Title: December
Summary: "I never knew we would end the season where we began." After a bitter breakup with his longtime girlfriend, Edward spends a year struggling to move on and accepting a reality without the woman he loves most.
Pairing: Bella/Edward
Rating: M
Word Count: 3,213
Song: December by Neck Deep
Disclaimer: Twilight and its inclusive material is copyright to Stephenie Meyer. Original creation, including but not limited to plot and characters, is copyright to the respective authors of each story. No copyright infringe is intended.
My legs are wobbly as I walk through our old neighborhood. I must've passed here at least a thousand times since she left. I constantly return here hoping there's a sign that she'll come back to me. I've waited 50 days so far; I could wait an entire year if it means having her in my arms again.
We promised to start our forever here. We had a house, albeit small and needed a big makeover to look presentable inside, that was our own little bubble. I didn't care if we'd have to slave away hours to afford our dream home someday. As long as she was by my side, I could get through anything.
Instead of pausing in front of our former home and reminiscing on our memories like I usually do, I will myself to walk past it. It's one of the hardest things I have to do since we went our separate ways. I may have been the one to break her heart, but I didn't do it because I stopped loving her. I did it when I didn't intend to push her away.
"Leave, asshole. My parents were right. I should've never chosen to be with you." I never knew those would be one of the last words I'd ever hear from her.
I never knew we would end the season where we began.
~:~
"She has a new boyfriend."
I gawk at my younger sister, Alice, in disbelief. I haven't seen her for months. I spent many days grieving and barely breathing to keep in touch with my loved ones.
Alice can't be serious. She has to be joking. My girl couldn't have moved on this quick.
When I don't say anything, she continues on. "He's a nice guy. His name's Anthony. I don't know how serious they are, but he seems to make her happy."
This isn't real. This can't be happening. "How long have they been dating?"
"Not long. Maybe a month?"
"It's not gonna last," I say firmly. No man is good enough for her. It frustrates me that I can't be there to protect her. We grew up together. I looked out for her as the older brother she never had. Whoever this Anthony is, I'm certain he has nothing in comparison to my history with her.
"Bella is fine if that's what you're wondering."
"She doesn't give a fuck about me, does she?"
"It's not that. She still cares about you."
"How is she fine when I'm not?" I snap. "We were together for ten years. Best friends since we were kids. How could she forget me so easily? How could she replace me?"
"Edward, listen to me. It's been six months since you broke up with her-"
"We didn't break up," I clarify. "We were taking a break."
"That wasn't the impression you left her. You made it clear to her that you stopped wanting her."
"But I do want her!" I shout. After our argument, I spent two weeks out of town to clear my head. I drank my pain away and processed the major points we argued about: having barely any spare time for each other, my jealousy of seeing her with other men, coming home frequently drunk, and how I became more irritable about the littlest things. When it registered how wrong I was for being ignorant of her feelings, she had packed up all her belongings while I was gone and left. None of her friends or family knew where she was, other than the fact that she needed to be as far away from me as possible.
Alice glares at me, crossing her arms. "Then what did you mean? What else does 'I don't need you in my life anymore' mean?"
"I didn't mean it."
"Well, you should've told her that before you walked out that fucking door."
I hate being reminded by how wrong I acted. I'm disgusted by the man I became during the last few months I was with Bella. I was so certain that she wouldn't give up on me even when times were tough. I took our relationship for granted and I didn't truly grasp her importance in my life until I was forced to live on my own following her departure.
Alice looks at me with pity. She inches closer to me, placing her hand on her shoulder. "This isn't the end of the world. Mom, Dad, and I are still here. You don't have to suffer alone."
~:~
I can't bear the thought of Anthony taking my role in Bella's life. It's his clothes that she's wearing. It's his hand that she's holding in public. It's his lips that she kisses hello or goodbye. It's his quirks that makes her smile now.
What does she see in him? What does Anthony have that I don't?
I hold the opening of the bottle to my lips, taking a swig of the Fireball whiskey. The alcohol burns my throat with a lingering ache that counters my thoughts about Bella. A new family moved into our old house, so I can't drink my pain away there. I'm stuck in my room for an apartment I can barely afford to rent. It was the cheapest home I found online that I could move into as soon as possible.
"Here's to the next chapter of our life." I beam, raising my glass of champagne in the air. "We may not have a dog and a white picket fence yet, but this house is oirs. It's a house we can call our own."
"Ours," Bella seconds, raising her own glass. "Here's to our first step of eternity."
"Cheers." We clink our glasses. It would've been more logical for us to wait until next year, but it was more fitting to choose December to move in. December was the month where we shared our first kiss back during our sophomore year of high school and the month where we first said "I love you" to each other. It would mean a lot more to us to checkmark a part of our adulthood in December too.
Bella stands on her tiptoes and presses her lips to my cheek. "I love you."
I snake my arm around her waist, pulling her close to my chest. "I love you too, sweet girl. Thank you for always making me feel like the luckiest man in the world every day when I'm with you."
We lived in that house for less than a year. I didn't have the chance to carry out the small renovating plan I had in mind for Bella's birthday. I wanted to paint all the doors in our house red, a shade to reflect her favorite color. Since we didn't have enough money to substitute the doors, my inexpensive idea was to paint the doors while Bella wasn't home. However, work drained away the hours I had to do. I pushed my plan to finish it by our anniversary, but that was thwarted when we had our big argument a few days shy of our tenth anniversary.
I miss her so much. There isn't a single second when she isn't in my head. There's so much I wish I could say to her. If she hadn't changed her number, I would've called her, apologized, and begged for a second chance. I would've sworn to be a changed man, because a better man is what she deserves than the poor excuse of a human being I was when we fought.
I slam the bottle down, slumping farther down on the floor. Pain isn't permanent, but tonight is another night where that pain is still killing me.
~:~
Isabella Marie Swan is in a relationship with Anthony Masen.
I clutch my phone tighter in my hands. If I had read this a few months ago, my instant reaction would've been to scream and thrown my phone across the room. It has been nine months since our argument. I've ceased relying on alcohol to fall asleep at night. If it weren't for a major intervention from Alice and my friends, I'd still be emotionally unstable. I'm fortunate that I have friends and a little sister who didn't give up on me.
I learned to feel numb to the pain. I utilized a gym membership to resist lashing out to my loved ones whenever I thought about Bella. Slowly, the lowest point of my life became my motivation to get my life back on track. Bella may be in love with someone else, but she wouldn't want to see me miserable.
Most of the comments are flooded with congratulations from Bella and Anthony's Facebook friends. A few question how long they've been dating. Turning onto my side on my bed, I decide to leave a comment of my own. Best wishes for you two.
It wouldn't be that hard to leave a petty remark as a comment. Only our close friends know about the authentic reason our breakup. A comment of blaming Bella for leaving me brokenhearted can surely stir trouble for her relationship with Anthony. But I don't want to burden Bella just because I'm not completely alright. It's not my place to compromise her happiness for my own.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" We're walking home together after seeing a movie with Alice, Jasper, and Emmett. It's a blessing how we live on the same block; it gives me the excuse to steal a few extra minutes with her whenever we go out with our friends.
"Should I not be looking at my girl like that?"
"I'm not your girl."
"What if I want you to be?"
She pauses in her footsteps. It's our thing when I tease her for being "my girl." It's an ongoing joke since we were kids when Alice teased that we'd get married someday so Alice could have Bella as an official sister.
"Quit it, Edward. Isn't it too early for April Fools?"
"No." I skitter to stand in front of her. "Bella, I can't take it anymore. I like you, okay? You're one of my best friends and I get if you don't like me back, but I don't like thinking of you with another guy."
"Is this about Mike asking me out last week? You don't have to say that to make me feel better-"
I don't wait for her to finish speaking. I grab her cheeks and plant my lips onto hers. Whoa, I'm kissing Bella Swan. I'm kissing the girl that should've been my first kiss and not Tanya Denali from that stupid game of truth or dare at Jasper's birthday party in 7th grade. This is so much better than eating a whole box of pizza.
"Why did you do that?" Bella asks when our mouths disconnect.
"I meant what I said. I really like you."
She smiles. "Thank god. I like you too."
I don't feel so blue lately. I sincerely hope she's happy with Anthony. If my friends approve of him, then I should too.
Approval isn't acceptance, but I think I'm closer to achieving the day where I can say "I'm not in love with Bella" and mean it.
~:~
"Hello? Who's this?"
"Edward?"
My body goes stiff. Am I hearing the voice I thought I'd never hear again? "Who's this?"
"It's Bella."
"Bella," I breathe. Today is the first day of December. Is it coincidence that she chose today out of the other 300-something days since our breakup?
"How are you?"
"I'm... fine."
"Are you?" Her question is laced with concern. "Last time I spoke with Alice, she said you weren't doing so well."
"Don't worry about me. I'm actually doing better nowadays." Granted, I was a regular at Emily's, but that's all in the past.
"I'm glad."
"Why'd you call?" Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett refused to give me Bella's new number, no matter how much I pleaded. They didn't want to tell me until they were sure I wouldn't plot to destroy Bella and Anthony's relationship.
"Can we meet for coffee? Or lunch? I... want to catch up."
"Does your boyfriend know you're talking to me?"
"He knows. To be honest, Anthony was the one who convinced me to call."
"Why?"
"He wants to see us patch things up."
"Does he now," I say blankly. I don't want to antagonize Anthony, but I have no idea if Anthony did this out of the goodness of his heart or if he just wants to look like a good boyfriend,
"Anthony isn't a bad guy, if that's what. Do you want to meet him? I bet you two will get along."
"Er... not yet. But I will take you up on that offer for coffee or lunch." I'm not ready to meet Bella's new boyfriend yet. I'm barely ready with the prospect of seeing Bella in person after nearly an entire year.
"Great! How does Sunday at noon sound?"
~:~
When Bella shows up at the entrance to Billy's Cafe, I'm stunned by how beautiful she still is. Her once chest-length hair now reaches to the middle of her back. There's even red highlights in her brunette strands now. She's wearing a red hoodie, jeans, and a pair of black boots. As she approaches closer to where I'm sitting, I recognize her hoodie is the same hoodie I gave her for her 22nd birthday.
The first 15 minutes of our lunch outing is spent with general greetings and catching up on our current lifestyle. She hasn't changed much, a massive relief since I feared that Anthony might have changed her into a woman that's a contrast to the woman I grew up with. The more we converse, the more reassured I feel that Anthony is taking care of my girl.
Sometime later, while we're enjoying our meals, Bella brings up the topic I dreaded to discuss.
"I'm sorry." She puts her fork down on her plate. "I'm sorry about leaving you last year. "
My hands ball into fists on my lap. I try not to give away my discomfort. "Why did you leave?"
She bites her lips. Her eyes tear up, and I listen attentively to her explanation.
"I didn't intend to be gone longer than I did. Rose suggested I could stay with her cousin, Anthony, several cities away if it was too painful for me to keep waiting for you to come home. He was cool with letting me stay for as long as I needed to. Once I got there, it just... happened. Anthony and I became fast friends. He was incredibly kind and understood my situation. He kept insisting I was good company by the time I was living there for about a month. When he asked if I wanted to live there with him permanently, I didn't hesitate to say yes.
He helped me find a new job. He made it obvious that he liked me, but didn't do anything about it since he knew I was still hung up over you. He was willing to wait until I was ready to give him a chance or prefer to remain as friends.
It wasn't hard to fall for him. I haven't told him yet, but I do love him. I considered many times to come back home and fix our relationship, yet I couldn't handle the idea of leaving Anthony. That was when I realized that you and I weren't in a good place to stay together. Our arguments should've been the sign that our relationship was getting toxic. The only thing that kept me from ending us was because we knew each other since we were in diapers.
You'll always have a special place in my heart. Do I still love you? Yeah. But it's not the same love it used to be. I want a love filled with honesty and trust. You never fully trusted that I could be independent. I get that you want to protect me, but I'm capable of protecting myself. Anthony's different. He doesn't lie and lets me do things without him. He's everything I can ask for."
"Stop coming home drunk! It's your fault you almost got fired!"
"My fault! I'm not the one flirting with other men!"
"I'm not flirting with anyone! How many times do I have to tell you that?"
"Just because you don't flirt doesn't mean they're not looking."
"So what do you want me to do? Quit? Do you know how hard I worked through college to get this job?"
"You'll find another job. Any employer is lucky to have you."
"This isn't about what you want, Edward. Just because you don't like something doesn't mean you should be scolding me for it."
"I'm not scolding you. I just want what's best for you."
"You don't control me. Stop being a jealous bastard."
"Stop being a bitchy girlfriend."
"Oh, so I'm a bitchy girlfriend? Your bitchy girlfriend pays half of our bills."
"I don't ask for you to pay them."
"I pay them because this is what keeps a roof over our heads."
"Then I don't need you in my life anymore."
"Then leave, asshole. My parents were right. I should've never chosen to be with you."
The way that Bella talks about Anthony is the same tone of how she introduced me to people as her boyfriend. It's a tone of love. As I sit here having eating in a cafe where we often used to go on dates, it dawns on me that this is it. Any degree of optimism for her to be my girl again is gone. If I had known that less was more, then her heart would've still been mine.
"I wish you well," I murmur. "My mistakes weren't intentions and I wish I could go back in time so I didn't behave like a jerk. If our one year apart taught me anything, it's that I learned my lesson. I won't be a jealous bastard anymore. I really do wish you nothing but happiness."
"Th-thank you." A tear slips down her cheek. "I hope you'll find someone that makes you happy too."
"Friends?"
For the first time since our breakup, I genuinely smile.
Acceptance. I can finally terminate my long, lonely December.
"Friends."