I've fought monsters for him.
I've thrown myself into harm's way for him more than once without a second thought. Faced things that could kill even me—even water—without hesitation. Time and again, I've risked everything I am, everything I have, to protect Tsukune Aono.
I've even given him my blood.
And I'm still not good enough for him.
The Other Moka—the "Outer Moka"—is the one he wants. The Outer Moka is the one he loves.
I almost hate her for that.
Almost.
The reason that I don't—the reason that I can't—is because if she did not exist I never would have met Tsukune.
And if I had met him, I would never have loved him.
I would have drained him dry. Secure in my power, secure in my strength, I would have never known what it is to be weak—I never would have known what it is to feel lonely—and I would have glutted myself on his blood.
I dream about that sometimes.
Love hurts.
It hurts so much to know that I'm not the one he wants. To hear him say my name and know its not me he's calling out to. To feel the arms of the one you love hold you—catch you—but only secondhand.
Sometimes I want to end it all.
Sometimes I want to just take him once and for all. To bare his throat to my fangs and do what the Outer Moka does so casually—drink of his blood. Taste it. Taste him … and drink until there's nothing left of it. Nothing left of him …
But I don't.
I can't.
In the beginning, I told myself that the Outer Moka stopped me. That she was strong enough to control my thirst for his blood. That her feelings for him were too powerful for me to overcome.
I didn't care for him. I didn't feel anything for him. He meant nothing to me … only the Outer Moka cared about him … only the Outer Moka loved him … I was too strong for that kind of folly …
But I can't lie to myself that way any longer.
When the Outer Moka sacrificed herself to save the Academy … to save Tsukune … nothing could have stopped me from draining Tsukune dry. The others—the ones that the other students call "Tsukune's harem" behind our backs—are strong—and they have grown stronger together than they ever would have been on their own—would not have been able to stop me.
Nothing could stop me.
Tsukune could have been mine—mine the only way a human and vampire should be together …
But I didn't.
I couldn't.
I wanted him to hold me as he had held the Outer Moka. I wanted him to look into my eyes and say my name to me. I wanted him to see me- to see me not just as a weapon to be called upon when he was in danger—I wanted him to see me as a girl that cared for him just as much as the Outer Moka did.
I wanted him to love me.
But … I didn't know how.
I tried to act like the other girls, but it did nothing but confuse him. I tried to act like the Outer Moka but even though he said my name … it was still her he was calling out to, and there was nothing in me that could respond to that passion.
And then he went off to confront Father for him.
He was willing to risk death to get the Outer Moka back.
He would rather die than live without her.
He would rather die than live with me.
It hurts.
And the only time it doesn't hurt—the only time when I'm at peace—is when I'm wearing the Rosary. When I'm safely buried inside Outer Moka the pain is bearable. When I'm resting in Outer Moka, I can have his love the only way I can … the only way I ever will …
Secondhand.
I envy the other girls.
Like me, they know the pain of wanting something—someone—you can't have. Like me, they know the pain of knowing the one they love wants someone else.
Unlike me, they don't have to be there for every moment.
When Tsukune does finally make his choice—when he makes the choice that we all know in our hearts that he will make—they will cry and they will hurt, but then it will be over for them.
For me, it will never be over.
I am there for their every moment, their every caress. I am there every time he holds her in his arms and whispers her name … the name that used to belong only to me. I am the voyeur to a love I'd give anything to have for myself …
But never will.
I love Tsukune Aono.
I love him with all my heart.
But he only loves half of mine.