In response to a prompt on ladycordelia17's forum The Moogle's Nest - What's in my pocket? Because, let's face it - some of those artefacts are just plain weird.
This is just a compilation of sillies my friend and I came up with while playing. I'm so sorry.
One Clavat's Trash is Another Lilty's Treasure
The Belstone caravan sat peacefully at rest by the side of a well-worn track, illuminated by the orange glow of dusk. A figure sat gently prodding the fire as it licked away at the latest stick of firewood offered; after a moment they held out a thin skewer on which were several chunks of fish, which they proceeded to roast.
The firelight revealed a Clavat's face, with unruly brown hair and friendly brown eyes that were currently intensely focused on not burning the meal. It was an idyllic scene, which was ruined somewhat by an earsplitting scream from within the caravan.
"Oh LADY!" a disgusted voice yelled out, "Kronan, what IS that?"
A voice that was both calmer and sounded a little hurt replied, "It's just a Rat's Tail…"
The screen flew back and a Clavat girl burst forth from the caravan, leaping from the back platform in her effort to get away from the gruesome item she had discovered on her bed. She spun on the spot, wringing her hands in a desperate attempt to dispel any diseases she might have picked up.
"Jeez, Esther, you're such a girl sometimes." A Lilty appeared in the doorway, holding out in front of him what looked like an old and rather tatty piece of string.
"There's a reason for that, Kronan," the Clavat girl said crossly, "Just keep that thing away from me."
The Clavat boy by the fire dropped the fish-kebabs and approached the dangling tail with an expression of morbid fascination on his face. Kronan held it out to him for inspection, staring pointedly at Esther.
"Tag's not frightened of it."
"No, I'm just transfixed by how gross that is," the male Clavat, Tag, replied, "Did you say it was a rat's tail?"
"No, a Rat's Tail," Kronan repeated, but somehow he contrived to indicate that the phrase deserved capital letters. "It was the artefact I chose when we defeated the marlboro," he added sullenly.
"I think maybe someone was pulling your leg, Kronan. There's no way that could possibly help you in battle," Esther said weakly, but she crept forward despite herself to join Tag in his examination. Tag laughed.
"I wouldn't be so sure about that. If all the monsters react like you did when you saw it I'd say it was pretty useful," he joked.
"I don't know what you two are laughing about," Kronan said defensively, "I've seen some of the stuff that you two have picked up over the years and they're just as silly as this."
"So you admit it's a silly artefact?" Esther pointed out. Kronan flicked the Rat's Tail like a whip in her direction and she fled behind Tag with a squeak of alarm.
"You never cease to amaze me," Tag said, glancing over his shoulder as she hid behind him, "Only yesterday I saw you pounding half a dozen monsters into the dirt at once, and now you're running away from a bit of dead rat."
"It's not just a bit of dead rat!" Kronan insisted, "Right, that's it. I'm going through your artefacts - "
"Hey!" Esther yelled, jumping back into the caravan after the Lilty as he disappeared to rummage through their bags, "It's rude to look through a girl's belongings!"
---
In retrospect, Esther realised there were more artefacts in the combined possession of the group that didn't make sense than those that did.
Kronan's initial joke had turned into somewhat of an activity and the group's collection of bizarre legendary items lay scattered about the caravan as the group trawled through them.
"What's this?" she asked in puzzlement, holding up a cube of ivory the size of her palm. Tag glanced up.
"That's my Loaded Dice."
"What does it do?"
Tag opened his mouth, and then shook his head in bafflement, "You know, I have no idea. Maybe if I keep it long enough it'll make me really rich."
"Maybe it's weighted?" Esther suggested, and Kronan sniggered, "Yeah, cause we're really going to challenge the Ant Lion to a game of Ludo."
The Lilty proceeded to pull a pair of sparkly red shoes from one of Esther's bags and studied them curiously, "Esther, are these just in case we went out dancing with the monsters one night instead of killing them?"
"No! They're Red Slippers!" Esther said, "And they go real nice with my Green Beret, not that you two would know anything about fashion."
"You've never worn either of those!" Kronan protested.
"I have too!"
"Liar!"
"Well, then I will tomorrow!"
"I don't think red ever went with green, Esther," Tag said darkly, and then wrinkled his nose, "Good grief, what's that smell?"
"Sorry about that," Kronan looked apologetic, "That's my Onion Sword."
"Put it away!" Esther clapped her hands over her nose as her eyes began to water. Kronan hastily stuffed the pungent blade away and forced it under one of the bunks as far as he could possibly make it go. The sharp aroma lingered on stubbornly.
"I'm never going to be able to sleep now," Tag groaned, "Gods, Kronan, you sure have an odd choice in artefacts…"
That night they used Tag's Chicken Knife to cut the star carrots, because so far they hadn't come across any particularly dangerous chickens.
The giant crab gave a final bubbling hiss before it collapsed heavily, melting away into the ground. Kronan gave a whoop and punched the air.
"We won!" He shot a look at Esther, who was adjusting her Green Beret warily, "No thanks to your silly hat."
"Or your sprout sword."
"Onion Sword!"
"Whatever."
Tag scooped up the chalice easily and set it on his shoulder. "Come on guys. I'm off for the myrrh but if it gets me a decent night's sleep I'll quite happily leave you back here in the miasma."
With the other two still bickering furiously behind him, the Clavat loped past the pool from whence the crab had emerged and over to the myrrh tree. As he set the chalice on the pedestal, the glint of something shiny caught his eye.
"Hey, look," Tag pointed first to the boughs of the tree, from which were hanging a number of rewards for their efforts, and then to several more propped among the roots. Kronan darted past him with quite a turn of speed for his short legs.
"There's some good stuff here, look!"
"Good stuff?" Tag left the chalice to the tree and hurried over to check; Esther followed eagerly.
"Kronan, I think perhaps you don't quite understand the concept of the word good," she said, peering past her Lilty friend into the roots of the tree, "I swear that I can see a stuffed toy in there somewhere."
Kronan pulled back with a Teddy Bear, grinning all over his face. "He can be our mascot!"
"Remember though, guys," Tag said. He was scanning the branches above him for anything that looked particularly interesting or useful. "It's only polite to take one thing each."
"Polite, schmolite," Kronan muttered, but sat the Teddy Bear on a root and kept looking for the one item that caught his fancy.
After a few minutes, the pile of items that the caravanners did not want had grown to waist height, considerably bulked out by the massive Giant's Glove. While it was generally agreed that it had to be a very powerful object, one had to wonder who would carry the thing around with them, it being big enough that Kronan could comfortably sit in it. A blob of Dark Matter oozed ominously from where Esther had carefully deposited it; no one was quite sure what the Save Queen was, but it talked in the voice of a very peeved women and Tag had thrown the Eleven Mantle over it to shut it up.
Kronan, when no one was looking, had eaten the Candy Ring.
Further investigation revealed the choiciest (or at least, the most plausibly useful) items to be a thin blade on which was inscribed the name Murasame, the Arai Helm and an odd little instrument that Tag informed them was Noah's Lute. Esther, a pair of Silver Spectacles perched on her nose because she'd forgotten to take them off earlier, gave it an experimental puff.
It made a noise like a sahagin being strangled. She put it back very quickly.
"Well, no one said Noah was any good at playing the lute either," she said archly as the boys muffled sniggers.
No one quite knew what the Drill was, but after it had turned itself on while Kronan was messing about with it they were regarding it with some distrust.
The Drill was shortly joined by the Engetsurin, Mjollnir and Gekkabijin, because if you couldn't pronounce it then it probably wasn't that good anyway.
"Esther, did you say you were after a new weapon?" Tag asked after a while, holding up a design for a Legendary Weapon. Esther seized it delightedly, arms jangling with the veritable swathe of jewellery and bangles that she'd come across during her search. She inspected it carefully before nodding.
"Alright. I'll take this."
She opened her pack and her face fell.
"What's wrong?" Tag inquired, and Esther set the design down.
"I don't have enough space for it in here. I'll have to drop some stuff…"
She upended the bag, which looked just about big enough to hold five or six items. A striped apple fell out, along with a shower of bright red cherry clusters wrapped up in white silk. After a quick shake, a handful of yellow feathers emerged - a phial of holy water smashed on the grass.
"Oops," Esther said, and turned the bag the right way up. She sighed.
"Still not enough room?" said Tag, who doubted that even if his friend took everything out of her little pack it still would not hold the ancient carving. Esther set the bag on the floor and, with look of resignation, reached into it. She appeared to struggle with something for a moment, and then something very large and feathery emerged.
It's quite well known that nothing defies the laws of quantum physics like a girl's bag.
For some reason, even though from the outside it doesn't look big enough to hold a toothpick, the said girl can somehow manage to fit an entire day's worth of accoutrements into it and still have room for whatever bizarre piece of paraphernalia they find while shopping that day.
An entire griffin's wing emerged from the little pack. Esther pushed it away with a gentile grunt of exertion.
"That should leave enough space," she said happily, while Kronan and Tag gawped at the huge befeathered object.
"How did you get that in there?" Tag managed eventually.
"You know, you'd think I'd know," Esther said thoughtfully, "But I really don't."
FIN.
Ahaha. I always wondered how a striped apple takes up exactly the same amount of space in your bag (which also never EVER seems to be anywhere on your person in a dungeon) as a griffin's wing. Perhaps Amidatty is working on that very problem right now. Perhaps we will never know. Perhaps I ought to get some sleep.
I hope you readers liked this. If it made you smile just send me a review to let me know, it'll make my day! Thanks for stopping by :D