Psychology for retards
Tobi had no idea what had come over him. The tuna fish mascot outside the sushi bar just looked so… inviting. Long story short, it was an experience neither of them would forget. Neither would the twenty people watching at the time. But now, as Tobi stood there, dripping with mint sauce, the head of a monster trout covering his face and the bound and gagged mascot dangling from the rafters, the whole idea didn't seem quite as brilliant as it was on paper. Tobi looked innocently at the shocked sushi bar patrons.
"Tobi's a good boy…"
"What the fuck, Tobi!?" Pein exclaimed.
Tobi stood in the Leader's office, dripping mint sauce and fish entrails onto his new carpet.
"What were you thinking?" asked Pein.
Tobi shuffled his feet, mumbling something about fish and 'being a good boy.'
Pein sighed, pushing the intercom button. "Everybody come to my office, now!" he ordered, his voice reverberating through the Akatsuki lair.
A few minutes later, all of the Akatsuki were assembled before Pein's desk.
"I hope this is important!" shouted a dripping Hidan. "I was in the shower!"
Pein rubbed his temples. "Then don't you think you should have put a towel on?" he asked, wishing his desk was high enough to obscure his view a little more.
Hidan stretched. "Nah, those towels are itchy." He yawned. "They give me a rash on my-"
"Yes!" cried Kakuzu. "We've noticed."
Everybody looked at him quizzically.
"I mean…" he corrected himself. "So I was told…"
"Aaaanywaay…" continued Pein. "It had come to my attention that you people are…" He coughed. "A bunch of utter weirdos."
The Akatsuki glanced at each other, pretending that they hadn't already worked that out.
"People have always been telling me that you guys need help." Said Pein. "Before today, I never realised they weren't joking.
Everybody glared at Tobi, who whimpered pathetically while wiping off the last of the fish guts off his cloak.
"Therefore," said Pein. "I have made you all appointments with a psychiatrist, today after four pm.
The Akatsuki gaped at him with expressions that did little to make him regret his decision.
"Now…" he said, "All of you get going, and try to come back a little less mentally retarded."
The Akatsuki moodily began to leave.
"Not you, Konan!" called Pein, reaching out a hand towards her. "You're perfectly sane, so you'll be staying here…" He wiggled an eyebrow. "With me… Alone…"
Dr. Kagashino had been a psychiatrist for over ten years. He had seen all kinds of weird and insane individuals, but nothing could prepare him for the moment when a large plant wearing a dress entered his office.
"Er… hello…" He stuttered, finally realising why there was a tick box on his summary sheet saying 'part plant.'
Zetsu simply stared at him, licking his lips.
The Doctor shuddered. "Would you like to take a seat?" He asked, slowly edging towards the weed killer on the window sill.
The walking plant lay down on the couch.
"Now," said Kagashino. "Your friend Pein tells me you have some interesting eating habits. Care to tell me what they are?"
Zetsu looked into the Doctor's eyes, a very serious look on his face. "I eat dead people…"
Dr. Kagashino laughed. After a moment or two of looking into Zetsu's hungry eyes, his laughs turned slightly hysterical.
"Don't listen to him," said Zetsu's light side. "We won't hurt you…"
"We just ate a girl scout half an hour ago," said his dark side.
The psychiatrist was suddenly intrigued. "Schizophrenia!" he exclaimed. "This is interesting!"
Dark Zetsu snorted. "Yeah, but you don't have to live with the guy!"
Dr. Kagashino frowned.
"It's the snoring I can't take." Dark Zetsu told him. "Seriously, it's like Deidara's blowing stuff up right next to my head!"
"Hey, you're not brilliant either!" Replied Light Zetsu. "You use my toothbrush, leave the fridge open, leave the toilet seat up…"
"Why should I put it down?" asked Dark Zetsu, "we're both guys!"
The psychiatrist could no longer be bothered making notes.
"It's just good manners," said Light Zetsu, "and when you flush, make sure it's all-"
"STOP!" shouted Kagashino, "This is therapy, not a marital!"
Zetsu huffed and folded his arms. Suddenly he spotted something on the Doctor's desk.
"Heeellooooo!" he exclaimed, slinking up to the desk.
"Zetsu…" Kagashino said suspiciously, "What are you doing?"
"What's a pretty young thing like you doing here?" Zetsu purred, stroking the potted plant on the desk.
Dr. Kagashino stared in disgust as Zetsu suddenly got too friendly with his fern.
"NEXT!" he screamed, hiding his eyes.
"How old did you say you were?"
"91" replied Kakuzu, leaning back on the psychiatrist's couch.
"Hmmm…" the Doctor mused. "Then whatever mental illness you have may well be down to being senile."
"I'm not senile!" Kakuzu fumed. "And the reason that I hate kids being on the lawn is that they ruin the grass!"
Dr. Kagashino nodded, humouring him.
"How much does a psychiatrist get paid?" Kakuzu asked suddenly.
"What?"
"Like, in a year? Good? Bad?" Kakuzu leaned in close. "Come on; give me something to go on!"
The psychiatrist backed away. "Kakuzu…"
"Can I have some money?" Kakuzu pleaded.
"Erm… Not right now…"
Kakuzu glared at him. "Give me money."
"Er…"
"GIVE ME MONEY NOW!!!"
"HELP!" shrieked the doctor as Kakuzu grabbed him in a headlock.
"MONEY!!! MONEY NOW!!!" he screamed, banging the Doctor's head against the coffee table.
Two minutes later, Kagashino sat on the couch, hugging his knees, an icepack sitting upon his swollen head.
"Are you alright to see the rest of them?" asked the security guard as Kakuzu was shoved into a straight jacket and dragged away screaming for money.
"As long as they don't try to kill me anymore…" He jinxed.
His first thought when he saw his next patient was: "Oh crap, another emo!"
"Ah, you must be Itachi…"
He trailed off as Itachi walked straight into a lamp.
"Er… how would you like to take a seat?"
Without saying anything, Itachi walked towards the sound of Kagashino's voice. He went straight past him and collided with the opposite wall.
"Do you, by any chance, have poor eyesight?" He asked, hoping that this was not some kind of mental illness.
Itachi glared at the mangled plant on the desk. "No." he growled, hitting his head on the window. "I'm fine."
"Over here!" indicated the psychiatrist. "No, on your right. Other right. That's right, this way. No, that's a fish tank. Warmer… Warmer… Colder! Warmer… Warmer… Warmer…"
"Hot!" he shouted as Itachi sat on his lap.
The Doctor shifted to the other end of the couch.
"Now then, Itachi." He said. "What seems to be the problem?"
Itachi stared into space. "Hn."
Kagashino waited for a more detailed response. When none was forthcoming, he asked:
"Do you feel happy?"
"Hn."
"Sad?"
"Hn."
"Angry?"
"Hn."
Kagashino frowned. "Are you getting on with your family?"
Itachi gave him a death glare.
Kagashino grunted. "I think you may have a social interaction condition."
Itachi thought for a moment.
"Fuck off."
The psychiatrist sat with his head in his hands. I hope the next patient is more willing to discuss than Mr. Self-harming Emo-face, he thought. Suddenly the door burst open, revealing somebody with long blond hair. Before Kagashino could even say hello, Deidara had thrown himself, sobbing, onto his lap.
"EVERYONE HATES MY ART!!!" he cried. "PEOPLE THINK I'M A WOMAN!!! BAD MEN KEEP RIPPING MY ARMS OFF!!! MY PARTNER IS A FIVE YEAR OLD SPACKER WITH A LOLLIPOP FOR A FACE!!!"
The frightened doctor tried to free himself from Deidara's choking glomp.
"FANGIRLS KEEP TRYING TO STEAL MY HAIR!!! I ONLY HAVE ONE EYE!!! I LIVE WITH A BUNCH OF HATEFUL FREAKS!!! THEY SELL VOODOO DOLLS OF ME ON EBAY!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!"
By now, Kagashino was desperately hitting Deidara over the head with a microscope. "Young lady! Let me go!" he cried.
Deidara stared at him.
"What did you say?..." He growled in a supernaturally deep voice.
Kagashino could not comprehend the scale of the error he had made. The explosion could be seen from space.
Smouldering and sobbing into his decimated notebook, the last thing Kagashino wanted was to be in the same room as a raving lunatic. Enter Hidan…
"FUCK THIS!" he shouted, breaking down the door. "THAT FUCKING GINGER SENDS ME TO A FUCKING SHRINK 'COS HE THINKS I'M A FUCKING 'TARD?!"
The Doctor blinked at him.
"I FUCKING LIVE WITH A FUCKING OAP, A FUCKING PYROMANIAC AND A FUCKING PLANT, AND HE FUCKING SENDS ME TO A FUCKING SHRINK?!" He threw himself on the couch. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!" He screamed, thumping his fist on the burnt couch. "THIS IS THE FUCKIEST COUCH EVER! IT'S FUCKING ON FUCKING FIRE!!!" He glared at Kagashino. "AND WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, ANYWAY?! ARE YOU THE FUCKING SHRINK?! YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING…"
It carried on like this for another hour.
Then, just as Kagashino was reaching his limit, his worst nightmare arrived.
"Tobi's a good boy!"
The masked ninja threw himself onto the psychiatrist's startled lap.
"SANTA!!!" he shrieked, throwing his arms around the man's waist and hugging tightly. "Tobi wants a pony and a puppy and a duck and a race car and a bicycle and a knife and a whistle and a guitar and a gun and a muffin and a hat and another muffin…"
"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FREAK!!!" screamed Kagashino, dating across the room.
"What's this?" asked Tobi, reaching into the fish tank and throwing the fish out of the window.
The Doctor stared sucking his thumb.
"What's this?" Tobi asked again, tearing a chunk out of the bewildered pot plant on the desk with his teeth.
Tobi began a rampage around the room. "What's this?" *crash* "What's this?" *bang* "What's this?" *fiery explosion* "Ooh, shiny!" *thwack!*
Tobi stood in the centre of the carnage, hopping up and down.
"Tobi's a good boy!"
Pein walked out of the closet, his clothes ruffled, his headband on at an angle and a smug and contented grin on his face. As he passed the kitchen, he suddenly frowned.
"Tobi?!" he exclaimed, hastily hiding the swollen red mark on his neck. "Why aren't you in therapy?"
Tobi sat on the kitchen floor, happily making a Deidara doll out of potatoes.
"He died." Tobi said, not looking up.
Pein stared at him while inconspicuously hiding a clinking pair of handcuffs in his back pocket. "Died? How?"
"Muffin…" Tobi giggled. "Or a knife… I forget which."
Pein sighed. "Where are the others?"
"Prison." Answered Tobi.
"Jesus…" Pein cursed. "I leave them alone for what felt to me like five minutes and all Hell breaks loose!"
"Where's Konan?" asked Tobi.
"She's… asleep…" Pein coughed.
He stopped and realised that he now had the place almost entirely to himself.
"Er… Tobi?" He said. "Why don't you stay here and relax." He backed out of the door. "I'll be in my closet… reading…"