Numb

I lay there motionless, the blanket I was on offering little comfort from the hard concrete beneath it. I stared down at the brown arm lazily draped across my bare front and willed it to move on its own. I dare not touch him again. Thank God he fell asleep right away; the thought of post coital conversation seemed utterly nauseating at this point. Despite my current feelings of antipathy, I felt no sense of regret in relation to my decision. And that is what it was: a decision. Not an impulse, but a clear and conscious choice that I distinctively made. When the idea first sprang into my head I knew at once I would follow through. I did not delay. I immediately grabbed my keys, ignored Charlie's questioning remarks as to where I was going, climbed into the truck and consciously sped to La Push. I had no idea how I was going to actually do what I was about to do, but I didn't care and my eyes were alight with fierce determination as I pushed the pedal all the way to the floor.

Jacob, as usual, had heard my truck rumbling up to the house and came out from the garage to greet me. When I saw him I felt confidence. He would let my plan happen because he would want it to, and if he didn't, I would make him. He was standing there shirtless. I focused on the thin strap of his boxers poking out of the loose fitting jeans. He really was a very sexy man. I was not particularly concerned about physical appearances at this moment, but I licked my lips as I appraised his hard, flawless body and suddenly experienced an uncontrollable hot rush to my loins.

"Hi Bells." He greeted me in the same easygoing tone as always, and the moment of arousal left as quickly as it came. The familiarity if his greeting was irritating. I said not a word, and dared not look at his face. I walked right past his open arms and into the garage. I'm not sure how that looked to him, but he knew better than to say anything right away, and followed behind me silently. I stopped to lean against his Rabbit, and for a minute I felt uncertainty. It was the first moment sense my decision that Edward had came into my head, and I was marveled by this realization. I waited for the guilt, but it did not come. Edward doesn't care I told myself. I wondered if Alice would see what was about to happen. I hope she tells him.

"Um…Bella?" I was startled when I heard my name, and spun around immediately. Jacob was staring at me with a worried expression. "What's going on?"

I suddenly remembered I had not come up with a way to implement my plan.

Should I explain? No. I didn't want to do that at all. I was just going to go in for the kill.

"Come here" were my only words, I said them low, even, commanding.

He obeyed almost hesitantly, an expression of confusion and curiosity on his face. He stopped right in front of me, and I felt he could sense my motives. I stared him in the eyes for a long moment, and neither of us said a word. I brought my hands up from my body and gently placed my fingertips above his chest. Jacob gasped and I saw him close his eyes and throw his head back as I slowly and gently scraped my nails down his bare chest and stomach. I hooked my fingers underneath the very top of his pants and looked up. He was looking at me with an unmistakable expression of desire.

"Bella" he started, but I was determined not to let him talk. I pulled him to me violently and reached up to grab a handful of his hair and place my chin on one of his broad shoulders.

"I just want you Jacob." I whispered desperately. "Please take me."

He kissed me right away and it was sensual and vicious at the same time; an unformulated yet intricate compilation of lips, teeth and tongue. He picked me up and I hooked my legs around his waist. We continued our violent and bodily kiss as he turned around and moved us toward the dark blanket on the floor. I moved my hands and pulled away only to take off my shirt. He busied himself with pulling the tight jeans off my legs as I did this. Our kisses were strained and desperate as I fumbled with the buttons on his jeans and I felt aggravated and impatient with the pause necessary to remove them. When he kissed me again it was gentler, as if he wanted to slow down and enjoy the moment. That made me angry. Though I knew the passion would be inevitable, I did not want to make love. I wanted to fuck. I wanted to fuck hard and not think about anything. I wanted it to hurt and feel good and be devoid of all emotion. I bit down hard on his shoulder and dug my nails into his back. He moaned and our passion became fierce again.

I am not certain as to how long this all went on for. I'm not sure how many times I got off. I realized later that I did not once think about Edward. I did not once think about Jacob either. I thought about only myself, and how this physical closeness and the feeling of what was inside me numbed all other senses. It was ecstasy, but in a different sort of way. He released and collapsed on top of me, our breathing was staggered and our bodies moist and sticky with sweat.

As I came back down to earth, I remembered exactly who it was on top of me. I did not have a plan for the afterwards, as I had given no though as to how I would feel then. We lay on our backs for a long moment, still panting. Finally, I heard him speak.

"Bella" he gasped "That was…"

"Please don't" I interrupted him "don't ruin it."

"I don't understand."

I could tell by the tone of his voice he was already hurt. I didn't care. I would get up and walk away as soon as I could. He would wake up alone, confused and damaged. I felt no guilt with this knowledge. This was not about him and he did not matter to me. He was merely a pawn in my attempt at instant self gratification and emotional sensory deadness. Jacob could not refuse me, and he would fall for my charade again and again. I was a selfish whore, but I was a shameless selfish whore.

"Later Jacob, lets just relax right now." I tired to keep my voice calm, reassuring and deceptive.

He said nothing else, and had soon fallen asleep on his stomach with an arm across my naked waist. I lay motionless for awhile, staring up at the cracks in the ceiling, trying to feel nonexistent. I waited edgily for the moment I could leave him, and when he finally began to snore lightly I carefully slipped out from underneath his arms. He stirred and a slight groan escaped his lips, but he was soon still again and I silently located my scattered clothing and dressed. I slipped out of the garage and climbed into my truck. I cursed at the loudness as it roared to life and began to recklessly drive away. I drove home in a daze, an overwhelming sense of satisfaction and selfish gratification achieved. The truck must have woken him up, because there was a message from him waiting for me at home. I knew I would not return his call and thought briefly about what that would mean to him. It didn't matter. I would be back tomorrow.

The End