Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight. Dialogue from Buffy belongs to Joss.

Gaining Clarity

I stared at the bag in the microwave as it went round and round, swelling as the kernels popped inside. It was easy to get caught it the mundane these days. It provided a welcome distraction from the agony I felt inside. Ever since that day that seemed both long past and just yesterday, time was relative. I found myself having to occupy my mind with anything I could to keep my mind off losing him. How do you forget a person that was such a huge part of your life? I sleepwalked through school thinking about the times we walked to class holding hands. My room at home provided no solace because just about every corner, nook and cranny reminded me of Edward Cullen. Hell, the entire town of Forks reminded me of him. The only place that provided any semblance of respite was in La Push with Jacob.

The thought of Jacob caused a smile to form on my normally pensive face. If Edward Cullen had ripped a hole in my heart, Jacob Black had worked tirelessly to stitch the pieces back together. Spending time with him made me feel almost normal, and I was so lucky to have him as my best friend. My smile broadened thinking of just how good Jake was at distracting me. Even though he was busy with the Pack these days, he was still concerned enough about me to find ways to help fill my idle hours. After our motorcycle idea was scratched, Jake suggested we pass our time with movies. After catching up on what seemed like every movie at the Forks video store, I took to for some television shows on DVD. That's how I discovered Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I had heard about the show, but I had always dismissed the supernatural premise as silly. If only I had known how closely it would parallel my own life, I would have paid closer attention! I had ordered Season 1-3 and had 4-7 coming soon. Charlie was all too happy to fund my habit once he saw how excited I was about this show. I was currently settling in to continue my Season 3 watching with an episode called "Prom Night". I grabbed my popcorn out of the microwave and flopped down on the sofa to lose myself in Sunnydale.

Ironically, watching a show about a human heroine that falls for an immortal vampire, made me feel better. I had enjoyed watching Buffy and Angel fall in love and overcome obstacles to be together. If they could make it, I could have hope for Edward and me. I was thinking about how much Angel kind of reminded me of Edward when they switched to a scene of him and Buffy walking through the sewers.

Buffy: I always say patrol's not complete without a trip to the stinky sewers.
Angel: I'm sure I saw him come down here.
Buffy: Couldn't we just let this be the vamp that got away? We could say he was this big. (Holds hands apart, like a fish story.)

I laughed out loud. The humor was one of the things I adored about this show.

Angel: What can I say? I need closure.
Buffy: You need clothes. You don't have a tux, do you?
Angel: Since when did patrolling go black tie?
Buffy: For the prom, silly.
Angel: We have more important things to think about right now than a dance, Buffy.
Buffy: Sorry, Giles. I'll just be quiet.
Angel: Come on, don't be that way.
A vampire drops from the roof, growling.
Buffy: Not now.
Buffy casually stakes the vampire and turns to Angel.
Buffy: I'm not being that way. Every time I say the word 'prom', you get grouchy.
Angel: I'm sorry. I'm just worried that you're getting too...invested in this whole thing.

A knot formed in my stomach. What was going on?

Buffy: What whole thing? Isn't this the stuff that I'm supposed to get invested in? Going to a formal, graduating, growing up.
Angel: I know.
Buffy: Then what? What's with the dire?
Angel: It's uh, it's nothing.
Buffy: No, you have 'something' face.
Angel: I think we need to talk, but not now and not here.
Buffy: No. No, if you have something to say, then say it. (silence) Angel, drop the cryptic. You're scaring me.
Angel: I've been thinking... about our future. And the more I do, the more I feel like us, you and me being together, is unfair to you.

I sat up straighter on the sofa and leaned forward, my popcorn abandoned and forgotten.

Buffy: Is this about what the Mayor said? Because he was just trying to shake us up.
Angel: He was right.
Buffy: No. No, he wasn't. He's the bad guy.
Angel: You deserve more. You deserve something outside of demons and darkness. You should be with someone who can take you into the light. Someone who can make love to you.
Buffy: I don't care about that.
Angel: You will. And children.
Buffy: Children? Can you say jumping the gun? I kill my goldfish.
Angel: Today. But you have no idea how fast it goes, Buffy. Before you know it, you'll want it all, a normal life.
Buffy: I'll never have a normal life.
Angel: Right, you'll always be a Slayer. But that's all the more reason why you should have a real relationship instead of this, this freak show. (Buffy is stunned.) I didn't mean that.
Buffy: I'm gonna go.
Angel: (grabs her arm) I'm sorry. Buffy, you know how much I love you. It kills me to say this.
Buffy: Then don't. Who are you to tell me what's right for me? You think I haven't thought about this?
Angel: Have you, rationally?
Buffy: No. No, of course not. I'm just some swoony little schoolgirl, right?
Angel: I'm trying to do what's right here, okay? I'm trying to think with my head instead of my heart.
Buffy: Heart? You have a heart? It isn't even beating!
Angel: Don't.
Buffy: Don't what? Don't love you? I'm sorry. You know what? I didn't know that I got a choice in that. I'm never gonna change. I can't change. I want my life to be with you.
Angel: I don't.
Buffy: You don't want to be with me? I can't believe you're breaking up with me.
Angel: It doesn't mean that I don't ...
Buffy: How am I supposed to stay away from you?
Angel: I'm leaving. After the Ascension, after it's finished with the Mayor and Faith. If we survive, I'll go.
Buffy: Where?
Angel: I don't know.
Buffy: Is this really happening?

I reached for the remote and turned off the television, tears streaming down my face. Couldn't Angel see how selfish he was being? All she wanted was to take advantage of the time they had together and he wanted to leave because things were too hard!! What a jerk!!! If Buffy could see past the age differences, the blood drinking, being constantly kept at arm's length, couldn't he at least see their relationship through? She deserves so much better than someone who will just make up his own mind about what's best for her without a second thought to how she feels about it!! How could he just up and leave knowing how much she lov---OMG!! I jumped to my feet. How could I have missed it!! The brooding, the tortured eyes, the over gelled carefully tousled hair!!!! Edward was exactly like that!! Hadn't he cited some of the same reasons for leaving me? I couldn't help but wonder if there was some handbook for vampires "How to Break Up With Your Human Girlfriend in 10 Easy Steps".

I paced back and forth in the living room putting the pieces together in my mind. I had been sitting around for months wondering what I had done to make him stop loving me. It was never me. He was the one who was too afraid.

Too afraid of what he felt for me.

Too afraid he couldn't protect me.

Too afraid of losing control around me.

I sat down heavily on the sofa. Jake had become a wolf and he hadn't left me. As a matter of fact, he was doing extra training with Sam to learn how to further control his inner animal. When I had groused about him being away from me, he'd said "Bells, I'm doing this so I CAN spend more time with you". I closed my eyes and sighed, my thoughts a jumble in my brain. I pulled the old quilt from the back of the couch and tucked it around my legs. I lay back on the plush cushions and for the first time in months. I didn't dream of Edward Cullen.