"You're only 53," the whisper fell from the lips of his beloved, "You shouldn't be leaving me behind so soon." The windows were open and the breeze was slight, but still enough to send the white curtains dancing between streams of sunlight. That sunlight landed on the black hair of the one who spoke, gleaming off of the tear on his cheek.
The one in the bed, whose blond hair shone golden in the sunlight, clutched at the raven's hand with what little strength he had left. "Who…would've thought…" he rasped out, every word a struggle, "a monster…like me…wouldn't…" he broke off, and the raven pushed his back up, helping him try to find his breath. Shizuo gasped, trying to fill his lungs, trying to remember what it felt like to have them pushing air in and out of him like they always did before. When the blackness retreated from his gaze and his head stopped spinning, he finished his sentence, "wouldn't be able to…overcome this."
Izaya looked down at him, anger in the depths of his gaze, but when he spoke he made sure none of it showed in his voice. "You made a family, you know. You made promises. We'll always be here." Always here…without you.
"I'm…sorry…" Shizuo gasped, remembering the addiction, remembering how good it felt to breathe in that smoke, to feel it in his throat and in his chest, filling him, burning him, hurting him from the inside. Why did it stop feeling good? Shizuo felt a tear fall from his eye, staring down blankly at the spot it left on the hospital sheet.
"You're leaving us behind, you know," Izaya continued, "But that's okay, I guess. 'Cause we can remember you, and we can forgive you, because that was our rule, right, Shizu-chan?"
"Rule…" Shizuo repeated breathlessly, his throat dried out and raspy, trying to remember what his old voice sounded like. I can't drink anymore…I can't eat anymore…This is the end for me. And I'm leaving them behind. "Forgive…" What a strange thought. When someone does something so horrible, why is it that it's still always possible to forgive?
"We always forgave each other," Izaya murmured, adjusting his grip on Shizuo's hand, "If we never forgave, we'd probably still be at each other's throats even now. But it's our rule, and rules aren't supposed to be broken. So I'll keep on living, and I'll take care of our family, and I'll forgive you like we always forgave each other."
Shizuo gazed up at Izaya's red eyes, trying to breathe. He kept waiting, and waiting for that one full breath he needed, that one moment to let the air swoosh into his lungs, but it never came. He was always on the end of the line, struggling for every breath, just knowing any one of them could be his last. He was dizzy all the time, the blackness always teasing at the edges of his vision.
"Let…it end…please…Izaya…" Shizuo whispered, his chest rising and falling quickly, his now-frail body living off half-breaths. "I…wish…" he wheezed, the air suddenly gone again. The tears swam in Izaya's eyes as the raven supported him again, Shizuo leaning forward and struggling to catch that next half-breath, that next few seconds of being alive that he needed to say what he was going to say. "I didn't…have to leave you…behind."
Izaya wasn't making any sounds, but the tears were pouring freely down his cheeks now. He kept his mouth shut, afraid that if he said anything, it would come out as a sob. The only person I could ever show emotion around, Izaya thought, is the one I have to stay shielded from now. And so he put up that wall, that barrier that kept everything in.
Stop shaking, he commanded himself, breathing deeply and relaxing his shoulders. Stop trembling, he glared at his hands, willing them to steady. Stop crying. His gaze landed on Shizuo's brown eyes, and he knew he wouldn't be able to obey.
"Please…" Shizuo begged, begged with his last breaths, "Keep…living…You…and the kids…" his throat was closing up but he didn't have the breath nor the willpower to cough, "Protect…them…and yourself…" Suddenly the breeze from the open window grew stronger, and Shizuo lifted his head weakly, glancing outside.
"Rain," the blond whispered, breathing shallowly, every inhale tearing harshly through his throat, burning his lungs. He smiled up at the red eyes that gazed down upon him. "I…still smell…the rain."
Izaya didn't know why he smiled then, smiled through the tears that still slid down his cheeks. "I'm glad," he whispered, gripping Shizuo's hand, "I'm glad you can smell the rain." The room was silent as the sun started to fade, the breeze growing stronger, the curtains casting wild shadows across the room in their frantic dance.
Shizuo looked up at Izaya, and Izaya shook his head. No words are necessary anymore, they both thought. Everything, every emotion, was conveyed through their eyes. Izaya could feel the guilt and regret from Shizuo, the pain of letting go and leaving him behind. Shizuo could feel the ache from Izaya, knew the deep hurt that was stabbing at his heart at the thought of losing him. This they told each other, in one glance, and came to an agreement together.
The rain was starting now, the sunlight gone and the room lit by the lights on the ceiling. They could both hear it, dripping slowly outside, steadily speeding up until it was coming down in a roar, slamming hard into the ground. Shizuo's fingers tightened around Izaya's in one last squeeze, and there was peace between them. Izaya filled his lungs enough for the both of them, and Shizuo let his own chest empty, and they both let go.
The rain was pouring down, drumming harshly against the ground outside. The open window accepted the occasional spray of raindrops, leaving a small puddle underneath it; the curtains were soaked, yet still found the energy to keep dancing with the wind. The wind, the wind was cold and carried the heavy dampness into the room, filling the silence with its own drumming heartbeat. It curled around the blond that now lay peacefully still in the hospital bed, around the raven who hovered over the body, shuddering with sobs, finally letting that wall within him drop.
The storm never really passed, but it lessened enough for the raven to sit up, drying his eyes. I made a promise, he thought fiercely to himself, I will live on, and I will protect our family.
The hospital halls were too long and too bright, and Izaya didn't want to force his trembling legs through them. Still, he remembered his promise, and commanded himself to stand, to lock his knees, to walk away and not look back.
Despite all this, he couldn't help stopping at the doorway, grabbing the frame for support, to look back at the body of his lover, laying lonely under the sheets, blond hair carelessly tossed about in the steady wind. Who's really abandoning who, now? Izaya glanced around, trying to find the source of the random chuckle he heard, before realizing it had come from his own throat. Suddenly horrified at himself, horrified at everything he had allowed himself to become and everything that had come to this moment of weakness within him, he turned and stumbled out into the hallway.
The streets were wet, and Izaya's feet splashed through puddles and he ran unevenly away from the hospital, his breath tearing down his throat. Though not as painfully as Shizu-chan's, he thought bitterly, suddenly hating the nickname he gave to Shizuo, running faster, feeling the pain and welcoming it. The rain beat down on his head, soaked him to the bone, made his whole body shiver, and yet he still ran, ran home, home to that thing he called a family, that thing he's now sure was a mistake.
The lights were off in the house and he struggled with the key, dropping it twice with rain-slicked and unsteady fingers. He breathed quickly, each breath a painful reminder of the one he had left behind, the one who had left him behind. I made a promise, he reminded himself, a promise.
He finally got the door open, stumbling through and slamming it behind him, leaning against it and panting as the water dripped from his body to the floor. What the hell…does he expect me to do now? Izaya was suddenly very angry.
"He can't…" he whispered, fighting back the ache that was threatening to burst his heart, "He can't do that…make me fall in love…then leave me…" He clutched at his chest, as if he could make his heart stop hurting, but it never did, and he knew it never would stop. The pain would stay with him, would follow him forever, until the day he died.
Soon? He begged, not even sure what he was begging for. But no, because he'd made a promise. Protect…I must protect them…
The hallway to their room was too long, the floor boards too slippery, but he made his way down anyway, clutching at the wall for support as everything spun crazily. Must…protect… He slid open the door to their room, catching his breath as he looked down on them—his children, his and Shizuo's. But Shizuo's not here anymore…I don't have the right to call them just mine.
They were sleeping soundly, two of them—a girl and a boy. They were still young; Shizuo was right, they need to be protected still. He realized that he had called his Shizu-chan by his full name, and felt a deep stab in his heart. What the hell am I doing?
He stumbled to the kids, dropping to his knees and gripping them both tightly. They woke slowly, leaning into his embrace. "Wha…?" they mumbled together as Izaya clutched them, fingers tangling in both black and brown hair. He realized then the pain in his chest, the pain in his throat, the sting in his eyes, the wetness on his cheeks.
"I'll never leave you," he whispered, remembering the days before he and Shizu-chan had created their family, the days of hatred and constant fights. He remembered the kind of person he was before. I changed so much…
Then, for the first time, he finally felt at peace with the way Shizuo had changed him. He realized that his family was a good thing, something he could take pride in and protect. He felt the faintest presence of his lover next to him for a split second, heard the faintest whisper of a laugh.
Izaya looked down at his childrens' faces, who gazed confusingly back at him. "I love you," he whispered, "Don't ever forget that."
Maybe he was at peace with how he had changed, but there were some things that hadn't changed about him. For instance, however much he provided for the family he and Shizuo had created, he always felt that selfishness in the back of his head, that why-am-I-wasting-effort-for-the-good-of-others kind of thought.
Even now, he couldn't understand it. If I love them…why do I want to leave them so badly? The death of Shizu-chan was aching in his heart, the thought of continuing on without him made him feel as if there was no point to anything. I'm selfish. That's who I am. Maybe I don't have to change. That selfishness, he knew—he'd always known—would be the death of him.
Dedicated to my grandpa :)
Hope y'all enjoyed! Also, the ending is up for interpretation, so let me know what you think!
Thanks for reading, please please review! I love you!