"Chummy! What are you doing down here?!" Cynthia exclaimed seeing the blue dressing gown clad figure appear at the doorway from her seat at the head of the kitchen table; arms wrapped tightly around her middle feeling the cold more than ever.
It was almost midnight and the three nurses had decided to play cards whilst they waited for another call. The fourth, they thought, was well and truly asleep upstairs with her husband and newborn son.
"Needed to stretch these aging old legs" Chummy replied carefully walking into the kitchen. The floor was chilly under her bare feet but she couldn't lean down properly to put her slippers on; the pain was too much and even though she had tried, it had almost brought tears to her eyes just even trying to kick them out from where they were tucked under the foot of the bed. Still, she only intended to go downstairs for five minutes and she wasn't going to wake Peter just for that. The girls noticed immediately how quiet her voice was and how tentatively she was walking.
"Well I think you've stretched them far enough!" Trixie remarked firmly, pulling out the chair next to her and fixing her friend with a stern, determined, look. "Sit down here! Now!"
Chummy smiled quietly and sat, hand plastered to her abdomen to support the wound that still marred her; not wanting to notice the concerned faces in front of her or get into a friendly argument with anyone tonight even though she knew underneath every single one of them had her best interests in mind. "Thank you", she whispered. The walk downstairs had been far more of an effort that she thought and she felt rather faint and to be frank, a little out of breath. Perhaps Peter has been right to insist he walked with her everywhere at any moment he could and if he couldn't, someone else did. Whilst she might have resisted at first she was pleased underneath it all that the Inspector had given him a few weeks leave and he had been the most darling help to her. She was too tired to resist his fussing over her.
"Are you joining in?" Jenny asked, just about to deal a new hand of cards. Chummy had arrived at precisely the right moment and Jenny wanted desperately to engage her back with them. They had all felt the chasm that seemed to form between her collapse and her return home, a new mother and were all hankering for life to return to normality. The christening was three days ago but the anxiety around their shoulders was still there and Nonnatus still felt as though there were broken bridges at every turn.
"No, it's fine old girl. Baby will want me soon enough and I only came down for a drink of water" she responded as Jenny began to deal to the other three, nodding in acceptance.
"Well I'll get it" Cynthia replied, pushing herself away from the table. "You should have called down" she concluded, seeing Chummy just dip her head in acknowledgement and very obviously shift in her seat in pain. She had dark circles under her eyes that each and every nurse felt were more than just caused by that little chap upstairs.
"Have you taken any of that morphine Dr Turner gave you?" Jenny asked. She herself had collected it from the surgery just yesterday morning at the insistence of the doctor when she had only been discharged with pills that he knew would not touch her one bit.
"No…" Chummy responded, knowing she probably should have done as this pain was simply appalling, but she still refused. "It makes me sleep and it's even worse with Freddie. One doesn't like him so docile" she concluded carefully. It unnerved her enough already, knowing what she knew about how he came into the world. Silent thoughts were plaguing her that every twitch was a fit; wondering if he was being fussy or crying for too long, or if he cried when he was sleeping on his back or if he wasn't eating properly. They were signs too and how she wished she was as oblivious as Peter was to the things they may have to face if her worst fears came true. Or at least as oblivious as he made out to her...
"Then let him have a bottle once in a while and take some" Trixie ordered firmly, taking up her hand of cards. "You know it's only in your body for a few hours at best. He can have one bottle and you can have a rest".
"No" Chummy protested. "One hates feeling so …..sluggish and dozy. One can't sleep properly as it is". How many hours she had been awake listening to Freddie breath, watching him as he stretched and those little whimpers that meant he was hungry.
"Well, what does Peter say?" Cynthia asked, putting a glass full of water down in front of her friend before retreating back to the head of the table.
Chummy swallowed, feeling her heart drop. "One doesn't know".
"I don't follow", Cynthia replied, glancing quickly at the two other girls who clearly shared her concern at this sudden turn.
"He hasn't said anything" Chummy confessed, forehead creasing into a frown. She had a headache brewing too; hoping it was just dehydration. Perhaps she might take spot of that Morphine after all; just a half dose to tide her over once she had fed him. "One doesn't believe one is in favour".
"How did you work that one out?" Trixie laughed. It was half shock to cause her to react so and she put her cards down, not caring the others could see the rather encouraging hand she had.
Chummy looked up and shook her head, suddenly so vastly ashamed of herself that those words of betrayal towards her husband could fall from her lips; even in front of these people she called her true friends.
"Come on" Trixie encouraged, reaching across the table to take Chummy's hand realising she had been wrong to laugh. "How did you work out you aren't in favour? How can you be out of favour with that divine little fellow upstairs waiting for you?"
Still she hesitated. "We're here to help" Cynthia said softly, laying her cards down for all the world to see too. "Anything we can do to help you know we will".
"Come on Chummy…" Jenny continued. "You always tell us its better out than in. Take your own advice".
She took a deep breath and straightened her shoulders, feeling the pull in her abdomen. Chummy really didn't know where to start; save that she knew she had to somehow and somewhere. "He just…." she began, feeling shy and pathetic, swallowing the words that were about to fall. "He won't go near me". The words tumbled from her and she forced tears away, although she could see three confused faces at her declaration. "He won't hug me or even touch my hand...except when he's helping me out of bed or steadying me to go the bathroom; then he does…but ..."
Trixie shot a look at the other two nurses; knowing she had the other girls permission to say what she was going reveal. "Chummy...When you were in Hospital many a night we would come down here and find him sitting in the parlour or out on the back steps. In the middle of the night, just sitting down here on his own". She glanced at the other two again and received two discrete nods in return. "He looked so lost without you".
"Really?" Chummy choked in response. He'd been so stoic; organising her and Freddie's return home, running to see the vicar for the christening and always being there. He'd not a said a word to her.
"We tried to get him to talk about you and Freddie but he wouldn't", Jenny continued. "All three of us tried. The Sisters too….All he'd say was that he wanted you two back here as quick as he could so he knew where you were".
"He knew where we were" Chummy whispered, scared now of what was running through his mind underneath the facade he had cleared put up for her.
"Even Sister Evangelina tried and you know she can frighten any man into submission" Jenny added. "Particularly him".
Chummy nodded carefully not feeling the energy to laugh at her friend's joke.
"Go and speak to him" Cynthia whispered. "Ask him".
She saw her friend shake her head. "One doesn't know how to". She could talk to him about anything; learned that this past two years but was this a bridge too far? She had no memory of it all; he clearly did and it may just be all together far too horrific to articulate.
"He promised things about sickness and health" Trixie stated. She'd seen the darkness on his face too many times to know that this could no longer be left to fester. "Please talk to him". Chummy felt her hand being squeezed earnestly.
"Even if it's only to let him know you are still here…..Talk to him..."