Author's note: As always I have borrowed Barbara and Tommy from Elizabeth George and the BBC.

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"You should start thinking about remarrying Sir."

Detective Inspector Thomas Lynley stared at his Sergeant, Barbara Havers, wondering what he had said that would have prompted such a statement. What had started as the usual quick bite and a few drinks after work at the local pub had developed into a long sentimental evening talking about a lot of their old cases. Neither of them were exactly sober but nor were they drunk. Over the last few months they had been almost inseparable. They were comfortable and so Tommy thought her question was very strange. "Why?"

"Well it's been over a year since Helen died and you're not getting any younger and the Asherton dynasty needs an heir. I think it is time you started to think about it, is all."

"I am not part of a 'dynasty' Havers," he admonished. Bloody woman and her class war!

"No? Well what do you call it then?"

"I think it might be time we call it a night." Tommy had no interest in arguing with Barbara. She would never accept that his wealth and title and upbringing were part of him but by no means the biggest part of him.

"No, sorry Sir, don't leave yet," she said contritely, "I wasn't trying to be offensive, really. But you are Lord Asherton and the family does expect an heir."

"The family has an heir. If I die the title and estate goes to Peter and then his sons and if he fails to have any sons then it reverts to Judith's son. So I am not about to marry just to breed like some prize bull! Anyway what brought this up?" Tommy had enjoyed the evening and was irritated by the way the conversation was heading. It was fortunate that they were at a table by the window, well away from most of the other patrons.

"I just think it is time for you to start living a bit more instead of spending most nights eating dinner in a cheap pub with me."

"What's wrong with the pub?" Tommy retorted, "It has good beer and whiskey, you like the chips because they are not soggy and eating together is a lot better than eating alone."

"That's my point," she argued, "you shouldn't be alone. You should be finding someone you can go home to each night, someone you love, someone you can talk to, someone who can give you a family and a future."

"That's very poetic Barbara but my success rate with relationships is not exactly stellar and most women I meet can't see beyond the title and the money. I don't want a trophy wife. I've been through too much to settle for that type of empty existence."

"I never thought I'd say this but not all of your lot are empty-headed fools in search of a title. Look at Helen and Deborah, they weren't like that."

"And neither of them wanted me."

"Helen did."

"Did she?"

"Of course she did! She came back to you didn't she? You were happy remember."

"I was happy she came back because I didn't feel such a failure; and yes, I suppose we were happy in a way. But would it have lasted? I don't really think it would have Barbara." Tommy took another swig of his beer and then examined the glass in immense detail. "I think Helen wanted children and it was much easier to come back to me than find someone else. I worry that we would have drifted into a marriage of convenience and I would have ended up like so many others I know, working impossibly long hours or escaping each evening to the gentleman's club or having an affair. I would have hated myself if that happened. There was always something missing but I could never figure out what until after she died."

Barbara waited for him to continue but when the silence became awkward she asked softly, "What was missing?"

"We weren't really in love with each other. We were friends trying to be lovers. I was jealous of her and Rhys and I thought that meant I wanted her. I really wanted what she had, a relationship. But we didn't make each other whole. I could never really give myself fully to her and she knew it and somewhere along the way because we couldn't face up to that, we lost being friends as well. It's hard to explain." Tommy drained his glass.

"But I saw you; you were devastated after she died. You disappeared into yourself so far I thought we had lost you too."

"I certainly felt sorry for myself but mainly from guilt because I couldn't feel what I should have felt. I had never felt what I was supposed to feel. I had already used work as an excuse not to be around before the baby and that would have happened again. I was trying so hard when she came back to feel it and sometimes I thought I did but in reality I knew I didn't. I was mourning the loss of my best friend and not my wife." Tommy looked at Barbara and saw the pain in her eyes when he called Helen his best friend. Well she was my best friend for many years but what exactly does that make you? The thought troubled Tommy. He had no ready way to classify Barbara. She was his partner at work and his friend, his only real friend. She was the one he always relied on and turned to and could count on to be there no matter what. She challenged him; annoyed him; supported him; argued with him; and defended him but he doubted he could face life if she was not there. Theirs was an unfathomable and complex relationship.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"Don't be, it wasn't your fault. Anyway I think it is about time we went home. I'd offer to drive you but I think we might have had a bit too much. We had better take cabs tonight."

"One more for the road?" Barbara asked.

Tommy sensed Barbara wanted to end the night on a more positive note. "If you are buying."

Barbara returned with two more pints and they drank the first few sips in silence before he said, ""I am happy though Barbara. I'm not hiding here. I actually like working with you or drinking with you because I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not. I can be grumpy, morose, excited or whatever mood I am in for the day and you do and say whatever is appropriate to keep me grounded. It works Barbara. Well it works for me anyway. It stops me being lonely. I don't need anything else."

Barbara looked at him and smiled but as he spoke Tommy realised that everything he had said was all about his needs. He had not even considered that Barbara might only be here because she felt it was her responsibility to look after him. "But what about you Barbara; am I stopping you from doing things you want to do? I want you to be happy too and I don't want your feeling sorry for me stopping you from being happy."

"I don't feel sorry for you and I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be. My life is not exactly brimming over with friends and social activities is it? Like you said it is much better than eating alone. But think about it Sir; what I said."

"I will but only if you promise not to keep selling yourself short. Underneath that façade of yours you are a lovely person who deserves happiness too." Barbara looked embarrassed and Tommy had to resist his urge to hug her.

They finished their pints and Tommy gave Barbara the first cab. He watched it drive away and felt instantly desolate. Restless and still disturbed by their conversation he decided to walk the couple of miles to his house. She had an unnerving habit of making him so comfortable he told her things he didn't even tell himself! He knew Barbara was probably right. He was lonely but his work filled the space. He liked the challenge and being instrumental in making the world more just. He liked the people in his team and the sense of camaraderie. He was trying hard to convince himself it was the whole team of the Met that made his job worthwhile but his thoughts kept coming back to Barbara. He would probably hate the job now if she was not there. It was their teamwork and the way they bounced ideas off each other and solved problems together that made work enjoyable. It was his relationship with Barbara that was central to his stability. It gave him purpose. She made him feel whole.

Hours later as sleep eluded him Tommy was still thinking about Barbara. The realisation that she made him feel whole troubled him. That was exactly what he had told her Helen had never done. The same question kept going around and around in his head. Am I in love with Barbara? He thought of all the reasons why he could not possibly be in love with her but not once did their class difference figure in his thoughts. He could admit he loved her but as he knew from his marriage that was not enough. Do I love her like I love Judith? Like a sister? Yes that must be it! I feel like she is family. He did feel that she was family but recognised that he did not need his sister every day the same way he needed Barbara. He did not notice his sister's physique the same way he noticed Barbara's, especially since she had started dressing to accentuate her femininity rather than hide it.

His thoughts had strayed that way before over the years but Tommy had always cut them off telling himself it was not professional to think of his partner or his friend that way and that he was just lonely. Now as he was alone in his bed Tommy explored his feelings and found that thinking about Barbara aroused him. He did not know whether to feel embarrassed, excited or ashamed. He tossed and turned trying to get the images and desires out of his head but the harder he tried the more real they became to him.

By two o'clock he could stand it no longer and took a long shower to clear his head. He had known for a very long time that he loved Barbara but now that he could admit he also desired her did that mean he was in love with her? His feelings for her were very different to those he had had for Deborah, his first love, but she had found him too clinging and unrealistic and had accused him of being in love with love and not with her. He had been obsessed by her and thoughts of her had filled his every waking hour. He had not felt the same heady passion for Helen and his thoughts had not revolved around her. His bond with Barbara was far stronger and he knew his whole existence was built around her. He did not have to prove his love and try to win her as he had with Deborah. Barbara would always be there and unlike Helen expect no more than he was capable of giving. There were many things she had done, looks she had given and words she had spoken that could be read either way. I know she loves me as a friend but is she in love with me?

He knew he was mad but he had to know. With his car at the station Tommy called a cab.

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It took several knocks before Barbara answered the door. "Sir! What time is it?"

"About three o'clock Barbara. I'm sorry to have to wake you."

"Nah, it's okay. Come in." She stepped back and allowed him to enter her flat. "I must have been dead to the world and didn't hear the phone go off. It will only take me five minutes to change. Where's the crime scene?"

"What crime scene?" Tommy was genuinely puzzled.

"The crime scene for the crime that has brought you over here at this hour!"

Tommy understood now; Barbara thought he was here for work. "Er no sorry Barbara; there is no crime scene, I just had to talk to you."

She stopped rubbing her eyes with her hands and stared at him. "About something so important that it couldn't wait for another three or four hours?"

"Yes."

Barbara sighed and shook her head seemingly in resignation that she was unlikely to get any more sleep. "Well sit down then," she said "do you prefer coffee, tea or whiskey?"

"The great British tradition eh? Always have a beverage in hand if you are going to talk about something serious."

"Look Sir, you arrive here in the middle of the night to talk." For the last word she raised her hands and used her fingers to gesture inverted commas. "I am trying to be polite but you are not making it easy for me to be hospitable."

"I know; I'm sorry. A whiskey would be nice."

Barbara pulled a bottle from her cupboard and poured him a drink. "Well?" she asked as she handed it to him then filled a glass of water from the tap, "What do you want to talk about?"

Tommy watched her carefully as she sat on the sofa. He sat in the chair opposite to face her. He could see she was not overly angry with him for waking her and she was trying hard to appear unconcerned but he knew that look, and could tell Barbara was worried about him. "I'm okay," he said trying to reassure her, "I just needed to know what you think about me."

"You what?" Barbara stared uncomprehendingly at him. "At the moment Sir I think you are certifiably insane but I presume this conversation has a point, somewhere."

"Why do you stick by me?"

Barbara took her time to answer and appeared to be scrutinising him to understand what lay behind his question. "Like we said earlier tonight we have been partners a long time and have been through a lot together. Both of us are stubborn and opinionated and not easy people for others to handle but it works for us, somehow. I couldn't imagine working for another DI now."

"Do you love me?" The question surprised even Tommy and he wondered how to change tack before she exploded.

"What sort of question is that?" Barbara was shocked but calm.

"An honest one and one I need to know the answer to?"

Barbara sighed and stared into Tommy's eyes. He felt as if she was examining his soul. Her tone was unnervingly even but reluctant as she answered, "You talked tonight about loving Helen as a friend. You are my closest friend, the best friend I have ever had, probably the only friend I have ever had, so yes, I do love you but you've known that for years. And I don't think I'm wrong in assuming you feel the same way, am I?"

Tommy shook his head. "No, you are not wrong."

"So why are you here questioning it at three in the morning?"

"Because you talked about me remarrying."

"Yeah, I think you should, but why would that make you question how I feel about you?"

"Because you want me to find someone else." His voice was soft and hollow.

"I want you to find someone so you can be happy. It's not an 'else' thing, we will still be partners. Same as with Helen, it didn't change our relationship."

"No it didn't and I think that's the problem."

Barbara was confused and tucked her bottom lip under her front teeth in contemplation. "I don't follow Sir." Tommy did not answer her and Barbara's face went white. When she spoke her voice was full of sadness. "You blame me for Helen don't you?"

"No! Why would I blame you?"

"You think I pushed you into it. All those conversations we had when you were trying to work out what was happening between you; you think I convinced you it was love."

"I didn't know what love was Barbara. You were being my friend; my long-suffering, ever-loyal friend. What I really wondered was if you might be in love with me?" Tommy had said it in a way that he thought sounded hopeful, indicating that he wanted her to feel that way.

He could see the tears welling in her eyes and she was starting to shake. "I think you should leave."

"No, I won't leave," Tommy replied, panicked. He had not expected her to look so vulnerable. "Not until you understand that I'm sorry and did not mean any offence."

"How could you not mean any offence?" She stood and walked back towards her kitchen.

Her calmness frightened Tommy. He would be able to cope much better if she just started yelling at him. He was distraught by how much he had hurt her. He knew beyond doubt that he was in love with her and he had just assumed that her feelings were identical. He worried that he had misread her and that her feelings were only the love of friendship. He was her dearest friend and by assuming her feelings were romantic he worried that in her eyes he had cheapened what they shared. He stood and tried to embrace her but even through the tears her eyes seared into him and he stepped away. "Because I was hoping you were in love with me as much as I am in love with you!"

"And when did you decide you were in love with me?" she demanded coldly.

"Tonight."

"You don't suddenly decide you are in love with someone Sir, it creeps up on you and overwhelms you. It is not something you sit down and think about." She sounded angry now.

Tommy was now annoyed that she had dismissed his feelings so quickly. "And you know this how? From your experiences with the dating service?"

"Leave, before you do any more damage." Barbara turned away from him and he knew she was trying hard not to cry. His words had been cruel and he did not know why he had suddenly wanted to hurt her. She was talking about her own experience and he knew from the way she had said it she was referring to him. He wanted her to understand it was real for him too.

"Barbara, I'm sorry. That was hurtful and unnecessary."

She did not turn. "Just go Sir," she roared.

"No!" Tommy shouted back before saying more calmly, "You are right. It does sneak up on you and overtake you but I was so blindly chasing the ideal I thought love should be that I completely missed the real thing. Just because I am stupid does not mean I don't you love or that we don't deserve to be happy now."

"You won't find happiness with me." Her voice was hoarse and shaky. "I am not in love with you."

"Aren't you?"

"No. Now leave…please."

She still was not facing him and Tommy did not believe her. "Look me in the eye and tell me that."

Barbara spun around savagely and locked eyes with him. Tears stained her flushed face and her look of pain would haunt Tommy forever. "I am not in love with you Sir. We were never destined to be lovers. Just go home and forget about tonight and hopefully in a few days everything will be normal again. I want it to be normal, I really do."

Tommy went to speak but no words came. Barbara's eyes told him that she was telling him the truth and he felt foolish. "I'm so sorry Barbara. I have been a fool. Please forgive me." He turned and walked to the door. He paused hoping she would call him back but she said nothing so he let himself out without looking back. Nothing in his past matched the pain he felt now. He intended to send his resignation to Hillier and then get drunk; very, very drunk.

With the click of the door latching closed Barbara sagged to the floor against her kitchen bench and allowed the tears to flow. "Oh Tommy…Tommy."