Mercy
Part One
Frowning deeply at the letter she clutched firmly in one hand, Namura Meiko forced herself to take a step back from the immediate situation and try to look at it objectively. Many writers received rejection letters, she reasoned silently, but they didn't give up. Simply because one person didn't realize the worth of what she had written didn't mean she had to become discouraged and abandon the project entirely. There would be other publishers and other offers; she merely had to sit tight and wait.
Shaking her head, Meiko turned from the counter and crumpled the letter into a ball before throwing it across the room. Seeing it hit the wall and then roll under the kitchen table was far more satisfying than it should have been. Oddly serene, she pressed one hand to the small of her back and surveyed the room quickly. It wasn't perfect, but it was clean enough, and she didn't feel like getting down on her knees and scrubbing today.
There was also the fact that she was afraid she'd never get back up again if she tried. Babies had a habit of getting in the way of a woman's normal range of motion, especially when they were seven months developed.
Meiko pressed her free hand to her stomach and smiled, remembering a time thirteen years prior when she had been pregnant with her first child. That had been a frightening experience, and an unexpected one, but beautiful as well. She wouldn't trade her son for anything in the world, even though he had come along before she and Shinichi had planned. Jouichi truly was the light of her life, even if he refused to believe it, and there were times she thought she would never be able to prove it to him.
Expression falling, Meiko dropped her hands to her sides and began walking out of the kitchen. She had known as a child that raising a family was difficult, but nothing could have prepared her for having her own children. It wasn't as though she'd had an exceptional example to learn from, either; her parents hadn't been exemplary by any means, and she found that when she thought of them, it was usually to do exactly the opposite of what they had done.
Somehow, that hadn't been enough. She'd tried her hardest, but lately Jouichi had distanced himself from her, and there were often times when he would lock himself away in his room and not speak to her at all. It was frustrating, and more than once Meiko had barely restrained herself from yelling through his door until her throat was raw. She wanted in, she wanted to know what was troubling him, but he didn't trust her with it.
Thoughts of her parents and they way they'd only yelled when they'd bothered to give her any attention at all were the only things that kept her from pounding on his door until it flew inward. She was different from them, she knew; she cared about her son, and wanted to help him. Too many years of her own life had been spent living in isolation for her to be able to watch her own child do it. More than anything, she wanted to reach out to him, and have him grasp her hand as well.
But somehow, he wouldn't. And even if it took her whole life to bridge the gap between them, no matter how it had been started, she would do it without yelling. There was no yelling in her home. Even when things were rough and money was stretched tightly, Meiko refused to take her anger out on her husband or her son. Instead she internalized it, which might not have been particularly healthy for her, but at least it kept conflict from her family.
At least, thank God, it kept them from fighting all the time.
As she stepped into the living room her gaze fell on Jouichi. He was sprawled out on the carpet, gangly legs tangled in his blanket, eyes drooping but somehow restless as he scanned the area, as if for her. When their eyes met his frosted, and Meiko felt a cold hand sweep through her chest.
"Jouichi. How was school today?"
He glanced away, reaching up to drag one hand through his long honey-blonde hair. Sometimes Meiko wondered why he wore it long when so many of his classmates had theirs cropped short and above their ears. It was likely rebellion, as Yuu told her when she confided in him and Miki, and the knowledge that he knew more about her son than she did made Meiko almost inexpressibly sad. She tried to reason with herself that it was because he was a man and would understand a teenage boy better than she, but sometimes...
Sometimes, she felt like she would never understand Jouichi.
He had stretched the silence to the point where Meiko thought she would never be answered, before he responded with a quiet, "Fine."
Despite herself, Meiko felt her spirits rise. A simple 'fine' was better than nothing at all, or even worse, 'why do you care?'.
"Do you have any homework?" She asked, stepping fully into the room.
His gaze flicked to her briefly before he looked away again. "Yeah. English."
"Oh, do you need any he--"
"It's fine, mom." Rising, Jouichi kicked his blankets away and rose, avoiding looking at her as he gathered them up into his arms. "I can handle it. I'm going to a friend's house."
She could feel it again, the icy sensation spreading across her chest. Jouichi was already on the way to his room as she called, "All right. Don't stay out too late..."
Sighing, Meiko watched the door at the end of the hall close with a quiet click. She would be by herself again tonight, at least until Shinichi came home. His office hours were longer lately, and she knew that he was saving money so that they could afford a bigger house. After all, they were having another baby, and they would need more room, unless they expected Jouichi to share a room with his little sister.
It was funny. Growing up, Meiko had always wished for a small home, with parents like Miki's and a normal, everyday life. She would have given anything to be the child of two people who loved her, even if they didn't have a lot of money, and she didn't have nice things. Lately it seemed like she constantly needed more, and Shinichi wasn't making enough money to support the radical lifestyle changes they were making.
It wasn't his fault, God knew. If she could manage to publish a book, she might be able to bring in some money and help it. That seemed to be an impossibility, however; since her first book, Meiko had failed to produce anything even remotely worth reading. She could admit that to herself, but never to anyone else, especially not Shinichi. He believed in her so unfailingly that she felt like such a failure when she dropped below his expectations.
She couldn't confide in Miki, either, as she simply wouldn't hear of her best friend not being talented enough to write more novels. Miki often blamed it on the publishers and threatened to storm their offices herself. It was a good thing she had Yuu to calm her down. If not, Meiko was almost positive that she would be notorious in every publishing company in Japan.
Biting her lower lip, Meiko debated internally for a moment. What she wanted was a comforting presence, and Miki was perfect for that. She was hesitant to impose on the other woman, especially considering she had her own family to tend to, but Miki had always insisted that any time she needed to, she could visit. She hadn't been to visit lately -- in fact, hadn't even left home lately -- so it would be nice to see Miki for a while.
Having made her decision, Meiko padded softly into the kitchen and quickly wrote a message on a notepad for Shinichi, just in case she stayed long enough to miss him coming home. She was just finishing when Jouichi slipped by, and straightening, she called out a goodbye to a closed door.
Meiko gazed at the door for a long moment before deciding not to dwell on things. Jouichi knew where the key was and he would be home before nightfall. Shinichi didn't like for him to be out after dark, and though Jouichi seemed to have a problem with her, he listened to whatever his father said without question.
Shrugging her thoughts away, Meiko went through the motions of bundling into warm clothes in a detached manner, her mind already jumping to later that evening, when she would be spending time with Miki.
The air was crisp and cold when she left her house, and as she locked the door, she wondered if she should bring another scarf, just in case. However, that little thought was short-lived, as she just wanted to get out and away. It would take entirely too much time to search for another one, and by the time she got arranged and ready again, she would likely be too tired to go anywhere.
It was best to leave while she was still in the proper mindset.
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There was a lot of snow around Miki and Yuu's house. That was the first thing Meiko noticed as she made her way along the winding drive to their door. They had opted to live in a place far enough away that they would have a yard, but close enough that their children could walk to school. It was a nice place. Sometimes, Meiko envied them, and not just because their house was spacious and they had room to live.
It was for another reason entirely.
Clenching her fists at her sides, she began walking more briskly, ignoring the whisper of a voice in the back of her mind that wanted to lead her down a depressing spiral of thoughts. She wouldn't let anything spoil this evening. Tonight, she was going to have a good time visiting some old friends that she'd been neglecting for the past, oh, fifteen years.
Schooling her features into a bright smile, Meiko lifted one gloved hand and knocked rapidly a few times.
The person who opened the door was the last one she would have expected in all the world.
"M-Miwa-san?" Meiko asked, eyes widening.
For a moment, her entire world stilled, and she felt like a teenage girl again. Looking at Miwa, it wasn't difficult to make the stretch; time had done little to him. While his features were older and more angular than they had been, there was still a youthfulness to his face that she envied, and his hair still fell past his shoulders in that careless, adorable shag. He had grown a bit taller and filled his frame out more, but the same Miwa still shone through, despite his years.
Warmth spilled past him and pooled at her feet, and she could hear the sounds of a happy family come pouring from inside the house. It seemed both families were gathered as well as their children, and they were having a celebration of sorts. All at once she felt like an intruder on their happiness, and she felt that she should go. What right did she have to spoil their time together with her need to be comforted?
Her thoughts must have shown on her face. Before she could take even a step back, Miwa had reached out and grasped both her arms, smiling with no attempt to veil his happiness down into her face.
"Aki--no, Namura-san. It's good to see you."
Looking up at him, for a moment, Meiko didn't want to be Namura-san. She wanted to just be Meiko, being greeted by an old friend. Hesitating only a moment, she glanced over his shoulder, aware that her presence wasn't known by all yet, before looking back up at him and saying, "It's... I'm happy to see you again, Miwa-san. It's been too long."
He began to usher her inside. "It has, indeed. We were beginning to think Namura kept you under lock and key."
The words were spoken lightly, but they stung, and she felt color rise up into her face that wasn't a reaction to the cold. "I..."
"Don't worry," He pulled her inside and gently shut the door behind her. When he smiled at her, it was sincere and full of warmth. "No one blames you for being happy. Speaking of happy, when are you due?"
"Two months," Meiko replied, feeling a bit overwhelmed as Miwa led her across the room, talking easily as if it wasn't the first time they'd spoken since his marriage.
"Really? That's amazing. Boy or girl?"
"Girl."
"I'll bet you're ecstatic," he said, tossing her a knowing smile.
The funny thing was, somehow, she wasn't. Why wasn't she as happy as she should be?
Hormones. She blamed it entirely on her hormones. She'd felt this way when pregnant with Jouichi, too.
"Ah... yes..."
They paused just outside the doorway that would lead into the next room, where Miki, Yuu, their children, and Miwa's wife and daughter waited. Meiko felt almost nervous as she imagined their reactions. Why hadn't she called? She should have called to see if Miki had plans. That would have been the courteous thing to do.
As if sensing her thoughts, Miwa rested one hand on her arm and said gently, "They'll be more than happy to see you."
For the first time since she'd arrived, Meiko felt a little bit happy. She smiled slightly at Miwa in thanks, and then, because she hadn't heard her voice, she asked, "Where is Hikari-san?"
His expression flickered briefly once before he smiled, reaching up to rub the bridge of his nose. "Ah, I guess you haven't heard. We divorced a year and a half ago."
Mortified, both because she hadn't known that they were having problems much less divorced, and she had brought it up, Meiko opened her mouth to apologize. He surprised her by laughing.
"Don't apologize, Namura-san. You didn't know because I didn't tell you. Besides, you're among friends here," he added, an odd little smile tilting the corners of his mouth. "No one cares if you slip up every now and then."
Meiko blinked rapidly a few times, her throat tightening. She was about to reply when there was a loud shriek from the other room, followed by a clatter and a very loud, "Meiko!"
All at once, she was wrapped up in the arms of her best friend, smothered in greetings and half-coherent exclamations of joy.
Suddenly, everything seemed all right.