Was it just a coincidence, Jude wondered, that Connor's foot was pressed against his own under the table?
And why had Mr Stevens even let Connor sleep over tonight? Was it because he was desperate for somewhere his son could stay? Or, Jude thought, a sinking feeling in his stomach, because he had a girlfriend now. Because he had "proved" he was straight.
Uneasy, Jude moved his foot away from Connor's.
Brandon and the moms were discussing summer plans, something about touring with Someone's Little Sister. Mariana argued that in that case, it was only fair that she could use the garage - the band's usual rehearsal space - to practice with her dance team. Jude would have liked to chime in, say he wanted to spend the summer swimming and visiting his dad, but his mouth was dry. Suddenly, his plate on the table in front of him was immensely fascinating. It was smooth and white, with little blue flowers dancing around the edge. You could barely see them if you weren't trying.
"Okay, Jude?" Callie asked.
His head shot up. "Uh - yeah, fine. Good. Connor, c'mon, we have homework." Without waiting for his friend, Jude pushed his chair back and headed upstairs.
"What was that about? Downstairs?" Connor looked up from his textbook, eyes settling on Jude.
The two boys were sitting in Jude's bedroom, Jude on his bed and Connor in the desk chair. The door was closed. Jude thought of his moms' rule - the door had to be open if he was with a girl. But he wasn't, so it was okay, right? Because he and Connor were just... friends.
"Jude? You okay?"
Jude sighed and put down his pencil. "Why does everyone keep asking me that?"
"I don't know, man, maybe because you've barely talked since we got here after school."
When Jude didn't reply, Connor pressed on. "Are you still mad at me? Because I called you a bitch? Because I'm so sorry, Jude. I didn't mean it."
"No, it's okay."
"What is it, then?"
"I'm just - worried about Callie's adoption," Jude lied, and then immediately felt bad. Not because he was lying, but because he wasn't worried about Callie. He was too busy thinking about his own, stupid problems to care. Silently, he made a vow to not overthink his relationship with Connor for the rest of the night.
"Yeah. It's just Callie," he confirmed. "But I promise not to think about her anymore."
Connor wheeled his chair closer to the bed and grabbed Jude's hand, sending shivers up his spine. Stop it, he told himself.
Connor spoke softly, his hazel eyes wide with concern. "You don't have to. I know how hard this is for you."
"No," Jude protested, "it's fine. I don't want to anyway." His face lit up. "But I just got a new video game. Bet you can't beat me!"
Connor laughed, letting go of his friend's hand. "What about our homework?"
A few hours later, the two boys sat on the couch, controllers in hand, their work laid forgotten on the floor. Though the sofa was big enough for a handful of people, their shoulders were pressed firmly together; Connor's muscled and taller, Jude's skinny and small.
Connor seemed distracted tonight - Jude had even won a couple games. "Hey, looks like you're getting better at this, buddy," he chuckled, playfully hitting Jude's thigh.
But he didn't move his hand away.
"Uh - I guess," Jude replied hastily. He glanced at the clock, shocked to see how late it was. "We should get to bed, Con. You're meeting Daria tomorrow morning, aren't you?" The idea stung, but Jude didn't let on.
"Yup," Connor jumped up without hesitating. Jude's arm was suddenly exposed to the cold air, and he shivered without the other boy's presence. But he got up anyway and followed Connor to his room.
"So if you want to change in here, I'll change in the bathroom," his friend was saying now.
"What? I mean, yeah. That's cool." Jude ripped himself away from his thoughts and laughed. "If you can get Mariana out of there, anyway."
Connor grinned and left the room, and Jude went to his dresser to find himself some pyjamas. A few minutes later there was a knock at the door.
"Just a sec," he shouted, pulling a shirt over his head. "Okay, you can come in now."
The door opened and Connor's face appeared, followed by the rest of him, dressed in blue pyjama pants and a T-shirt. He saw Jude and laughed. "Are those dinosaurs?"
Jude looked down at his own pants, which were indeed printed with little stegosauruses. "Yeah, so what?" he said, a little defensively.
"Aren't you a little old for that?"
"I don't have a lot of things, Connor." Jude's voice was more hostile than he'd intended. "When you move around all the time, you don't get much to yourself. For the record, I got these when I was eight."
Connor did notice the pant legs were a little short. Immediately he felt bad. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean..." He trailed off. "Anyway, I think you look cute."
Jude's stomach flipped. Had he really just said that?
"You do?"
"Sure. So I brought a sleeping bag," Connor changed the subject. "I'm cool with sleeping on the floor."
"No! It's okay," Jude replied quickly. "You take the bed. I'll take the floor."
Connor was skeptical. "Are you sure?"
Jude shrugged and averted his eyes. "Yep. I've slept on a lot of floors."
"Aw, Jude." The idea of this upset Connor note that he thought it would. "Come here. The bed's big enough to share."
Jude shrugged again, but reluctantly climbed into the bed next to his friend. He lay on his back and closed his eyes. In that moment, Connor was aware of how small he was. He hardly took up any space at all.
Eventually, Jude opened his eyes again, sitting up to reach over and turn off the light. When he lay back down, he was on his side, facing away from Connor. "Night, Con," he said quietly.
They were silent for a few minutes. Softly, Jude could feel the other boy's fingers tracing circles on his back. He turned around to face him, suddenly angry.
"What are you doing, Connor?"
His friend pulled back like a kicked puppy.
"What are you doing?" Jude repeated, quieter this time. "We can't go on like this. It isn't fair."
"Isn't fair to who, Jude? As far as I know, this" - he gestured to the air - "doesn't concern anyone but us. If even that," he muttered.
"What does that mean? Of course it concerns us. It is us."
"No it isn't. It isn't anything. Every time I try to get close to you, Jude, you push me away. I'm only trying to be your friend. Why is that so hard for you?"
"Only... only my friend." Jude's voice fell flat. Before he could stop them, tears burned in his eyes. He knew he had a crush on Connor, but he never thought he'd be rejected like this. Stupid. Of course Connor wouldn't like him back - he could have any girl he wanted. It wouldn't make any sense.
Connor sighed. "Jude, that's not what I meant. Jude..."
He took a shaky breath. "I like you, Jude. I really do. You're the best friend I've ever had."
Jude sniffled. Connor went on. "But it's not the same with you. You're not like all my other friends. You're not a friend to me, Jude. You're different."
The tears were streaming down Jude's face now. "I don't know, Con. I just... don't know."
There was a second of hesitation. Then, Connor's lips were on his, full and soft and warm. It felt good. Was this what Connor wanted? What Jude wanted?
It was all too much. Suddenly Jude couldn't breathe. He pulled away. Turned over. Closed his eyes, frustrated. "Good night, Connor."
They were both quiet for a minute.
"Do you like me?" Connor whispered finally.
Jude rolled back on to his side, turning to face the boy next to him. "You're my friend, Connor, so I like you. Yes."
Connor reached toward his best friend, ran a single finger over his cheekbone. "Not the same, Judicorn."
Jude laughed a little. "Only Mariana's allowed to call me that."
"So what should I call you instead?" Connor teased. His palm now rested on Jude's neck, thumb caressing his cheek.
"Jude," he replied, confident as ever. "Just Jude."
A/N: Just a fluffy oneshot for you guys. Make sure to leave a review if you enjoyed it!