As I open the door, I hear them all fighting over one burnt meal, and again , they had to bring all other contentions over one burnt meal . Great, parents. That's everything I need especially for this 'Holy Day'. And as always , all I could do is to ignore their conflict because I'm too young to ask them to stop it , no one would even hear me if I tried to.
The few steps I had to take before getting to stairs was the longest ride I ever took until this moment. Long enough for me to think all over why did they even have to get together. For all I know people argue seeking an arrangement , but the only think that looks like one here is they'll split up soon. Sometimes I pray that it would end this way , sometimes not.
When I was a the innocent little boy , I thought I had this perfect life , where I have the perfect parent , perfect sister , perfect friends. I remember going on vacations to wonderful places with family , we'd get the best memories one can ever dream of , but I was so greedy back then, I wanted more , I wasn't pleased with my ordinary life. I started making plans for our flawless future too. I was 95% sure that I'd have the chance to live with them all together with those bath times with Rin and those family meeting where you see nothing but a members looking all at each others with a smile , a true one , that shows how much they love you and care for you.
These was my sweet little dreams that back then seemed to be fate when I grow up. But now they are more like dreams. Except that it's the kind of dreams you only fantasize about , but somehow you don't wish for them to become true . Not because you really don't want to , but they need to be brainwashed before we get to that , like restarting a game because you fucked up with a part where that leads to a calamity if you go any further in that game. I don't want them looking at each other as suspects , and people who do care about this little family with eyes that can hold the universe , those of a homeless in a cold winter night.
Finally I took the stairs. I hear the noise of breaking glass , I maintain the rhyme of my path , I start joggling. I look up , the door is few steps away from me finally. Back to my real trouble. I take a deep breath , wishing I could scream as loud as I can , but they would hear me and that's what I'm trying to avoid. Fuck it , why should all people on the world make this pact with my demons ? Like , heey we heard that he has been all weeping and feeling hopeless these days , can it be his lasts , we don't want him to die but we can't miss this show ! So here's the rules , annoy him as long as he doesn't kill himself , if he does that's not that great of a deal but still. Well that's it . I've been through hell and out .
I take off my backpack that felt like tons. That's when I thought that the deal was done with everything , not only people. I lay down on my bed watching the celling. Time for me to recall all what happened for this day. Main two things that marked it aside from that quarrel down side .
My physics teacher lecturing me as the failure I am , telling me how desperate I am and how I have no chance for a delightful future , the thing about this is not that he told me something I didn't expect him to say but more like , that's what I've been thinking all these last days , I just wanted someone that could say the opposite and prove me that I'm wrong ; because really want to end my life , but in the same time I don't , so I'm looking for that will to live, wishing I can fulfill all my promises before I do, BUT I STILL CAN'T TELL WHY PEOPLE BREAK THEM , it's just like : wait they didn't even though about doing something about their why would you care ? I really do hate it when people reminds how of the burden you think you are. Luckily there was that other event that covered up for this !
My 4 years best friend ignored me like , I wanted to believe she was not doing it on purpose but , who am I lying to , the more I try not to believe it the more clues I find that it's not the case. I developed this mini crush on her but , not because I want to be with her but , I just hate the idea that she is with anyone else.
I just wanted to forget about it all , I put my headphones on with volume all the way up as I fall asleep. For the first time in a while this nap was because I was tired , not because I had to escape my reality.