I looked at Emily, the love of my life. My girlfriend of three years. She was just standing there crying fiddling with her hair. She'd been sneaking around with Maya again. And she had to tell me this the same day she told me she was pregnant.
"Damn it, stop crying Emily. I said I was sorry."I know I still sounded angry and harsh. But I am still angry. I know I shouldn't have called her a whore. But I feel like she doesn't love me. Doesn't she know how bad it feels when I have to find out I'm not enough for her. I should leave this is toxic.
I watched Toby walk out the door. I hate when he gets mad and yells. I promised it would be the last time now that I know I'm pregnant. What more does he want from me? He always gets so angry when I try to be honest. I wiped the tears from my eyes and started getting dressed. I was going out with the girls. I wanted to tell them about the babies tell them how excited I was. I got dressed in a pair of jeans and a nice understated blouse. I walked down the stairs into the kitchen.
I saw Toby with his back to me his hands resting on the counter in front of the sink his head hung. "Toby?" I said softly positive he is still mad,
"What?" I shifted my weight tucking my loose hair behind my ear.
"I'm going out, I'm meeting up with Aria, Hannah, and Spencer." He just grunted. "I'll be home later."
I heard the door slam behind me. I figured they were going out to Alison's memorial like they always did. I needed a drink. A drink of something strong. I grabbed my leather jacket and motor cycle helmet and found myself driving to Snookers the only bar in town. I walked in the door and felt comforted by the familiar sent. I had called my step-sister Jenna before I came over. I needed to talk to her. I saw her sitting at the bar with her seeing eye dog Bruce.
"Hi." I said sitting down. I ordered a glass of Vodka.
"What's wrong? You only drink Jack when you're fighting with Emily." Jenna stated touching my hand with hers.
"She's pregnant." I whispered, "But she's still sleeping with Maya. I want to be excited about this baby, but…" I was cut off by the sound of Spencer's irritatingly perfect laugh. I turned around and saw the four of them with Maya. I saw Maya's hand tucked into the back pocket of Emily's jeans. "But I can't when she pulls this shit." I growled.
I couldn't breathe anymore. I watched Maya kiss Emily, all the girls didn't even blanche. They all knew she was cheating, and they didn't care.
"She's here isn't she?" Jenna asked softly?
"Yes." I said. When things with Emily were good they were so good, when they are bad they are the end of the world. It should be me sitting over there with them not Maya. Not when I can see all of them with their boyfriends. "I'm sorry, Jenna I need to get out of here. Do you need me to call you a cab?" I asked. She smiled secretively.
"No I'll manage." I chuckled at her confidence and walked out of the bar. I drove home speeding the whole way unable to care if I got pulled over right now. Once I got home I walked up to the bathroom. For the first time since Emily and I moved into our house I was using the bathtub. She always said it was so relaxing. I laid in the hot water for awhile wondering how long it would take to drown myself. I slid myself under the hot water holding my breath for awhile. I opened my mouth letting the water flood it when I felt a hand pull me up. I was sputtering and saw Emily looking at me.
"Toby…" She trailed off. I glared at her.
"I saw you with her." I snarled standing up wrapping a towel around my waist.
"It wasn't what you think." She whispered. I let the water out of the tub.
"I saw her kiss you!" I yelled in Emily's face. The tears in her eyes broke my heart.
"Were you following me?" She interrogated through her tears. I lost my cool and threw my fist in Emily's direction punching the wall just behind her.
"I went out for a drink with Jenna!" I yelled, "My step sister, the one you and your friends blinded. Remember her!" I yelled watching Emily flinch. I stormed out of the bathroom into our bedroom. I started changing into my pajama bottoms.
"I can't make it through this pregnancy without you Toby." She whispered begging me not to be angry with her. I laid down on my side of the bed with my back to her just looking at the wall.
"Fine if you aren't going to talk to me." She yelled now starting to get angry but I still ignored her. I could hear her banging around I looked at her through the corner of my eye and saw her packing.
"Where are you going?" I asked sitting up. She looked at me wiping tears from her eyes.
"To Maya's. She always understands." She sobbed walking out of our bedroom I scrambled out of our bedroom after her following her down the stairs catching her bag just before she got out the door pulling her back.
"No you aren't." I yelled in her face. She shoved me and tried slapping me. I grabbed her hands shoving them away taunting her.
"Come one Emily, you want to be big and bad and fight me. Do it, try to fight me!" I taunted. She dropped her bag and shoved me hard. I hit the wall. I pushed myself off of it and grabbed her biceps angry. I was angry about everything. She yelped and I didn't care she tried to push me off and move so that I would be thrown off balance. I turned us in a sick angry dance and shoved her. She stumbled but caught herself resting against the wall. I threw another punch at the wall this time putting my fist threw the dry wall. Emily was sobbing my forearm covered her collar bone. I rested my head against her chest coming down from my angry high.
"I'm so sorry Em, I'm so sorry."I whispered. She pulled my head up and kissed me passionately. I returned the kiss fervently as we kissed each other deeply trying to touch as much of each other as we possibly could.
The next day me and Emily were out at the grocery store in Rosewood. I saw Maya walking hand in hand with some pretty blonde. I felt my blood boil as Emily and Maya shared secret smiles. Did this girl holding Maya's hand know where Maya went at night. Did she know that she would never be enough for Maya.
"Emily, Toby I haven't seen you guys in so long!" Maya gushed hugging me and Emily, lying. Maya and I both know she was sleeping with my Emily.
"I know, have you heard Ben and I are having a baby?" Emily asked sweetly. I just stood there quietly. Watching the exchange between my pregnant girlfriend and her lover.
"I have, Emily, this is my girlfriend Alexis." Emily smiled a jealous bittersweet smile.
"How long have you and Maya been together?" She asked. My heart hurt watching how jealous Emily was. She would never feel that way if I had met someone and moved on years ago.
"A couple months ago, since Maya was back in California, she just asked me to move in with her. Isn't she so sweet?" She questioned flipping her long blonde hair over her shoulder.
"So sweet." Emily crooned, I fidgeted uncomfortably, and Maya gave me a shut up and stay quiet look. I tugged on Emily's hand,
"Let's go. I don't want the ice cream to melt and the milk to get warm." I muttered, Emily gave Maya another hug and walked off a head of me. I gave Maya a warning look and followed Emily.
"What is wrong with you, maybe I wanted to talk to Maya." Emily hissed as we walked into the house.
"I don't like watching you get all jealous every time you see Maya with a new girl. Maybe it's possible this Alexis girl loves Maya the way I love you." I yelled angry. I didn't want to have to interact with all of Emily's little friends tonight.
"I do not get jealous!" She exclaimed. I looked at her.
"You don't get jealous of anyone who looks at me, but when it comes to Maya you will always be jealous of anyone she goes home to." Emily scoffed in my face,
"No one wants you Toby." I stormed off angrily to our bedroom. I hate her, I hate how she hates me but I can't leave because I love her.
I sat on the couch by myself drinking a beer. I saw Emily smiling and laughing with all her friends. Aria was still happily unmarried to Sean Akard. Their relationship is such a joke. She's still in love with that Mr. Fitz, and he worships the ground she walks on. She won't marry him legally because of her parents' marriage but they are expecting their second kid and are recognized as a legally bound married couple. Then there is Spencer engaged to some older lawyer that she met while attending some Ivy league college where she became some over paid doctor and now stay at home mommy and wife. The only one who was remotely real was Hannah. She's a model and a player. She always has a new boyfriend every other week. But at least she is decent. I took another drink of beer when the weight of the couch shifted. It was Sean.
"Congrats, being dad is amazing." He said sincerely. I looked at him,
"How do you and Aria make it work?" I asked always wondering about the two. Sean chuckled
"We are honest and communicate. We compromise." I looked at him,
"It seems like you're the only person who is making compromises. Sean chuckled,
"Aria, she makes them too." I nodded. I don't want to have to compromise and share Emily in order to keep her. Sean stood up and walked away. I stood up and walked into the kitchen in search of something stronger than beer. I poured a shot of patron for myself,
"Pour me a shot too?" questioned Hannah's voice. It always reminded me of honey drips it was so sweet. I shrugged and poured her a shot.
"Chears." I muttered. We both took the shots. It burned going down, "Shouldn't you be with your friends?" I questioned she shrugged.
"I'm sick of baby talk and wedding plans, and I can tell you are miserable. What's going on?" I chuckled of course Hannah would rather hang out with me then talk babies and weddings.
"Do I have to share Emily in order to keep her?" I blurted out. Hannah sighed,
"Fuck Emily, she doesn't deserve you." Hannah said kissing me.
Kissing Hannah felt good, it made me feel good for the first time in a long time. She pulled away.
"Call me when you finally decide to leave her." I nodded. Leaning against the counter. I saw Emily staring at me, she had seen. But I found myself not caring. I had been hurt so often. I walked away up the stairs to our bedroom and laid down. I couldn't breathe. The idea of leaving Emily and my unborn child killed me. But the idea of having to share her with Maya for the rest of my life was even harder.
"I saw Hannah kiss you." I smirked looking up at the ceiling,
"Jealous?" I gloated. It made me feel powerful to know I still had the same effect on her as I once did when she couldn't get enough of me.
"Never. You should fuck her, maybe if will make you feel less angst ridden throughout my pregnancy." I sat up and started shoving clothes for work into a bag. "Where are you going?" She questioned exasperated.
"To a hotel. I refuse to put up with your attitude. I don't even want to look at you right now." I said calmly.
"We have company." She scolded me, "If you're going to walk out on your family can you at least wait till they leave?" I scoffed,
"You Rosewood girls, always worried about appearances." I said walking out of our bedroom. I started towards the door Emily behind me when I stopped and looked at Hannah. I looked over at her then decided to really give Emily's perfect friends something to talk about. I walked over to Hannah and kissed her full on the lips. My hand at her waist. I pulled away suddenly then walked out the door.
"Toby!" I yelled running out of the house after him he was half way to his bike. "Toby don't go please." I yelled he wouldn't talk to me, he wouldn't look at me, "Toby I'm sorry, I need you here with me."
"Like hell you do Emily." He muttered under his breath. I hit him hard in the face. I never would have before. But I was mad I didn't want him to leave me. I don't know what snapped in me. But seeing him kiss Hannah almost killed me. Is that how he felt every time he saw me with Maya?
"Toby, look at me. Toby please look at me." He slung his leg over the side of his bike.
"I'm leaving Emily. I'll be back tomorrow then we'll talk." He said calmly. I sobbed not caring who saw at this point in the game. I watched his bring his bike to a roaring start. "TOBY!" I yelled running down the street after his bike sobbing. I was scared of losing him for the first time in my life.
I had never meant to cheat on him, and definitely never meant to do it repeatedly. I never wanted to push him away like this.
I returned the next morning just like I promised Emily I would. I let myself into the house walking up to our bedroom. The bed in the hotel room had been hard, and lumpy. I looked at Emily in bed her strawberry blonde hair spread out on the pillow around her head like an angels. But Emily is no angel. He cheeks were tear stained and her eyes were puffy. She shifted waking up and looked at me,
"Toby." She whispered. I looked away. I was leaning against her vanity. "Toby, come to bed." She whispered. I shook my head no.
"I want to take a break." I whispered. My heart hurt. I needed a break from all the fighting.
"You don't mean it." She sobbed. I nodded my head.
"I do Emily, I can't take this anymore. I can't keep wondering where you are at night. Don't you get it? I don't want to wonder where you are." I yelled, "I don't want to be made a fool of anymore!" I yelled Emily flew out of the bed in a rage. She hits my chest and fast. I grabbed her hair and tried to pull her off me,
"You are an ass hole Toby Cavanaugh! I hate you, you are a bastard who raped his step sister. I hate you." I snarled and shoved her, she had no right bringing that up.
"Fuck you Emily!" I yelled, she stood up and started packing her bags, this scene seemed all to familiar. The scene where Emily packs her bags and goes to Maya and I never see her again.
"I'm leaving you! I hate you rot in hell!" She yelled running out of our bedroom. I followed after her catching her before she left. I threw her down into our couch and pinned her there.
"You're not going anywhere Emily!" I yelled in her face. She spit in mine. I lost it and slapped her hard in the face sick of her shit.
We both sat there in shock of what I had just done. Her bag still sat in front of the door taunting us. Still a promise of her leaving. She sat perched on the coffee table. I leaned back in the couch. I had never hit her before. Emily just sat there not looking at me, I knew her cheek was bruised where my hand had landed.
"I don't want to leave Toby, I don't want you to leave." She whispered turning around looking at me with tears in her eyes."
"I think it's for the best." I told her. I didn't want this to happen, but we can't be happy together.
"If you leave I'll call the cops." Emily whispered. I froze. "I'll tell them you hit me. You'll lose your job." She threatened. "I'll never lose you Toby. You'll never lose me." She stated standing up. I was stuck here in an unhappy life. She walked up the bedroom. I followed her with her bag in hand.
"I'm sorry I hit you Em." I whispered as we entered the bedroom. I'm a broken record all I say is I'm sorry. She just shrugged her shoulders.
Later I sat in bed watching TV I watched Emily walk out of the bedroom looking gorgeous. Her face was made up her hair was styled, She was wearing sexy red lingerie. I wondered if it was for me. I smiled my sexiest smirk at her. Even if we do hate each other. She still turns me on. She still knows my every weakness.
"Are you coming to bed?" I asked huskily looking at her. She gave me a disgusted look,
"I'm going over to Maya's. Alexis is out of town." I felt anger boiling in my veins.
"What you're allowed to go to her bed whenever you want but you can't spare a night for me. Maybe I want to fuck you occasionally." I growled standing up stalking over to her. I gripped her small perky ass with my large hands and lifted her up onto the vanity. I pressed into her. I wanted this, I needed this. I need to know she loves me. Emily slapped me in the face. I stumbled back into the bed in shock.
"I'd rather fuck Maya than you any day." She stated, I watched her get dressed and leave in silence. I went over to one of our bedroom windows and looked out. I watched her get in her car. My heart was breaking all over again.
I laid in bed. Emily had just gotten home and come to bed. She smelled of Maya's perfume. I lay in bed. It felt like my skin was on fire. I felt like I was burning and she didn't even care. I felt trapped in my own skin. I couldn't even escape the pain in my own body. I got up and walked into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror. Emily would always see me as the creepy boy she knew growing up. I was a good cover to her parents. Look little Emily leads a normal life with her normal boyfriend and baby on the way.
"What are you doing, Toby?" Emily asked disgusted.
"Nothing, what are you doing up anyways?" I asked looking at Emily. She looked so angelic and concerned for me for the first time in a long time.
"I had to pee, and you weren't in bed." I shoved past her out of our small bathroom,
"I'm fine." I muttered. I had moved us to old Hollis so that we could be away from Rosewood and the stairs when people saw us together. I had a job here, Emily was just finishing school. We'd have a baby soon and I still am not enough. How far would I have to take her away to have her to myself again.
She used to love me, when I had first met her. When she didn't know who she was or what her sexuality was. She loved me, she wanted to be with me. She would never date me though. Because she didn't' know what she wanted or how to want both. I laid in bed and shed my last tear for our relationship. Fine Emily doesn't love me anymore I don't have to tolerate her anger. I rolled over and punched in a unfamiliar number.
"Hello?" Questioned a sensually sleepy voice. I sucked in a deep breath.
"It's me." I said simply, she would know who me is, hopefully. "Fuck, Emily." I said, she smiled,
"Oh yeah?" She questioned,
"Yeah, come over."I said.
"Okay. I'll be over in few." She said. At least now I won't have to burn alone.
I stood there looking at the baby in my arms. It was a little boy. He just lay there looking at me. He had my same brown hair and blue eyes. He had his mothers pale skin and freckles splashed across his nose. But mostly my son looked like me.
"I'm sorry, Toby." Emily whispered laying back in her hospital bed. She was exhausted and I knew it. I stroked her sweaty red hair down.
"I'm sorry too."I told her. But the truth is. I'm not sorry. Sleeping with Hannah hadn't been a onetime thing. I'll go over to her house later. I'll bury myself in Hannah's love.
"Now that Noel's been born I want you to stop sleeping with Hannah." She said. I snorted. I'd stop seeing Hannah the day she stopped seeing Maya.
"That will happen the day you stop being Maya's whore." I said, Emily narrowed her eyes,
"We have a son together; I don't want to ever have to explain to Noel why his brothers and sisters are Aunt Hannah's kids." I rolled my eyes,
"And I don't want to explain to our son that mommy likes fucking girls more than she likes kissing daddy." I snarled.
"I'm leaving you Em, I can't do this anymore." I said simply. We were sitting on our bed at home. Emily was nursing him.
"You can't leave me, what about Noel, he needs his dad." I snorted,
"Noel will never lose me, he is a Cavanaugh whether you like it or not." She put Noel down once she finished feeding him. She got out her bags and started packing them again. Only this time, dread didn't fill my chest.
"Don't try to stop me, Toby." She warned getting dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. I smiled,
"Wouldn't dream of it." I smirked Emily screamed angrily waking the baby.
"You're whore won't love your son the way I do." She yelled leaving the house. I was left rocking our son back and forth. I kissed his forehead then called Hannah. The next morning I woke up to Emily sitting bin the kitchen drinking coffee.
"I didn't mean what I said. I still want you Toby. It's only been you." She said trying to wrap me up in her arms.
"Well I did mean it Emily, I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I won't share you anymore. I'm done." I yelled in her face.
"Toby." She whispered looking lost.
"What did your precious Maya not want you? Did she was Alexis more?" I yelled in her face angrily.
"This has nothing to do with Maya. It has to do with us and our little boy." She whispered sounding lost and alone. The way I had felt our entire relationship.
"It has everything to do with her! I'm done sharing you, don't you get it. This isn't going to work, and us having Noel isn't going to make this work."
"Toby." She whispered pitifully tearing up.
"Get out." I said.
"Toby?" I heard Hannah's voice from behind me I looked back at her, she was holding Noel in her arms. I didn't want them to see this fight. When Emily and I fought it always ended violently. We had conceived our son on such a night. I didn't want him to live like that.
"Hannah, can I just have a minute with her? I asked, and will you take my boy with you." She nodded kissing me softly on the lips I kissed her back tasting the lingering taste of her French vanilla chap stick. I turned back to Emily who had fire blazing in her eyes. She ran at me hitting me.
"You let her hold our son! You let that whore act as his mother." I grabbed Emily's wrists to stop the blows.
"This is why we can't be together Emily." I said pushing her away from me her back hit the counter. "We have a son to think about!" I yelled stalking up to her circling her like a lion would circle her prey. "Do you want him to grow up seeing us fight like this and treat each other like this?" I questioned.
"I don't care as long as I have you." She yelled slapping me in the face her nails scratching my cheek. I could feel blood trickle down it.
I grabbed Emily's wrists,
"Fuck you Bitch!" I yelled in her face Shaking her by her wrists.
"You're a son of a bitch Toby!" She yelled back freeing her wrists shoving me into the fridge. I screamed out in anger and slammed my fist down into the counter.
"Get out of my house, get out of my life. If you ever come back into it I'll set fire to you!"I yelled filled with rage. Emily yelled scrambling away from me,
"You wouldn't do that to me, you love me Toby. You always will." She yelled.
"Just because I'll always love you doesn't mean I'll always want you." I yelled back, "I won't let you hurt me anymore Emily. I'm done. Get out of my house. Get out now." I yelled in her face. Emily shoved me again punching me in the face. I grabbed her biceps and used all my strength to swing her small petite body onto the couch.
"Get out of my life!" I screamed in her face before getting off of her and walking towards the stairs. Emily jumped on my back trying to choke me.
"I hate you Toby Cavanaugh! I hate you so much!" She yelled I flipped her over me. She landed on her back losing her breath. I grabbed her wrist and drug her across the carpeted floor to the door and threw her outside.
"Leave me the hell alone Emily Fields. I never want to see you ever again!"
I locked the door and collapsed on the couch. I could hear Noel crying upstairs. I could hear Hannah pacing with him. I just sat there. I had finally freed myself of Emily. And it didn't hurt. It felt good. My heart didn't hurt. It was excited for the prospect of a new family a better family. Hannah came down the stairs carrying a crying Noel in her arms.
"Are you okay?" she asked concern dripping of her tongue. I nodded standing up; I took my son out of her arms he quieted instantly.
"I'm okay, we're okay. We are going to need to call the lock smith though." I joked. Hannah cracked a smile touching the scratches on my cheek gingerly.
"She did quite a number on you." I chuckled, and looked in the mirror out of the corner of my eye. I was bruised and scratched.
"I'll be fine now." I whispered kissing Hannah deeply.