Author's Note: Hello, new readers, or those who have read my pathetic two chapters in the past! I am finally returning to this story, and plan to continue it this time. Updates will probably happen whenever, but please just stick with the story. I'm sure you'll find this revised version amusing, at least.
I'm sure that everyone knows the story of Son Goku. The almighty warrior of justice- and food of any kind! Well, except for all that crap that happened when he was a kid. Nobody actually watched Dragon Ball. They just say so to make sure their die-hard DB fan friends don't constantly tell them they've missed half of the story. But anyways! For the purpose of this story, we'll just forget about all of that stuff that nobody cares about- I mean, is definitely an important part of the story that nobody could possibly live without! Yeah, that...
Anyways, this story all begins when Goku met a girl named Bulma, searching for mystical stones called the Dragon Balls (God DAMN it Chris, stop editing the story!) As I was SAYING, the story begins when an alien named Raditz showed up on Earth, and kidnapped Goku's kid, Gohan, blah de blah de blah. Anyways, what if Raditz had gone about killing a few people and causing general chaos while he waited? Perhaps it might make the news.
And maybe, maybe a future world tournament champion would be watching the news. That's right, I'm talking about one Mark 'Hercule' Satan. Now, by all means, Hercule was not exactly the strongest of fighters. And by that I mean he's a poor man's wannabe Krillin. Anyways, we've got the stupid premise set up, so it's time to begin with the actual plot.
Hercule was sitting in his living room, watching the television. On it was a story about a nearby city being destroyed by some evil alien, or perhaps some insanely powerful Sonic impersonator.
'Hmmm...' Hercule thought. 'I am thinking on becoming the world champ in the next Tenkaichi Budokai, and this could be great for my public image...' He directed his gaze to his little baby Videl, playing with some beanbags with stars on them while she was lying in a crib, as well as the picture of her deceased mother on the wall nearby. "Hahhahahahahahha!" He shouted out. "Who am I kidding? It's not like fighting some guy who's good with pyrotechnics will be that hard, right? He can't just summon explosions, because that would be crazy! This won't lead to a convoluted series of events that creates a hopefully endearing and funny fanfic!"
Hercule stared at the ceiling for a moment. "Huh. That last sentence felt really out of character and meta." He directed his gaze back at his shoes. "Pffffffft, nah!" And with that, he set out to begin exactly what that meta sentence was talking about.
Meanwhile, Goku and Piccolo were fighting against the Saiyan Raditz. I'd describe it, but I really am too lazy, and you already know what happens. Goku gets the crap kicked out of him, Gohan does a thing, Piccolo probably snarked about how Raditz looked like Sonic, yadda yadda yadda. Anyways, Hercule showed up when the fight was nearing its end.
"Bow down, foul terrorist Sonic!" Shouted Hercule, showing up out of nowhere for comedic effect.
"What?" All three of the fighters asked, staring at the new fighter.
"Wait a minute, Sonic?" Raditz said with a confused head tilt.
"That's right!" Hercule yelled, pointing at Raditz. "Prepare to face the wrath of the future world champion, Hercule Satan! Take this! Dynamic Mega Messup Punch Attack Combo!" He ran straight towards Raditz, and began throwing punches that didn't even scuff the armor.
"Do we really sound that stupid when we call our attacks?" Goku asked Piccolo.
Piccolo stared at him. "Of course we do! How could that not sound stupid!?" He regained his posture. "However, as everybody knows, shouting the name of your attack almost always ends up making it stronger for some weird reason."
"Oh." Goku replied. "That makes sense."
It turns out that Raditz was too stunned by this act of stupidity to fight back, and continued to watch Hercule's pathetic assault.
"Well," Piccolo muttered. "At least I can do this! RAAAUGHRAGRAUGA!" And with his shout, the missing arm he had from earlier (it was in the fight in DBZ, I'm just too lazy to mention it in here.) completely regrew!
"What!?" Goku exclaimed. "You can regenerate?"
"Yep." Piccolo responded. "It's just there wasn't a convenient enough point in the plot to reveal it just yet, so I did it right now.
Meanwhile, Raditz decided he wasn't amused with this stupid man punching him anymore, and smacked him into a small hill. The only think Hercule did was scream like Krillin while he got hit into it, and then whimpered like a rekt Yamcha once he managed to crawl out of the rubble.
"Hah!" Raditz gleefully said. "That's going to teach you for calling me... Whatever you called me."
"He called you Sonic." Piccolo told him. "Seriously, did you not read that sentence? Are you stupid or something?"
"No, dumbass." Raditz responded. "I mean I didn't know what Sonic was-"
"Just you wait, Sonic!" Hercule somehow had already gotten over simultaneously getting Krillin'd and Yamcha'd, and was running back towards Raditz at top speed. (Which means about three miles per hour.)
"Oh god damn it!" Raditz shouted. "I'm NOT Sonic! Why does everybody keep saying that!? Who the hell is Sonic!?"
"Well, if you ever learned about the games, Sonic was a bit of a pretentious asshole." Piccolo snarked at him. "So I'd say it's a perfect match to you, heh."
Goku gasped. "You're right, Piccolo! This guy is a loser meanie!" He gasped again. "So wait, if he's my brother, does that make me part hedgehog?"
"Hello?" Raditz asked. "You do know I'm right here, right? The powerful alien that could kill you? I could blow you all to smithereens, right now!"
Goku, oblivious to the fact that anyone could possibly be way stronger than him, was continuing his earlier train of thought. "So, does that mean that I can turn into a Super Sonic?"
It looked like a blood vessel was about to burst in Raditz's left eye.
"It makes sense, too." Piccolo continued. "Sonic seemed really cool at first, but eventually people realized that nobody was putting in any effort to make the series better, because it was bad. It eventually died and faded into irrelevance." He stared down the hedgehog Saiyan. "Just like you will."
That was about when Raditz snapped. "RAAAUGHRAGRAUGA!" Soni- I mean Raditz screamed. "STOP MAKING FUN OF ME! EVEN THE NARRATION IS CALLING ME SONIC!" In his rage, the ground around him began to crumble. "EVERYONE SAYS I'M JUST AN EPISODE ONE VILLAIN, BUT I'LL PROVE THEM WRONG!" It soon became apparent. His rage made him transform into a Super Saiyan, and his stupid hair made like he was a Super Saiyan Three! He gained the power to warp space and time, and his hair turned green! For he was no Super Saiyan. He was the LEGENGARY SUPER SAIYAN! His power constantly increased, and soon he would become the most powerful being ever! In one move, he cut off Piccolo's arms, and prepared an energy blast. Soon, the world would be destroyed by his legendary attack: The Double Sunda-
"FULL NELSON!" Hercule shouted, preforming just that on Raditz.
"What." Raditz flatly said. He moved to get out, but found he could not.
Little did he know that not only is a Full Nelson really really really really hard to get out of, Hercule also had the power of plot convenience on his side. Due to that combination, despite Hercule's low power levels, he contained the not-so-legendary warrior.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Hercule asked. "Beat him up while I'm holding him!"
"I've got an idea!" Piccolo told Goku. "I know how we can beat him. You'll have to use one of my attacks for me, since I have no arms at the moment."
"What is it?" Goku asked him.
"Well," Piccolo replied., "It's called the Makakapeo- er, the Makokama- um, the Mokaok- it's called the Special Beam Cannon."
"Cool!" Goku said, figuring that with an original name like that, it must be a cool attack! "So, how do I use it?"
"It's simple." Piccolo told him. "All you need to do is charge up energy in your fingers for five minutes, and then just say some gibberish nonsense in Japanese when you fire the attack!"
"Alright." Goku responded. "I'm on it." He began to charge it.
During the now-pointless 5-minute break, Piccolo just decided to kick Raditz a bunch of times, in vengeance of his lost arms.
'Alright.' Goku thought to himself. 'I'm gonna fire it off right now! I won't even tell Piccolo, because then it'll be a surprise. And who doesn't like surprise parties?'
Energy of plot convenience pulsed at Goku's fingertips. "Here goes! Ikutsu Ka Chinpunkanpun Nansensu!"
"Wait what-" Piccolo asked, just in time to see the beam pierce a hole straight through his, Raditz's, and Hercule's chests. "Oh goddamnit."
"Oh crud!" Goku gasped, flying over to Piccolo's dying body. "Hey, it's fine, right? Can't you regenerate?"
"Yes." Piccolo said. "Unless I'd dead. Bleh." He promptly died.
"Hey... Orange shirt guy..." Hercule groaned.
"What is it, pathetic weirdo man?" Goku replied.
"My... Daughter." Hercule gasped. "She doesn't have a mother, so... take care of her for me, please." He also died.
I'd say something about Raditz's death, but he choked on his hair before he could make some dumb last words.
"Well," Goku said to himself. "I think that something's gone horribly wrong."
Author's Notes: I don't actually hate Sonic. I think.