Birthday Tears

LHOP inspired fan fiction by Cheryl C. Malandrinos

Disclaimer: I do not own the Little House on the Prairie television series, book series, or any of the characters.

Laura knelt beside the tiny wooden cross. The moistness of the ground from the previous night's rain penetrated the fabric of her skirt. Leaning on her arms, fists clenched, Laura's back heaved as the sorrow washed over her. Streams of salty tears slid down her face, dropping onto the wet ground.

The wildflowers she had brought him lay in front of the grave marker. Pretty yellows, whites, and purples floating in a sea of grass left brown by a recent drought.

"Why?" she cried. "I still ask God why He had to take you from us." The back of her hand swiped at the drip falling from her nose. "Manly was so happy to have a son. He loves Rose, but a son carries his father's name—and in that name the father lives on, even if he has died." Laura's fingers traced deep grooves of the hand carved etching.

"I've tried so hard this past year to forget the pain of losing you. I still remember kneeling by your cradle and shaking you when you wouldn't wake up. Right away I knew something was wrong. There I stood, plastered against the bedroom door as your father leaned over you searching for any sign of life. Fear consumed me. I couldn't move."

"Then he…" Tears flowed in a steady stream down Laura's cheek. "He said…"

Laura collapsed into a heap on the ground. "Oh God, he said you were dead." She inhaled deeply, painful emotions taking over her body. "I screamed, not believing it. I wanted to run to you, hold you, see your blue eyes staring back at me."

The pounding of her left fist on the ground sent splatters of wet earth in all directions. Drops landed on her skirt and blouse. She shook her head, weeping.

"But you were gone and I would never hold you again."

Several moments passed as the sadness poured out of Laura's body like rushing water over the rocks after a heavy storm. Picking herself off the ground she straightened her hair and searched for the handkerchief in her bag to dry her face. Closing her eyes, she breathed deeply, finally able to bring her emotions under control. Sad tears should never be shed on birthdays.

The sound of wagon wheels made Laura turn her head. A familiar pair of Morgans driven by an equally familiar man in a Stetson came towards her. The wagon pulled alongside her and Almanzo tugged at the reins.

"I didn't know you were gonna be here," he said.

"I can leave if you prefer to be alone. I've already had my time." Laura wiped at the dry mud spots on her blouse with the handkerchief.

"No, no." He jumped down and encircled his wife's waist. "I'd like the company."

Almanzo removed his hat, tossing it onto the wagon seat. He pushed away the strands of blond hair that fell over his forehead. He gazed up at the blue sky full of fluffy white clouds. A gentle breeze rustled the leaves, giving comfort from the hot sun.

"Too beautiful of a day to be in a place like this." Almanzo's smile held back the tidal wave of sadness Laura saw in his eyes.

She placed her head tenderly over his right arm. "Let's walk a while."

Almanzo nodded and lifted his elbow so Laura could slide her arm through his. They wandered in silence for several moments, gazing at the beauty all around them and the wooden crosses that stuck out from the earth to remind them of their sadness.

Exhaling deeply, Almanzo stopped suddenly, turning his eyes away. "I still remember how excited I was when Doc Baker told me we had a son."

Laura caressed his arm, but remained silent, knowing Almanzo would only open up when he was ready.

"I wonder if he'd be walkin yet." Almanzo swallowed hard. "Sometimes I get to thinkin about all the things we coulda done together. I wanted him to know what it was like to own his first colt. I never forgot the day Father gave me Starlight. I was excited and scared all at the same time."

A nervous chuckle slipped through his lips. "There are still times I get up in the mornin and expect to see him layin in his cradle next to the bed."

"I know." Laura nodded. "I swear I can hear him cooing sometimes."

They walked back to the grave site, silence falling over them again. Almanzo touched the top of the small wooden cross, his eyes gazing down at the engraving.

"I wish we had given him a name." Almanzo turned away, staring far off in the distance. "It's not right that he died without a proper name."

"We could always choose one now." Laura had thought about giving the baby a name for weeks now, but had been afraid to bring it up.

Almanzo and Laura stood shoulder to shoulder. She faced the tiny cross as she watched the rustling leaves of the oak tree that shaded her son's grave. Almanzo gazed upon the brown, lifeless prairie grass that stretched for miles in front of him. He did not look at Laura when he spoke.

"No. If we couldn't give him a name when he was here, I don't want to give him one now that he's gone."

"But then people who come after us will know who he was."

"We know. That's all that matters."

Laura grasped Almanzo's hand, feeling the warm clamminess of their tense discussion. "You're right. Forget I mentioned it."

Almanzo tightened his fingers around hers. "God, it seemed like all of it happened such a long time ago, but bein here and talkin about it makes me feel like it was only yesterday."

"Yeah." Laura shook her head—as if she could shake free the memories from her mind. "Losing the baby and then Rose getting sick…I thought nothing would be right ever again."

Almanzo embraced her. Closing his eyes, he held her tight. "Well, thank God Rose got better and we were able to move on after a while."

"Doc Baker has never said another word about it. He smiles and says, "Hi" as if I never mistreated him."

"Aw Beth, he knows you were hurtin." Almanzo brushed back a strand of reddish-brown hair that fell onto Laura's cheek. "Besides, the doc isn't one to hold a grudge."

Laura gazed up into Almanzo's face. His eyes full of compassion and love, squinted against the bright sun, the corners crinkled into thin lines of bunched up skin.

"I just wish I could take it all back." Laura eyes fled to the ground to hide her embarrassment. "Especially sending him away from the funeral. Once I blamed Doc Baker for killing our baby no one in town would go see him. People who had known him for years drove miles out of town for help because of my careless words."

"But ya made it right again. That's what counts."

"What if you hadn't gotten Doc Baker that night?' Laura's words came out high pitched and fast, anxiety clear on her face as she fiddled with the strings of her bag. "What if you had listened to me and not gotten Doc Baker when Rose was sick? She could have died."

Laura's frantic body trembled next to Almanzo and her hands feverishly looped the strings of her handbag around her fingers, her breathing erratic as bad thoughts she had buried flowed into her mind.

Almanzo grabbed Laura's shoulders and shook her gently. "That didn't happen. Rose is fine."

"No thanks to me."

"Stop it Laura!" Concern now mixing with an angry heat, Almanzo's face turned red. "We can't live in the past. Askin "what if" won't change the fact that he's gone." Almanzo pointed at their son's grave. "It won't take back those words ya said to Doc Baker. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and move on. There is a future—our future and Rose's future. We havta plan for that; not worry about what's already gone by."

Laura's lips trembled as tears slid down her freckled cheek. "Oh Manly!"

She clung to him as if it meant her very life. A river full of tears flowed in a never ending trickle down her face onto his shirt, the wetness sticking the shirt to his chest. Laura felt Almanzo's arms around her, pulling her closer as her undulating body released wails of sorrow. Her knees buckled and she fell to the ground, their embrace pulling Almanzo down with her. His hands were in her hair, stroking it, calming her, making her feel safe.

Drawing in three deep breaths, Laura brought her emotions under control. She dabbed at her face with the kerchief Almanzo handed her and let him help her to her feet.

"Are ya okay?" he asked, the anger gone from his face.

Laura nodded, unable to speak yet.

Almanzo pushed away a strand of hair that had fallen in front of her eyes. "How about a little smile?"

She forced the corners of her mouth to curl. When she saw the love shining behind his startling blue eyes her smile widened to reveal her teeth.

"That's my Beth."

"I'm sorry… I just…"

His finger went up to her lips. "No need to explain." His eyes traveled until they rested on the tiny wooden cross. "I know how hard it is to move on." He swallowed away the lump in his throat.

Laura tugged gently at his arm. "Want to head home?"

"Sure."

Arm in arm, Almanzo and Laura walked back towards the wagon. The first birthday had passed and with it an unspoken understanding that they would not speak of these events again.

Author's note: So well did Laura and Almanzo hide the sorrow they felt over losing their only son that Rose did not even know she had a younger brother until after her mother's death. (Source: The Ghost in the Little House by William Holtz, page 341)