Young Black Prepubescents

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

Wade's new friend Tyrone is everything he could ask for...until he realizes why it's too good to be true. Meanwhile, in an attempt to gain more respect and get less homework, RK decides to go on "strike" and protest iCarly Elementary.

1. Young Black Prepubescents Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 5

EPISODE 11

Airdate: November 6, 2016

"Young Black Prepubescents"

Special Guest Stars: William Daniels as Mr. Robertson

#TYH512

SCENE 1

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and Wade are watching TV.

RK: Hey Wade, you ever watched House of Anabis?

WADE: Eh, a couple times. It was okay. And it's called House of Anubis.

RK: Are you sure? That's how Buster says it.

WADE: Buster has his, um, unique qualities that you don't need to have. So do you want to go play some softball at the park tomorrow?

RK: I can't. I promised Anna I would spend the day with her. And I'm going to savor it because I have nothing to worry about tomorrow.

WADE: Yeah, you do. That essay for history class is due on Monday.

RK: You tell me this now on a Friday afternoon when I'm trying to enjoy the last few years of my childhood? How dare you.

WADE: It was announced in class on Monday! We worked on it in the computer lab! What were you doing on the computer anyway?

RK: Eh, I was just dicking around. You can find out a lot of cool stuff from just surfing the web. Like, did you know that Donald Glover is Childish Gambino? It blew my face off.

WADE: Yeah, I've known that for three years now.

SCENE 2

The Revia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and Anna are watching TV together.

RK: Hey, could I ask you a question?

ANNA: Sure. Fire away.

RK: When did you get so damn cute?

ANNA: I don't know, you tell me.

RK: W...what? I don't get it.

ANNA: I love it when you're confused by simple things. Isn't this great? The two of us just spending time together, RK and Anna style?

RK: It is. I mean, you sit there and tell me what could possibly ruin it, and I'll shut it down like that. Because there's nothing in this world that's going to ruin my day.

At that point, RK gets a phone call and picks it up.

RK: RKJ here, what it do?

WADE: I really wish you would stop using that as your phone greeting. I'm at the park, are you coming?

RK: No. Don't you remember what I said yesterday? I'm spending the day with Anna, my girlfriend. Remember Anna? Remember the day we first met, and she hated your guts?

WADE: Yeah, I don't need you to remind me of that. So you're definitely not going to be able to come?

RK: Are the Sacramento Kings favorites to win the NBA Finals this season?

WADE: Of course not.

RK: Well, that makes two things that aren't gonna happen. Talk to you later.

WADE: Alright, bye.

RK hangs up.

ANNA: I didn't hate Wade's guts.

RK: Of course you did. You couldn't stand the sight of him. I would have called you racist at the time, but I didn't think it was that serious.

ANNA: I'm not a racist!

RK: If you even think of following that up with "I have black friends," then I'm leaving you.

The scene cuts to Wade tossing the baseball in his hand at the park.

WADE: Maybe I could call one of the other guys. But RK does have the best arm. Eh, I guess I'll just go home.

At that point, a white kid approaches Wade.

TYRONE: Hey, where are you going?

WADE: I'm going home. And there are people here who are going to hear my screams of terror so I wouldn't attempt anything.

TYRONE: Oh, sorry. My friends always tell me I scare people off sometimes. My name's Tyrone. Tyrone Mitchell.

WADE: Wade Saltalamacchia. But my friends call me Wade for short.

TYRONE: But your name already is Wade.

WADE: Yeah, that's the joke. Look, Tyrone, you seem like an okay guy, but my plans were just crushed to tiny fragments so I'm heading home.

TYRONE: Oh. Actually, I was going to ask if you wanted to play catch.

WADE: You want to play catch with me? Why?

TYRONE: Well, the truth is, I've seen you around school and I've wanted to hang out for a while but I just got nervous.

WADE: Ah, stage fright. Well, Tyrone, I can honestly say I've never been in this position before and it feels...kinda nice. Ah, what the hell? Let's play some catch.

TYRONE: Cool. You want to go long?

WADE: Sure. Hey, wait a minute. Is that a Public Enemy T-shirt?

TYRONE: Yeah, it is. I love Public Enemy. They're the best of all-time.

WADE: No way, I'm fond of P.E. too. I hardly know anybody that likes them.

TYRONE: Well, they just don't want to study the legends. They don't know what they're missing.

WADE: You're telling me. So you go to iCarly Elementary?

TYRONE: Yeah. I'm actually in the second fourth grade class.

WADE: Oh, really? Because none of my friends talk to anybody in the other classes. All they do is shrug and react to stuff.

TYRONE: Ugh, I hate when my friends do that. You know, Wade, I think this is going to turn out well.

WADE: I think so too.

TYRONE: Hey, you wanna grab a bite to eat after this?

WADE: Eh, I don't know. We just met. It might be a little strange.

TYRONE: Oh, come on. I'm buying.

WADE: Well, in that case, I guess I'm eating with strangers today.

Wade and Tyrone both chuckle at the same time as they toss the baseball around.

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Wade is talking to Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn.

WADE: I'm telling you, guys, Tyrone is something else. He's so insightful and deep for his age. He knows all of the classic rappers, he's against police brutality, and he even has plans to give back to his community when he grows up.

JAYLYNN: So he's special because he's a white guy that listens to rap music and understands that what's going on today is wrong?

WADE: I'm not putting much stock into the color of his skin, Jaylynn. I'm just saying, it seems like he understands things really well and I admire his intelligence.

JAYLYNN: Well, I have the right to be skeptical. I don't know, man, just watch your back. You can't always trust his type.

WADE: Don't worry, Tyrone has a good head on his shoulders.

BUSTER: I don't get it. Does this mean we're going to replace RK in the group with Tyrone?

SPARKY: No, Buster, that's not happening.

BUSTER: Sparky, I try to understand things. I listen. How come that's never good enough?

RK walks up to the guys.

RK: Good morning, ladies and gents. Hey Wade, I know you were really looking forward to that dodgeball tournament.

WADE: RK, we were just supposed to play softball.

RK: Badminton?

Wade gives RK an annoyed expression.

RK: Ah, I had you going for a second there. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I would have been there if I wasn't already booked solid. So how about you and me have a guys' night out on Friday? We can go out and get fat, hit the arcade, dance in our underwear at my place. It'll be sick.

WADE: That sounds like a capital idea. I'll see if Tyrone can come along.

RK: Wait, wait, wait, who's this Tyrone? What's his story? What's he trying to take from me?

BUSTER: Oh yeah, of course, invite someone you hardly know and ignore me.

WADE: He's just this kid I met at the park. But I'm telling you, you're going to love him. He's kinda like you in a way.

RK: He is? Oh no, why didn't I see this coming?! It's over. It's over for the White Mamba.

WADE: What are you talking about?

RK: YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! This other guy...he swooped in when I was on the low and took my spot. He's gunning for me. He wants what I have, and sooner or later, I'll be forced to give it to him.

JAYLYNN: RK, Tyrone's not trying to take your spot. He doesn't even know you like that.

RK: Do you listen to yourself when you talk, Jaylynn? Because if you did, you would know how much bullshit is coming from your mouth right now. I'M OLD, I HAVE TO PASS THE TORCH. I'm Drew Bledsoe to his Tom Brady, only this time, it's going to turn out badly for everyone.

WADE: RK, I've only known Tyrone for two days. No one can fill your shoes, buddy. You're the only best friend I'll ever need.

RK: You really think so?

WADE: I know so.

SPARKY: I feel like I'm watching a really weird sitcom.

BUSTER: You only said what we're all thinking.

SCENE 4

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

The guys are all eating together.

JAYLYNN: So yeah, I smacked Lynne in her face last night.

SPARKY: Wait, what?

BUSTER: Yeah, please start over.

JAYLYNN: Well, last night, I went over to Anja's house to hang out but she was doing homework so I just decided to watch some TV. But of course, this motherf***er Lynne is sitting on the couch watching this dumb shit on Disney Channel.

RK: What was the show?

JAYLYNN: I think it was called...Bizmakardvark or something stupid like that. I don't know, it was weaksauce. Anyway, Lynne said she's not giving up the remote but I wanted to watch The Loud House so we fought for a while and then I just slapped her hard.

WADE: Wait. You were actually able to get your hands on her?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. She's an idiot. She came to Anja's place to hang out, she's doing homework, and yet she's watching TV like a dumbass when she can just go back to her apartment.

BUSTER: But weren't you doing the exact same thing?

JAYLYNN: No. I actually wanted to hang out with Anja, I think all she wanted was to watch that stupid show. But when I slapped her, she didn't say anything after that. She didn't even tell on me. Haha, I made her my bitch.

Beat.

SPARKY: Never change, Jaylynn.

At that point, Tyrone approaches Wade.

TYRONE: Hey Wade.

WADE: What's up, Tyrone? Hey guys, this is Tyrone Mitchell.

TSE: Hey Tyrone.

RK: You dirty, rotten weasel.

TYRONE: I can't believe this. I'm actually getting greeted by Testicular Sound Express. You know you guys are icons in this school, right?

BUSTER: Like, McDonald's icons or Paris Hilton icons?

TYRONE: McDonald's. You guys are the best. Every week, my friends and I are always talking about what crazy shit you're going to do next.

SPARKY: Well, we always try to top ourselves. It's funny. I don't think anything we've done has been that special.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I've always just looked at our adventures as stuff that's happened.

BUSTER: Me too.

TYRONE: Well, either way, you guys are one of a kind. Wade, could I show you something?

WADE: Sure. I'll be right back, guys.

Wade walks off with Tyrone.

RK: Look at those two. All chummy and buddy-buddy with each other. They're probably plotting my death as we speak.

BUSTER: I don't know why you're so worried about Tyrone anyway. He seems kinda goofy.

SPARKY: Yeah, RK, you're doing the same thing you always do: Overreact to the whole situation.

RK: Well, I don't trust that Tyrone as far as I can throw him. I bet he's up to something.

JAYLYNN: Last week, you thought the mailman was up to something because you only got one letter in the mail.

RK: Where does that happen anywhere else? Leave it to the government to actually care about you, Jaylynn.

At that point, Ashley walks up to RK.

ASHLEY: Principal MacGregor wants to see you.

RK clears his throat while giving Ashley a suspicious look.

ASHLEY: Good afternoon, RK. How are you today?

RK: I'm doing fabulous, thank you. See, that wasn't so hard, Ashley.

ASHLEY: It was. It was very, very hard. You should go see the principal though. He doesn't seem happy.

RK: Ah, I'm used to it. Principal MacGregor's always pissed off to see me. I wonder what punishment he has in store for me today.

RK gets up and leaves the lunchroom. For a few seconds, Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn look at Ashley.

ASHLEY: What is it?

JAYLYNN: Do you want to hear the story about how I made Lynne my bitch?

The scene cuts to Wade at Tyrone's table with the rest of Tyrone's friends, all of them black.

TYRONE: Welcome to my brain trust, Wade. These are my main men. Leon, Kenny, Chris, and Adam.

CHRIS: Nice to finally meet you, Wade.

WADE: Same here. Wow, I didn't know you had so many, um...friends like me.

LEON: Hey, you can say it. Black, African-American, it's all the same. But Tyrone's that dude so he's cool with us.

ADAM: More or less.

KENNY: There you go again, Adam, being a hater as usual.

ADAM: I'm not a hater, but Tyrone's something else, you know.

TYRONE: Alright, guys, I was reading something about how Charles Barkley said the cops were doing a great job and as black people, we need to better ourselves. Obviously, I thought he was being ridiculous. What do you guys think?

KENNY: Barkley's a sellout, always has been. He's just tap dancing for his check, that's all.

CHRIS: Yeah, guys like him just make us look like thugs and criminals, the same way the media tries to make us look like it. What do you think, Wade?

WADE: I think Charles Barkley can't understand black people and what we go through because he's blinded by money. He's prioritizing the wrong things.

LEON: So you think he used to support black people?

WADE: I think so. But once he started making millions, he was worried about losing his endorsements and eventually turned on us. What's the point of believing in black celebrities when all they do is stand up for their bank accounts?

TYRONE: See, Wade knows what's up.

Tyrone and his friends clap for Wade.

SCENE 5

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

RK looks around as he sits in front of Principal MacGregor's desk.

RK: You know, I never noticed this before, but you have a really nice wife. You two crazy kids met at a Starbucks?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: RK, your history teacher tells me that you haven't turned in an assignment in weeks.

RK: Hey, I think it's bogus to include last year. Besides, we just came back from summer break.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: We're nearing the end of the semester!

RK: Well, this is something that can be easily solved next semester. Don't worry, I'll straighten up in time.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: RK, I'm worried about you. You don't turn in assignments, you're late to your classes, and the work you do turn in is of poor quality. How do you expect to keep up in junior high?

RK: That's what I wanted to talk about with you. After I graduate, I'm thinking about taking a year off. You know, just to find myself.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: The only thing you're gonna find is a recommendation to be held back if you don't start becoming a better student.

RK: Oh yeah, Principal MacGregor, it's really easy to think that this is all the kid's fault. What about my needs? When do I get a say? When do I stop bowing down to the man?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Pardon me.

RK: Look, the fact of the matter is, this school has been a thorn in my side for too long. I come here every day ready to work and all I do is get treated unfairly because I don't have the best grades. Well, I've had it! I demand more respect, and since you won't give it to me, you leave me no other choice. I'm striking.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: You're what?

RK: That's right. As of today, RK Jennings is going on strike. You're not going to see a trace of me in this school until my demands are met.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: You cannot be serious. RK, just sit down and we can discuss a way to boost your grades.

RK: Oh no, Principal MacGregor. My hands are tied. It's over, man. The strike of 2016 is officially on.

SCENE 6

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That afternoon, RK is watching TV while wearing a purple bandana with the guys standing around him.

WADE: So let me get this straight. You decided to walk out of school and strike because of something something something?

RK: No, it's not because of that. You really need to start paying more attention. I walked out because I demand respect. The man refused to give me what I want, so I told the man, "You can suck it." So here I am.

WADE: You do realize this might be your worst idea yet?

SPARKY: Yeah, I'm not really sure what you're getting out of this, RK.

RK: Look, I'm tired of everybody in school telling me to do my homework, participate in class, ask for the bathroom pass before you go swinging it in the urinal. I don't wanna answer to nobody no more. Besides, I hold all the cards.

WADE: No, you don't! You're a kid, you don't have any leverage! You have nothing to strike about.

RK: Okay, Wade, I can see you're not gonna support me or help with the picket lines, so you can go ahead and keep bowing down to the man. Meanwhile, I had the self-respect to walk out. Oh yeah, by the way, we can't do guy's night on Friday. Sorry.

WADE: What? Why?

RK: Well, I'm a political figure now. I have to start thinking about helping out my people. Which is why on Friday night, I'm going to put out a live Facebook broadcast unveiling my new protest song.

WADE: So instead of hanging out with me, you would rather take the time to promote your strike that has no cause?

RK: Okay, I've had enough of your biased opinion. You're working for the man and I won't stand for it. Away with all of you! DISPERSE!

The kids all leave as RK opens the door for them, then closes it.

WADE: That hardheaded son of a bitch is going to make me wanna...*sighs*...I need some ice cream.

BUSTER: Hey Wade, who was that white kid you were talking about today? T-Bone? I bet he would hang out with you on Friday.

WADE: You know what? I actually forgot to ask him if he wanted to come. You guys want to come with?

SPARKY: Are you sure that's a good idea? We're probably going to be unnecessary.

WADE: Of course not. I want Tyrone to meet you guys and get to know you also. I wanted RK to come, but with his Neanderthal attitude, who needs him?

BUSTER: I wouldn't mind.

SPARKY: Yeah, it might be fun.

JAYLYNN: I don't care, it's not like I have shit to do.

SCENE 7

The Jennings Household

Exterior Frontyard

Seattle, Washington

On Friday night, RK walks outside with a towel and sets it on the lawn. He then pulls out his harmonica and starts playing it.

RK: Yeah, that sounds smooth.

RK then turns on his camera and connects it to his laptop.

RK: Hello everyone. Peace and salutations. It's RK Jennings, political prisoner and freedom fighter. A few days ago, I made a bold decision to walk out of iCarly Elementary School and protest against injustice. We should be free to do our homework whenever and no one can tell us otherwise. The revolution will be tweeted. So I'm about to play you an original protest song that I wrote myself about the strike. Marvin Gaye isn't the only one who can talk about what's going on. So here we go.

RK starts playing his harmonica again, to the tune of "The Boss" by James Brown.

RK: *with a raspy, scratchy voice while clapping his hands* Waaaaaaaaaitttingggggg...for a chaaaaaaaaange...people...gotta chaaaaaaaaaaange...waaaaaaaaitttttinggggg...for some loooooooooove...

Adriana and Anna walk up to RK.

ANNA: I can't believe this. I had to really see if this was true.

RK: Hey ladies. Care to join my protest? In an hour, I'm going to burn a picture of Principal MacGregor live. Now I know what you're thinking, but it's a drawing so it's safe.

ADRIANA: RK, why are you doing this? What happened at school?

RK: Well, Adriana, the man thinks that he can control me. I'm here to let the world know that there's another way. So I've decided to go on strike.

ADRIANA: Okay, but what about the bandana?

RK: Oh, that's just to make me look more revolutionary.

ADRIANA: Okay, those are all my questions. Anna, you want to take it from here?

ANNA: RK, can you please end this strike and go back to school? For me?

RK: Sorry, babe, but I have to stay down for the cause. If I don't, I can't expect the other protesters to respect me.

ANNA: There are no other protesters!

RK: They're coming. You just give them some time. If they don't come in half an hour, their supplies are free.

ADRIANA: Can I have some of those supplies?

RK: Sure. But don't go hard on the parmesan. I still remember what you did last time.

ADRIANA: I didn't know it was for everyone!

SCENE 8

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Interior Booth

Seattle, Washington

With Tyrone, the kids are all drinking Cowboy Pop.

BUSTER: I can't believe RK's not in the group anymore.

JAYLYNN: Dude, really?

SPARKY: So Tyrone, Wade tells us you're the conscious type.

TYRONE: I am. I think it's really important to be there for black people and understand their issues.

JAYLYNN: Exactly why do you think it's important to care about black people so much?

WADE: Jaylynn?!

TYRONE: Ah, I get that a lot. Ever since I was little, I always felt like I was one of them. It's really important to understand them and be one of them.

BUSTER: I'm uncomfortable now.

JAYLYNN: It's okay, honey, I'm here.

Jaylynn grabs Buster's head.

BUSTER: What are you doing?

JAYLYNN: I don't want you to be brainwashed.

WADE: So Tyrone, what did you say you loved doing on the weekends?

TYRONE: Oh, I just play a little basketball with the fellas at the rec center. Other times, I like to listen to a lot of rap. I wanna be the next Nas or Andre 3000.

WADE: Nas? Andre? Aren't those some real heavyweights, guys?

SPARKY: Why do I feel like you should already know this?

JAYLYNN: I think happy hour is over, guys. We should probably head out.

BUSTER: Yeah, there's a Full House rerun on that I can't miss.

SPARKY: Wait, which one?

BUSTER: I think it's the one where Danny and Joey dress up as women to get their fraternity seal back.

SPARKY: Oh shit, that one's a classic. We can't miss that!

WADE: You guys have seen that episode a hundred times.

SPARKY: I DON'T CARE, WE'RE NOT MISSING IT!

TYRONE: Hey, before you guys go, we can head out to the park. You know, get into something wacky. You know, because you guys do stuff like that.

BUSTER: Are you insane?! We can't go to Ken Griffey at night!

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I hear you can get stabbed there.

TYRONE: Oh, that's just a wild rumor. Come on, we can go there and hit the swings with no one else around.

SPARKY: We could. That's definitely an idea. But could I talk to the guys for a minute, Tyrone? Outside?

TYRONE: Go ahead, I don't mind.

SPARKY: Thank you so much.

The scene cuts to the guys outside Ike's.

SPARKY: Wade, the last thing I want to do is be mean, but your new friend sucks.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, he's a total cornball.

BUSTER: New RK makes me want to vomit.

WADE: Oh, that's perfect. You guys just have to find faults with someone I meet when they care about the black community.

SPARKY: What? That's not what this is about!

WADE: Of course it is. Tyrone scares you guys because he knows what's going on with people like me. He fights injustice, he represents the things others are scared to represent.

JAYLYNN: Wade, this happens all the time. There's always a white person out there who thinks they understand black people but they don't. They just want cool points. And when shit hits the fan, he's going to remember the color of his skin and drop you on your ass.

WADE: Look, I'm not forcing you guys to like Tyrone, but he's my friend and I think it's abhorrent that you're reducing him to being a fraud.

BUSTER: Sparky, we only have twenty minutes left.

SPARKY: Damn. Wade, if you want to be friends with Tyrone, go ahead and be friends with him. But you need to watch out for his type. They're sneaky.

BUSTER: Yeah, Wade. Don't fall for his smooth talking mumbo jumbo. He might be trying to hypnotize you.

The guys get in Sparky's car.

JAYLYNN: Are you going to stay with him?

WADE: Of course. We're taking that excursion to the park.

SPARKY: Alright. Just be careful. I don't want to wake up at two in the morning to a phone call that says that they found the body.

BUSTER: Remember, hypnotic mind control. It's all the rage these days.

Wade waves the kids goodbye as Sparky drives off. Wade then goes back inside.

TYRONE: Are you guys still coming to the park?

WADE: It's just me. They went home.

Beat.

WADE: By the way, if you were going to hypnotize me, you would let me know, right?

SCENE 9

Ken Griffey Jr. Park

Seattle, Washington

Wade and Tyrone are on the swings at the park, with no one else around.

WADE: I can't believe the guys said that about you.

TYRONE: Didn't you already tell me what happened?

WADE: Oh, indeed, but I thought we were going to keep talking about it.

TYRONE: Honestly, it's not a big deal, man. If they don't like me, they don't like me. I'm just going to keep doing my thing.

WADE: It's just that, I don't always meet a lot of interesting people. And you have a good heart and you really seem to understand how black people think. Why can't they see that?

TYRONE: Because they're not black like you and I. To them, all they see is rap music and gang banging but that's not what being black is about.

WADE: Wait, wait, hang on a minute. Did you just say black like you and I?

TYRONE: Of course. I'm black like you.

WADE: No, you're not. You're white. Oh, I get it. You just mean you're more in touch with your black side since you're mixed, right?

TYRONE: No, Wade, I'm not mixed. I'm 100% pure African-American.

WADE: Tyrone, you can't be African-American. You're Caucasian and that's that.

TYRONE: Oh, so just because my skin is white, I have blonde hair, my face can turn different colors, and the DNA test I took last week says I'm white, then I'm white?

WADE: Yes, you moron! You can't just pick and choose what race you are.

TYRONE: Why not? Blackness is just a state of mind, isn't it?

Beat. The scene cuts to Wade starting his car and Tyrone running after him.

TYRONE: Wade, come on, can't we talk about this?

WADE: I think it's for the best that we don't talk anymore.

Wade rolls up his windows and drives off, leaving Tyrone at the park. He then screams and kicks a rock.

TYRONE: Wait, I have to take the bus home?! SHIT!

SCENE 10

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

With his bandana still on along with a white robe, RK is eating waffles with syrup and strawberries while watching TV.

VOICEOVER: At iCarly Elementary School, you get the best education there is. Kids come every day to not only become smarter, but become better people.

RK: Freaking propaganda.

RK changes the channel to the music video for "Git Up, Git Out" by OutKast featuring Goodie Mob.

VOICEOVER: You need to get up, get out, and get something. Don't let the days of your life pass by...

RK: I'm eating here, you vultures!

RK once again changes the channel.

VOICEOVER: You're sitting on your couch, watching some crappy morning show, hearing my dry ass talk, and your life is passing you by. You keep thinking that you'll get a job. Like what? Rapping? Dancing? Cooking crack? What the hell is wrong with you bums? Can't you, for once in your damn life, do something that matters? Go back to school, you bum. Hey, am I talking to nothing here? You jobless bum, GO BACK TO F***ING SCHOOL OR I'M COMING OUT OF THIS F***ING TV AND SHOOTING YOU IN THE F***ING FACE!

RK turns off the TV.

RK: I'm not a bum.

The doorbell rings and RK goes to open it, revealing Wade.

RK: Hey, good morning, Wade.

WADE: You're still on strike, right?

RK: Sure am.

WADE: Good. I need a sense of normality in my life again.

RK: Ah, sounds like the 98th episode of The RK and Wade Talk Show. So what's eating you, man?

WADE: It's Tyrone.

RK: Yes, I knew it! I knew that trifling-ass pinhead was bad news! I mean, I'm intrigued to hear what you have to say next.

WADE: Well, last night, we were at Ken Griffey Jr. Park when he told me that he's black.

RK: What? What do you mean, he told you he's black?

WADE: He said that blackness is a state of mind and he believes that he's black because he understands black people.

RK: Um, this isn't like being transgender. You can't just switch sides. Besides, if he really thinks like that, then he's the white people version of a coon.

WADE: A wigger?

RK: Yeah, that thing. I mean, that's, um, something to really take in, Wade. You should tell him to cut that out. He's making himself look like an idiot thinking crap like that.

WADE: The worst part is, the guys warned me. It's like they saw something I didn't. I don't know, all I know is I can't be friends with him anymore. I would have no self-respect if I let him believe something like that.

RK: Good for you, Wade. The good news is every white person who thinks they're black cracks under the pressure and never does it again. Kid Rock, Justin Bieber, Iggy Azalea.

Beat.

RK: Look it up, man. Even Justin Timberlake's guilty. Don't think people forgot about the Super Bowl thing, I know I didn't.

WADE: Thanks for your help, RK. It's good to know I always have my best friend to turn to.

RK: Sure thing. Your old boy is like a bloodhound when it comes to sniffing out phonies. By the way, I felt really bad about blowing you off last night, so I got you a souvenir from the protest.

RK gives Wade a large T-shirt.

WADE: "Down with Homework, Up with the People?"

RK: I know, it's pretty ballsy, but I had to send a strong message.

Beat.

WADE: I love it, RK.

SCENE 11

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

Wade walks out of class and is met by Tyrone.

TYRONE: Wade? What's going on, man? I know you're avoiding me.

WADE: Tyrone, where would you get such a madcap, screwball idea?

TYRONE: Well, you locked your car on Friday so I couldn't get in. You haven't answered my messages on Facebook, my texts. I even sent you a fax.

WADE: I don't have a fax machine.

TYRONE: Wait, so who the hell did I fax? Anyway, Wade, you have to understand that I'm a brother like you. Just because I was born white, doesn't mean a black boy in me doesn't exist.

WADE: Okay, I was avoiding you because I had to do this in person. Tyrone, you're not black. You never were, never have been, and never will be. And it's disrespectful to me, as a black person, to let you believe in something so dangerous. I mean, why would you even want to be black?

TYRONE: I don't want to because I know I am.

WADE: Okay, let's put this to the test for argument's sake. How do you feel about Eminem?

TYRONE: He's a great lyricist, but terribly overrated. And his beats suck.

WADE: All Lives Matter?

TYRONE: Hate it, one of the stupidest things I ever heard.

WADE: What about the n-word?

TYRONE: It's a term of endearment, why not use it?

WADE: So you want to use that word knowing full well that people would shit on you for using it?

TYRONE: Why would they? I'm black.

WADE: You're not black! Ugh, I don't even know why I tried this.

TYRONE: Because you're skeptical, Wade. I know people that look at me funny when I say this, but it doesn't matter what I was born as. As long as I understand what black people go through and feel more comfortable in their skin, I'm a black person for life.

Beat.

WADE: You need help.

Wade walks away from Tyrone but Tyrone tries running toward him.

TYRONE: Hey, you want to hear my Martin Lawrence impression? It's perfect! GINA! Ah, ah, how about it?

SCENE 12

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

Wade sulks as he eats with Sparky and Jaylynn.

SPARKY: So this guy actually thinks he's black?

WADE: Yes. He literally believes he was born in the wrong skin and that you don't have to identify with your biological race.

JAYLYNN: The f***? You can't change something that's not in your control. Did you tell him to cut it out?

WADE: I tried, but he's not budging. He's trying to look at blackness as something spiritual, like anyone can have it. You know what? I've had it. I think it's time to kill his ignorance by force.

Wade cracks his knuckles and leaves the table.

JAYLYNN: I had a bad feeling about that Tyrone from the start.

SPARKY: Yeah, no kidding. I just hope Wade straightens him out before...

Buster arrives on the scene with a paper in his hand.

BUSTER: You know what? I've had it with this school! All their rules and regulations and pencil-pushing teachers sucking up for paychecks! It's disgusting.

SPARKY: Whoa, whoa, buddy, what's gotten into you?

BUSTER: This awful grade got into me! Mr. Frax told us to write about a historical figure, and I did. I worked really hard on my report and HE SCREWED ME!

Buster hands Sparky the paper.

SPARKY: Okay, you got a D for writing about Ronald McDonald. Looking at it now, I don't see the problem here.

BUSTER: Exactly. It's some of my best work.

JAYLYNN: No, I think he means he sees why you got the D. Come on, Buster. Ronald McDonald was responsible for tearing down the Berlin Wall?

BUSTER: Of course. He just didn't want to take the credit. Ronald McDonald has been a part of some of history's most important events.

SPARKY: "In 2014, Ronald McDonald's influence paved the way for CM Punk to leave WWE, and for Daniel Bryan to win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania XXX." Okay, I don't see why Punk leaving was a good thing, but alright.

BUSTER: I don't like him anymore. He's mean now. You know, I'm starting to understand what RK was talking about. About the lack of respect, the man telling you what to do all the time, the special ed kids getting bullied in the bathroom.

JAYLYNN: He never said anything about the special ed kids.

BUSTER: It goes without saying. I'm not going to be a victim anymore. I'm standing up for myself. I'm joining RK's protest.

SPARKY: What? Buster, you can't be serious. You're just going to waste your time going on strike.

BUSTER: I'm sorry, Sparky. This is something I gotta do. Not just for me, but for kids everywhere. If we don't stand up now, then who will? Kids in other countries? Pffft. Yeah, right.

Buster takes his paper and leaves the cafeteria.

SPARKY: Buster, wait! Buster?!

Sparky sighs.

JAYLYNN: We're never going to be regular kids, are we?

The scene cuts to Wade at Tyrone's table with his friends, minus Tyrone.

WADE: So guys, I know Tyrone's the homie and everything, but you have to talk to him about this. I'm worried about his mental state. If he keeps believing he's black, he might end up convincing other people it's cool to do the same thing.

CHRIS: Eh, we tried. He kept saying he was black, so we let it be.

WADE: Guys, you can't just...wait, what? You all knew about this?!

LEON: Yeah. We told you that we knew about this as soon as you mentioned it, but you kept on talking so we decided to be polite and let you finish.

WADE: Why the hell would you let him continue deluding himself into thinking he's one of us?

KENNY: Well, he never meant no harm. I've always been cool with him, so I just let him cook. I don't see a problem with him thinking that. We all know it's not true, so who cares?

WADE: I do. This is a very serious situation, and somebody has to put a stop to it. It might as well be me.

Wade leaves the table at that point. Beat.

ADAM: You know what? Wade's right. I've been sitting here telling you idiots for months that Tyrone's messed up, but you wouldn't listen. It's about time someone took care of him.

Adam gets up from the table and leaves as well.

CHRIS: So now what do we do?

KENNY: Tyrone's your man, you deal with him.

CHRIS: Well, for Wade's sake, he better hope Tyrone doesn't lose his shit.

SCENE 13

The Jennings Household

Exterior Frontyard

Seattle, Washington

RK and Buster march in a circle on the lawn while holding up signs. RK's sign says "Heal the People" and Buster's sign says "We're Not Your Animals."

RK: What do we want?

BUSTER: Less homework!

RK: When do we want it?

BUSTER: Right now!

RK: What do we want?

BUSTER: More respect!

RK: When do we want it?

BUSTER: Right now!

At that point, KG opens up the blinds in the living room and the window.

KG: Guys, this is only a suggestion, but I'm pretty sure your protest would be a lot better if you did it in a place where everyone could see it.

RK: But this is our home base. Our fortress of revolution. If we leave, we have no starting point.

BUSTER: You know, RK, I've been thinking long and hard about this strike and I've realized something: It kinda sucks.

RK: You son of a bitch, is this a sting operation? Are you an undercover agent?!

BUSTER: No, I'm not working for anybody, you walnut. I'm just saying, we need a little something more to make this thing legit. Take it to the next level. What do most people do when they go on strike? Make demands? I think if we try that, it could help.

RK: Buster, that's brilliant! All we need to do is go back to school and let Principal MacGregor know how things are going to be. We draw up some demands, lay down the law, and presto! We're going to get everything we want.

BUSTER: Okay, let's get started.

The camera pulls back to reveal that KG is still at the window.

KG: Hey RK, why did you just mention pesto sauce?

RK: What? I said presto, not pesto.

KG: Oh. You know, it's kinda hard to hear where I'm standing.

Beat.

BUSTER: Why is he still there?

SCENE 14

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Principal's Office

Seattle, Washington

The next morning, Buster and RK are sitting down in Principal MacGregor's office.

RK: Now, Principal MacGregor, we are fully prepared to come back to school. But before we do, you have to make it worth our while. We have demands, sir.

RK gives Principal MacGregor the list of demands.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Your choice of food at lunchtime?

BUSTER: Why do we need to eat what the government feeds us? That's hustling backwards.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: A personal butler to do butler things for the both of you?

RK: Of course. Don't ask what butler things are. He'll know, it's his job. Oh, and we would prefer if the butler was British.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Friday breakfast with Harry Styles and CM Punk?

RK: I wanted Punk, not Buster.

BUSTER: I just want to pick Harry's brain. How did he and the guys come up with those classic songs?

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: Well, first of all, Buster, you should know that One Direction didn't write their own songs.

BUSTER: They had more input as time went on.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: And second of all, I can't make any of this stuff happen, guys. Do you see my schedule? I'm not spread very thick. And these demands are ridiculous.

RK: You know what? We thought you would say no, so we did what all great strikers do: We got an endorsement. Mr. Robertson!

Mr. Robertson walks into the office.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: George, what are you doing here?

MR. ROBERTSON: My former students needed my help, Mr. MacGregor. Now what I need you to understand is that these kids have problems with their studies, and they will be more than happy to get back into the classroom. They just need a push in the right direction.

RK: Exactly, exactly. So how about those demands?

MR. ROBERTSON: Oh, boys, that's not happening.

RK: What?

BUSTER: It's a swerve! He's turned heel!

MR. ROBERTSON: You two watch way too much wrestling. Now boys, you have to understand that elementary school is unavoidable, and that the educational system is a cruel mistress. I devoted my life to it for several years. I know how it feels. But it's not worth striking over when you have no case. And Mr. MacGregor, we need to start helping these kids become better students instead of discouraging them.

PRINCIPAL MACGREGOR: I agree. RK, Buster, if you agree to come back to school, I can speak with your teachers and we can figure out a way to help you both stay on top of your schoolwork and get ahead of the other kids.

RK: Well, I like the get ahead part. It's a deal!

BUSTER: Wait, the strike's over?

RK: Yeah, buddy, it's done. We're going back to work. And this time, we're gonna beat the man from the inside.

BUSTER: That's not exciting at all. This was the worst school break ever.

MR. ROBERTSON: You know, Mr. MacGregor, work at your own pace with these two.

SCENE 15

The Mitchell Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Tyrone opens the door after the doorbell rings to reveal Wade.

WADE: Tyrone, we need to talk.

TYRONE: Hey Wade. Come on in. I'm just watching Unsung. I think this one's about the guy from Shaft.

WADE: Hmmm. I haven't heard from him in a while, but Tyrone, look. This is it. I know you think you're black.

TYRONE: I am black.

WADE: Stop saying that! I know you see yourself as black, and I know that you genuinely believe that you're black, but just hear me out one last time. YOU. ARE. NOT. BLACK. You're white and that's all you'll ever be. You can't relate to black people on that level because you can't truly understand what we all go through. So I'm asking you, for the last time, will you please stop believing that you're black?

TYRONE: No. And you know what, Wade? I think you're just trying to wreck this for me.

WADE: Wreck what? What the hell are you talking about?

TYRONE: My whole life, people have been saying I'm not normal. That I have mental problems.

WADE: Are they wrong?

TYRONE: No one gets me. No one gets the fact that I've identified with black people ever since I learned how to walk. I can't stand it when people tell me to be who I was born as. God doesn't make the rules, Wade! I was born white, but I'm black and no one's going to tell me otherwise. I'm African-American between the ears where it counts.

WADE: Between the ears? When you grow up, I'm pretty sure a cop is going to look at you between the ears and keep on driving. You know something, Tyrone? At first, I thought you were just pretending to be black. Then I thought that all you needed to know was that it was wrong to be something you never could. But now I realize you're a mentally deficient, sick f*** who needs the highest form of counseling. And you're surrounded by people who enable you because they have no balls. So I'm just going to look the other way and never acknowledge you again.

TYRONE: That's what you think.

Tyrone takes out a gun and holds a confused Wade at gunpoint.

WADE: Okay, now I'm confused even more.

TYRONE: I thought we could be friends, Wade. But you had to complicate it with your whiny, self-righteous garbage. And since we're not cool anymore, I know you're going to try and embarrass me for the rest of my life. Which is why you're not going anywhere.

WADE: Are you insane? Wait, I know the answer to that. You're insane! You're really about to kill me because I exposed you for who you really are?

TYRONE: I'm only going to kill you if you try and escape. You know too much. Maybe when I can trust you again, you can leave. But this is my house, and you're living in it! WHOSE HOUUUUUUUUUUUSE?! TYRONE'S HOUUUUUUUUUUSE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Beat.

WADE: Do your parents know that you do stuff like this?

SCENE 16

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and Buster are watching TV.

RK: Well, that strike was a huge success. And the best part is, we learned a valuable lesson.

BUSTER: No, we didn't! I don't remember learning anything. The only thing I would even consider a lesson is that your bandana made you look like an idiot.

RK: Okay, but at least we're back in school.

BUSTER: How is that good news? You don't even like school.

Beat.

RK: You know what? You're right. We dropped the ball on this one.

RK's phone starts ringing. His ringtone is "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger.

BUSTER: Why is that your ringtone?

RK: I found the song one day on YouTube by accident. It's emotional, okay?

BUSTER: How do you find "Sister Christian" by accident?

RK: How do you even know this song?

BUSTER: My dad's a big Night Ranger fan.

RK answers his phone.

RK: Wazzup? It's the R-Man at your service.

WADE: RK, I need your help!

RK: Hey, I actually took your frigging suggestion here. Give me my props.

WADE: RK, TYRONE HAS ME TRAPPED IN HIS HOUSE. HE'S GOING TO KILL ME IF I TRY LEAVING. HELP ME!

RK: What? Okay, I'm coming right now!

RK hangs up.

BUSTER: What's going on?

RK: Wade's in trouble! Get in the car, I'll explain on the way.

SCENE 17

The Mitchell Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

With Buster in tow, RK opens the door and stares down Tyrone.

TYRONE: What do you want?

RK: Shut the f*** up and let Wade go.

TYRONE: I have no idea what you're talking about.

RK: YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. GIVE ME BACK MY BEST FRIEND!

TYRONE: Why should I? He's the one who can't accept transracial people!

RK: Okay, consider this a warning.

RK pulls out his gun and shoots Tyrone in the knee.

TYRONE: Ah, son of a bitch!

RK: There's more where that came from if you don't tell me where Wade is.

TYRONE: I don't know where he is, I swear! He was here with me like, ten minutes ago.

BUSTER: RK, I don't think he's getting it.

RK: You're damn right he isn't. Alright, Tyrone, this next one's coming straight for your head.

Wade emerges from the bathroom and rushes to the scene.

WADE: NO, STOP! It's fine!

RK: Wade, you're okay!

TYRONE: Where were you? He just shot me!

WADE: I'm not blind. And I had to make the call from the bathroom to get my friend over here. RK, thanks for coming. You were right about Tyrone the whole time. He's psychotic!

TYRONE: I'M psychotic?! The world's psychotic for not understanding what it's like for a black guy like me. You're just a coon, Wade. A big fat disgusting coon!

WADE: Hey Tyrone, there's something I've been meaning to give you.

TYRONE: What?

Wade knocks Tyrone out cold with one punch to the face.

WADE: Thanks for promoting black-on-black crime, dumbass.

BUSTER: So what do we do now?

RK: We could burn Tyrone's body and toss him in Bear Lake.

WADE: Or we could call the cops and make sure he goes to jail for keeping me hostage. Possibly even get him into a mental hospital?

Beat.

RK: Alright, we'll do it the boring way.

SCENE 18

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The guys are all sitting on the couch after a couple days.

RK: Man, what a f***ed up week we had.

BUSTER: You're telling me. At least we got Tyrone arrested for making Wade into a hostage. Plus, with any luck, he might be able to see a therapist to deal with his self-hatred.

RK: But...I already know this stuff. Why are you telling me this again?

BUSTER: I'm not. Sparky and Jaylynn weren't there, RK. They have the right to know what happened too.

SPARKY: Thank you, Buster.

BUSTER: You're welcome.

RK: Hey Wade, you holding up okay?

WADE: I guess. But I still can't believe what happened. I thought Tyrone was a great guy but it turns out he's just another wackjob. What's the point in making new friends?

JAYLYNN: I was a new friend.

WADE: Yeah, but Jaylynn, that was eons ago. I'm talking about the present.

JAYLYNN: Why do you hate me?

RK: Wade, if we're going to blame anybody for this, it should be me. I mean, if I didn't blow you off and get sidetracked by goofy schemes, you would have never started hanging out with Tyrone. You deserve way better friends than me.

WADE: RK, it's like I said before. No matter what happens, I'll never find a better best friend than you.

RK: You know, that actually makes all the crap we go through worth it.

SPARKY: I'm just glad everything is back to normal and that kid's getting his wake-up call.

JAYLYNN: You said it.

Beat.

BUSTER: Hey, you know what we found out at the precinct? Tyrone's real name is Gavin.

SPARKY: Really?

BUSTER: Yeah. What a dork!

The kids all start laughing at Tyrone's real name, culminating with Buster falling off the couch and banging his fist on the floor. Cut to black.

("Accident Murderers" by Nas featuring Rick Ross playing in the end credits)

©2016 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

ROAD TO 100: THREE WEEKS AWAY