shoving it down you speak and you choke
Summary: Elena's POV during 4x10. Rebekah compels Elena to say deep personal things she never wanted to say aloud. Basically Elena's mindset during 4x10 and giving her a voice where the show stripped it from her. Elena-centric, Elena/Damon at the end.
She's had bright blue eyes stare into hers before with the same compelling push. She had seen pupils dilate and swallow the blue whole right before her, erasing memories, erasing moments that should have been hers to keep. But this time, the blue is lighter and the push is harsher.
"I dare you to tell Stefan the truth about Damon."
Rebekah's eyes dig into hers. Elena closes her eyes, trying to shut Rebekah out, but the words rise to the surface anyway. "Being with Damon makes me happy."
She's almost relieved that not too much comes out. Damon makes her happy, but that is such a small part of what he means to her that maybe it's okay. Maybe she can push it back down, pretend she doesn't see the hurt look on Stefan's face.
When Rebekah's eyes return with a command to dig deeper, she can feel her control slip away, her mind spilling forward like a dam.
"When I'm with him," she begins, trying to stop, closing her eyes. "It feels unpredictable" she can hear her voice say, but she doesn't want to, doesn't want to say it. These are her feelings and she doesn't want anyone to know, let alone him. But they spill out anyway. She turns her eyes down. The compulsion makes her answer the question, but Rebekah never compelled her to look at them. "Like I'm free."
It's almost ironic. Here she is, saying how free Damon makes her feel, when she's not even in control of the words coming out of her mouth.
But the barrage of questions keep coming. She feels that familiar tear of Rebekah's words, this time asking her about Stefan. And all of a sudden it gets so much worse.
Her mind is a litany of no no no no no, but it doesn't seem to matter what she thinks (it never does). The words come out anyway. "Lately, it feels like I'm a project. Like I'm a problem that needs to be fixed." She knows this, has told Stefan this before (You mean me. The only way to fix me), but it's so much worse now. Elena doesn't want to say it, but she is and she can see the look on Stefan's face. "I think I make him sad."
She's angry at Stefan and angry at Rebekah, but all she can feel is guilt and shame and embarrassment as her deepest feelings keep flooding out. "And I can't be with someone like that because," she breathes, trying to make it stop again (she knows it's futile), "when he looks at me, all he sees is a broken toy."
And now she feels like that. Broken. As her mind is toyed with by Rebekah and she sees the betrayed looks on Stefan's face, she knows that Elena Gilbert is nothing right now. She's nothing but someone who hurts other people, who causes other people pain.
Rebekah has a sly smile on her face as she looks at Stefan. The assaults keep coming. "Do you still love Stefan?"
This one is easier. She can answer this truthfully without hurting him. "Yes."
Of course, that's not all. It never ends easily with her. Rebekah's smile and blue eyes and probing questions return and the emotions are all too much. She's barely contained rage and shame and humiliation as she answers, "No."
Tears brim her eyes. She's known this, it's been inside her for a while (since the day he tried to drive her off of Wickery Bridge), but she can't help the feelings of guilt as she looks at his face. He wasn't supposed to hear it. Those thoughts were hers and now they're not anymore.
Rebekah keeps yelling at Stefan and Elena realizes what she was in this whole situation. She was a weapon, an object. Someone Rebekah used to hurt Stefan. She's so angry that she wants to get up and hurt her right back, but Elena cannot move. She's compelled to her seat and Elena seethes in her feelings of rage, guilt and impotence.
The look on Stefan's face says it all.
Stefan walks away and she wants to be angry. Wants to yell at him to get him to listen. To get him to stop giving up.
She's mad at him because he was so ready to erase every moment they had together all because she moved on. Because he's trying to fix her out of her vampirism and her love for his brother (another truth from today). Because he put Jeremy in danger. Because he tried to drive her off a bridge for revenge and hasn't given one single apology. Because he gave up on them way before she gave up on him.
But she lets him walk away. Because she can't anymore. She can't keep trying to mend a relationship with someone who sees her as a broken toy. She can't keep hurting people with her words and her feelings. (She went after what she wanted and this is what happened.)
(But the anger's still there, seething inside, shoved down deep within Elena's mind. Right alongside the guilt and the self-blame and the sadness. She might not have had a choice in hurting Stefan today, but she has a choice in what she does with her anger.)
Shove it down, shove it down, shove it down until it's not there anymore.
She goes home and she cries on her front porch.
Cries for the pain she caused Stefan. For the things she never wanted spoken aloud (at least not to them). For the loss of control. For the loss of everything she had with Stefan.
But eventually, the tears stop. Elena thinks of the things she was forced to say (I slept with Damon because I'm in love with him) and she realizes something. Rebekah made her tell Stefan and Caroline, but there's one person who doesn't know (someone who deserves to know). And she can tell him. Elena Gilbert can tell Damon Salvatore that she loves him because she wants to and not because someone is compelling her to.
They're her feelings and she'll damn well tell him if she wants to.
She takes out her phone and hears it ring, once, twice. She hopes that she doesn't get his voicemail again - the whole point of this is sharing her feelings with him, not his answering machine.
When she hears his voice, she breathes a sigh of relief. Elena tells him about Stefan, asks him about Jeremy, tells him she trusts him. Just hearing his voice makes everything feel so much better, so much less lonely and painful (part of her wonders if it's the sire bond, but she knows she loves him and it's real, so she stops and shoves the thought down).
He's about to hang up when she stops him - she hasn't even told him what she wanted to say when she called him.
"Something happened today. I realized something about you. About us. And you can say that it's the sire bond, and you know what? Maybe it is."
She shoves the thought down as she keeps talking, she needs to get this out and he needs to hear it.
"But, I'm telling you it's the most real thing I've ever felt in my entire life. I love you, Damon." She can feel the smile take over her face and she needs to say it again, "I love you." She can almost hear his astonishment over the phone and wonders if he already knew (he knows a lot about her before she does. They have an understanding).
He mentions wanting to get the cure for her and she wants to stop him, talk about how she maybe doesn't want to get the cure, but he keeps talking (about doing things she won't like). And when he tells her to come see him, she can't stop the rush of joy at the idea of seeing him again.
It's strange - it doesn't feel like when he sent her away, when her mind was was fighting against her body leaving the lakehouse. Now, all she wants to do is drive to him as soon as she can.
There's things she wants to say (about the cure, about the bond, about Jeremy), but she'll tell it to him later, when she can see his face.
She tells him, "Goodnight, Damon." The same thing she's said on this very same porch countless times.
She loves Damon, and she's about to see him, and for now, that's what matters.
For a moment, she lets herself be happy.
(And maybe this time the world won't come crashing down).