Sengoku ED
No not just any warring states Japan. I'm talking Rance JAPAN. The Eds, as these stories usually begin, wind up in Rance's world through some sort of obscure plot device. Now the Eds team up with Rance to conquer all of Japan. Mature themes, most of it implied. Naughty scenes skipped, though implied. I do not claim to own any of this so no copyright infringement claims please.
Prologue
"You said this class was an easy 'A' Double D." grumbled a short boy in his yellow shirt and complimenting jeans. He tossed another book aside to his towering companions, who giggled as it ricocheted off his head.
"Well it is, all it is just memorization." Edd replied. At another bookshelf the boy browsed a column, reciting the titles in his mind. His hand retracted and sighed as he noticed all the build up of dust on his finger. He looked for a place to wipe his finger clean, and disdainfully resigned to smear it at the bottom of his red sweatshirt, clearly despising every moment of it.
"I hate memorizing."
"Well every class requires you to do SOMETHING Eddy. If there was a class that graded you by loafing about and playing video games, I would have recommended it already. But seeing as there isn't this is the next best thing." Edd finally was satisfied on a book and withdrew it carefully from the row. He pushed his drooping black hat out of his eyes and lightly blew off any residue dust, more as show than there being any actual dust.
"Here we are this should give us all the information we need for the project." Edd concluded. Eddy stared at the cover that was nothing but red leather save for the black words 'Romantic Conflicts of Asia: Three Kingdoms, and the Warring States', and sighed. "Great I'll get right to being bored."
Their tall friend who until now had been content with poking his belly button returned to reality, not for an insightful comment but to remind his friends he was still breathing. "My skull makes a good brain warmer.", He then returned to his belly button, holding his striped red shirt between his neck and nonexistent chin.
"And it hurts me like crazy when I sock you Ed. But it'll be worth it." Eddy growled balling a fist. Ed paid no heed, simply rummaged through the pockets of his green jacket for some unknown item.
"Now now Eddy, please control your temper. East History is supposed to be an easy class. We'll be out of here soon enough."
"We better be, this is the last place I wanna be on a day like today." Eddy waved his hand for dramatics.
Unbeknownst to them another person was watching them. He was of medium height, wearing a bland shirt and pants that did not attract the eye, if anything he could make himself invisible completely if not for the wolfish grin spread across his face. He reached into his pocket to check if it was there. It was. Good. Would have looked rather silly otherwise.
In a flash he jumped over the tables in a loud crash, all eyes on him now. With a cry of "PLOT DEVICE!" he landed feet first right in front of the Eds, withdrew the object from his pocket, and a bright flash later, the Eds we're gone. "Aren't I just gruesome?" he joked to himself. Everyone was dumbstruck by what the just saw, for good reason. The boy realized suddenly he had a larger audience than he wanted and pointed the object at himself. "AWAY!" he shouted and another flash filled the room. The fourth boy was also gone.
1
Well things we're odd enough. Strangely though I feel as though this has happened to us hundreds of times, though I'm not sure why…I cannot say what happened after that light because according to Eddy I was unconscious for the most part, three weeks according to him. And was he ecstatic when I finally woke up. Apparently we we're in a bad way. I'm not sure where we are, according to our 'benefactors' someplace called Zeth. By some sort of bridge, no one's making sense. And even stranger was that no one heard of Peach Creek, or phones, or GPS, or anything! What's worse is that we we're held hostage! Apparently by our clothes these vagabonds thought us to be some sort of royalty and we're holding us ransom! Of all things! They held us for another week before deciding to bring us out and hold us in front of a live audience as they called it. But just as they threw us onto some dirt path, another odd fellow appeared. A brash, outspoken man, with a sword that…talked, I know I thought I was hallucinating, but a slap later and it was still talking. The bandits swarmed over him and I closed my eyes. It took less then a minute and all the bandits we're dead! Needless to say we we're stunned. I tried to thank him; well all did for rescuing us and if he could help us out. He just laughed and said "Sorry I only like girls." What was that supposed to mean? But that didn't stop us, Eddy used his skills of annoyance to pressure him into explaining all he knew about where we we're, which unfortunately wasn't enough for me to formulate exactly how we came here. Needless to say, our savior, Rance and his…erm…slave Sill have taken us in, despite us not being able to offer much. Rance seems to think so though. He said he liked Ed's simplicity, though those were not his exact words…Okay so he's rude, self-centered, and just…just…a JERK! But he's our best chances of staying alive so we put up with it. We eventually made our way to Japan of all places! Japan! And I must say this definitely isn't our world. For one I'm pretty sure during the warring states period Japan didn't allow any foreigners in, but Rance said he had a pamphlet encouraging foreigners to come to see a princess or something. Oh what are we to do?
Edd set aside the well worn notebook he had carried with him since Rance had saved them, and returned to the food at hand: dango and tea. Already Ed had finished his and was getting more, and Eddy was chewing thoughtfully on his snack all the while Rance spewed food all over as he talked to a young girl. Rance, even when sitting was a head taller than Ed, covered in a green fabric with heavy looking plate armor covering his torso and shoulders. His cape, which was a dark green, was still clinging to him, making Edd wonder how Rance managed to keep the thing so spotless. Or perhaps it was that color because he never washed it? Rance started laughing, as he commonly does, his armored boots leaving deep welts in the ground as he bought them down, and gave everyone in the tea house an open view of his teeth, which were all sharpened to points.
"MORE DANGO!" he shouted as he tore into his fifth serving.
"My aren't you the hungry ones." Came their benefactor. A man, not quite young but not quite old either smiled at them. He wore a yellow top, with a small looking monkey crawling through the fabric. His hair grew down to the base of his neck and he had the beginnings of a beard forming around his chin.
"Um Rance…c-can I have some?" the pink haired girl next to him begged. Rance turned around and dropped his fist on the top of her head. "Slaves don't get any!"
"Here you go." The owner of the teahouse gave Sill some, who accepted graciously. Rance growled as he watched this. Watching such mistreatment made Edd's blood boil, but he restrained himself, one because it was not really his business; and two if he made it his business he'd risk looking at the business end of Rance's sword.
The little girl next to the owner seemed to have more guts then him. "You shouldn't be so mean to your wife sir." She chided.
Rance spluttered on his dango and Sill blushed heavily. "You're misreading the situation!"
The man patted the girl's head. "Come now dear daughter, no need to intimidate our guests." In an attempt to ease the tension, he coughed lightly and changed the subject. "So what brings you five out here to Owari?"
"Well…" Eddy began. "We-"
"They're just following me because I saved them." Rance interrupted. "And the reason I'M here is THIS!" he pulled out a pamphlet. 'SEE THE BEAUTIES OF JAPAN! ODA NOBUNAGA'S SISTER PRINCESS KOU-HIME!' , and underneath those words was a beautiful woman with her kimono draping off her shoulders.
"I came here to make Kou-hime mine!"
The owner continued to smile but he noted that his fists tightened. The girl looked up. "Brother why do you make those pictures of me?" The owner just patted her head. "And why do you always pat my head in public?"
Rance stared at the two before him. Then back at the pamphlet. Then back at them. Edd sighed. "Here, let me save you the trouble." He walked in front of the two people of Rance's interest. "Oda Nobunaga." He pointed to the man. "And Oda Kou." he pointed to the girl. "So I'm afraid unless you have no trouble with very young girls, you wasted your time Rance sir."
"What? WHAT? WHAAAAAAT?" Rance shouted, flinging his tea at Eddy. "Ow watch where you throw that!"
The man called Oda Nobunaga shrugged. "Surprised?"
"Th-the-then this girl here!"
"Is not that old."
"I can see that EDD!" Rance shouted. "AUGH! THAT'S JUST WRONG! I don't do kids!"
Oda's fists once again clenched tightly. "That's the only reason you came here?"
Needless to say it was an awkward moment. In truth I didn't know what Rance had crossed that giant land bridge for. Until he declared his intention I didn't even know enough of about him to make an accurate guess…but even Nobunaga, this world's Nobunaga hit us with a choice that still boggles my mind.
"This nation is in a sorry state. Japan is divided into warring factions, all vying for power. A nation divided cannot stand." Nobunaga said with a sigh.
With his identity revealed Nobunaga had invited his foreign guests to Owari castle, though the Eds we're somewhat reluctant. But Rance assured them they could come with him or leave. He was the closest thing they had to safety in this strange place so they followed. Instead of being the trap they feared, Nobunaga invited them to a private feast while he explained himself. In truth though only Rance, Sill, and Edd we're listening. Eddy tried to but his short attention span combined with the big words bored him to tears. Ed didn't even try and consigned himself to wandering the castle, much to the protest of everyone.
"Well why don't you do something about it?" Edd asked. "Surely you, Nobunaga, must have a great amount of power to sway others." I know he loses, but he's supposed to be one of the most powerful warlords around. I can't imagine him lying down about this.
"Sadly I cannot do much, the soldiers need someone to lead them from the front, and I can't do that. I just don't have the strength anymore." He replied.
"Well then." Rance began, putting down his soup bowl. "MAKE ME THE NEW RULER!"
That got everyone's attention.
"WHAT?" Edd shouted.
"What?" Eddy yelled as the conversation to a very odd turn.
"What?" asked Ed as he came crashing through a screen door.
Even the monkey on Nobunaga's shoulder was dumbstruck by the turn of events. Yet Nobunaga didn't seem surprised. If anything he was…contemplating.
After a long, painful silence, Nobunaga opened his eyes. "Very well. You will be Oda's secret ruler."
"WHAT?" Edd and Eddy yelled again.
"Ding dong whose there?" Ed asked; his face still planted firmly to the floor. Rance however was jubilant, laughing loudly, baring his sharp teeth again. "All the women of this country will be mine! GAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Sill was beside herself as her master was having another one of his crazy impulses. And Kou looked up worriedly at her brother. "Are you sure you want to do this? You are giving this stranger total power over our nation."
Nobunaga smiled and patted her head. "I want to see this nation united under one banner. I want to be able to see that and you married to a great lord. Under my leadership I doubt Oda will go too far, but I can see a fire in this man that can take our nation to greatness, and you in the arms of a deserving noble."
"This will be ME in five years time!" Rance grinned.
"No." Nobunaga said flatly, though his smile never faded.
"This is not what the history books say!" Edd exclaimed as he gripped his head.
"Yeah, it's even better!" Eddy agreed. Or at least agreed on his terms.
"But…but…it's not Nobunaga who wins! It's Tokugawa! We're supporting the loser in this war!" Edd hissed into Eddy's ear.
"Well I doubt those books with Tofu-salad-"
"Tokugawa!"
"That's what I said. I doubt they we're counting on this guy." Eddy said pointing to Rance who was standing up, laughing away. "I mean he ain't in history right?"
"Well yes true he isn't…"
"Exactly. What, you scared we're gonna get killed or something?"
"I'm surprised we're still alive actually…but I suppose we have found a safe place, so long as we stay as far from any battlefield as we possible can." Edd replied ominously.
Then Ed did something that he usually does. He did something stupid that would drag his friends deep into the mire of a dangerous escapade. He laughed alongside Rance. And Rance liked it. "Even the boys approve of my new position! And as a reward, my first official act is to make you officers in my army!"
This time even Nobunaga raised an eyebrow, though the Eds reaction could not be accurately described in words. Somewhere between terror and surprise is the most accurate. Kou watched the scene unfold her. All she could manage was "Oh my, foreigners can be so emotional…"
And thus Rance became the new Ruler of Oda. And somehow we became his first vassals. And the first order of business was to get us suited up properly…which honestly was not one of the better things. Really we just got he hand me downs and we're told to put them on. The only thing we really had in the end was Ed getting some metal helm that covered his hold head and topped off with an evil looking spike, and Eddy had a cuirass that stayed in place only because of a leather strap covered by a shoulder pad that looked like its seen better days. And nothing sadly fit me…Rance didn't seem to care though as he judged us enough for his ceremony, and took no account in the face that I was still unprotected from potential assassins or when we are in the battlefield! Being named an officer of a foreigner's army whose intent is to conquer an entire country makes me a very pleasing target. As I could plainly see when, of course some of Oda's vassals did not take too kindly to this change in power. Namely two: Kubota Houge, and Hira Munamoto. They even went as far as to leave House Oda. And now they are trying to start a rebellion. Our first week in JAPAN and already we're being thrown into the grinder…
Edd swung the gunbai in his hands, not quite used to the weight of the heavy iron fan. Akechi made it look so simple…speaking of which, the tactician was discussing with general Keiji the best means of deployment. There we're a lot of faces he now recognized but he struggled to match the names to the faces.
Shibata was the giant man in yellow armor, sporting a spear larger than him. He smiled as he stroked his thin beard that was growing under his lower lip but did not quite extend beyond his chin, relishing the chance to show off his prowess. To whom he wasn't quite sure.
Then there was Ranmaru, who really creeped Edd out. In fact she creeped out all the Eds not by what she said, but by the fact she never said anything to them. In fact she never even made eye contact. Her armor was more top heavy than the others, leaving very little protection to her legs, which probably what allowed her so much mobility when she was out on the field. She blew back a strand of hair that drooped over her eyes, which seemed to annoy her greatly. Maybe she wanted all her neck-length hair to be stiff. But that was merely conjecture. What drew the eyes the most however was the sword strapped to her right shoulder. Her hand was on its hilt, as if expecting a fight at any moment.
"So exactly where did all these soldiers come from? I thought Nobunaga was only dealing with a handful of rebels. This is a full army I'm looking at!" Eddy exclaimed, his voice cracking as he reached the end of the sentence.
"Ashikaga helped them." Shibata noted. His giant size was somewhat reassuring, as it put a huge soldier between the Eds and the soldiers down there. But it was offset by the silent Ranmaru.
"Okay, kid here who never pays attention in class, care for a more detailed explanation?" Eddy asked, waving his hand in the air with a dull look on his face.
"Ashikaga Chousin. His family is one of the wealthiest nations in JAPAN. He helped these rebels, seeing it as an opportunity to take over Oda and our ports to further increase his wealth."
Eddy pondered this information. "…Wealthy eh?"
Ed was looking at the gathering army at the bottom of the hill, and noticed the different sashimi. He giggled when he saw the pink banners of House Ashikaga.
"It would not be wise to stand to close young man." Akechi advised the tall Ed. He held his gunbai over his eyes. "They have their archers close to the front. They might be able to reach you from there."
"Cool. Then I shall fight in the shade!" Ed declared. He stuck out his chest trying to look as cool as the soldier he just mimicked, while Akechi stared in puzzlement at the boy's odd if not admirable bravery.
"Brother you should have at least put on chain mail, you're taking many risks coming out here in just a summer coat!" Kou was doting over her older brother as usual. Nobunaga simply smiled and pat her head. "And stop patting my head please! This is serious!"
"Don't worry so much. It's not like I'm going to be out there fighting myself you know…" the monkey emerged from the depths of Nobunaga's coat again, sneezing.
Before Kou could protest Rance stepped forward. "That's right Kou-hime, you have nothing to worry about. I'm gonna step down there and tear em apart. You're brother's fine where he is. Alright!" , he clapped his hands together. "Here's the strategy! We all charge and hit their middle! Any questions?" Silence. Then Eddy's hand shot up.
"I just have one question: Why are we fighting too? Aren't we a bit…young?"
"An excellent question." Oda said with a smile. The horn signaling the beginning of battle trumpeted around the camp. "Too bad there's no time to explain, now off you go!"
"What?" And the Eds we're dragged of by Shibata. "Come on or you'll miss all the good parts!"
The battlefield seemed a bit one sided. Oda, while fighting his own retainers, still had the upper hand with numbers and skilled officers. Sans the Eds. They stuck out like a sore thumb in the middle of the open field as the two armies faced each other down. But seeing as how the Eds we're commanding peasant militia, they seemed to blend in to the sea of inexperience, the only thing setting them apart from the hundreds of blank eyed soldiers was their bright clothes indicating a status above the grunts.
"Well what now?" Eddy asked, holding a knife that looked as long as a sword when he held it.
Ed of course had no clue, he was still trying to figure out where everything was as the helmet on his head made the world oh so much smaller. The spear he was given was lost somewhere between the camp and the battlefield and it was too late to go searching for it.
Edd scanned the field. Rance's swordsmen were piercing the enemy's front lines, while Shibata's spear men served as a buffer against a regiment that was trying to flank Rance. Already the cohesion of the enemy was beginning to loosen in his area. A little more and they would break. "Follow Rance in!" Edd finally declared. His friends looked at him astonished. "His line has the fewest enemies. We have a better chance of getting out of this alive if we stay close to him this time." He whispered to his friends. Realization hit Eddy and he started smiling. Ed was already smiling, most of what Edd said went in one ear and out the other, but he nodded vigorously, ready to follow his friends wherever they went. He repeated his command, and the regiment of peasant-soldiers charged down the slope.
Noboyuki's regiment had nearly had it with Rance slicing into any soldier who got too close, and Sill healing any wounded ally. Their morale was low and they just needed the proper catalyst to send them into a retreat. That catalyst came when they were blindsided by five hundred soldiers crashing into them. These new enemies we're poorly equipped with no uniform weapon, and showed they didn't have much experience but their sheer number. The surprise as these new troops smashed into their side uplifted the morale of Oda's army, and broke the remaining shreds of order in the rebels' ranks.
First two broke off. Then ten. Then twenty. Then forty. Then the entire army was routed and the coordinated army was reduced to a retreating rabble. Being inexperienced and eager to win glory, many soldiers pursued, hacking down enemies that we're too slow. Rance smiled as he saw them retreat. "Trap sprung."
"Damn those foreigners! They have poisoned not only the lord but his men as well!" Kubota Houge cursed, confident he was safely far enough from the Oda Army to swear retribution against the poisoning foreigners.
Before any more promises of vengeance could be made, the retreating army found themselves face to face with Ranmaru's unit. Coming from behind was Rance, to the sides Shibata, and the Eds. The surviving commanders made to rally their troops for a final stand and they formed a circle, but all too quickly it fell apart as Oda's army swarmed in from all sides. Rance cackled as his sword, Chaos, felled soldiers left and right. Ranmaru waded through effortlessly, not making a show of it like Rance, though relishing the chance to be in her element. Shibata blocked a sword strike and countered with his spear at the offending soldier.
Some thought the weak point would be the Eds' unit and tried to break through, but realized all too quickly that their desperation made them easy targets for soldiers even as inexperienced as the Eds. Eddy slashed at the legs of one while Ed head butted another with bone crushing force. Ed's naturally thick skull and helmet protection allowed him to shrug off the improvised attack but his opponent was not so fortunate as his armor cracked under the force, bending inward and piercing his vitals. Edd stood in the throng of the melee, gripping his fan tightly as his eyes darted in every direction. One soldier noticed him and in a craze, charged at him shouting a war cry. Edd screamed and backed away, only to trip on the body of a fallen soldier. By luck, his fan covered his chest as his enemy slashed down. Edd struck back more out of desperation than any real ability, and blocked another slash. And another. And another. But this being Edd, was quickly losing his strength, and his enemy could sense the weakness. The swordsman swung with all his might…and missed. Too much exercise, panic, and general horror caused Edd temporarily lapse in consciousness sending him collapsing to the ground.. The surprised swordsman continued his powerful swing until his blade lodged itself in the truck of a tree. He struggled to release it but the blade bit deep. Edd slowly got up, and seeing his enemy incapacitated, raised his gunbai and swung it with all his might. There was a loud ringing noise as the iron fan made contact with the swordsman's head. It didn't kill him, but the force did knock his opponent. Edd sighed in relief as the danger had passed, and only then did he realize that around him fighting had also died down.
Only a handful managed to escape the massacre, neither of the vassals were not among them. One was dead the other glaring at Rance with pure hatred. The surviving Kubota charged at Rance, intent on not dying alone. Rance simply laughed and with a deft stroke of Chaos, the other Kubota fell. "I regret nothing…" he said as his eyes closed.
Oda's camp erupted into cheers. "We are victorious!"
Rance strutted in. "Of course, I led everyone down there, how else could we have won?"
Edd sighed as he massaged his arms. He was still not used to swinging the gunbai around, it made it even harder to block a sword strike with it. "I never thought I'd see someone with an ego bigger than yours Eddy."
"Yeah I kn-hey!"
The Oda siblings watched as Rance tried to gloat as much as he could while the boys argued with each other. "Are you sure it was a good idea handing the country over to him?" Kou picked at the subject once again. Instead of getting frustrated, Nobunaga just smiled an patted her head.
With the rebels defeated Rance's transition to the new leader went without much of a hitch. However since it was his goal to conquer ALL of Japan, this would not be the last battle.
Rance surveyed the room with approval. "That makes the first of many victories! Now we go on the offensive!" he declared then laughed.
"But lord Rance! Where are we to strike?" queried three voices at once. Rance turned to see an old man with three faces on his head. The left face had tears streaming down its face as it looked ready to cry. The center face was set in a scowl that was enraged by everything. And the right face was holding back laughter with a wide smile plastering its face.
"WAAAH! MONSTER!" yelled Rance.
"Oh how rude!" the middle face shouted. "I happen to be a youkai thank you!"
"Rance-san. This is 3G, he has been a loyal advisor to the Oda family for years." said princess Kou.
"And we look forward to serving you!" all three heads said in unison.
Rance glared at the old youkai and said. "You're fired."
"WHAT?"
"Oh dear. He didn't mean that 3G." princess Kou patted the dejected 3G.
"WHERE THE HELL ARE THE ED BOYS? THEY ARE MISSING EVERYTHING INVOLVING ME!"
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\Somewhere in Owari/
The Eds we're gathered around a table at some inn not too far from the castle. Edd was trying to enjoy a light meal of a fried egg over rice, while Eddy was infuriating the cooks as he went through every painstaking step to making the perfect burger. Ed was watching a kabuki play, laughing all the while.
"Yay! I have no idea what's going on!" his voice echoed inside the helmet he neglected to remove.
Edd smiled at his friends antics, it certainly attracted the other occupants away from him. He looked out the inn and tried his best to enjoy this new place. "This might have made a nice vacation spot if it weren't for all the fighting…" he sighed as he reached down for his notebook.
By this time Eddy had returned with the cook's best attempt at a hamburger, but without the usual condiments to accentuate it, it was basically a steak on bread. Eddy groaned as he tried to savor his sandwich as best he could. "Yo sockhead. What are you doin'?"
"Trying to keep record of our unit. With our recent victory, recruitment rate has nearly tripled as many disillusioned and destitute men are flocking to the army for a share of glory and for a steady room and board. Unfortunately, issuing kit, rations, and training exercises are becoming tedious, and I have yet to assign any among them to be an aide to lighten the burden."
"I don't recognize half the words you used, but okay…but I wanna talk to you about history."
Edd was dumbfounded. "Eddy…really? You?"
"Now don't start thinking this is a change for me. I know you know about this uh...feudin' state thing. So I was thinking, Rance has no clue what he's doing right?"
Edd eyed him suspiciously. "Right?"
"And really he'll attack anyone given his attitude yeah?"
"True…"
"So maybe you and me can work as…advisers. Help him decide who to fight and who to leave alone."
"…That sounds prudent."
Eddy smiled. "So you think we should have a go at it?"
Edd miraculously pulled out the same textbook that he held in the library all those weeks ago. "First you need to be bought up to speed." Eddy's smile started to fade.
"Yeah uh...I was thinking maybe it should just be you."
"Oh you know Rance won't listen if it's only me. He'll want another opinion and if you can't back me up, he won't believe a word I say. So I'm afraid all you can do is, study."
Eddy groaned and dropped his face into his arms. Edd smiled as he caught Eddy in the very trap he tried to weave. Then looked up and shouted. "ED!"
Ed was disrupting the kabuki play by doing a Russian Cossack dance. But instead of angering the audience, they seemed to enjoy this odd turn of events. "Look ma no hands!" he declared.