Author's Note: I don't own Blindspot or these characters. Trust me, if I did, Allie wouldn't be pregnant and Jane would be happy. The show would probably suck though, so I'll stick with writing fic.
Love doesn't prevent hurt; it makes it all the more painful.
Jane stared up at Weller's building. It seemed bigger now, somehow. The last time she'd been there was six months ago, game night with Kurt and Sawyer. She remembered how conflicted she had felt that day, dealing with Oscar and the mission. But now she knew how simple it had been, how easy it was. She had been happy, especially that night. She had felt like she belonged. And then days later, her life fell apart.
She shouldn't be here tonight. Kurt didn't want her here. She could tell. Everyone knew. Patterson had started talking about the cake, and instantly she felt people tense up, noticing how they looked away, fidgeting, trying to silence Patterson. Weller had started mumbling about a small party, how Allie was the one that wanted it, but she could tell. It was one excuse after another. He didn't care about how many people were there, just about the one person that wasn't there.
Despite his words this evening, they had all made their point clear. Jane was not welcome anymore. The betrayal was too deep, the pain too real, and there was no forgiving her. Her only value was to infiltrate Sandstorm. Once this mission was over, once Roman and Shepherd were in custody, she would be on her own. She had meant what she had said on the pier. She had no one. She was alone in this world – no family, no friends, no one that cared. No one that would miss her. Just like before. Except this time, the pain of loss and rejection was tangible. She knew who she was, what she had, and she knew just how much she had lost.
"Jane?" Reade's voice interrupted her thoughts.
She turned quickly, feeling caught. She quickly reminded herself that, despite her feelings about tonight, she had been invited. "Hey," she replied awkwardly, stumbling over the word.
"You coming?" his eyes narrowed as he watched her, suspicious. He gestured towards the door, only a few feet away.
Jane shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. "Yeah, heading up now. I just, needed a moment."
The silence was deafening as they rode up the elevator together. The evening hadn't even started yet, and already Jane was feeling like she had made a mistake in coming.
Patterson and Borden were the only people who acknowledged her when she arrived. Patterson gave her a small hug, trying once again to apologize about this morning, before rushing off into the kitchen for final preparations. Reade barely looked her way after they came inside. As for Nas, well, Jane was used to getting the cold shoulder from her. Weller and Allie were walking around, greeting the other guests who were mostly strangers to Jane.
Jane stood near the wall, watching everything that was going on. Why had she even come tonight? They had been making strides these past few weeks. He was no longer openly hostile to her, and maybe he really did mean what he said about how he would miss her. He wanted her there because he thought of her as a friend. And no matter how painful tonight was for her, she wanted to be there for him. He deserved that much.
She thought back to all he had done for her in the months since they had met. How even in those first moments, he had treated her with kindness. He had reached out, given her hope when she had none. When she had felt so scared and alone, he was she turned to. He was the first person she had trusted, and even still, the only one she trusted implicitly.
At one point, she had thought that maybe she was the only person to know that side of him – the only one that knew his smile that could light up a room, the only one that he would do anything to protect, the one he wanted by his side. But now she realized how naive she had been. She was just a coworker – not even that, just an asset. Allie had been his girlfriend. They'd been together for over a year. Maybe at one point Jane could have believed Kurt did treat her differently, special even. But it was nothing compared to his relationship with Allie.
Jane looked around at all the other guests. Most had broken off into little cliques, friends finding friends, eating, drinking, laughing, and telling stories. Patterson and Borden were in the kitchen, she could hear Patterson's bubbly voice from across the room. Tasha had just arrived, and Reade had rushed over, greeting her at the door. Her eyes lingered on Kurt. He was smiling, pouring drinks for people. Allie laughed at something he had said, her hand gently resting on his arm.
"So how do you know Kurt and Allie?" an overly cheerful woman asked, sliding beside her.
"I work with Kurt," Jane answered, not even bothering to look in the woman's direction.
"Oh, so you must be an agent also. That's so cool. I knew Allie from college. I remember when she first met Kurt. I still can't believe their having a baby together."
"Yeah," Jane sighed, walking off, without another word. She knew it was rude, that she should try and talk with these people, and that maybe she could actually enjoy the evening if she tried. But her heart wasn't in it.
"Okay guys, time for cake. Everyone ready? Allie? Weller?" Patterson called out, peeking out of the kitchen.
"Wait! Kurt's not here. He spilled a drink on his shirt." Allie answered, rolling her eyes.
Patterson let out a strained breath. "Weller, time for cake!" she called out towards the bathroom. She smiled as she caught Jane's eye from across the room, and Jane forced herself to smile back.
Jane's heart dropped as she watched Weller come out of the bathroom, followed by Nas. Kurt had a smile on his face, the smile that he used to give her. She swallowed the lump in her throat, willing herself not to cry.
The next moments were a blur, as Kurt and Allie cut the cake and the bright pink announced it was a girl. Jane could barely hold back tears, seeing Kurt's happiness as he hugged Allie. She half-heartedly raised her glass, toasting the new family. That is what they were now, a family. Allie and Kurt would always be tied together with this little girl.
She couldn't help the jealously that snuck in her thoughts, the pain still raw. She had meant what she had said back then. He would be a great dad. He was strong, kind, loving, stable and happy. He represented everything family was supposed to be. Months ago, she had thought it could have been her up there with Kurt, surrounded by friends as they started their family together. Even now, she realized, she had still been holding out hope that it was possible. That somehow they could move past this. But that had all come crashing down, that fateful night four months ago. Now even her dreams were turning into nightmares.
Jane glanced at the clock; time had seemingly slowed since she'd arrived. Had it really only been ten minutes since they'd cut the cake? She didn't know how much more of this she could take. It wasn't as if she had anything waiting for her at home. She'd likely spend the night staring at her bedroom walls, unwilling to fall asleep. But even those painful nightmares that awaited her seemed better than this, the awful reality of rejection that was surrounding her.
She walked over to where Kurt and Allie were talking, laughing with their friends. She saw how Kurt gently rested his hand on Allie's stomach, his smile lighting up the room. Jane closed her eyes, her own stomach twisting into knots.
Moments later, there was a break in the conversation, and Jane took a deep breath, trying to control her emotions for a minute longer. "Kurt, um, I'm heading out. Congrats," she gave a weak smile. "You too, Allie. You'll be a great mom."
Jane fought back tears as she walked out of the apartment, the happy voices and cheers slowly fading behind her. She knew she could never go back; never regain everything she had lost. It was never really hers to begin with.
Two weeks ago, I went to a friend's baby shower and was miserable the whole time. Terp4Life tried to cheer me up by reminding me it can become great fic inspiration. I just didn't except it to come in handy so soon.
As always, this is me begging for reviews.