Title: The Hofstadter Domestic Experiment
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory
Characters: The Hofstadters
Author: gyuumajo
Rating: G
Summary: The head of the house reflects on what goes on under his roof and what he couldn't do to change it.
Disclaimer: This is all just my interpretation of what might have happened in the Hofstadter household when they were all still young and living together. Nothing was approved or endorsed by Chuck Lorre Productions, WB or CBS. No profit was made in the conception and delivery of this work of fiction. No Hofstadters were harmed during the making of this piece of crap.
Warning: Draws mainly from episodes S02E15 & S03E11. Un-beta'd so any mistake is my own.
"I want to procreate. Preferably resulting in three children."
His brilliant wife came home one evening and announced her intention without mincing words. He took off the oven mittens and gave her his full attention.
"I want to have three children. Two would be sufficient but three allows for a control."
"Control for what?" he did not like where this was going.
She sighed. "I want to conduct an experiment on the effects of nurturing on physical and intellectual development. So I need three children."
"Beverly, you do know that even if we have three children, there is no way to predict how they will react. Any conclusion you draw can never be definitive. There is no way to reproduce your findings." he sat her down gently by the dining table.
"I have deliberated over this unfortunate inconsistency with human subjects and how that will render my findings inconclusive and I have concluded that although I will not be able to publish my results, I would still like to conduct this experiment."
Please
Her eyes practically screamed. He smiled faintly and nodded, pulling her into a hug. Even if she did not reciprocate, he still loved her and could never refuse her anything. He felt her relax into his embrace and chalked that up as a win.
They had three children—a boy, a girl and another boy—over the next three years to keep their age differences as small as possible.
Their first son, she decided to work him to the bone.
Their daughter, she used as her control.
Their last son, she bestowed all her time and attention to him.
He tried to give all three kids his love equally, hoping his influence will not affect her experiment but as he watch his oldest son scurry about with impossible requests from his mother, he couldn't help but think Leonard drew the short straw somehow.
As it turns out, all three of their children were brilliant as well. While his daughter and youngest son were doing homework way more advance than what kids their age were given, Leonard was busy catering to Beverly's every whim. He would catch Leonard scribbling away under his covers with a torch in one hand. It was little wonder his myopia got so bad so quickly.
Beverly actively encouraged their youngest son to order Leonard around when he turned 5. Their daughter, bless her sensible soul, did not partake in such behavior. He would see her shake her head or roll her eyes when they got older whenever her mother and younger brother boss her older brother around. He would hear her chide her older brother for being such a pushover when she thought they were out of earshot or when she was helping Leonard with dinner preparations. His heart always ached a little when Leonard would laugh and tell his sister not to worry her pretty little head about it, that he's used to it and that it really wasn't as bad as it seems.
Because of Beverly's experiment, his involvement in his children's lives was also subtly affected.
His youngest son had neither need nor want of his affection. Beverly's was more than enough for him.
His daughter appreciated his affection but she did not need it either. If anything, she seemed disappointed in him for allowing such blatant display of favoritism to take place under his watch.
His eldest son was just glad to have someone who cared for him enough to be willing to listen to what he had to say after a tough day in school or at home before bed.
There were many nights he had considered persuading Beverly to put an end to her experiment but he knew he did not hold such powerful sway over his wife. None of those nights came as close to spurring him into action as the afternoon where he came home early to find no sign of anyone at home. When he searched every room to make sure, he came across a curious contraption stashed under Leonard's bed. He didn't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out his eldest son had secretly built a hugging machine.
Oh Leonard...
He didn't know what he could do to help the poor boy without violating the conditions of Beverly's domestic experiment.
Instead, he gave the machine the hug that he should have given his eldest son-experiment be damned.
End.