"Prologue: Five Stages of Death"
There exists a model for examining one's psyche when they are coping with death. It is named the Kubler-Ross model, credited after its founders. These stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance…
Perhaps I'm approaching this wrong.
Let's say that your ability to think and your emotions are locked inside a box with no key. They run rampant and affect and destroy everything else in the box. You have no idea what they look like, what they want and what they are doing. You are blamed for everything they do.
You are isolated.
You are alone.
You receive the negative emotions unconditionally.
You are denied access to assess the situation rationally.
And say, one day, by chance, you meet someone who claims to have the key to the box. What is your reaction? Do you believe them unconditionally? Do you believe them after interrogating them? Do you shun them completely?
There is no right answer to any of these questions, these scenarios…
Only right methods of coping with your decisions.
It's a little bit like A Choose Your Own Adventure.
I chose one too many wrong turns and now…
Well, I guess I'm last…
"Yunochi! It's the first day back! You're going to be late!" that is the vibrant voice that wakes me up every morning. Like an alarm clock, almost the exact same time every day. And no, it's not time for school. It's time for me to let my dorm neighbour Miyako into my room so she can eat my dwindling food supply.
I only recently found my life's calling; I want to be an artist. I came to Hidamari apartments, my current location, as a freshman last year so I could attend Yamabuki Art School. I'll admit it; I love this place; it's my home away from home. And as they say, it's the people that make a house a home.
Take for example my living alarm clock. Miyako is a hyper-energetic bundle of insanity. She pulls outrageous stunts, such as sleeping on top of the apartment roofs and sneaking into my room when I'm at school and pinching my food. Notoriously poor and highly inappropriate at times she has somehow found her way into my heart and I regard her as my best friend. She lives next door to me in room 202. I'm a stone-throw away in room 201.
Hidamari apartments have in total six rooms and two floors with three rooms on each floor. Only four of them are occupied currently, two on the top floor and two on the bottom. It's been like this for some time. The landlady told Sae that it's been about three years since she could buy expensive alcohol… but the reason why has so far eluded me.
If there are four people living in Hidamari apartments and two live on the top floor, that leaves two on the bottom floor. The people that live there are our seniors, Sae and Hiro, whom are entering their last year at school. Hiro is a motherly figure that can create delicious meals and Sae is a talented romance novelist and a sort of detective. However, they both have hang-ups that Miyako likes to joke about. She can be insensitive at times… Can you believe she tried to flip my eggs one morning when she was cooking? The nerve of that girl – sometimes she goes too far – I mean who in their right mind flips their eggs let alone someone else's – its board lining insanity-just thinking about it now makes me so angry I just…. I just…
Phew… settle down…
Since moving here, I've adapted a very nice routine: I'm woken up by my food thief. I put my bed out to air; keep it smelling rosy for tonight. I have breakfast with my best friend. Go to school and learn from my sexually provocative home room teacher. I meet my fellow Hidamari dorm-mates, Sae and Hiro and have lunch with them. Get forced into shenanigans by Miyako and draw a lot. Return to the apartment and spend time in Hiro's room as she cooks a delicious meal that we all enjoy. Finally, I return home and have a bath before going to bed.
Some would criticise me for not living my life right. Others would praise me. My mum and dad would always tell me that a healthy routine is resemblant of a healthy state of mind and body. Whatever the reason, I was feeling great and loving life!
"Yunochi! Let me in! We have to go to school!" I can hear her whining now, her voice is stressing. It must be torturous for her being unable to raid my pantry when she can hear me ruffling the duna inside. I made each step from my bed towards the door as arduous as possible. Every thud of my footsteps corresponded with a rumbling noise of her stomach on the other side of the door.
Her smiling, goofy face greets me when I open the door.
"Ah, Yuno! Mornin'! It's not really time to go to school. Can we have breakfast at yours?" Knew it. Well, it's the usual. I examined her hands; empty. Typical.
"Ah, good morning Miyako! Sure, why not? Just let air my mattress." I smiled at the good omen brought to me in the form of a lecherous friend. I allowed a miniscule amount of room to gesture her in and she raced inside, squeezing her body to the depth of a tack head. I couldn't help but chuckle at her enthusiasm this earlier in the morning.
I closed the door and turned to find the girl already seated at my tea-table grinning goofily at me. Her shoulder length blonde hair matched her personality, a true firework. She was the life of any party. And honestly – I'm a little jealous. She has a great body to boot! S-she might find l-love before me too…! Oh, it's too embarrassing to think about… I think my face is going red…!
A-anyway, I pulled my mattress off my bed and placed it over the small balcony rail at the back of my apartment to air for the day. Miya (my pet name for Miyako, like how she calls me 'Yunochi') helped me heave it out and through the tiny gap in the sliding glass doors. Mission complete!
"Yunochi, I'm hungry." She was practically begging for food on completion of my menial daily task. I couldn't help but smile at her casual approach to stealing my food. I peaked in my pantry and found some nice Indian rolls we bought the day before yesterday. Miya got some too, but there's no doubt in my mind they didn't even make it back to her room.
I took the rolls to the tea table and placed them down before going back to the pantry for a knife and spread. After acquiring the sort after extras I turned to see Miya devour all but one of the five rolls I had just placed. She was about to continue her almost absorption-like consumption of the baked goods until I called for her to stop.
"Miya! It's not nice for you to eat all of someone else's breakfast…" I reprimanded the girl in a delicate way that made it seem like a request. Luckily for my stomach, she halted and placed the roll down.
"Ok! How about a barbeque at mine after! I'll start now!" she accepted then flung at me a question that could only be responded to with "no". I took some time to think of a way to dull that response and caught her just before she left my room.
"Miya, It's too early for a barbeque and school is starting soon and you're still in your pyjamas. Maybe when it's not the first day back we can have one, ok?"
"Hmm. Ok. I'm going to leave if you aren't going to give me any of that. I'll see if Sae and Hiro are up yet. Cya!" There she goes. By "see if Sae and Hiro are up" she means "see if I can pillage some food from them too'. I couldn't help but laugh at her enthusiasm and easily determined motives.
As funny as it sounds, she's going to need all the food she can get to be able to make it through the first day back…
The clock on the wall said I have an hour left until school starts. Better hurry up. I dressed up in my uniform, slowly finished my roll at intervals between menial tasks, packed my bag and waited outside of my room on the balcony for Miyako. I didn't see her come back up and I couldn't hear her in her room. Maybe she was still downstairs?
I trod downstairs, all ready to go to school. The red blazer I wore needed small adjustments constantly. It kept sliding out of position, like it was too big or something. My mum and dad sent it to me before the trimester started… Did they get a size too big…!
…Extra small…
…But I was an extra small last year…
…Had I…
…Shrunk…?
A cloud of gloom suddenly dawned upon me on an otherwise perfect April morning. Halfway down a flight of stairs isn't a particularly good place to feel a sudden draft of depression. Tripping and falling face first was a real possibility. One of my senior's voices broke my reverie before I made a mistake, thankfully.
"Ah, Yuno. Great timing... Would you mind taking Miyako back upstairs before she-" Sae whispered to me with the troublesome girl I was looking for bounded by her masculine arms. A great slam of the door next to hers was heard just before she finished talking. A frazzled Hiro poked her bubbly hair out the door labelled 101 half asleep. Her face was so mellowed out! It was like a puppy just being born…!
Ah-! Such a cute image in my head! I-I'm spacing out!
"Ah! Good morning Hiro! Want to cook me brea-" Miyako's loud mouth was covered by Sae and she was dragged by the girl in glasses up the stairs and towards her room. I was standing there trying to figure out what Sae was doing. Hiro was trying to as well, to an extent, yet she was probably trying to figure out who we were and where she is. She gets so out of it when she wakes up. It's… It's… So adorable!
I was about to greet Hiro but she slinked back into the room the same way she came out. Her puffy, curly hair bounced with every movement. Because of her hair type, she probably gets the worse bed hair out of all of us. It doesn't help either she is the worse person in the complex when it comes to getting up early in the morning.
With now daily Hiro's disappearing act over, I returned upstairs to find Sae and Miya. They weren't on the balcony so I could only assume they were in Miya's room. My finger touched 202's doorbell and Sae answered. Her glasses gleamed immediately then her eyes were visible after. She seemed exhausted.
"Y-Yuno… Hah… She struggled the whole way. You are going to be late for school if you don't leave Miyako behind. I'll make sure she gets there… eventually" Sae stumbled on her words initially out exhaustion, but the pause between "there" and "eventually" was filled with the smashing and crashing of Miya fumbling with her clothes. She was trying to eat a piece of melon bread with her mouth, put her uniform on with her hands and pick her bedsheets up from the floor with her feet. The end result was a laugh from me and a look of despair on Sae's face.
"R-right, but what about you and Hiro? Aren't you going to go to school too?" I asked before Sae gave me a push out of Miya's doorway. She rose her finger and thumb in a V-shape to her chin and gave me her explanation.
"Well, Hiro hasn't been sleeping well, so I'll be taking care for her today. She always takes care of me so I owe her one. Also, the new tenants are moving in tomorrow and the Landlady needs some help preparing the rooms. Lastly, my deadline is coming up and I want to finish before it becomes stressful. Does that answer your question?" Her fingers counted the activities she was participating in. I nodded in response when I turned to hear the clock on Yamabuki's entrance ring out that homeroom was about to start. I was going to be late!
"Oh, and we'll have a celebration in Hiro's room tonight as the last time we four will be together!" Sae called out as I ran towards the school with my bag in hand. I waved my hand in response before beginning a chaotic workout to make it to my class on time.
What I see as a chaotic workout is actually about a 2 minute walk and a 1 minute scramble. Hidamari Apartments is very close to Yamabuki Art School, conveniently. Yet because of my small body it seems so much further away… and it's not because I'm unfit! We did aerobics every morning over the break! We even got Hiro out… sometimes…
The bell rang again and I hadn't made it to class yet. I was going to be late! Late for sure! Late on the first day! Oh this is so embarrassing! Only one more flight of stairs, it should be in the middle room…
I made sure I was going to the right room; we get letters prior to the first day giving us class details. I had to go a floor up from last year, yet I was still in the same number. Lucky!
Reaching the top of the staircase I heard the distinctive noises of my homeroom teacher, Ms Yoshinoya. Squeaking shoes; she must be late too.
Yes!
If I could beat her into the room, then maybe…!
It became a footrace. I, the beaten horse verses the unfit and helpless model of a teacher Ms Yoshinoya. The classroom entrances seemed to stretch further and further away with every step. I could see Yoshinoya getting closer and closer. She was heading for the front door and I the back. If I could just slip in before her…!
The closer we got the faster my heart pounded. I could practically hear and feel it beating in my throat. The race was a dead tie. I didn't even take the time to see where Ms Yoshinoya was and I slid the back door open and stepped inside, panting like a dog.
"Good morning class! I hope you are ready for another fun year watching me model all these nice outfits! I trust you got my 'April blues cheer-up' cards?" Ms Yoshinoya spoke to me with her typical bubbly personality. She flashed a couple of risqué photos of herself to the front row of students, mostly male. They acted awkwardly, as they should. I sighed relief that she didn't punish me and slinked into one of the two spare seats that were next to each other. I assumed the other one was for Miya, since she was also in this class.
My class is lucky that we don't get moved around a lot. Because we are the selective art class, we tend to all stick together. It also seems that we tend to get stuck with the same teachers, a fact I soon found out as Yoshinoya disclosed which teachers will be teaching us what subjects in homeroom. We had her for homeroom and Art again this year.
I started to drift out of listening to her out of sheer exhaustion and hunger. I must have burnt that whole Indian roll on the run over… Luckily Miya's exuberant entrance woke me up before I fell completely out of it.
"Ahoy! I be 'ere capt'n! Don't go flyin' tha' jolly roger 'fore I set sail!" Miya declared her entrance in an unusually pirate-isq manner. Yoshinoya smiled, demonically might it be added, at Miya's arrival.
It is here I knew I was going to go down with Miya's ship.
"Ah, Ms Miyako. You are late! You can join Ms Yuno outside when art class starts! You shouldn't be late on the first day, girls!" Ms Yoshinoya's words were spoken like a saint, yet they held the venom of a snake. I almost welted in tears when I heard her delayed punishment. I thought I had gotten away with it…
"Arr! Put me in the gallows you scallywag! I have nuttin' to do with ye'! Me and me partner be ready for whatever you can shake at us!" Miya continued her pirate persona all the way to the seat next to me, but thankfully she didn't dig her hole deeper. She got a few laughs out of the class; they weren't nervous laughs like the ones Ms Yoshinoya usually got.
Our day then proceeded fairly smoothly. After homeroom finished, we had a whole school assembly and had to listen to the principle rattle away in a manner that was typical of an elderly; incomprehensible. Following that we had usual classes and Miya and I paid our tardiness. Outside of that, the school day went fairly quickly and before I knew it I was already in room 101 having some tea and chatting to a half-functioning Hiro and buggered Sae.
There was a single teacake and a pot of tea on Hiro's tea table. If you didn't know better, you'd think we were social élites. Miya had already devoured most of the cake, much to the chagrin of Sae who tried to shoo her away. She only received comments about her man-hands from Miya when she tried this which only increased her distress more. It was hilarious to watch, though I found myself laughing alone. Hiro barely let out a chuckle at the chaos. Sae noticed Hiro's reaction and looked at me worriedly. Miya was completely oblivious and too busy eating mine and Hiro's portion of the teacake.
I didn't mind. I already had a bit, but Hiro hadn't touched her portion yet. We braced ourselves for the motherly lecture Hiro was about to unleash on Miya…!
"Sorry, but that's all the snacks I've got for today…" Hiro sighed in a downward reflection. She was acting completely out of character; the Hiro I knew was a bubbly, warm and kind-hearted person.
Hiro's room was also out of character. It was usually the cleanest out of us all, tributing to her motherly image. It was still clean, but messy when compared to Hiro's standards. Plastic bags, cooking utensils and used ingredients littered her bench. Yet the food those ingredients made had seemingly disappeared. She wasn't eating them, that's for sure.
My pseudo-mother had a particular hang-up over her weight. She was always trying a new diet to lose weight, but whenever she made some progress she would splurge on treats and put it back on. The Hiro sitting gloomily in her room had lost a fair amount of weight, five kilograms if I had to guess and she wasn't on top of the moon or gorging on the teacake.
She just seemed to me like a shell of the real Hiro. Had so much changed in five days?
For a couple of weeks prior, I hadn't seen Hiro around and about much. I was mostly hanging out with Miyako going to shops and art stalls whilst the Sae and Hiro stayed home. Sae was always in need of time for her novel but I never really found out what Hiro was getting up to. I just assumed she was cooking or looking after Sae. You know, the usual.
But over the last five days, I would only see glimpses of her; when she went between the shop and apartments with large bags of groceries or slipping between her room and Sae's. Hiro's room became off-limits and Sae never really liked company when she was working on her novel. And if we didn't congregate in Hiro's room, we didn't congregate at all. It would be just me and Miya. Sae and Hiro.
That was why today was a celebration; not only would it be the last day when it is just us four together, it was the first time in a while we all would be meeting in Hiro's room. I was ecstatic about it too! I had been down for the while I hadn't been following my routine to a T.
Hiro broke me out of thought with her angelic voice. While I was stuck in my mind, the atmosphere in the room had turned icy. Sae tried to discuss the new tenants to no avail.
"Sae… What are you going to do when you graduate?" Hiro peeped without actually facing any of use. She just looked down into her glass and swirled its contents nervously. Something must be eating at her… This must've been it.
When Hiro asked that question, I immediately developed my own answer to it; "I want to be a painter of all kinds. A painter of all walks of artist life!" I was sure to give them that answer when the time came for my response. I would respond with my life's calling. I could see both Miya and Sae doing the same thing and developing an answer. Luckily Sae was asked first, Miya seemed like her cogs were ticking a little too slow.
"Since I'm already a paid novelist, I thought maybe continuing with that and making drawings and art books, maybe even a comic book based off my ideas and characters! It's so exciting! Oh, and go to university of course!" Sae passionately answered, raising her index finger on the left and placing her right hand on her chest. She seemed to wait for a collective gasp or "Ah, that's cool" from Hiro. She didn't get either. Hiro was oddly quiet. She didn't respond. The air was getting thick, someone had to talk. I might as well tell them what I want to do, just to thin the air...!
"…I see…" It was Hiro. The room's atmosphere didn't improve with her words; it was like she hadn't said anything. The room fell silent again. Miya was still lost in the sea of her thoughts. Some mighty pirate you turn out to be…
I knew I had to say something. On reflection, I should have changed the subject, but at the time I wanted my closest friends to know my newfound dream…!
"I want to be a painter of all kinds! I want to be able to-" I was interrupted by a screaming, distressed voice. There was anger and hate in its tone. It was scary to see such a voice come from such a sweet girl.
"Who asked you! You still have a whole year to think about that stuff, how come you already know what you are going to do!" Hiro boomed. I responded with a mumbled version of this:
"I-it's what my life's calling…"
"Pray tell! How are you going to do that? Just one day, a green pixie is going grant you a magical wish and you'll get the dream job of your choice! That's how it works, right? Right! Because you don't have to plan ahead, all the pieces are going to fall in place? Just like that? Ha! Fat chance! There are so many people better than you at what you love to do and so many people just want to bring you down no matter what! You think you can survive that? Huh!"
Reflecting back on the scenario, this was my first warning sign. If only I saw it as a cry for help and not a personal attack. But in the moment, I was so shocked. I was so far taken back by Hiro's accusations, I…I made the biggest mistake you could make in that scenario –
I left the room.
Miyako followed me shortly after. We didn't speak. Her eyes met mine and she flinched at what she saw. Depression, maybe. We went straight to our rooms; I think she knew there was nothing she could say to bring me out of the abyss I just entered. I just needed time to think things through.
I never heard Sae leave. She must have stayed the night. Her ideals were attacked too; Hiro's eyes of darkness were directed to her as well. It wasn't just me Hiro screamed at but Sae too… She must've tried to calm her down, get to the bottom of her outburst… In true spirit of her inquisitive, novelist nature.
But at that point in time, I didn't care. I probably thought some terrible things about Hiro that I now wish I could erase. But… It's really hard seeing and experiencing someone who you look up to snap and try to shoot down your dreams, unprovoked. It must have been the sudden attack that threw me off the most. Whatever it was, this attack's shockwaves probably led me onto the trail of terrible judgement calls…
Judgement calls that, in hindsight, cost my friends their lives.
"Prologue: Five Stages of Death"
END