Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 7
EPISODE 22
Airdate: March 17, 2019
"Denise's Sister"
Special Guest Stars: Larisa Oleynik as Denise, Meredith Bishop as Danielle
#TYH720
SCENE 1
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
KG, Rodney, Trevor, and Denise are having lunch together one day.
TREVOR: So, it was about how Caucasian people are on welfare too, even more than other races. I couldn't believe it when I found out.
RODNEY: It took a documentary for you to realize that most of the people on welfare are white?
TREVOR: Rodney, "white" is a problematic term. You can call them Caucasian trash, rednecks, or honkeys, but at least be correct.
At that point, Denise gets a notification on her phone. She checks it out and sighs when she sees the results.
DENISE: Oh, no, you gotta be kidding me.
KG: What's wrong, babe?
DENISE: My big sister is coming over this weekend.
TREVOR: Your sister shouldn't judge you for using food stamps.
DENISE: I'm not on welfare, idiot. I just hate it when Danielle comes to town.
KG: Danielle? Isn't that the sister that made a pass at me that one time?
DENISE: KG, that was a dream.
KG: But it was so lifelike!
DENISE: You know what? I should just pretend that I can't have her over. Maybe she'll get a hotel or something.
TREVOR: She's going to find out about those checks at some point.
DENISE: I'm not on welfare!
RODNEY: Denise, what's wrong with your sister? I didn't even know you had one until now.
DENISE: That's because I hate talking about her. Ever since we were little, she would always get her way and treat me like crap because she had more friends and more boys gave her candy. She's never taken me seriously.
TREVOR: Well, you're dating KG. That's a fine piece of white chocolate.
Beat.
TREVOR: Unlike the rest of you, I can appreciate a good guy when I see one.
DENISE: If Danielle was here right now, she would say that KG took pity on me. Or I got lucky that he stayed around after the whoopee.
RODNEY: Wait, you guys are...
DENISE: Never, but my sister can make anything sexual.
TREVOR: Sounds like my kind of lady.
DENISE: Dream on, she's in graduate school.
TREVOR: Then she could help make a man out of me!
KG: Denise, it sounds like your sister is testing her limits. As the younger sibling, you might have to call her out on it.
DENISE: Did RK ever do that?
KG: A million times. The balance of power's never shifted, but I respect his guts.
DENISE: I guess I could try it. But doomsday's just a few days away. I wouldn't even know how to approach it.
TREVOR: Just tell Danielle that while she may not need social programs, they've helped out many people. America is so divided because nobody wants help anymore.
Beat.
DENISE: You have really nice eyelashes.
SCENE 2
The Jennings Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
KG is wearing a straw hat and overalls as he whistles "Yah Mo B There" by James Ingram. He puts on some gloves when he gets a phone call. He sighs and takes off his gloves.
KG: Every time. Every time when I wear these gloves.
KG checks to see who is calling and answers it.
KG: Hey sweetie, how are you doing on this fine Saturday?
DENISE (O.S.): Stop being so positive. Listen, I need you and the guys to come with me to meet Danielle at the airport. I have friends now, so I don't have to deal with shit like this by myself.
KG: Excuse me?
Denise sighs.
DENISE (O.S.): I have a super hot boyfriend and two mildly appealing friends now.
KG: Thank you. And this isn't like you, Denise. Why are you so scared of your sister?
DENISE (O.S.): I'm not scared, I just don't want to deal with this situation at all. I mean, would you feel comfortable talking to your mother about what you do at school?
KG: Don't make me imagine that conversation!
DENISE (O.S.): Then you get the picture.
KG: Look, Denise, even if I wanted to, I couldn't. Today's the day I was supposed to pull the weeds in my backyard. I wrote a memo to myself and everything.
DENISE (O.S.): Get RK to do it, it's not like he has to meet his sister at the airport.
KG: Yeah, because he doesn't have a si...wait, I just got that. Alright, fine, I'll be there. I just need to convince my brother to do this for me.
Cut to KG opening RK's bedroom door while he is on the computer.
KG: Bro, could you meet me in the kitchen for something important?
Cut to RK walking into the kitchen as KG stands by the back door.
RK: What's going on, man?
KG: You see our backyard out there?
RK stands on a chair and looks through the back door's screen to see the backyard covered in weeds.
RK: Yeah, it's weed central out there. Makes us look like white trash. What's the problem?
KG: That's your job this afternoon. Take those weeds, pull them out, and make our backyard look like middle class white people live here.
RK: What? This is an outrage! Why can't you do it?
KG: Well, usually, I would, but I have to be with Denise when she meets her sister at the airport. So I thought to myself, "KG, why go through it yourself? You have a younger brother that can carry the load when you don't want to."
RK: This is not how a kid is supposed to spend their Saturday, KG. I don't want to lower myself by taking part in menial labor.
KG: Oh, so, now you're too good to get those hands dirty, huh? Put some hair on your chest? You know, that's how America was built, RK. A bunch of people grinding day in and day out for no rewards. They had no choice, but they did it.
RK: Yeah, and at no point were they ever given credit for their efforts. So, what's the happy ending to this story?
KG: There isn't one. Now go change, you can't hustle outside with your inside clothes on.
RK: Fine. But I'm not watering the grass for the next three months.
KG: That's okay. It's Seattle, the grass waters itself.
RK: *mockingly* "It's Seattle, the grass waters itself."
RK walks out of the kitchen.
KG: That's a terrible impression of me! I don't sound like I own a comic book store!
SCENE 3
The Jennings Household
Exterior Backyard
Seattle, Washington
RK is in the middle of his weed pulling, wearing clothes identical to KG's. At that point, Wade comes through the back door.
WADE: Hey RK, what's going on? You're gardening now?
RK: I wish. Gardeners actually have fun. KG has to go with his little girlfriend to see his little girlfriend's little big sister at the little airport, so I had to come outside and pull weeds.
WADE: So, all five of us getting milkshakes at Ike's is out of the question?
RK: Maybe tonight. Everybody knows how nocturnal I can be.
WADE: You know, there are ways you can make this fun. You have a whole backyard at your disposal.
RK: Yeah. A backyard full of disgusting insects that would kill me if I was ever shrunk down to their size. What a prize.
WADE: I mean, there might be something buried in this yard that's valuable.
RK: Really? How do you know?
WADE: Everybody has some hidden treasure in their backyards. I watched a documentary on it last night. One guy ended up finding a secret underground passageway that led him straight to downtown Seattle, and he's making millions because his backyard is a tourist attraction now.
RK: My God. Secret passageways? Millions? Eager tourists? Wade, you better count me out for those milkshakes. I'm going to rip up and tear down every inch of this backyard until I find some treasure.
WADE: You know, there is a strong chance you could find nothing. Besides, you should probably check in with KG first.
RK: You sound like one of those cereal commercials when they ask kids to check out their website. Don't hype me up just to tear me down, Wade. I hate mind games!
SCENE 4
SeaTac International Airport
Interior Terminal
SeaTac, Washington
KG, Rodney, Trevor, and Denise are seated in the terminal while they wait for Danielle.
TREVOR: She better be hot. That's all I want out of this.
DENISE: Why? Why would you want my sister to be hot?
TREVOR: Well, if she's been terrorizing you all these years, that will be the reason. You can't beat good looks, Denise.
KG: Ignore him. But seriously, Denise, you're kinda freaking me out with this whole Danielle thing.
RODNEY: Yeah, did she beat you up a lot? Turn your parents against you, that kind of thing?
DENISE: It wasn't that intense, but she was just always obsessed with being better than me. If a boy liked me, she would get in that boy's head and keep him from talking to me again.
TREVOR: Did you at least try beating her up?
DENISE: Once or twice. The second time, she almost broke my arm.
TREVOR: Well, you're bigger now. Try it again and really test her gangsta.
Rodney shakes his head and covers his face in his hat. At that point, Danielle walks up to the guys.
DANIELLE: Well, how about this? Denise with three guys. Which one of you gets the first turn on her?
DENISE: Yeah, guys, my big sister Danielle.
TREVOR: I don't care about anything else. I got what I wanted.
SCENE 5
The Fletcher Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later on, the Fletcher sisters walk into the living room while KG, Rodney, and Trevor carry Danielle's bags inside.
DANIELLE: Okay, this is nice. A little cheesy, but you can't help your decorating skills.
DENISE: It feels great that you can actually compliment me on something.
DANIELLE: What?
DENISE: I said what I said.
RODNEY: Ugh, her whole lifetime wardrobe must be in these bags.
KG: I know. Did she pack rocks in here?
TREVOR: Doubt it. You could go to jail for putting rocks in your luggage. And the TSA's never missed.
KG: *to Rodney* I feel like giving up on him every single day.
RODNEY: You're not alone. So, Danielle, you're planning on staying here all week?
DANIELLE: That's right. My baby sister's been missing me, so I need to keep an eye on her. So, Denise, which one of these cuties is your boyfriend?
DENISE: It's KG. I told you that three times in the car.
DANIELLE: You kept saying "KG" like I was supposed to know. You can't even send me pictures of him before I visit?
KG: What's up? I'm KG. For the third time today.
TREVOR: So who were you before? Rodney?
KG and Rodney give Trevor annoyed looks.
DANIELLE: Yeah, you finally made the right call picking a guy, sis. Okay, now, I'm going to get settled and then we can start our week of fun. You boys are welcome to stay for dinner.
DENISE: *to the guys* Please stay for dinner.
KG: I think we can stay for dinner.
RODNEY: Yeah, why not?
TREVOR: You can dress nice and cook? Please marry me.
DANIELLE: Sorry, sport, call me in ten years. Besides, it's important I cook for my sister. I mean, if she's packing on pounds, it reflects badly on me.
DENISE: Of course it does.
SCENE 6
The Fletcher Household
Interior Dining Room
Seattle, Washington
Later on, the guys are eating the dinner Danielle prepared. There is an awkward silence until KG clears his throat.
KG: You know, daylight savings time is back. How blessed are we to have the sun stay out longer?
TREVOR: Dude, when it's daylight savings time, the sun goes down quicker like on Thanksgiving. And after all the crap you give me, honestly...
DANIELLE: Seriously, what's wrong with him?
DENISE: I'm pretty sure his mother lit up a couple joints when he was in her belly.
RODNEY: So, Danielle, you're a grad student. Sounds pretty cool.
DANIELLE: Oh, hon, let me tell you right now that it's not all that TV cracks it up to be. Mountains of homework, constant studying, students that are just along for the ride and barely talk in class. It's awful. You shouldn't commit to it unless you're built for it. Okay, Denise?
DENISE: What?
DANIELLE: What?
DENISE: Why did you just say, "Okay, Denise?" What were you implying with your question?
DANIELLE: Nothing, I was just saying that you need to have it in you to make it in grad school. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. But if you make it to grad school and you burn out, that reflects badly on me.
DENISE: What makes you think I don't have what it takes to survive it?
DANIELLE: Look, you're obviously insecure about it. Sorry for pushing your buttons.
DENISE: No, stand by what you said. I have dreams and ambition. I can make it in grad school just like you.
RODNEY: What would you study there?
DENISE: I don't know. Photography, screenwriting, German yoga? I'm kinda tired, I'm going upstairs.
Denise leaves the table and walks out of the room.
DANIELLE: She shouldn't feel bad about not having it. Shit happens.
KG: I don't like seeing Denise like this.
RODNEY: She'll be okay. After all, it's only a week.
TREVOR: Alright, guys, you know the drill. Denise's mac and cheese on my plate, stat.
KG and Rodney give Trevor looks of disgust.
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The following Monday, the kids are eating together.
RK: I'm telling you, that backyard is a gold mine just waiting to be exposed. I already got some rocks that are good for skipping at Bear Lake, an Alabama state quarter from 1985, and these bad boys.
RK drops an open bag of nacho cheese Doritos on the table.
SPARKY: I don't get it. What am I looking at?
RK: Doritos fresh for the taking. These got buried weeks ago.
Everybody groans in disgust.
JAYLYNN: You're nasty.
RK: Everybody has their opinions. But you know what this means?
JAYLYNN: It means you're nasty as hell?
RK: No. It means that...
JAYLYNN: You're some kind of nasty damn kid, aren't you? Eating your nasty chips? Quit being nasty.
Beat.
RK: Anyway, it means that I'm within spitting distance of that treasure. I could dig another hole and discover a tunnel that leads to the other side of the planet. I could be in Hong Kong by nightfall.
SPARKY: Come on, RK. Don't you think your expectations are a little too high?
RK: No, they're pretty normal by my standards. Besides, this time, I have scientific verification. Ask Wade and that documentary he saw.
WADE: Hey, don't bring science into something where it can't represent itself. And yes, the documentary was true, but that doesn't mean you're going to find diamonds and a treasure chest buried in your backyard.
RK: But I could?
WADE: Yes, you could, but...
RK: Then that's all I need to know.
BUSTER: I want to dig up my yard and see what I can find. I don't think the other tenants will care. Not like they earn their keep working outside anyway.
RK: Oh, no. I don't need anybody else cutting in on my hustle. I'm the one that chose to find riches in my backyard, and I'm the only one who can do it.
JAYLYNN: I bet you're scared we'll find more stuff than you can.
RK: No way.
SPARKY: No, Jaylynn makes sense. You think you're better than us, don't you?
BUSTER: I knew it!
RK: I just don't want you guys to run with my original idea. But if you really think you can do better, then I'm challenging all of you to a dig-off. We all grab a shovel and hunt in our yards for secret passageways and untold riches. Whoever gets the most stuff wins.
JAYLYNN: Oh, it's on now.
WADE: A dig-off? Dude, you can't be serious.
RK: Look, if it's too much work for you, you can always sit this one out. Leave it up to the professionals.
Beat.
WADE: You just signed your own death certificate. It's on.
SCENE 8
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
KG, Rodney, and Trevor are at their lockers.
TREVOR: And that's why I think eating raw cookie dough should be a federal crime.
At that point, Denise walks up to the guys.
DENISE: Is there a way that I could die for a couple days and just come back to life afterwards?
RODNEY: Finally, somebody with an actual problem.
KG: Danielle's really giving you a hard time, huh?
DENISE: You don't know the half of it. Every time we're near each other, she just has to be catty and say something passive aggressive to me. And she knows what she's doing, which is why she's always like, "Not that I'm getting at you." You're damn right you're getting at me, shut up before I punch you in the f***ing face.
TREVOR: Denise, no offense, but Danielle's not even here. Wait, is she?
DENISE: This is hell. I can't last a couple more days. Why couldn't I have just been a weird only child like Trevor?
TREVOR: That's so sweet.
KG: I'm telling you, Denise, you have to stand up to Danielle. Let her know she's bothering you and she'll back down.
DENISE: Oh yeah, right. What an innovative idea, KG. Stand up to my lifelong bully that can't get it through her thick skull that I don't like her. Why didn't I think of that?
KG: See, this is the kind of shit that I told you I wouldn't stand for when we first started going out.
RODNEY: KG's right, Denise. You can't sit here and complain about what your sister does when you're not doing anything to change it. She probably pushes you around because you let her.
DENISE: Please. Danielle's a bitch, but she's not some kind of criminal mastermind.
KG: My boy Rodney speaks the truth. I come from a long line of older siblings. At some point, the younger sibling grows a set of balls and demands respect. The time's come for you to show your balls, sweetie.
DENISE: I don't think so.
KG: Believe me, I know this stuff. The next time Danielle starts some shit, you have to let her know you won't stand for it. You have to beat her down until she gets the message. And if she's testy, you let her know that we all piss and shit the same way. She wanted this, now it's time for her to deal with the consequences.
DENISE: You know what? You're right, KG. Danielle's gonna get it. I can't let her keep ruining my life.
TREVOR: Hey, if you do whoop your sister's ass, could you send her my way so I can comfort her?
DENISE: Trevor, she's nearly twice your age.
TREVOR: I'm 14, man. If what you said made sense, Danielle would have to be almost 200. You're so stupid.
SCENE 9
The Saltalamacchia Household
Exterior Backyard
Seattle, Washington
Wade is aggressively digging a hole in his backyard.
WADE: Come on, there's gotta be something spellbinding in here. A dinosaur skeleton, a battle axe. An old magazine from the seventies. Anything!
At that point, Adriana walks through the back door.
ADRIANA: Hey Wade, what are you trying to bury?
WADE: Nothing.
ADRIANA: Are you kidding me? Dude, if you want a dog so bad, just get one. He'll do this in half the time.
WADE: I don't know what I said for you to think that. Look, RK challenged all of us to a dig-off and I have to find something valuable. I'm not coming in last place.
ADRIANA: What if you can't find anything? What if it doesn't matter because you tried?
WADE: What if I told you to leave for spreading a negative aroma in the area? Look, I can't stop until I find some treasure, or at least something that looks like treasure so I can fool everybody.
ADRIANA: You could buy some imitation diamond earrings and pretend you found them.
WADE: Hmmmm, that sounds diabolical. Nah, I don't think so. I need to prioritize personal pride when it comes to this.
ADRIANA: So, just to make sure, we're not going to the movies?
WADE: I don't know. Are you going to help me dig more holes?
ADRIANA: No.
WADE: Then I guess we're both going to have a long night.
SCENE 10
The Fletcher Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Denise and Danielle are watching TV later that night.
DANIELLE: Man, what is with these commercials today? They're always showing these really beautiful girls advertising products. Not everybody looks like that.
DENISE: These commercials have been around for years. Are you new?
DANIELLE: I don't watch TV like that, I have better things to do. But you know, we're different people.
DENISE: Okay, now, what does that mean?
DANIELLE: What are you talking about?
DENISE: You know what I'm talking about, you jackass. What do you mean by we're different people? I can't enjoy watching TV because it will make me some nerdy loser with no friends?
DANIELLE: I never said any of that, but if you're projecting, I can't...
Denise stands up from her seat.
DENISE: No, shut the hell up. I've had enough of you, Danielle. You make my blood pressure go all the way up any time you're here and I'm sick of it. If you have something to say to me, say it.
DANIELLE: I think you might want to sit back down before something happens.
DENISE: I don't think so. You think you can walk all over me, but I piss and shit just like you.
DANIELLE: How would you know the way I piss and shit?
DENISE: I can't do this. It's like talking to a brick wall. A brick wall that at least has nice clothes.
Denise begins to go upstairs.
DANIELLE: Yeah, I'm glad you came to your senses before you had to get hurt.
DENISE: Here's the thing, though. I didn't.
Denise pulls Danielle over the couch and begins attacking her, but Danielle overpowers her and gets her in a headlock. The two wrestle for a brief period until Denise takes Danielle down and lands a punch. Danielle then tosses Denise halfway across the floor.
DENISE: Alright, alright, that's it! I can't take this anymore. I don't want you anywhere near me.
DANIELLE: I'm here for the rest of the week!
DENISE: Then any hotel in the city will take you! I've had enough, so either you go or I go.
Denise and Danielle stare each other down intensely. Cut to the doorbell being rung at the Jennings house and KG walking up to answer it. He looks through the peephole, then opens the door to reveal Denise holding bags.
DENISE: Yeah, can we be roommates for a while?
The "Let It Roll" instrumental plays briefly in the background as KG is confused by the sudden turn of events.
SCENE 11
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The scene continues where the last one left off, with Denise at the front door.
KG: Wait a minute. So Danielle beat you in a fight and then she kicked you out of your own house?
DENISE: No, I fought Danielle and I made the personal decision to leave the house until she goes back to the cave she crawled out of. I know it sounds like the other way around, but I stood my ground.
KG: Yeah, you can't stay here.
DENISE: What? Are you kidding me? You should be happy. Now you have a live-in girlfriend.
KG: While that's been my fantasy since the seventh grade, I don't want to get in the middle of this war between you and your sister. You need to go back home and make peace with her.
DENISE: That's cute. Especially after you had to gas me up with all that talk about standing up to Danielle and flashing my balls in her face.
KG: What?
DENISE: You said a lot of things, KG. Look, the point is, I was fine dealing with her for the week and complaining about it to you and the guys. But since you technically started all this, that makes you partly responsible.
KG: Responsible?!
DENISE: Partly responsible. It was good advice, baby, you just couldn't have seen this coming.
KG: Well, I guess if it's only for a few days, you could stay here. I just don't want Danielle coming after me.
DENISE: Relax, she's not going to do anything while I'm here. Yup, I guess she didn't realize her little sister had more fight in her than she thought.
KG: Seriously, did she...
DENISE: That fight had no winners!
SCENE 12
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day at school, the five kids walk to their lockers without saying anything. They all look annoyed with each other as they open their lockers and start sorting through books.
BUSTER: Wait a minute, why am I putting books in my locker?
RK: Okay, this is ridiculous. Right about now, I'm sure all of us have found something really cool and exciting. We just don't want to say anything.
SPARKY: So that includes you?
RK: You know it includes me. I'm cleaning up at home. By the time I'm done, I might just uncover the lost city of Atlantis.
WADE: But Atlantis is underwater.
RK: So? It'll just be covered in mud when I find it. Simple.
BUSTER: Pssst, Jaylynn. What did you find in your yard so far?
RK: Do you understand the concept of whispering?
BUSTER: I understand the concept of chubby kids listening to private conversation.
RK: Hey, most of this weight is from before you moved out! You did this to me!
SPARKY: I don't trust these two, RK. I bet it's a conspiracy.
BUSTER: No, it's not. I just want to know what Jaylynn got so I can get something better.
WADE: I do find it interesting that you asked Jaylynn before any of us.
SPARKY: Yeah, what's up with that?
RK: We all know the boy worships Jaylynn, it's no surprise. He probably has a shrine to her made out of gum in his closet like on Hey Arnold.
BUSTER: That's unsanitary.
JAYLYNN: And he doesn't worship me. Besides, what's wrong with worshipping me?
RK: You want one particular reason or the reason that stands out next to all the other reasons?
JAYLYNN: You know, ever since you announced this dig-off, you've been smug as f***, huh? Well, let me tell you something, child, you're not winning.
WADE: That's right. Because to the victor goes the spoils, and that will be me.
SPARKY: Maybe I want the spoils. You ever thought about that?
WADE: If you want them, come and take them.
BUSTER: Look, if spoiled food is the prize, fine by me. I'm going to find all the gemstones and gold coins in my yard. I'll even find those chocolate coins with gold wrappers if I can.
RK: Those aren't valuable.
BUSTER: Oh yes, they are. Name one person that wouldn't want to eat one.
RK: Well, me, because I hate those things.
Beat. Buster slaps RK and then runs away, causing RK to chase after him.
RK: You're dead, Newman!
Beat. Jaylynn, Sparky, and Wade stare at each other, then close their lockers and walk away angrily in separate directions while grunting.
SCENE 13
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
KG walks into the house and sees Denise watching TV.
DENISE: Hey cuteness, how was your day at school?
KG: Exactly how it was when you were in school with me. How did you make it home before me?
DENISE: That's so sweet. I made it "home" before you. I feel so welcome.
KG: Yeah, but that still doesn't...because, you see, we left at the same...you know what, it's not important. I'm just going to grab a Pepsi and go work on my new act upstairs.
DENISE: Sorry, man, that Pepsi's gone.
KG: You drank the Pepsi I had my name on?
DENISE: I was figuring I could make it up to you.
KG: Oh, please don't make it up to me. Then I won't be irritated anymore.
Cut to KG walking through the back door with lipstick marks all over his face. He walks up to RK digging yet another hole in the yard.
KG: Man, how many holes can you dig? This is madness.
RK: Is it madness, big bro? Or is it pure insanity?
KG: It could be both. Remember, you made it sound worse.
RK: Whatever. This is what happens when you don't take care of your responsibilities, KG. You can't reap the benefits. By the time I'm done, I'll have people lining up to see my brand new underground passageway.
KG: Yeah. It's fun to have unrealistic expectations. Look, I need to talk to you about Denise.
RK: You mean, the fact that she got in a big fight with her sister and she's staying here for the next couple days?
KG: How did you know that?
RK: She told me. I didn't even initiate the conversation. I was in the garage polishing my shovel and she felt the need to tell me that.
KG: Oh. Well, do you care at all? Because I don't want her to drag you into her business.
RK: No, it's cool. I'm so focused on winning this dig-off, I don't have time to worry about anything else.
KG: Ugh, I wish I could be ten years old again. Back when I didn't have to worry about girls.
RK: But I have a girlfriend and I'm ten.
KG: Yeah, but your relationship is like, what? A little trip to McDonald's and a kiss on the cheek on Valentine's Day?
RK: Who told you what we did on Valentine's Day? Was it Jaylynn? I swear, this is why I can't trust that girl with my personal life.
Beat.
KG: If you end up losing your little contest, please don't try burying me.
SCENE 14
("Young G's" by Puff Daddy featuring Jay-Z and The Notorious B.I.G. plays in the background)
A montage shows the kids digging various holes in their backyards. The kids look hopelessly tired as they continue their work over the course of various hours. At one point, Wade is shown dressed similarly to an archaeologist, and finds a large dinosaur bone that he pulls out of the dirt after hearing a clink with his shovel. Wade then begins cleaning it with a brush, but when the scene dissolves, it shows Wade pretending to clean an imaginary bone with an imaginary brush, causing Adriana to slowly close the back door after witnessing it. After digging her hole, Jaylynn takes a look inside to see what she finds, and runs away screaming into the house after her discovery. Meanwhile, Buster is trying to dig near a large weed, but it keeps getting in his face, which causes him to try using the shovel to saw off the top of the weed. The shovel does not work, so Buster shrugs and then walks right into the weed, prompting it to push Buster back and drop him on his backside on the ground. Sparky is shown mumbling to himself as he lays on the ground, exhausted from all his digging. Meanwhile, RK's rigorous digging has caused him to finally find something: A pair of sunglasses.
SCENE 15
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
KG, Rodney, and Trevor are all near their lockers.
KG: Guys, what am I gonna do? Denise has only been at my house a few days and already, my life is hell.
RODNEY: Man, really? What's she doing, bossing you around? Telling you what you can and can't eat?
KG: Nope, doesn't have to. She's always there. Everywhere. Whenever I want to watch TV, she's watching it. Whenever I feel like taking a morning shower, she's in there. And since we go to school together, it's like I see her every minute of every hour of every day.
TREVOR: Poor widdle KG being afraid of commitment. Look, Denise is counting on you to be there for her. She deserves the best, so as a man, you need to stand by your woman.
KG: Singing Denise's praises when she's not even here won't help you get closer to her sister!
TREVOR: Maybe it could. Try putting in a good word for me.
RODNEY: Has she even spoken to Danielle lately?
KG: No, it's been quiet ever since the fight. She doesn't even want to speak Danielle's name.
RODNEY: This is crap. After Danielle leaves, Denise is still going to feel the same way she did before. Then nothing will change.
KG: You're right. I think that's what I love about being brothers with RK. We can always go to each other when we need help and talk about our problems.
TREVOR: Do you bake snickerdoodles and sing Kacey Musgraves songs too?
KG: Don't be upset because you'll never have what I have. Wait a minute. Rod, that's it. I know a way that I can stop Denise from smothering me and have her and Danielle make peace.
RODNEY: How?
KG: With a classic game of manipulation. We trick Danielle into thinking Denise is sorry about everything, and we do the same with Denise. They both want to make things right, then when they find out we were behind it, they'll realize how stupid they're being and make up.
RODNEY: You really think that will work?
KG: It has to. Because if it doesn't, I might lose my mind and hit Denise in the head with a stick. And you don't want to see me with a stick in my hand.
TREVOR: You know what works for me? A rack of ribs smothered in gravy and hot sauce.
Beat.
TREVOR: What? When people say smother, I think about food.
SCENE 16
The Fletcher Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
After school, the boys have decided to confront Danielle first.
DANIELLE: Denise wants to apologize? Why doesn't she just come and see me?
KG: Danielle, please. You and I know your sister better than anyone. She's full of pride and emotion. She can't just tell you that she did something wrong. She has to wait until the mood is right.
TREVOR: Yeah, she has to wait until the mood is right, Danielle. So, here's what you do. You go over to KG's place, laugh at Denise's jokes, smile a lot. Then in the middle of the dinner, you just take off your clothes to reveal your thong.
RODNEY: Dude, what the f*** are you doing?
TREVOR: I was just...
KG: No, I've had enough of you today. Go home. Just go home. We'll take care of this on our own, but you just go home right now.
TREVOR: I don't want to.
KG: Okay, I'm going to close my eyes and when I open them, I don't want to see you or I'm going to beat the living shit out of you. I'm closing them right now.
TREVOR: Oh no, he's serious!
Trevor runs out of the house.
KG: These children. Look, Danielle, you think you can make things right with Denise over some dinner at my place?
DANIELLE: I guess. I owe it to my sister to be the bigger person and show her what true maturity looks like. If I don't, it reflects badly on the both of us.
KG: Yeah, all of that. See you at eight.
KG and Rodney leave the house.
KG: This is going to be a slam dunk, man. Danielle's coming over, we make Denise think it's to apologize, and it's smooth sailing.
RODNEY: What do you think's gonna happen when they find out about the plan?
KG: They won't be too mad. After all, we did it for family. And family is one of the most...dude, what are you looking at so hard?
RODNEY: I think that's Trevor. Is he crying in his car?
KG: Yeah, I bet he is. Come on, let's go before he sees us.
SCENE 17
The MacDougal Household
Exterior Backyard
Seattle, Washington
That same afternoon, the five kids are all in a circle with their respective shovels.
SPARKY: Well, the time has come, guys. It's time for the results of our dig-off.
RK: The dig-off was my idea. How come we're not doing this at my place?
SPARKY: Hey, you got to come up with it. Let me be the host, that's my thing!
BUSTER: Enough with the chitter chatter. I've got a Cousins for Life rerun that I need to catch.
RK: Well, as the brainchild of this idea, the architect of the concept, if you will, I present to you my findings.
RK pulls out the pair of sunglasses from his paper bag.
JAYLYNN: That's it? A doofy pair of sunglasses from freaking Walgreens?!
RK: These aren't from Walgreens. They're genuine expensive material. For all we know, these could be made by Gucci or Louis Vuitton.
SPARKY: More like Gucky or Louie Vittin.
JAYLYNN: Dude, those frames are on sale right now for eight dollars apiece.
RK: You're a dirty liar. You sit there with your lies, and you feel proud. How can you sleep at night knowing you're such a liar?
WADE: She's telling the truth, man.
RK: I can't believe this. I'm a joke. No, worse than that. I'm a failure. A living, breathing failure.
BUSTER: Hey, don't talk like that, RK. You tried your best. If I was a teacher, I would give you a gold star on the spot.
RK: Oh yeah, excellence in participation, the most useless prize in the world next to free keychains.
BUSTER: Just for that, I would take back the gold star.
RK: I dug and dug for days and found nothing. Sure, I have more focus and I almost got an A on my science test because of how alert I am, but none of that's cooler than an underground passageway or a chain made out of diamonds.
JAYLYNN: You know what? Maybe I shouldn't have called those sunglasses doofy.
RK: No, you had every right. The last place finisher deserves it.
JAYLYNN: No, he doesn't, especially not when he actually found something.
RK: Heh?
JAYLYNN: I searched that whole damn backyard looking for something cool to show you guys, and there was nothing. I almost got close with a rock shaped like America, but it was just another stupid clump of dirt.
WADE: I actually considered buying something and pretending I found it. What in the Lord's name happened to my morals?
SPARKY: The only thing I found was a way to come up with bootleg names for established brands.
BUSTER: What about Burberry?
SPARKY: Boobry.
BUSTER: Prada?
SPARKY: Prodro.
BUSTER: Monday Night RAW?
SPARKY: Bullshit. But I've had that one saved up for months, so not even that's new.
WADE: I guess we all came up short in the end.
BUSTER: What about me?
JAYLYNN: You found something, Buster?
BUSTER: No, I just didn't get the chance to be ashamed of myself like the rest of you. Now, I'm going to have to wait until the next time we do something like this.
RK: I guess the lesson here is that watching documentaries has never done anything for anybody.
WADE: To be fair, that guy really did have a secret passageway in his yard.
RK: He was just the success story. I hate when the media pulls crap like that.
JAYLYNN: So now, what do we do? Give up digging for good?
Beat.
SPARKY: Wait a minute. Sanna's backyard is huge. And she's loaded.
WADE: You're right. We could find so many riches, we won't know what to do with them.
JAYLYNN: Like gold-plated socks?
SPARKY: Or keys to a fancy sports car?
BUSTER: Or a whole pack of digestive biscuits covered with chocolate in the back?
RK: My friends, I think I know what we have to do.
RK picks up his shovel.
RK: CHARGE!
The kids scream as they raise their shovels and run out of the backyard to head to Sanna's place.
SCENE 18
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Rodney walks up to KG as he checks himself in the mirror.
RODNEY: K, you really think this will work? We might end up getting round two of that catfight if we're not careful.
KG: Don't worry, man. This dinner is foolproof. We gave both of them a reason to see each other. I'm pretty sure that after a little conversation, they won't be able to stop themselves from getting closer.
KG and Rodney walk into the dining room where Denise is setting the last plate.
KG: Is everything set?
DENISE: Pretty much. And KG, I just want to thank you for talking to Danielle for me. I've waited years for her to apologize for something and thanks to you, I finally get to see it.
KG: Well, thanks, but it was really the work of me and Rodney.
DENISE: Really? Thanks to you too, Rodney.
RODNEY: No problem.
KG: Wait, why are there five seats?
DENISE: Trevor's not coming?
KG: No, he wasn't feeling well.
DENISE: You sent him home again, didn't you?
KG: Somebody had to.
SCENE 19
The Jennings Household
Interior Dining Room
Seattle, Washington
Similar to the first dinner, there is an awkward silence as KG, Rodney, Denise, and Danielle eat. KG looks at Rodney and then clears his throat.
KG: So, how about those Republicans? I mean, will they ever get Trump under control or do they need to refill his sippy cup?
RODNEY: Is that a joke for your next routine?
KG: It was a first draft joke. I just wanted to test it in the room.
DENISE: So, Danielle, I just want to say that this whole thing has been so stupid.
DANIELLE: Dumb as hell, you might say.
DENISE: Right, dumb as hell. I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but you coming here shows me that our fight the other day meant something to you. It meant that you realized just how much you hurt me and you want to fix that.
DANIELLE: Pardon me?
DENISE: Don't worry about it, Danielle. You don't have to pretend anymore. I know how you really feel.
DANIELLE: Okay, I've seen guys snort coke off their own chest, and not even that's as weird as what's going on here.
DENISE: What are you talking about? The guys said that you're here to apologize for treating me so badly.
DANIELLE: Funny, because they came to me and said to come over because you wanted to apologize for being an immature brat.
DENISE: I never said that.
DANIELLE: Well, I never had any plans to apologize.
The Fletcher sisters give KG and Rodney dirty looks.
RODNEY: I was wrong. They're not gonna fight each other, they're gonna team up and fight us.
KG: Hey, working together shows progress, doesn't it?
DENISE: What's going on here?
DANIELLE: Yeah, someone better explain.
KG: Alright, you want the truth? You want the honest truth? The truth is, you two need to suck it up already and talk to each other about your problems.
DENISE: She doesn't listen to anything I say.
DANIELLE: Right, like I'm supposed to read your mind when you keep everything to yourself.
KG: Silence! Now, Danielle, your sister's tired of you looking down on her all the time. You're supposed to be her protector, the person that looks out for her when things get rough. How does it feel knowing she never likes seeing you, and she had to leave her own house just because she felt sick being around you?
DANIELLE: I didn't know that.
DENISE: Yeah, you didn't, because the only person you care about is yourself.
RODNEY: Alright, that's it. Denise, don't you think that if you had told your sister how much she bothered you a long time ago, you wouldn't have this problem? The only reason Danielle acts like she does is because you let it go on. You can't spend your life having her punk you out.
DANIELLE: Wow, I was thinking almost the exact same thing you just said.
RODNEY: Okay, great.
KG: You know what? Rodney and I did our job. Now, it's time for you two to figure things out.
KG and Rodney get up from the table and leave the dining room.
DANIELLE: So, you really hate being around me?
DENISE: Yeah, I do. That's why I let you have the house. If you weren't leaving, I wasn't staying.
DANIELLE: i can't believe this. I never wanted you to feel this way about me.
DENISE: Well, what choice did I have? You never wanted me to be better than you. When I was going through my awkward stage, all you did was talk about how it never happened to you so you couldn't relate. KG was one of the first guys I felt comfortable liking because I didn't have to pretend to be someone else around him. You made it seem like I was disgusting and worthless.
DANIELLE: Oh my God. You're right. I've been treating you like shit for years and I'm just now noticing it? How stupid can I be?
DENISE: You're not stupid. Stupid people don't get straight A's for years, admitted to Stanford on their first try, and a spot in grad school.
DANIELLE: Yeah, but I had to work at it for a long time. When I was younger, none of my teachers thought I had what it took to be a good student, so I told myself I would get better grades just to prove them wrong. It wasn't because I was smart.
DENISE: Can't you give yourself some credit?
DANIELLE: Kinda, but it doesn't matter. Denise, I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I hated you. I don't know why I spent all these years tearing you down when I could have been there for you. If I actually paid more attention, you would have been happy to see me these last few visits.
DENISE: I think this is really my fault. I never had the confidence to tell you this because I didn't think you would listen. And I was insecure for a long time, so whenever I thought about telling you, I psyched myself out and said it wasn't worth it.
DANIELLE: That has to change. If I'm this bad, I want you to tell me. I don't want us to be like those families that always fight and only see each other on holidays. And even on holidays, they're just counting down the hours until it's over.
DENISE: Yeah, I hear ya. It's time for me to come back home.
DANIELLE: Please. I don't want to leave without spending some time with you.
Denise and Danielle smile at each other, then they hug. KG and Rodney watch the whole thing from behind the wall of the dining room.
RODNEY: You know what that is, KG? Our work. We brought those two closer together.
KG: It's true. We helped those ladies see that as long as you have your family, life is a little bit better.
At that point, RK opens the front door and walks in limping. His clothes are ripped up, his hair is messy, his shoes are missing, and he has noticeable scratches on his face and arms. KG and Rodney look shocked as RK turns around to address them.
RK: Evening, gents.
KG: What the hell happened to you?!
RK: Me and the guys went digging in Sanna's yard looking for riches, but we forgot to ask permission. Long story short, it got heated, a rake was thrown, and Buster's not talking to Wade for a whole week.
Beat.
KG: Okay.
SCENE 20
Craig Bartlett Junior High School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The guys are eating lunch together the next day.
KG: So, Denise, you and your sister doing okay?
DENISE: Yeah, way better than before. It's not perfect, but we're going to stop leaving everything unsaid. It's not healthy for either one of us.
RODNEY: You know, I have an older brother. He's not around a whole lot, but the next time he's in Seattle, we could chill with him.
KG: That's great. I love getting to know you guys' families.
Trevor gets a notification from his phone. His eyes widen and a big smile appears on his face.
TREVOR: YES!
DENISE: What's going on, Trevor?
TREVOR: My cousin Ronnie is flying in from Albuquerque next week. You guys have to meet him, he's just like me.
Beat.
KG: And it's the same damn week I'll be out the country?
Cut to black.
("Next Time" by Gang Starr plays over the end credits)
©2019 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS