Modern Family episode: The Shrew Taming
(Scene starts in Claire's house, where Claire and Alex were sitting on one side of the table looking furious and Luke and Phil were sitting on the other side of the table)
LUKE: Well MAYBE you should of thought of that before you let me use your computer!
ALEX: (screaming) REALLY, I was supposed to guess that you'd use my computer to download x-rated films that had a virus which ERASED MY ENTIRE COLLEGE RESEARCH PAPER!?
LUKE: Hey. You need to expect the unexpected with me. Dad taught me that.
(Claire gives Phil a deadly look)
PHIL: (silently to Luke) Ixnay on the Hilphay. (to Claire) Look, I never taught him to look at naked stuff on the internet, come on. The only thing I've ever taught Luke is magic…..and street cold reading.
CLAIRE: (paranoid) Ok, what is "street cold reading" and is it pornographic?
ALEX: "Street cold reading" is when you walk up to a stranger and make guesses about their life based on their appearance and body language. Pickup artists use it to try to pick up women on the street, but it's really just a pseudoscientific fraud.
PHIL: (smiling excitedly) Not the way we do it, right buddy!? (gives Luke a high five)
(FLASHBACKS STARTS)
(Phil and Luke are standing in 6 inches of snow on a side walk outside a Starbucks. Two beautiful young blonde girls walk out of the Starbucks)
LUKE: Dad, there's Juliet Benton!
PHIL: (putting his hands on Luke's shoulder) go over there and cold read her son, cold read her so hard she'll never want anyone to ever cold read her again…..besides you.
LUKE: I promise I'll make you proud dad.
(Luke walks up to Juliet, opens his book, and reads aloud)
LUKE: But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon-
GIRL WITH JULIET: (looking disgusted) What are you doing?!
LUKE: I'm trying to warm my fair Juliet's heart with a cold read from Bill Shakespeare.
GIRL WITH JULIET: (looking disgusted) Juliet's my girlfriend.
(Juliet and the second girl walk away, hand in hand)
(Luke walks to Phil with his head down)
LUKE: I'm sorry I broke my promise dad. Do you think you can just forget this whole thing ever happened?
(Phil and Luke turn to the girls and then Juliet and her girlfriend start to make out)
PHIL: (looking hypnotized) Not gonna happen buddy….
(BACK TO PRESENT DAY)
CLAIRE: (angry) REALLY PHIL? You were staring with Luke at two hot girls making out and then you're surprised when he downloads it?
(Haley walks into the kitchen and jumps into the conversation)
HALEY: When he downloads what?
ALEX: Look what Luke downloaded on my computer. (Haley looks at the laptop screen)
HALEY: (disgusted) EW!
HALEY: (looking closer, disgusted) Oh my god, why is this a cartoon!?
PHIL: Look, it was just an accident ok? Our little guy here was just looking to download some kickass Japanese anime movies. He didn't know that "XXX Bondage Samurai" was something inappropriate.
ALEX: (shocked) Is he an IDIOT?
LUKE: Hey, that's politically incorrect against the "Otherwise Not Smart."
PHIL: Look, how about we make it up to you. Luke and I will personally do the research again for your paper and we'll help you write this thing in an hour tops.
ALEX: (sarcastic) Really? You're going to redo my entire experiment and rewrite the paper? The experiment took FIVE HOURS to do and the paper was 15 pages long.
PHIL: (looking mortified) Well…then…..that's what Luke and I will do….
LUKE: (leaning in to whisper to Phil) Dad, I'm not sure if I can write 15 sentences.
PHIL: (whispering) Don't worry buddy, we'll use size 48 font and triple spacing. It'll be a piece of cake.
LUKE: (turning to Alex, now speaking out loud) Yeah, this'll be a piece of cake, we'll even make it 20 pages.
PHIL: (depressed, his head drops) Ohhh…..
CLAIRE: (getting up, she pats Phil on the shoulder while walking away) He's your son.
(INTERVIEW STARTS)
ALEX: I keep three copies of everything I work on in the cloud and on an external flash drive.
ALEX: I just wanted to see them suffer. (folds her arms)
(BACK TO PRESENT)
PHIL: (still depressed) So what kind of experiment was it?
ALEX: It was about astronaut conditioning preparation. I paid people 10 dollars to stand upside down on their head for 5 minutes at a time to get them used to zero gravity conditions. It was done over 5 hours.
(INTERVIEW STARTS)
ALEX: My research project was about climate change and ozone depletion.
(BACK TO PRESENT)
LUKE: (looking confused) So…..does that mean that we're…..going to space?
PHIL: Oh my god Luke…you're going to be the first non-chimp Dunphy to ever go into space….. (looks awestruck)
(Luke quickly walks away and goes to the refrigerator)
PHIL: (confused) Where are you going?
LUKE: Dad, I saw that Matt Damon documentary. If I get stuck on Mars, I'm gonna be prepared.
LUKE: (he starts pulling out loafs of bread, jugs of milk, and apples) One hundred days of food supplies…...( turns around to look at Phil dramatically)… I'm not gonna repeat Matt Damon's mistakes.
PHIL: (looking at Luke with great pride) You're my hero, space cowboy….
(camera pans out to Claire who has been sitting at the end of the table the whole time)
CLAIRE: Ughhh (she lets her head drop down to hit the table)
(SCENE ENDS)
(Sanjay Patel is outside the Dunphy house door, he rings the doorbell.)
(He waits a few moments and then Alex opens the door. Alex has a glass of orange juice in her hand.)
ALEX: (pleasantly shocked at the sight of Sanjay) Sanjay! I mean…..(shifting her facial expression to anger) SANJAY!
(Alex splashes her orange juice at Sanjay's face and attempts to close the door on him)
SANJAY: Wait wait! (he puts his foot in the door to prevent it from closing) You know you don't possess the upper body strength necessary to close the door while my foot is impeding it.
ALEX: (sassily) Oh really? (she stomps hard on his foot)
SANJAY: AHHHH! (writhing in pain)
(Alex closes the door on him and walks away back to the kitchen)
(She walks by Haley who was watching the whole time)
HALEY: (looking at Alex dumbstruck) Whoa…taming of the shrew (backing away from her)
ALEX: Oh shut up Bianca.
HALEY: Who?
ALEX: You just referenced Taming of the Shrew, so I was…(rolls her eyes)….oh whatever.
(Scene shifts to the kitchen. Alex is looking in the refrigerator for food)
ALEX: (turning away from the refrigerator angrily) Um...where is all the food?
(Haley storms in after Alex)
HALEY: You think you're so smart with your references to books that no one's ever heard of, (bobbling her head up and down hysterically) but I ACTUALLY KNOW what you were talking about this time. (snidely with pride) Taming of the Shrew by Shakespeare. Yeah that's right. (proudly) I've read Wilbur Shakespeare.
CLAIRE: (walking by Haley, speaking in a whisper) Honey that's only because you had to take 9th grade English twice… (kissing her on the top of her head)
HALEY: Yeah, and that gave me twice as much knowledge in my brain. (points to her neck)
ALEX: Oh yeah? So what's Taming of the Shrew about?
HALEY: (with animated facial expressions) Easy. It's about a loser girl named Alex Dunphy whose got a short wiry Indian boy in our backyard who wants to tame the shrew and win her back.
CLAIRE: (running back to Alex, grabbing her hand delicately) SANJAY wants you back!?
ALEX: (annoyed by Claire's expression) Yes Sanjay wants me back. Is that so hard to believe?!
CLAIRE: Oh honey…you're really an acquired taste for most boys. Boys like Sanjay don't come around too often.
SANJAY: (popping his head from the open kitchen window) She's right you know.
ALEX: (furiously) ARGH! (she goes to the window, closes it and pulls the curtain down)
ALEX: He broke up with ME remember.
ALEX: And I could get plenty of boys in college. All I'd have to do is dress skankily like Haley and I could get ANY boy.
HALEY: Oh? Really? Is that why all you've gotten is that dork Reuben from Luke's high school to get to second base?
PHIL: (he collapses hard on the floor after he was standing on his head for the experiment) REUBEN DID WHAT?!
CLAIRE: (to Phil) Oh honey, you just heard wrong because you were upside down. She said Reuben and Luke played baseball yesterday and made a hit to get to second base.
PHIL: (smiling) Wow…well good for Reuben! (excitedly) I should go call his dad to congratulate him.
CLAIRE: (Claire stops him from going to the phone) No.
LUKE: (falling hard on his back while he was standing on his head) I played baseball with Reuben yesterday? (looking confused)
CLAIRE: Ah sweeties (looking at them warmly), you're both suffering from loss of blood to the head amnesia (she knocks her own head). How do you expect to be ready for space travel when ya fall apart from just basic training? (pursing her lips) And you've got sooooo little blood going to those special little guys in the first place (tapping them both on their heads)
PHIL: (realization dawning on him) Oh my god she's right. How are we supposed to save future Matt Damons when we….. can't even save ourselves!
LUKE: Wait….(scratching his head) …..what were we doing?
HALEY: (to Alex) I've seen you and Sanjay together. You have this weird chemistry where you talk in the same nerd language. It's like Klingon between you two.
ALEX: Oh my god, you know what Klingon is?
HALEY: (with attitude) Um yeah, I've seen you two clinging on each other all over this kitchen counter before….you know, when you thought that no one was home!
CLAIRE: You did WHAT?!
ALEX: Ok! Ok! Yes Sanjay and I did have a special chemistry. And yes maybe we did use the kitchen for something other than eating. (she looked to the backyard) Ok… I'll….I'll go talk to him….
(SCENE ENDS)
(Alex steps forward to her upstairs window, opens it, and pokes her head out to see Sanjay climbing up the side of the house to try to get into her room. He still has orange juice all over his face.)
ALEX: (with attitude) Yes Petruchio?
SANJAY: (spoken quickly, out of breath) Petruchio. Katherina's suitor from Taming of the Shrew. You know the whole metaphor is ruined when you say that from a balcony more fitting of Romeo and Juliet.
ALEX: You're so annoying. And you're SO NOT Romeo.
SANJAY: That's fair. I would certainly prefer not to die because of Juliet's mistake of using Friar Laurence's coma inducing potion, which was guaranteed to confuse Romeo and cause his suicide.
ALEX: (annoyed) That's so patriarchal typical of you to blame the woman for a perfectly reasonable plan that only failed because the MAN, Friar Laurence, was too incompetent to deliver a simple message to Romeo.
SANJAY: (nowing climbing up into her window, out of breath) I love it when you point our imperfections in fictional characters. (now looking at her fixedly and awkwardly in her eyes) And…..and I love you.
ALEX: (eyes lighting up in awe) You…..you've never said that to me before…
SANJAY: It was clear to me after we broke up, the time apart gave me the wisdom I needed to finally see. Doubt thou the stars are fire. Doubt that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar. But never doubt I love.
ALEX: Oh Hamlet! (she pulls him in handily from the window, groping and kissing him very vigorously)
(Haley and Claire can be seen watching them from the doorway)
HALEY: See that. Klingon.
(SCENE ENDS)
(Scene returns to being in Alex's room with Sanjay and Alex kissing and Haley and Claire looking on)
CLAIRE: Ok! Ok! That's enough you two. No more klingoning. So why don't you just come into the house Sanjay and we can wash that orange juice off your face.
SANJAY: Thanks Mrs. Dunphy. I hope you don't mind the intrusion.
CLAIRE: (flailing her arms dramatically) Noooooo, of course not. We regularly have boys climbing into our windows to see Alex.
SANJAY: (looking desperately to Alex) You do?
ALEX: (pretending) Ugh, you know…it's tough being a high IQ vixen.
(Alex walks away in a sexual strut. Sanjay stares at her as she walks)
CLAIRE: (smacks Sanjay) Hey, eyes up here.
SANJAY: (embarrassed) Sorry.
(All of them were walking down the stairs)
SANJAY: Alex, I hope this isn't too soon, but I was hoping that you could meet some of my family.
ALEX: (confused) But I've already met your parents….
SANJAY: No no, I mean some of my extended family. (shaking his head losing patience) I mean my grandmother.
ALEX: (unsure) I mean….sure…..I guess….if you want.
SANJAY: (spoken quickly) Perfect. (he walks to the front door of the house, opens it, and standing right at the doorway was a short elderly Indian woman wearing dark red traditional Indian garb. She had very low hanging inquisitive eyebrows)
ALEX: (in awe) What the…..
SANJAY: Alex Anastasia Dunphy, I would like you to meet my grandmother…(presenting her regally with his right hand) Bhagyashree Patel.
(SCENE ENDS)
(Scene returns where it left off)
BHAGYASHREE: (in a thick indian accent, angrily) Sanjay, why do you have orange juice on your face?
SANJAY: Oh I…..I was just drinking orange juice that Alex gave me, grandmother….and then it spilt on my face.
BHAGYASHREE: (spoken quickly and angrily) Well you look like a mess. And how come your new American bride isn't cleaning it off for you.
ALEX: Um. Excuse me?
BHAGYASHREE: (looking at her up and down) Oh yes I can see that this will be a tough one to break into a good bride for our Sanjay.
CLAIRE: (looking shocked) Um…. "BRIDE"?!
BHAGYASHREE: (agressively) Well that is the reason I flew all the way from my warm homeland to be here today.
ALEX: (looking at Sanjay) YOU FLEW IN YOUR GRANDMOTHER FROM INDIA TO SEE IF I WAS A SUITABLE WIFE!?
BHAGYASHREE: (in a thick indian accent) Pah! I did not fly from India, are you crazy? There are rats and black plague everywhere. I live in an Indian retirement center in Florida.
CLAIRE: Whoa, whoa, I think there may be a little confusion here and maybe (speaking slowly to Bhagyashree) a little bit of a language barrier (nodding her head condescendingly).
BHAGYASHREE: (arrogantly shoeing her) Please. I have two PhD's and a Lexus. There is no language barrier. I have come because Sanjay has said that this white girl is his soul mate and he wishes to marry her.
ALEX: Sanjay!
SANJAY: (nervously) It's true. I…..I don't regret saying…..that I love you. Two people such as ourselves only come along once a generation in west LA. It would be a crime against nature for exquisite specimens such as ourselves to be apart.
ALEX: (lovingly moving toward Sanjay) Ahhhh, you called me an exquisite specimen. (she gropes him and kisses him again)
CLAIRE: (badgering them off each other) Okkkk, no more klingon.
BHAGYASHREE: Well is someone going to take my coat or not. (she tosses her fur coat at Claire and walks into the home past her)
CLAIRE: (fumbling with the jacket, looking agitated) Alright. Alright. (finally getting a handle on the huge fur coat) Alright old lady. Now its on.
(SCENE ENDS)
(Scene resumes in the kitchen where Bhagyashree is sitting on the table)
CLAIRE: (irritated, speaks sarcastically) Oh by all means Miss..."Bag-uh-sorry", take a seat, make yourself comfortable, my home is your home.
BHAGYASHREE: Seeing the condition of your home it's a surprise to me that any good man would have taken you as a wife. Where is Alex's father, I would like to meet him.
(Claire looks out the window and sees Phil and Luke outside doing bizarre astronaut training stunts)
CLAIRE: Oh well he is just out….somewhere….doing very important work with our youngest son Luke. Training for (wildly fabricating a name) NASA's junior….international…..astronaut…space program.
BHAGYASHREE: (narrowing her eyes) Hmmm…well, at least they are training for something ambitious.
CLAIRE: (looking out the window again seeing Phil with a helmet covering his face while running with Luke standing on his shoulders) Yep…
CLAIRE: Look, Alex is in college….and Sanjay IS IN college….these kids can't get married. Even if they are back together…which apparently was only 30 SECONDS AGO….…marriage is something you do after college, after you've moved in together for a while…..after you've got a career- (interrupted)
BHAGYASHREE: Please. I married my husband at 14 and we have been HAPPILY married for 70 years.
CLAIRE: (nodding her head condescendingly) Has it really been all that happy…..you know…..for him?
BHAGYASHREE: Pah! Mohinder is completely satisfied and if your daughter is as much a shrew as you are then this will be QUITE DIFFICULT Sanjay (turning her face to Sanjay).
SANJAY: No Grandmother, I can assure you, Alex is nothing like her mother.
ALEX: (lovingly nuzzling his arm) Ahhh Sanjay, that's such a sweet compliment.
CLAIRE: (fidgeting angrily) Ok…..(in a lower volume) a little hurtful….
BHAGYASHREE: Hmmm….you do seem to give Sanjay the right amount of affection, but your family…..I am not so sure about them…..(rubbing her chin) When a man marries a woman, the truth is that it is the FAMILIES that are marrying each other. And so far, I am not impressed.
CLAIRE: (getting up from her seat) First off… GRANDMA…there is NO family better than THIS family (pointing outward). We love each other, we SUPPORT each other, and we are a very…..VERY….high breed of people.
(Phil and Luke walk in through the backyard door)
PHIL: Claire, Luke and I are making incredible strides in our research. In just a few short hours we'll be able finish the data collection and then….(looking at Luke with pride) and then we'll be able to send off this little space genius to NASA.
LUKE: My teachers used to doubt I had the aptitude to be a sanitation engineer. Well now that I'm gonna rocket up to the heavens, I'll be on a higher aptitude than anyone on Earth.
(Luke and Phil slap fives)
BHAGYASHREE: Ha! You are very funny young one. For a moment I actually thought you were seriously an idiot. (now looking at Phil) So this must be Alex's father.
PHIL: (excitedly) Sure am! Phil Dunphy. Realtor to the stars. (he shakes her hand) And who might you- (catching sight of Sanjay) What! Sanjay! You son of a biscuit eater! Are you back together with my daughter again? Boy, on again off again so much, you guys are like the new Chris Brown and Rihanna!
HALEY: Oh my god!
CLAIRE: No…..
CLAIRE: Phil, (pointing to Bhagyashree) this is Sanjay's grandmother Bag…uh….sha….rie.
BHAGYASHREE: You can call me Grandmother Patel.
PHIL: Sure thing Grandmother! Can't go wrong with having more Grandmothers!
CLAIRE: Well that's sort of the reason why she's here. She's here to become THIS family's new grandmother-
PHIL: (super excited) Whaaaattt!
CLAIRE: By giving away Alex as Sanjay's bride.
PHIL: (deflating) Whaaaatt…
(SCENE ENDS)
(Claire and Phil are talking alone just outside the Kitchen away from the rest)
PHIL: (aggressively) Claire, you and I both agreed that we wouldn't marry off our kids before they graduated college except for, AND I QUOTE, "if they shall marry a superhero or DAVID BLAINE!"
CLAIRE: Don't worry Phil, I took out an insurance policy. She said she wanted to meet our family to see if she approved. Well, who could be a more obnoxious pair for her to meet…..than-
PHIL: (a look of understanding) Jay and Gloria.
(The doorbell went off at that moment)
CLAIRE: (shaking her head proudly) Yep. CLOCKWORK.
(She opens the door and Jay and Gloria are at the doorway)
JAY: (looking confused and irritable) So what was SO urgent….that I had to drop the amazing corn beef sandwich I was eating…and come here?
GLORIA: Yeah, I made him da nice sandwich with the heart stopping red meat because he finally agree to watch my latest telenovela La Fierecilla Domada with me.
PHIL: (excitedly) Whatttttt, I love that showw!
JAY: (disgusted and surprised) What? You watch that nonsense.
GLORIA: Iz NOT nonsense Jayyy. In English it means "The Shrew Taminggg" and it is about a horrible woman who try to control and put down every one around her.
VOICE OF BHAGYASHREE FROM KITCHEN: You know it is NOT customary to leave a guest UNATTENDED for this long. Family like this it's no surprise that none of these children are married yet.
VOICE OF HALEY FROM KITCHEN: Excuse me, but I am in a very serious possible long distance relationship…..that might restart again maybe….ok?
VOICE OF BHAGYASHREE FROM KITCHEN: (thick accent) And does this boy know he's in this relationship?
VOICE OF HALEY FROM KITCHEN: Alright you know what, you're impossible, and I'm just going to leave.
VOICE OF BHAGYASHREE FROM KITCHEN: (thick accent) Well say hello to that imaginary boyfriend for me.
JAY: (looking at Claire confused) Who the hell is that?
(Haley walks out of the kitchen toward Claire, Jay, and the rest)
CLAIRE: (pursing her lips) That….would be our own Fierecilla Domada. (seeing their confused look she continued) Alex got back together with Sanjay and Sanjay brought his Indian grandmother to see if our family is suitable for marriage. And so I was just wwwonderingg- (interrupted)
JAY: (puts his hand up in front of Claire) Don't say another word. I know all about it.
GLORIA: What? Claire just toldddd you obout dis Indian woman right now… so how could you- (interrupted)
JAY: (speaking aggressively) Let me guess. She controls the family, she controls the parents, she controls the kids, and she doesn't listen to a damn thing anyone has to say?
HALEY: Oh my god, grandpa. Yes. How did you know?
JAY: (camera zooms into to his face) Because. (dramatically) I used to be married to one.
(SCENE ENDS)
(Jay is now seated at the kitchen table in front of Bhagyashree. They were aggressively staring at each other)
BHAGYASHREE: (sassily in a thick Indian accent) And who might you be?
JAY: (in an over the top tough guy tone) I'm the big dog here. The king. The grandpa of this family. And I've come to understand that you don't think our family is good enough for yours.
BHAGYASHREE: (laughs) Oh! At first I was going to give this family a chance, but now I am sure. (pause) How else do you explain this oaf standing on his head against the wall (pointing to Luke doing a headstand against the wall)
(Luke falls from his upside down position to the floor)
PHIL: That's my son you're talking about and he's NO oaf. He's a BRAVE boy who did his sister wrong by downloading x-rated samurai movies on her computer, erasing her college paper, and making up for it by recovering hours of astronaut preparation data by standing on his head for 5 hours, possibly even finding his true purpose in life. (slowing down his speech for dramatic effect) Now if you think that makes him an oaf, then you can just call me the King of Oafs.
JAY: (looking to Phil, spoken softly) Phil… I don't think you're helping our case.
(Camera focuses on Sanjay and Alex)
SANJAY: (spoken quietly to Alex) Tricked them into it?
ALEX: Yeeep.
SANJAY: (chuckling, spoken quietly) Classic. Chimps in space.
JAY: (to Bhagyashree) Look. You may not know me, but I KNOW YOU. Because I used to be MARRIED to YOU…..or should I say, someone just like you….for 35 LONG years.
BHAGYASHREE: Oh is that right. And so, what exactly happened to us, my dear husband?
JAY: (pauses for a moment) I couldn't tame you.
JAY: We would fight year after year. You'd always have to get your way, you'd always have to make me do what you wanted, buy what you wanted, raise our kids the way you wanted. Anything I did to try to make you compromise. No. You'd just spit in my face. Call me stubborn, call me a bad husband, call me lazy. And for a lot of those years, I BELIEVED you. Maybe I wasn't around enough, maybe I just didn't let you do what you wanted enough. (pause) But no, I eventually realized that the problem wasn't ME. The problem was YOU. (pausing, he looks at her right in the eye) I couldn't fix you. And just like the character Pablo in Fierecilla Domada (striking each Hispanic sound very hard)…. I too realized I had to leave you Conchita.
GLORIA: Actually Jay, Pablo gets back togeyther with Conchita layter in tha season.
JAY: Damnit Gloria, I told you to not give me any SPOILERS!
PHIL: Poor Pablo, he didn't even see it coming when Conchita had been swapped with her twin sister Consuela by their evil mother Concepcion.
JAY: What!? Concepcion is still ALIVE?! I thought the earthquake had knocked her into the volcano?
GLORIA: NO. It turned out that Concepcionnnnn had made a DOLLLLL that look jus like herrrr so that SHE COULD FAKE HER OWN DEATH SO THAT SHE COULD BE WITH HER TRUE LOVERRR EDUARDO from the village behind the VOLCANO!
JAY: I KNEW IT! I KNEW EDUARDO COULDN'T BE TRUSTED TO BE FAITHFUL TO CLEMENTINA!
BHAGYASHREE: (raising her hand in the air in outrage) Ahem!
JAY: Right. Look, I've said my piece. The last time I knew someone like you, I couldn't get through to her and all that happened was that she eventually lost her HUSBAND, her KIDS…and HER SANITY! So if that doesn't get through to you (Jay stands up), then I don't know what will.
(Bhagyashree looks very sad and is staring down at the table not making eye contact)
BHAGYASHREE: WAIT.
BHAGYASHREE: (sounding devastated) I…..I have a confession to make.
BHAGYASHREE: (everyone pays attention intently) My husband Mohinder….. separated from me a month ago.
JAY/GLORIA/PHIL: (apologetically) Oh no…
BHAGYASHREE: Yes. It is true.
BHAGYASHREE: He has even found a new Indian girlfriend in the ShantiNiketan retirement center! Some young 68 YEAR OLD RANDI named Nisha!
JAY/GLORIA/PHIL: (dramatically) No!
ALEX: (to Sanjay) Does "randi" mean what I think it means?
BHAGYASHREE: (hysterical) Oh yes! Yes! He's down there right now in Florida doing god knows what with that DIRTY RANDI WOMAN Nisha! (she cries into her hands)
ALEX: Yep.
BHAGYASHREE: (crying) Oh but how can I be surprised. She never yells at him. She never belittles him. She never mocks his oddly shaped Tandoori chicken (looking down). So he left me for her. And he doesn't even know how much I miss him. He doesn't know how much I still care about his happiness. So much so that I even fear for him when he finds out that Nisha is already cheating on him with Anand and Amrit from the 3rd floor!
PHIL: Whaaaaat! Amrit too?!
JAY: Look….maybe I was wrong, maybe it's NOT TOO LATE for you! I say GO BACK to Mohinder. Go back to him AND FIGHT FOR HIM! Tell him it's going to be different. Tell him YOU'RE DIFFERENT!
GLORIA: Das right! And then you go throw Nisha into da VOLCANO!
JAY: I'll take it from here. (he puts his hands on Bhagyashree's hands on the table) So what do you say?
BHAGYASHREE: (she gets up from the table) You're right. You're all right. I'm gonna go back to Florida tell my husband that I am a NEW WOMAN…..….and I'm going to throw Nisha into the Gator swamp!
EVERYONE: Yeah!
(The family pats Bhagyashree on the back as she walks out of the kitchen)
BHAGYASHREE: (she turns around once last time to them) Thank you. Thank you all. You are truly a wonderful family and Sanjay would be lucky to marry you.
(She then walks out of the house)
JAY: (Jay stops waving goodbye and then turns around to Sanjay with a very stern expression) Now listen here Sanj-WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS! You. My granddaughter. (yelling) NO MARRIAGE!
SANJAY: (terrified) Yes sir.
(Jay gets up and starts walking out of the kitchen)
JAY: And DAMNIT LUKE STOP STANDING ON YOUR HEAD, ALEX WAS JUST MESSING WITH YOU!
(Luke drops down from the wall)
JAY: (angrily) I'M GONNA GO FINISH MY CORN BEEF SANDIWCH…..IN PEACE!
GLORIA: Jayyyyyyyy. (Jay turns around) I brought you the sandwich (smiling she brings out the corn beef sandwich from her purse) SEEEE? (spoken cutely)
JAY: (a big smile appears on his face, he jaunts to Gloria) Awww Gloria. Gimme.
GLORIA: (she gives the sandwich to Jay and pats him on the head) Now why don't you go ehfinish dis sandwich in the car and I will come in eh one secon.
JAY: (flashes a big stupid happy grin) Yeah. (while chomping on the sandwich) Sounds good. (Jay leaves the kitchen)
GLORIA: (gets up from the table, flashes a proud smile to everyone in the room) And eh THAT'S how you tame da CORKSCREW!
(Gloria sashays out of the kitchen)
(Everyone pauses for a moment)
LUKE: (to Alex) Wait….so this whole space project thing…..was just a scam?
ALEX: Sorry guys, no astronaut research. My project was about fixing ozone depletion.
PHIL: (his eyes light up) Fixing ozone depletion…(looking out into the distance with manic glee) Luke…how long do you think you can hold in your breath if I pumped ozone into you.
ALEX: I'm way ahead of you dad. I breath in the whole canister of ozone, take a hot air balloon into the sky, and breath it all out.
PHIL: Those pointdexters at NASA won't even know what hit them once this genius joins their space missions. (he grabs Luke by his shoulders) Armstrong…...Glenn…Dunphy!? (getting super excited)
ALEX: (shaking her head in disgust, she turns to Sanjay) Chimps in space.
(EPISODE ENDS)