Do you know what's worth fighting for - when it's not worth dying for?

Does it take your breath away and you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride and you look for a place to hide?

When you're at the end of the road and you lost all sense of control; your thoughts have taken their toll

when your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass and the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last, you're in ruins

When it's time to live and let die and you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died

you're in ruins

CHAPTER 1

It always seemed to rain when bad things happened, or were going to happen – an omen, perhaps an apology for the events taken place. How any sane person could find it soothing or beautiful was beyond her; it only seemed to cause her body to ache, almost to an annoying state. Stretching hurt, moving hurt, breathing hurt...

...Being alive hurt..

Rain only seemed to bring her darkest thoughts to the front of her mind, the memories of a bitter past clawing their way back up to the surface like hungry zombies. She couldn't run from them, but pushing and locking them in the back of her mind seemed to help keep her mental state stable enough. There were far more important tasks at hand – tasks that involved the lives of others. If she was stuck on what had already passed, how could she ever hope to save the future?

The pitter-patter of rain drops hitting the roof almost concealed the shuffling of sheets behind her, but her keen senses caught the movement quickly. Turning her head ever slightly, she watched silently as the man in the bed began to stir and groan. He must have felt the pain of the rain as well.

She gently closed the book she hadn't been reading and stood from her chair in front of the window. Putting on a kind smile, she walked to the man's bedside, his one uncovered eye looking at her in wonder.

"Welcome back."

"W-Where am I? What happened?" The man questioned wearily.

She frowned but proceeded to lift his head ever so slightly to give him a sip of water for his inevitably dry throat. "They said there had been a fight between you soldiers and some street thugs. You seem to have sustained the most damage, I'm afraid."

He gave a brief nod, "I see."

"You're lucky I was still in the area," she continued with a sigh. "The medics here are more talk than anything. They were ready to leave you for dead."

The man's unbandaged eye widened. "Then everyone else...?!"

"Awake, moving, and back on duty as of last week."

"Have I had any visitors?"

"I have been watching you closely," she responded lightly, avoiding the direct question. "I have asked for there to be no visitors, you've needed constant rest and care."

He seemed to accept the lie in relief.

"How are you feeling – any intense pain anywhere?" she put a hand to his forehead.

He shook his head. "No, not too bad honestly."

She nodded, albeit a bit disbelievingly. Men were always trying to act tougher than they actually were. "Allow me to get you some food, you must be famished."

The soldier grabbed her arm as she was walking away, a small blush on his cheeks. "May I ask your name, miss?"

She smiled. "Adelina Smith."

"T-The Angel of L-Life?!"

"That nickname is growing tiresome," she sighed, flipping a long blonde braid over her shoulder. "I do my duty as a medic, and I am treated as some god."

"Miss Adelina?" A voice interrupted from the doorway,

Humming in response, she set her gaze on the two young men standing in front of her. Both held copper hair, matching brown eyes, and freckles along their noses. "Squad leader Owen has sent a messenger and letter for you, he says its urgent."

"I see," she replied solemnly, knowing all too well that bad news was among them. "Please watch over my patient, and make sure he is given proper care while I am gone."

They simultaneously saluted. "Yes ma'am!"

Closing the door behind her, Adelina took a seat behind her desk and folded her hands neatly on the smooth wooden surface. Her green eyes remained on the young soldier in front of her, whom looked just about ready to urinate in his trousers. "I'm slightly offended... Does my appearance scare you enough to quiver in your boots?"

The man straightened his spine and widened his eyes as a flush came to his face. "N-No! Not at all!" He waved his arms in front of him animatedly, "It's just, I'm sitting in front of you...and you're, well, you."

"Me?" she raised an eyebrow, holding in a smirk that was creeping through.

"Uh, Commander Smith's sister, and Captain Owen's apprentice, and medic...and-"

"I'm just teasing," she laughed, waving her hand in dismissal. "I'm nothing special, it is all titles, really. Speak to me as an equal, I'm not some horrid higher-up that will make you run laps for breathing incorrectly."

The soldier let out a large breath of air. He had been holding his breath this entire time, she thought with a mental sigh.

Clearing his throat, he reached into his pocket and revealed a letter from within. He set it softly in front of her hands as the room grew cold with seriousness. This is what he had come here to do. She ripped the official seal with a letter opener and began to scan the words etched into the paper. Her brow furrowed with each passing moment, and after completing the first letter, she picked up the second, only to smash it between her fist in anger.

17 soldiers...17 lives lost – lives that I could have saved. Erwin, you idiot! What were you thinking sending so many into unchartered territory?!

"M-Ma'am?"

She slammed her hand to the table, effectively cutting the soldier off. "Your job is complete. Tell them I will be back to base camp in a week's time."

"Roger!" he stood to his feet and gave an official salute before marching out of the room.

With the click of the door shutting, she grabbed a paper weight and chucked it at the wall, causing a rather ugly dent and loud boom to echo throughout the room. There just hadn't been enough time to effectively train her subordinates in the proper medical care, let alone fighting on the battle field. It was unfair, but it seemed to be the cards dealt. Training would have to continue, and at a more rigorous pace.

She refused to have their blood on her hands.

The week had passed much too quickly for her liking – and while the twins, Klaus and Lukas, were more than excited to finally be apart of the scouting squad and see some action, she dreaded the upcoming battles. Each one cost 30% of the troop's lives, and those normally consisted of the unprepared and new cadets.

It was annoying, but required in the larger scheme of things. She was coming back with two apprentices, three less than anticipated, but one more than expected. At least they were quick learners, even if they tended to joke around like children.

Slipping on her boots, Adelina marched out to the stables to ready her horse. The large black stallion whinnied loudly as his anticipation grew tenfold. He hadn't been ridden like normal, and she could tell he was quite agitated. Hushing and cooing the equine, she quickly lifted the heavy saddle onto his back while standing on a stool, loud snickers quickly catching her off guard. She glared back at the two men, their horses already saddled and gearing to leave.

"How does one so small, control such a large beast?"

"Perhaps it knows how scary she can be?"

"Hmm, very true. It can be quire terrifying if I do say so."

"A thing of nightmares, really."

"Much worse than-" a loud thud was heard. "Ow! What the hell?!"

Blitzkrieg trotted by the two, his blonde rider showing a proud smirk as they passed. "Next time I'll be sure the pale is full of water."

Lukas rubbed his head in pain as his brother snickered loudly. "How can she be so sweet at times, but so ruthless at others?"

Klaus shrugged his shoulders before kicking his horse and riding after their leader, his twin in tow. The town they had come to know whizzed passed them in a blur as they moved quickly, rushing to get to their new home before the inevitable rain fall. They had noted upon first meeting their mentor, rain was something she didn't enjoy, and in fact tried to avoid at all costs. It was odd to see someone loathe a form of weather so much, but after happening upon her naked torso – in a very honest mistake, even if she claims otherwise – they realized why it could be. She had always mentioned aching during those times, and with the amount of scars on her body, they weren't surprised.

Scarring was going to happen in their line of work, it was just the nature of things, however, they could have never imagined the amount of it on the body of such a frail looking woman. She was petite in stature, yet curved like a woman should be. Her hair was slightly passed her shoulders and blonde, mostly kept in a loose braid over her shoulder unless tightly bunned on the back of her head for battle. She was pretty, her bright green eyes surrounded by thick lashes, just barely touching the even fringe on her forehead. Her nose was dainty, and her lips plump; the similarities between the two Smith siblings was almost creepy.

"We will be arriving shortly," Adelina started, her soft voice just a tad higher than the wind. "I am to report to my commanding officer, but I have been told that you two will be escorted to your new quarters."

Klaus and Lukas looked to each other, than to the woman riding a few paces in front of them. "And when that is finished?"

"Do what you must – explore, eat, make friends. Consider this your miniature vacation before real training begins."

"Real training?" they both questioned simultaneously. What had the last two months been, if not that?

"You have both caught on quickly enough to the medical side of things, but you can not forget that you are still soldiers of the survey corps. Your bodies and minds must be trained daily in order to carry out successful missions in titan territory," she turned her head ever slightly to look at them with a somber expression. "it is life or death for us, and while I promise to keep you as safe as possible, I can not guarantee your lives if you are not sufficiently trained or prepared for what is outside these walls."

They seemed to understand the severity of her voice, for they didn't question or add a joke to their responses. Instead, they remained quiet and thoughtful as the large gated fortress opened for the riders to enter, Commander Erwin stood center with a small smile on his lips. "Welcome back, Adelina," he turned his blue eyes to the two young men behind her. "And welcome to your new home, Klaus and Lukas Berthold."

The twins quickly jumped to their feet and saluted their superior. "Thank you for the opportunity, commander!"

Erwin waved his hand in dismissal, "Thank Lina, here. She is the one whom recruited you." he turned to his sister and held out his elbow so that she could link arms with him. "The stables are to your right. Give your horses to whomever is working today, and then report back here, your guide should be waiting for you by then."

Once again, the two saluted the man as he turned around and began walking towards the large building, dreading the conversation to come.

Her boot tapped the floor repeatedly in agitation, her whole body feeling tense from the anger swimming through her veins. Erwin knew she was upset, but chose to ignore the volatile nature of his younger sister for the time being. It had not been his intention to cause so many casualties on their last expedition outside Wall Maria, but he also could not have known the titans movements or thought processes either. Being in the Survey Corps normally meant imminent death, and those that had perished had been new recruits, not yet adjusted to seeing titans first hand.

He felt bad about the loss of life, but it was his job to send out teams in order to reclaim land. They were replaceable, however, his senior soldiers were not even half as expendable. Choosing the new recruits over experienced ones meant that the casualties would be greater, but there wouldn't be a huge hit to his branch's elite. The ones capable of saving humanity.

"I did what was best at the time," he continued with a sigh, "Captain Owen was there and did what he could to save those that were able to be saved."

"Yes, but if I had been here you wouldn't have been half as reckless!"

Erwin slammed his hand on his desk, "Dammit Adelina! You can't save every life, you can't live in this fantasy world where no one gets hurt and we all come home to our families!"

She closed her mouth and looked to her lap, embarrassed and hurt by her brother's words. He seemed to bite his tongue in regret before moving to speak again, but she had already stood from the chair and had her hand on the handle of his office door. With her back still turned, she replied softly, "I know it is your job to send soldiers to their death, but it is my job to make sure they come home alive."

The click of the door signaled her departure and the end of their conversation. Erwin rubbed his temples and released a sigh. This was not how he wanted to welcome her home.

Walking down the long empty corridor reminded her that lunch was being served in the cafeteria, and that if she didn't hurry, all desserts would be gone. Groaning loudly, she made to jog towards the adjacent building in hopes of getting at least one slice of cake; the sweet baked good would be the only thing to calm her nerves and make her feel better about the last 15 minutes. She was a soldier, but she was also still a woman – a woman who loved her sweets to a fault.

With a swift push through the large doors, she glanced at all the other soldiers already chatting and munching away at their lunches. There were many new faces, she noted mentally, from the looks on some of their young faces, she could tell which ones had been outside the wall, and which ones had probably lost comrades. Feeling the sadness overwhelm her once again, she tried to push the thought aside and made her way to the dessert trays.

"All...gone..." she whimpered quietly, tears threatening to leave their ducts. She didn't often feel so sorrowful and miserable, but there was only so many bad things that could happen before she lost her cool entirely and threw herself to the floor in a tantrum.

That is, until she spotted a certain black haired soldier with a large piece of chocolate cake next to his tray of food.

Sliding into the bench directly across from him, she leaned forward with a large smile and her chin resting on her palms. "Levi~!" The man continued to curtly eat his meal without looking up or replying, causing her to instantly frown. "Are you honestly going to ignore me after two months of my absence?"

"You're only here for the cake," he stated without missing a beat. "Have you gotten stupider in your time away – or perhaps just lazy in your thought process, pig?"

She gave an indignant huff before retorting, "Neither, I just simply assumed you would have grown up a bit and allowed for friendly conversation."

"Now I know you have grown more idiotic. Since when have we ever held a friendly conversation, Doctor Dumbass?"

"Fine, I suppose this gift will have to go to waste," she pulled out a fairly large bottle of very expensive whiskey, dangling it in front of his face. "Some man gave it to me in gratitude for saving his son, but I'm not much of a whiskey drinker. He mentioned something about it being the best inside Wall Sina,"

At this, Levi turned his eyes toward her.

"And here I was thinking I could bring it back to you as a token of peace," she continued, pulling it back toward herself and further from the man's reach. "but since I am Doctor Dumbass, I'm sure Erwin will enjoy the gift more than some ungrateful brat like yourself."

"You're a bitch." he replied evenly, causing her to smirk at his inevitable defeat. If there was one thing she had learned, it was that Levi loved his liquor and could never pass up something so expensive and valuable.

"You really know how to seduce a woman, Levi. How is it possible for you to still be unmarried?"

He closed his eyes in agitation before re-opening them and sliding her his dessert. Squealing in delight, she quickly picked up the fork on the plate and took a large portion of the cake in her mouth before sliding him the bottle of liquor. "I would have still given you the whiskey, you know."

"I wasn't planning on eating the cake anyway, I'm not a fan of old food from the garbage."

She gagged, her stomach suddenly turning queasy, "You didn't!"

Levi gave a small smirk before grabbing the bottle by the neck and swiftly standing to his feet and walking to the door. But not before turning back to look at the squirming woman, "Idiot, did you really think you'd ever get one step ahead of me?"

With that the door closed behind him, leaving her to curse his name loudly.

Adelina sat in her office that was adjacent from the infirmary, her concentration completely on the writing in front of her. The pen moved slowly against the paper as she hummed softly to herself. There was no one waiting to be seen, and the beds inside were all empty of patients; Cristoff Owen had made sure all wounded were fixed and back to training before her arrival so that she could teach her underlings with a new set of hurt soldiers.

As a child, she would have never assumed her life to be the way it was now. She had dreams, aspirations, all revolving around her mother's – the woman who should have been around to shape her daughter into the perfect sister, baker, wife...mother.

"I was always an unusual girl. My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality; just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean..."

It had been many years since the death of Hilde Smith, but her memories of the beautiful blonde haired woman were the most vivd images in her mind. It was unfair for a girl to grow up without that kind of figure in her life, but it was almost unbearable to lose both parents during a time when she was just figuring out who she was. Granted, she had Erwin who had taken care of her as a parent would, but while writing the words, she couldn't escape her memories of the past. This would be for him to see, for anyone who even slightly cared about her to see...

Her last will and testament.

"I had nothing, I wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me."

She had no idea who she was, who she was meant to be. Everyday felt like a new mask as she interacted with her daily life, unsure of most things. She had medicine and science, those were the only constants in her life. The only things that seemed to change with her. However, human connection was what she craved most, yet was the single thing she pushed away with every fiber of her being.

A soldier is never guaranteed tomorrow, and she had lost too many people in her life to want to willingly go through the pain once more. She had comrades, acquaintances, patients...but she never truly connected with them on a personal level. Her gift was deceit, and that was the greatest tool of survival.

She felt absolutely fucking crazy.

Yet, writing down her innermost thoughts seemed to be the only thing that made sense. There was no fixed personality for Adelina Smith, she was a wild mustang that couldn't be controlled. In her own way, she was free, and still so restrained.

"Oi, you'll freeze out any remaining brain cells if you don't close the window."

Blinking away her thoughts, she slammed the pen down in shock as she looked to the doorway to see Levi leaning casually against the doorframe. Registering his words, her body suddenly shivered as she looked behind her to see the window she had opened upon entering the room. The weather had been growing colder with each passing day, but she couldn't stand the stuffiness of the office otherwise.

"Right..." she absentmindedly replied while turning to pull the glass shut. "What are you doing here?" she asked tersely with a small glare.

He gave no elicit answer as he walked into the room and sat down on one of the chairs in front of her desk, the bottle of whiskey slamming loudly against the smooth wood. She raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to do or say something more.

"Do I have to spell it out for you?" he sighed while opening the top. "I'm not going to drink this all by myself like some alcoholic. You gave it to me, so you are going to drink it with me."

She scoffed, "I have more important matters to-"

"Bullshit," he interrupted, pouring some of the liquid into a glass. "You just returned, your reports are already in. Doodling does not count as important matters."

"It's not doodling!" she cried, before having a glass shoved in her face.

"Shut up..." he took a sip of his own drink.

She sighed in defeat while grabbing the papers and stuffing them into the top drawer, locking it when closed. Holding up the glass to her lips, she took a small sip, the liquid instantly warmed her throat, and then stomach, surprisingly going down like water. "It's sweet..."

"It should be, if it's the 'best of the best'."

Green eyes locked on the man in front of her, who was looking around the room in mild disgust, probably thinking about how dirty the floorboards were. He was strange, their relationship was strange...she didn't know what to consider him in all honesty. They had been rivals since first meeting, but over time they had grown to at least respect one another on their own personal levels. Be it calling one another names, or being rude; he was one of the few enigmas in her life, and she wondered if it was the same for him.

They would never admit to being anything other than comrades, but that human connection was present when he was around. Like a moth to a flame, he attracted her innermost humanity in a way that made her both calm and insane. He made her contradict every personality flaw.

"I feel like you're secretly trying to poison me for finally outranking you."

"Welcome back, Idiot."

A/N: Hello readers! I'd like to make a few notes here, to sort of express my thought process, I suppose.

This story takes place before the beginning of the show/manga, and given that not much is known about what happened during this time, it gives me a lot of free reign to do what I please without having to make this "AU", or get complaints about it not following the storyline correctly. I actually only plan on making this 10 chapters maximum, as the ending is already fleshed out in my overactive mind.

As far as the characters go, I want to try and keep them in character as much as possible, which may take a few chapters of getting a feel for them. The main character, Adelina is growing on me. As we progress, I want to show more of her unstable side in a way that seems fitting of a true soldier. As most of the characters have had pretty messed up pasts, I think it is interesting to show someone who has been physically and mentally affected by everything in a way a real soldier would be. Hence, the title of the story. Lithium is used to medicate those with mental and psychological problems, and with her being a doctor, I feel it would be interesting to finally see someone try to cope with the daily pressures of life and living with PTSD/BIPOLAR/IDENTITY CRISIS/ SCHIZOPHRENIA.

I hope this can be enjoyable to you all as it is for me to write. Feedback is welcomed and very appreciated!