How Can You Love Me?
Rating: M for language
Summary: What if Rick and Shane's conversation in the opening scene of "18 Miles Out* had gone a little differently? Rick/Shane, AU, Angst, Same-Sex Pairing, Slash.
The sun beats down on the two men. It's sweltering hot but the air is dry. Rick feels as though the sun might cook his brain but he continues his exchange with his best friend. He needs to clear things up between them before they take Randall out any further. -
"I heard what really happened at the school. Was it to survive?"
Shane lets out a sigh,,"Yeah."
"Are you gonna tell me what happened?
Shane looks down at the ground as he answers, "I had to do it. For you man." He looks back up into Rick's face, afraid of what his best friend will think of his confession. "Rick you don't understand I had walkers comin' at me and they just wouldn't let up. There was no stopping them. It was one shot man. One shot to save Carl's life…. and save you. I knew it would have killed you if you lost Carl. I know you Rick. So I did what I had to do."
Rick looks at Shane almost in disbelief. A feeling of overwhelming closeness with Shane suddenly comes over him at the realization that his best friend killed a man for him. He fights the urge to run over and hug him. Shane looks down at the ground again. He can't bear to look into Rick's blue eyes. Those damn blue eyes. Rick walks closer to Shane till the two men are face to face. Rick needs to know one more thing. He needs to hear it from Shane. "Shane, look at me."
Shane keeps his head halfway down as he looks at Rick. "You and Lori?" Rick says looking directly into Shane's eyes as he continues, "I get what happened…Shit Shane all those talks we had in the woods at the Atlanta camp. You could have told me then. That time you told me you took care of them like they were your own. You should have told me then," Shane looks at Rick and he remains silent, "Why didn't you tell me?"
Shane feels like a cork in a bottle that's about to pop. Years of emotion for his best friend are brewing inside of him but he keeps it hidden. So many things left unsaid and undone between them.
"I didn't tell you because I didn't wanna start a fight with you."
"No Shane. It's not like that. Don't you think that's something I should know?"
"Rick you have to understand I only slept with Lori because I thought you were dead. We both thought you were dead. Brother if I could take it all back I would. I didn't tell you because I was scared. I was afraid of this. Of exactly this." He says pointing into the air at nothing.
"Then you don't know me very well. Shit Shane don't you understand? I'm not mad because you slept with Lori. I get that. I'm mad because you didn't tell me. And now I find out you killed Otis and you never told me. And that you," Rick's eyes start to well up, "That you did it for me? Shane you should know by now you can tell me anything." Rick looks at Shane with all the pain of a friend hurt. A friend disappointed and heartbroken.
"I know you Rick. But I was still afraid." He looks into Rick's blue eyes, "I was afraid of losing you."
"So you don't love Lori?"
"I don't love her Rick. I took care of her for you…it's you that I love man, you're my best friend. I only slept with her to keep you close. I thought I lost you man."
Rick throws his arms up in the air and brings them back down at his sides He shakes his head back and forth, "You see Shane, that's why I can never stay mad at you because I love you too." Rick walks towards his friend and gives Shane the biggest, tightest hug he's ever felt. Shane starts to sob into Rick's shoulder.
"Rick, I'm a murderer," He says as the tears start to flow freely, "How can you love me?" He says softly, his voice almost a whisper. He pulls away from Rick and wipes his tears on his sweaty, bare forearm.
Rick reaches out and clasps his hand behind Shane's neck. He moves his hand down massaging Shane's shoulder. "Don't be like that Shane. Now what would I have done without you buddy?" He says as he gently shakes his friend. "I'm not mad about Otis. I know why you did it. You made a choice. And I'm not mad about Lori. Shit if you had a wife and I thought you were dead I probably woulda done it too." Both men laugh breaking the tension for a moment.
"Now don't you feel guilty about anything anymore okay? I forgive you."
Shane looks down at the ground and nods, "I'm sorry I disappointed you." He says.
"No, it's me who's been disappointing. You killed a man to keep my son alive. Christ I owe you Carl's life. All I've been thinking about is myself. But not anymore Shane, I promise you. I've been so stupid."
Shane looks up at his best friend in silence. He feels as if he's being healed as he hears the comforting words of appreciation. Somehow all the torment he's been feeling melts away and his eyes soften. "Rick, I don't wanna lose you ever again."
"Shane, I think we're gonna keep each other alive for a long time." Rick says as he pulls Shane in close and gives him one last hug before they leave.