THE ZOMBIE SURVIVAL GUIDE
Summary: Thriller Bark watch out, the Straw Hats are zombie enlightened.
Tally Mai-chan: Writen in a style that is not my norm but will be very much fun. This is why I should not write late at night. It dose things to my brain.
Brooks wasn't a zombie. The crew had decided, referring to THE ZOMBIE SURVIVAL GUIDE(TM) they had purchased in Water 7. Kokoro had told then that they were going to the Florian Triangle after all so they wanted to be prepared.
They each read the book and committed to heart, except Luffy who had the book read aloud to him by Sanji.
The captain thought it was super cool.
The crew arrives at Thriller Bark and Brook leaves, Yohoho-ing into the distance.
Nami, Usopp and Chopper board the Mimi Merry, packing AK-47's and semiautomatic rifles, and were the first to arrive on the island.
Cerberus attacks them, and is quickly deposed of by Usopp with five rounds between the three heads. Nami shoots it for good measure.
Chopper becomes their pack-mule, carrying all the guns and their ammo.
Meanwhile on the ship Robin is licked by an invisible beast. Nothing different there.
The vampire-like Hildon welcomes Nami, Usopp and Chopper to the island. Nami blasts his face to pieces with her rifle. The ghost horses take them to the mansion out of fear. But before Hildon died a lead-filled death he mentioned, in passing, the name of Dr. Hogback.
Chopper knows that name.
Zombies came out of the ground under their carriage and the three climbed to the top, blasting zombie brain to shit and mowing those zombies down like grass on a hot summer day.
The Final Fantasy victory music plays. They earned 1,000 berry and 100 exp. Nami gained level!
At the ship Robin wins all of Luffy's and Zoro's money and all of Sanji's pride in a game of cards. Franky was impressed.
Five games later they guessed they could go explore the island. They guessed.
The scared to death (again lolz) ghost horses took the tree Straw Hat pirates to a cool, spooky mansion. The same thoughts running through all their heads.
Barricade the gates, find a bathtub and fill it with water, destroy all staircases, plan alternate escape route.
Inside the mansion, Nami, Usopp and Chopper meet Cindry. She throws plates at them. They're shattered in midair faster than you can say 'pull' by Usopp.
Nami gets the kill.
In victory of her kill Nami takes a shower, wondering out loud who Dr. Hogback is. Chopper says he's a doctor. Usopp thanks the reindeer for his insightful info.
Nami is attacked by an invisible beast, he wants to marry her.
"Usopp! Chopper! Get me my rifle! There's an invisible zombie in here!"
The two rushed in, Chopper throwing Nami's rifle to her. She grabbed it and rock n' rolled all over the room. Usopp and Chopper just manage to avoid the gun fire.
Absolom twitched on the bathroom floor. He would not tap that.
The others find the dead three headed dog. Luffy and Robin morn in a moment of silence.
The three ass-kickers find Cindry's room and totally go through all her shit. Cindry died ten years ago in a plate related accident. Nothing new here.
They set to work destroying staircases. Oh and killing a few Guardians along the way for kicks.
Somehow they never ran out of ammo.
Hollow ghosts depress Luffy, Zoro and Franky. Robin is too suave to be depressed.
Zombies come and they are dispatched in seconds by Luffy. Luffy didn't need a rifle, which were carried in generous amounts by the others. He already punched with the force of five rifles.
Zombies fell, taken down one head shot at a time. It was sad really.
"Geko Moriah took my shadow!" Spoil shouts.
"He has a higher bounty than Luffy." Robin said.
"Is he a zombie?" Luffy asked.
"Yes." Robin answered.
Luffy cocked his arm like a rifle, and pulled black sunglasses from thin air, putting them on. "Let's kill some zombies."
And then he promptly tripped on the ground because it was dark and the sunglasses made everything darker and thus impossible to see.
Zoro and Sanji facepalmed.
The super special awesome Straw Hat three stumbled upon Hogback's super special secret laboratory and watched in awe as he created a new zombie. Chopper beat the others to the kill. 'Bout time he kicked some zombie ass.
Ryuuma runs past them from behind, his sword drawn. They pull out their guns and take aim when they are taken down. He trades his swords for Nami's guns.
Nami is PISSED
(line)
Luffy and gang come across the mansion. Thinking
Barricade the gates, find a bathtub and fill it with water, destroy all staircases, plan alternate escape route. GET MEAT.
"Surprise butt sex!" The surprise zombies shout, jumping out from behind the Straw Hat crew. Robin sprouted arms from her body, each pair holding a rifle and fired four simultaneous rounds, all head shots.
In the excitement and wondering of the possibilities of Robin's powers and the ways it can be used to massacre zombies no one noticed Sanji's disappearance.
"Aw nuts." The zombie squirrel sighed as Chopper woke up in his coffin and hoof him through the head.
The reindeer wakes up Nami and Usopp, surprisingly Usopp still had his guns. Nami had a strange sword, and mourned the loss of her guns.
La gaspe! Zombies are attacking. They're gone like birthday cake, Nami particularly killing a dog-faced penguin via decapitation with her new sword. He felt like a pervert to her.
They earned 5,000 berri! Usopp and Chopper gained a level!
Lola arrives on scene, and graciously thanks Nami for knocking out her beloved Absalom so she could make him sign a wedding contract. She offers them cake and grief counseling.
Nami likes Lola and decides not to killer because hey! Who doesn't like cake?
At the ship Sanji wakes up (with his shadow) and shivers, trying to shake off the notion that Nami just killed him in cold blood.
Luffy and crew are STILL ogling over Robin and her ability to be a one man shooting line that almost no one noticed Zoro's disappearance. Robin noticed but Zoro was always getting himself lost, and was somehow able to find his way back in time for the big finale.
She started to wonder if it was more of a blessing than a curse
Luffy stumbles upon a suit or armor and did a split-second change, proudly strutting in his new armor. Franky approves.
As they go through the castle they find little zombie resistance. The only zombie they came across was one named Jiguroh who used the same moves as Zoro. Franky took him out with some missiles and when the smoke cleared Luffy was gone.
"You think it'd be hard to lose a boy wearing bright gold plate armor." Franky mused, not that worried at all. Robin nodded in agreement.
Talleran was a total bitch. Thankfully when he reared his ugly head to Robin and Franky they were quick to respond. Together they were a two man army with Robin's arms holding Zoro's and Sanji's guns along with her own, Franky used his own assortment of guns; adding to the mix.
Talleran went down in seconds, though sadly took the bridge with him.
Brooks jumps into the courtyard, doing a heroic pose, leaving everyone in antici...pation, only to find that there were no zombies.
"I though that I was going to... you know... save the day?" Brooks said.
"Zombies are no worry to us." Robin said cooly. Frankly meanwhile saw the pillars in the courtyard and came up with the ingenious idea of piller-chucks. Chuck Norris eat your heart out.
Oh and Hogback patches corpses together and Moriah puts shadows in them to create a zombie army. Brooks so kindly informed them. He thought about giving them some salt, which are the zombie's weakness but decided that the Straw Hats were doing quite well without it.
Moriah is PISSED.
His mad scientist Hogback was dead. Cindry, head of Thriller Bark fan service, was dead. Absalom, gone on his honeymoon with Lola. Leaving just Persona, and her strange, bear-like creature that gave him the willies, Kumashi.
"How the fucking hell can I become Pirate King without my zombie army!"
"As if!" Luffy shouted from his cage. "I'm going to be Pirate King!"
"Shut up!" Moriah yanks Luffy's shadow from his body, the boy passed out instantly.
"You have meee Moriah-sama!" Perona cooed.
"Zombies!" Moriah ignored her completely, "Go to the freezer and bring out zombie 900! And go do something useful for a change!" He snapped at Perona. "Go take Straw Hat boy back to his ship. I'll be back!"
"Oh my..." Brook was mildly worried when he stormed Hogback's lab and found his zombie counterpart there, holding two AK-47s. "Any chance we can talk this out?"
IN THE FREEZER!
"My greatest creation... is completed!" Moriah cracked manically as he put Luffy's shadow into Oars.
OarsLuffy wakes up and throws a temper-tantrum, demanding meat, and politely insisting that he is the future Hokage. And begins to smash everything in sight (use your final smash Luffy!).
Nami, Usopp and Chopper jump out from Kumashi in a spray of gunfire and slaughter all nameless zombie goons. The three decided they were going to need something stronger to take out Oars and made a strategic retreat. Moriah, of course, escapes. The three run down the stairs, attacked by zombie legions on all sides and were soon to be overwhelmed. Numerous pairs of arms sprout on the walls, a rifle thrown to each pair and in unison fired upon the zombies.
Robin and Franky ran up the stairs, and together everyone performs a group high-five, and a dramatic-action pose.
With no zombie goons around to feed him Oars goes on rampage and breaks out of the freezer, politely insisting that he will be Hokage. He wonders what he's going to do now that he's out of the freezer. Hmmm...
"You do know what happened the last time you came here to fight me." Ryuuma said as he took aim. Brooks, unsheathed his sword; wishing that he had a cane laser. Because that would be cool. And immensely useful at the moment. "I hate your 'fro by the way."
"If only you had a sword, "Brooks said, and attacked Ryuuma, dodging the gun fire. "Then you could have cut it off, but no, you wanted guns. Now I shall gladly take my shadow back!"
And Brooks defeated Ryuuma and took Nami's guns for himself. It wasn't an awesome cane laser but it would have to do.
Sanji and Zoro, who were at the ship fully awake, were arguing. Insults hurled through the air, Sanji literally heating up over the fight. Before an epic battle could break out Perona and her zombies came onto the Thousand Sunny, dragging along an unconscious Luffy.
Perona walks in on the two arguing and they immediately poured their energy into fighting and killing all zombies in sight. Perona sent out her negative Hollows and made her escape. No way was she fighting against a monster and a flaming demon!
Then everyone else appeared and they had a meeting!
"Dose anyone else feel like we really messed up our cannon?" Usopp asked, everyone nodding their heads in agreement.
"But" Franky said. "We looked kickass doing it."
"Meat!"
So everyone agreed to split up... for... some reason (THE AUTHOR TOLD THEM TOO!). Luffy, Robin, and Chopper going after Moriah. Zoro and Franky going to look for Brooks (Luffy wanted a musician dammit!) And Nami, Usopp, and Sanji going after Perona... for... some strange reason...
Team Gun 'em Down (Robin, Luffy and Chopper) faced very little opposition getting to Moriah, and readied their weapons for the fight when Moriah started to monologue.
"Blah, blah, blah overconfident, blah, blah, ambition blah, I'm going to be Pirate King, blah, blah, blah, not lift a finger, blah, blah over 9000 blah, blah."
"I'm so going to kick your ass!" Luffy shouted and used his gomu gomu attacks only to be blocked by Moriah's shadow. Robin's and Chopper's guns doing nothing against him as well.
"I thought you said you were going to kick my ass?" Moriah chortled, while pointing at Luffy. "Oooh, I'm so scared of the little straw hat boy, what are you going to do huh? Hit me with your itty-bitty fists? I'm quaking in my shadow!"
Luffy jumped off the ledge and into the freezer.
"What? Are you running away now? You're such a push over! Pirate King my-"
And Luffy used gomu gomu no stamp to break through the ledge Moriah and the others stood on and littered kicked him from behind, in the ASS.
Team Brook's Extraction Unit, BEU for short found Brooks, and seeing how there were no zombies to kill decided to try and repair some of their cannon that has been... derailed.
"I have to protect my afro because it is the only way Laboon will remember who I am. I made a promise to meet him by going back through reverse mountain."
Zoro was anxious to start kicking ass again. "Laboon's alive. We found you. Let's get back to the action before everyone hogs all the kills."
"But first." Brooks looked to Franky. "Do you think you can make me a cane laser?"
Team Seriously Needs a Cool Name found Perona's room and Perona used Hollow Ghost!
It hits Nami! It's Super Effective! Nami is too depressed to fight.
It hits Sanji! It's Super Effective! Sanji is too depressed to fight.
Usopp is unaffected! Perona goes "Whaaaaaa?"
Usopp used Fire Blast. Perona used Substitute!
Usopp used Oder Slueth! He identified Perona! Perona used Present!
Usopp used Mind Screw! It's Super Effective! Perona faints!
Usopp gained 300 exp! Author earned 0 berri.
"Oars!" Moriah shouts, rubbing his sore and bruised bum. "Capture them all! I want them sent packing in their ship!" And promptly-bravely ran away! Yes, Moriah bravely ran away! "I DID NOT!" He shouts at the author.
The room, for no reason, starts to collapse around them and the Straw Hat's make it out in time. All of them somehow appearing in a courtyard. All except Luffy, who had ran after Moriah. Who did not bravely run away.
"I think that we are so derailed from our original cannon that we're effective screwing with time and space." Chopper said. Robin agreeing.
Zoro, Franky and Brooks arrive in the courtyard, and Zoro is visibly disappointed at the lack of violence.
"Please tell me you didn't kill them all!"
"Well-" Robin started to say when OARS SHOWED UP! Chasing Usopp, Nami and Sanji into the courtyard. Zoro yoinks the sword from Nami, declaring it his and faces off against Oars.
Together, Zoro and Sanji double team the giant giant and do absolutely nothing against him. Robin fires ten rifles (gosh, when was the last time those things were used?) and achieves similar results. Then as Franky is thinking of making his Pillar-Chucks gets an even more brilliant idea!
"Zoro! Sanji! Stand next to each other!" And Franky grabbed Usopp and jumps/latches onto the Zoro's and Sanji's shoulders. "Robin! Take my hand!"
"I'd rather die. No, just no. NO."
"But-"
"It is an insult to humanity," And she slapped him five times consecutively.
"I have to agree." Zoro said.
"It's cool." Franky got over the whole thing rather quickly, but only because he got an even better idea.
"Uh? Guys?" Nami pointed to Oars, who was about to smash the living day lights out of them. "I think we have bigger problems."
Perona is running through the castle, arms laden with gold when Bartholemew Kuma shows up!
"Where did you come from!" Perona cries out!
"I... don't... know." Kuma said, looking around him confused. "Is there someplace you'd like to go?"
"Uh, someplace in a galaxy far, far away."
"Very well." And she disappeared. Which confused Kuma because weren't they inside a castle? Kuma sensed a disturbance in the cannon.
Luffy had chased Moriah into the forest but it was just Moriah's shadow. "I think the sun is going to rise soon!" He said out of nowhere.
"Hey! We're pirates!" A group of pirates came out of nowhere. "Come meet our captain!"
"Marry Me!" Lola asks.
"No way!" Luffy says.
"That's uh... I can't remember my own cannon!" Lola starts to freak out. "Here take all these shadows and kick Moriah's butt! Card games on motorcycles?"
"Cool!" Luffy roared as he turned into a blue version of The Hulk that was made out of awesome! "Time to kick some ass!" He says as he puts on sunglasses and dose not trip as he runs back through the forest. He's just that awesome.
"Ganondorf is replacing Crocodile." Kuma told Moriah, back at the castle. "No, that's not right. It's Jarfar. No! Jack Sparrow-NO! It's, it's-"
"Dude, you're not that scary." Moira laughed, feeling in the mood to monologue some more.
"STFUYSB!" Kuma bitch smacks Moriah through the floor and out the castle. "It's Blackbeard! That's who! Bitch Yeah! …... This is bad."
"I'm out of ammo!" Usopp cries out, shocked. They never ran out of ammo before!
"So what now?" Nami asked.
"Watch them?" Robin nodded to Zoro, Brooks and Sanji who were still bravely fighting Oars.
"Sound's good." Usopp agreed. "Hey! Where'd this popcorn come from? It's very good though."
Chopper tried to express worry over their dissolving canon but Usopp shoved some popcorn into his mouth and he shut up.
"Hey!" Zoro shouted at them. "Go be useful and get some salt!"
"No, no!" Nami shouted back. "We think you're doing a find job! Just smile and wave!"
And Moriah dose a barrel roll into the courtyard, scrambling to his feet and somehow got himself into Oars' tummy. "Oars! Change of plans! The cannon is going to hell and we're getting the hell out of here! All your base are belong to us!"
But then Nightmare Luffy showed up and did a first pump and there was so much pure awesomeness in that one fist pump that it purged Oars of his shadow. Said awesomeness was so great that it created a small tiny sun that shone over the whole ship.
"Objection!" Moriah pointed dramatically. "I deny your reality and substitute my own!" And he huffed, and he puffed, and sucked in all the shadows in Thriller Bark, taking even all the shadows that were inside Luffy! (Okay, I know there's a sex joke in there somewhere...).
"I'm melting!" Usopp cried, "I'm melting!"
"No... no you're not." Nami said, taking a few steps away from him. "You're a looney."
"Believe it!" Chopper gave a thumbs up.
And the air started to distort around them, Robin noticed and voiced everyone's fears. "I think that our cannon has been so derailed that our universe is destroying itself!"
"I won't let cannon harm Nami-swan and Robin-chawn!" Sanji posed dramatically, but then Franky (who was gone for a long time) came back with five robotic lions?
"Franky!" They all shouted.
"You made robots!" Usopp, Luffy and Chopper said in unison, eyes sparkling.
"No," Franky said with a smile. "I MADE VOLTRON!"
"Dibbs! Black lion!" Luffy shouted, climbing over Usopp to get to the shinny robot lions.
"I'm red lion!" Sanji shouted.
"No way! I'm red lion!" Usopp argued. Meanwhile all the other lions were claimed by Robin, Nami, Brooks and Chopper.
Together they made Voltron! Defender of the universe!
"THE. HELL." Was all Moriah could say to the awesomeness that was before him.
"Form Blazing Sword!" Luffy commanded "Now Falcon Punch!" And Moriah was shot through the heart and disintegrated from the awesome.
"Nakamaship!"
After the amazingly short, but amazingly epic (It's Voltron! How can that not be epic!) battle the Straw Hat pirates found themselves to be in a strange place. The Twilight Zone.
And the clouds parted in the sky and Eiichiro Oda floated down. He waggled his finger at his creations and shook his head disapprovingly.
"You guys," He said. "Do you know what happens when the One Piece cannon goes out of wack?"
They shook their heads. Eiichiro Oda sighed and came down to eye level with them.
"Due to the extreme awesomesause that is the One Piece cannon any cannon derailment has terrible consequences. It's a very delicate balance. You see, think of all the cannons as little planets in one big universe. With the One Piece planet, which is so awesome that it radiates it, is a sun to the other cannon planets.
"But, if One Piece cannon goes screwy the planet implodes on its self and normally the cannon universe can just restart everything but the One Piece universe is just too awesome for that. So the planet becomes a black hole that sucks in all the other cannon planets and will eventually create a crossover so intense that the universe simply... ceases to exist.
"Now..." Eiichiro Oda waved his hand and they were all back at Water 7. "This will be all but a dream that you will never remember." And vanished.
The crew blinks in surprise, looking about in confusion.
"I feel like I made something totally awesome." Franky said, scratching his head.
"I feel like I was a one woman army of kickass." Robin said.
"I feel like I had a dream about a sparkly man standing in a meadow." Nami said. "It's just so stupid that I bet I could make millions off it!"
"Meat!"
And thus the crazy-awesome adventures of the Straw Hat pirates continued.
The Normal End.