Not Good Enough
By Dark Poltergeist
Everything had gone so well. They had gotten the medical supplies they needed for the Alliance, the money had been exchanged without incident, and he was on their way to the Falcon and a hasty retreat when it happened.
Bounty Hunters. And worse than that, a group of them working in unison as they hunted for someone. He recognized at least a couple of them as working for Jabba. He wasn't worried about one or two of them but to have a group working together? And looking for him? All right, that was an assumption, but given their proximity to him, a valid one. Just how much was Jabba willing to pay for him that would cause bounty hunters to work together?
Han swallowed the lump in his throat as the implications of that reality sank in, and he realized just how much the importance of his capture had gone up.
He looked around and saw a little used alley way that ran the direction that he needed to go and opted to use that as his escape route. As quietly as possible, he made his way into the alley, doing his best to blend in and he was almost out of sight of the small group when his foot bumped into a can that littered the ground. It made the smallest scraping sound, but he saw the head of a species he was not familiar with, jerk up with the sound and he knew he was in trouble.
He ran and thanked the deities he didn't normally pray to that the alley didn't dead end, and that he had sent Chewie on ahead to warm up the Falcon. He dodged and double backed and did his best to lose them as he made his way back to the Falcon, and he did manage to lose all but two of them. He hid behind a large fuel cylinder, the Falcon in sight. He wiped the sweat off his brow and waited, wanting to be sure it was as safe as possible to make a run for it. He had already commed Chewie and saw that the Falcon was powered up and ready to go. He rubbed his forehead against his arm again. It was so damn hot on this stupid planet. Well, no time like the present.
Han broke cover, blaster in hand as he raced towards his ship, half a hanger away. He heard the shots and the sound of running behind him. He saw the ramp of the Falcon was only a hundred yards away and pleased with himself, knew he was home free. No one would collect a bounty on him today. He was almost to the ramp when the blaster shots caught him on his thigh, high. It sent him tumbling hard against the ramp of his ship. He turned and without hesitation shot his two assailants. He smiled grimly as they lie still on the floor of the hanger.
Gripping his leg, he hauled himself up and limped into the ship, closing the ramp behind him as Chewie took the ship out of the hanger and into the atmosphere.
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The trip out wasn't much easier, as there were several hostile ships waiting for him. Han made his way to the cockpit and with the adrenaline pumping through his veins, did what he did best, he did impossible piloting and flew them out of trouble and into hyperspace.
It was only when he had a chance to lean back in his seat after they had made the jump that he realized that something was wrong. He blinked his eyes and shook his head as his vision blurred. And when he stood up, he swayed and had to catch himself on the seat. He heard Chewie warble in sudden concern and looked at his cockpit seat and saw a significant amount of blood.
Damn bounty hunter must have nicked one of his main arteries. That was the only thing that could explain so much blood. Was he bleeding out? That wasn't fair – he hadn't even kissed Leia yet.
"Chewie…" was all that he could manage before his world went black.
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The meeting of the High Command was at its halfway point, uninteresting topics that varied from the best use of shelving in the storage areas of Hoth, the mechanics of the best way to adapt the aircraft to the mind numbing cold, and how to keep the coffee maker working in this frigid environment.
Leia knew things like this needed to be managed but she wasn't in the mood for it. The Falcon was late, a week late in returning with the requested supplies, and Leia was worried. She knew it was dangerous out there, that since Han had helped them destroy the Death Star some years ago, he was wanted by the Empire as well as the Hutts. She knew he had a bounty on his head, but he had been vague about it, about the seriousness of that. He thought she didn't notice how he always changed the subject, but she did. And the fact that he did worried her because if he was unwilling to talk about it she knew it was something big, she just didn't know how big. Han was avoiding two bounties every time he went out on an assignment for them, and she was worried that one of these times he wouldn't come back.
A week late! Where could he be?
It was with some surprise that she looked at the doorway and saw General Rieken, motioning for her to join him in the hallway. Her inner senses suddenly thrown into turmoil and the somber look on Rieken's face told her more than she needed to know.
"Carlist?
"You need to come with me."
"Why? What's happened?"
"It's Solo. He and Chewbacca are back."
"But?"
"But he's in the MedCenter, seriously wounded. I think you need to see him."
Trying to maintain her composure, Leia nodded, and with no trouble at all, kept up with Rieken's speedy return to the MedCenter.
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Han Solo lie on his back on a MedBay bunk, sensors hooked up to him to monitor his vitals while he was still sedated, still recovering from the emergency surgery he had just experienced. Leia was almost embarrassed to see his state of undress, he was naked on his bed as he lay on his back, a blanket across his middle which left the large bacta patch covering a large nasty looking, jagged laceration on the front of his right thigh. It was the place that had cut his artery and caused a significant loss of blood. Leia bit her lip as she looked at the bag of blood that was slowly being pumped back into his veins, a much-needed transfusion. Between the blood he lost and the surgery it was going to be a slow recovery for the mercenary.
Chewie sat in the chair next to the bed and looked at Leia, relief apparent in his features.
Cub will be all right, Little Princess. He is past the worst of it now.
"How can you be sure?" She watched Han, deep concern apparent in her features.
Because he has much to live for, much yet to do; and because he needs to come back to you.
Leia stared at Chewbacca in shock.
"What does that mean?"
Chewbacca cocked his head as he gazed at her. I think you know what it means, and I think you feel the same.
Leia turned away from the gentle blue eyes and stared at the too still form of Han Solo.
Tell me I'm wrong.
Leia remained silent, staring at Han. She didn't want Chewie to see the tears in her eyes.
Cub will be fine, Little Princess.
"But he still needs to go into the bacta tank."
Yes, and he will hate that, but it will help him survive. He stood up and looked at Leia, his tone gentle when he spoke again. Come. Sit here and be with him. Beings hear many things when they are unconscious. He will hear you and come back to you. He has much to live for. You both do.
Leia nodded and pulled the chair beside Han as Chewie left the room, and she quietly placed her hand over his noticing how cool he was. She squeezed his hand.
"Come on, you Nerfherder. You can't leave me, not yet. We still have so many things to do. Together."
She quieted after that, content that he was back, and breathing, and that she could hold his hand through the night.
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The next day Han was deemed stable enough to be placed into the bacta tank. The medical team kept him in an induced coma and told the Princess he would be in there at least a day, longer if needed. They would have to monitor his progress to see how he progressed.
Leia acknowledged their expertise and knowing there was nothing she could do, she left him to Chewbacca's watchful eyes while she attempted to do her work.
Half a day later, Leia's schedule slowed down, and she managed to take the rest of the day off by switching some things around in her schedule. Not stopping for food, or rest, she made her way to the MedCenter just in time to see Han being pulled from the bacta.
"How is he?" she walked over to Chewbacca's side.
The Wookie turned a mournful expression on her. They say they cannot do any more bacta treatments, that given his reduced physical capacity, it would cause him more harm than good. That means they will put him back in bed and monitor his progress. They will keep him in the induced coma for at least another day.
Leia watched as Han was carefully placed on the bed and covered. His vitals checked out as normal although low, and there was no transfusion bag hooked up to him. He was pale and still, so very still. With a nod to Chewbacca, she pulled the chair closer to the bed, and took Han's hand in her own, holding it tight as she settled in for another night.
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It was a day later when Han finally stirred, his first signs of consciousness since the surgery. Leia had sent Chewie off to catch some sleep on the Falcon while she sat by Han's bedside.
Han was a very attractive man, she had realized that some time ago. At first, she put her interest down to simple physical attraction, but as they spent time together she realized he was a good friend, and despite their frequent spats, or maybe because of them, he touched something deeper with her. He awakened her passions, the ones that reveled in living, the passion for life she thought had died with Alderaan.
The truth is simple, she thought with a grim set to her lips. I care for him. No, more than that, I love him. But I'll never be able to tell him that. How can I when I know one day soon he'll leave?
But in moments like this, those times when life seemed so fragile, she had to admit it to herself, had to face the fact that her feelings for him were real, that she didn't know what she would do if she lost him.
He groaned, turning his head and opening his eyes. He blinked several times and squinted at her.
"Who are ya?" he asked, his voice raspy.
"Don't you know?"
He moved his head in a negative manner and winced.
"And why the hell 'm I lyin' in bed?"
"You were shot and needed surgery, you almost died," Leia said quietly and blinked back her tears.
Han's face softened as he gazed at her. "And you care?"
Leia nodded.
"Then I'm a lucky man if a beaut….beauti….pretty woman like you cares…" He closed his eyes and swallowed, then spoke so softly that Leia almost didn't hear his words. "I wish Leia did."
She blinked and looked at him, realizing they were having a drug induced conversation and he probably wouldn't remember any of this the next time he was conscious. She felt a bit guilty talking to him, but she would keep his words to herself in case he said something he might regret later.
"Leia, "he murmured again.
"What about Leia?" she prompted.
'She's the god-damned best thing…that ever happened…to me…. she means so much…
Leia's voice caught in her throat and she couldn't speak.
"I love her…I have for a while…but she doesn't know…she doesn't want to know…she doesn't care…" his voice was buried in his pillow and then he was quiet. Leia thought he had fallen asleep. She gently reached over and pushed the hair away from his face, enjoying the simple pleasure of touching him when he was so unguarded.
"She'll laugh at me…" he mumbled. "Trussed up like a bird and shot! A low-life mercenary that can't escape a trap! What good is that?"
"Why call yourself that?
"Cause it's what I am." He sighed. "I'm not good enough…for her. Don't know why I think…that I am…that I can be a better man…for her."
"Han, you're a good man."
"Wish she knew that."
"I bet she does. She sees more than you think she does. And I think she…feels the same things for you too."
"I wish." He was silent again. "I don't know how to make her love me. I don't think I can." He opened his eyes and looked at her, and she saw how bright they were. "And I love her."
Leia didn't have any answers for him despite how much she wanted to calm him, to soothe his hurt, there was nothing she could say to him now. She just wasn't ready. She looked at him and brushed his hair away from his eyes.
He turned his head to look at her. "Ya look like her, ya know?"
"Do I?"
"Yeah, and she's beautiful. Her eyes are so, so beautiful. They're dark and well, soulful."
"Soulful?" Leia couldn't help herself, she grinned at him. "You think Leia has soulful eyes?"
"The most soulful." Han's gaze was filled with warmth. He looked around and gave her a conspiratorial look. "Can I tell you something?"
"Yes, please."
"Sometimes, sometimes when she looks at me, when she cocks her head a certain way…and I see the sparkle, the glow in her eyes…"
"Yes?" Leia leaned forward, drawn in by Han's quiet confession.
"Well, it's so damn enticing…I, well, I feel kind of…gooey inside." He reached for her hand and gripped it in his own. "I've never felt like that! Ever! I've tried to ignore her, but I can't. I like it even when she yells at me." He frowned and squeezed her hand. "But don't tell her that."
Leia squeezed back. "I won't, I promise."
"Good." Han let go of her hand and rested his head on the pillow once again and closed his eyes. "I hope she's here when I wake up again. I miss her."
"She worries about you, Han. She misses you too. She couldn't stand it if anything happened to you."
"Ya think?"
"I know it."
"Good. Then maybe I have a chance," he mumbled and closed his eyes.
Leia leaned over again and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. "Trust me, Flyboy, you have a chance. A really good chance." She brushed gentle fingertips across his brow and his cheek, humming quietly.
He nodded against the covers, his manner calm as he faded into sleep. He opened his eyes one last time before succumbing to it.
"I just want her to be happy. I wanna make her…happy," he whispered as his voice faded and he began to snore softly.
Leia stared at him in wonder, a soft smile on her face, and she leaned forward and kissed his ear and whispered quietly. "You do, Han. You really do."
It would be hours before he awoke, so she set the less than comfortable chair next to his bed and sat back to wait.
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Han woke twelve hours later. The surgery and the bacta had combined and done their job with the repair of his leg intact and now healing, the transfusion and rest had restored his color and energy.
He knew none of that, only that he was awake, cranky and that his leg hurt like hell. And, he was in a small pair of briefs with only a warm blanket tucked over him. He groaned and then shivered.
"Why in the hell am I here?" he grumbled to no one in particular. He tried to move and felt the pain sear through his leg and he unleashed a string of angry Corellian curses.
"What was that?" Leia asked, amusement in her voice.
Han turned his head and squinted at her.
"Leia? What're you doin' here?"
"Watching you, Hotshot."
Han raised an eyebrow and gave her his best cocky grin and Leia felt relief sweep through her, as he spoke. "You like what ya' see, your worship?"
"What? You mean that? It will take more than your naked body to get me excited."
"I have shorts, your Worship." His hazel eyes lit with playfulness. "I can take them off?"
"Don't you dare!" Leia's strong reaction surprised both of them, and blushing, she looked away.
"Seems I touched a nerve. You do find me attractive."
"I didn't say that."
"You don't have to, the look on your face says it all."
"You're exaggerating your appeal."
Han smirked, but then let his expression soften as he extended his hand to her. "Hey, Leia. I'm teasing."
"I know, it's just that I was…worried about you."
Han's eyes glowed with a golden light and she couldn't stop the smile that crept out on her face. She loved when he showed her his soft side, and lately she'd seen more of it than she anticipated. To herself she would admit that he warmed a place in her heart that she thought had perished. She hadn't figured it out, but it only seemed to be a place that Han could reach.
"Thanks," he said, his thumb rubbing the top of her hand. With a sweet smile, he let go of her hand and tried to roll onto his side. He sputtered and winced, cursing under his breath.
"Easy, let me help you."
Han grumbled but allowed her help and then he sighed in relief.
"Better?"
"Sort of, still hurts like a son-of-a-bitch but at least I'm in a different position."
"Oh," Leia said as she suddenly realized that the blanket had fallen away from Han and she now glimpsed his tented shorts. She tried not to look but he couldn't stop her eyes from straying to the front of his abdomen. Blushing she brought her eyes up to his and saw him staring at her intently.
"Could you give me the blanket?"
"Uh, yeah, sure."
She picked up the blanket and helped to cover him up, finally meeting his gaze.
"Sorry 'bout that." He looked away from her, embarrassed.
Leia knew she shouldn't ask, but somehow, she couldn't help herself. "Is that because you're just waking up? Or is it…because of me?"
Han looked at her panic on his face before he looked away. He studied the ceiling above him and remained silent.
"What are you doing?" she finally asked.
"Thinking of anything but you," he replied gruffly.
"Why?"
Han shot her a strangely vulnerable look. "Maybe you'd better go," he said. "Maybe I'll at least be in some clothes next time you see me."
Leia laughed. "I don't have to leave if you don't want me to, I mean it's a normal function for a healthy male, and it means you must be recovering if you can react like that. Right?"
Han gave her a look that was a cross between bewilderment and amusement. "Yeah. I guess." He looked away again and swallowed. "I still think you should go. It's kind of difficult… to have a conversation when I'm…thinkin' of you. When the drugs…still aren't out of my system."
"What are you thinking about me?"
"Leia! Damnit! I'm thinkin' about how beautiful you are and how much I want to be with you! How much I lo…" Han suddenly clamped his mouth shut.
Leia went over to him, placed her hands on the bed, and leaned over him, her lips hovering over his. Staring into his eyes, noticing the flecks of gold that now highlighted the dark green, she realized what she'd always known, that his eyes showed his true feelings no matter how hard he tried to hide things. She felt emboldened by the knowledge he had shared in his delirium, the knowledge that Han did love her, she'd never use it against him, but maybe for just a moment she could let them enjoy the feeling.
Her lips brushed his and he groaned. Then she tenderly kissed him. She could feel his restraint as he kissed her back, so she opened her mouth to his. His reaction was instantaneous, and their tongues intertwined and began to explore one another's mouth. Their kisses quickly escalated into a deep, passionate exchange that left both out of breath when they broke apart.
"Krist!" Han swore.
Leia stared at him, as if a revelation was creeping over the walls of her consciousness. She could feel the dam that kept her feelings safely barricaded quaking with the deep emotion that this man evoked in her. Her emotional walls were crumbling, and she didn't know how to put them back together, she didn't know if she wanted to.
"Leia, honey, you really need to go. I want to do so much more, and I can't. This isn't the time, or the place and you have to be sure."
Leia nodded. "You're right. I'll come back later when they at least have you in a gown."
"Frickin' med gown! But, yeah. That'd be better."
She gave him a chaste kiss on his soft lips and stepped away. She tried not to notice how the tent over his middle had grown.
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The next day when Leia stopped by the Medbay she was surprised to see Han sitting in a chair next to his bed looking much healthier and crankier. He averted his eyes upon seeing her but at least he was now dressed in loose fitting sweat pants and a comfortable warm fleece shirt. She smiled at him.
He smiled back sheepishly and ducked his head.
"I've been told that the doctors are willing to release you to my care if you behave."
"Your care?"
"Yes, my care. It means you'll have to listen to me and Chewie for the next couple of days. And if you can't promise that you'll do that, you will have to stay here. Do you understand me?"
"Yes, your Worship, I do."
"Will you behave?"
A smile tugged at the corner of Han's mouth. "For you? Maybe." He smirked at her. "If you make it worth my while."
"I think me helping you get better is payment enough, don't you?"
"Yeah, it is." He gave her an almost pleading look. "You'll spring me from this place?"
"Consider it done."
"Thanks, Sweetheart. I owe you."
"I'll remember that. Come on, Flyboy. Time to go home."
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The doctors strongly recommended that Han leave in a wheelchair, but he insisted that he could walk on his own. Halfway back to the hanger, despite Han's protests, Chewie picked him up and carried him back to the Falcon. After they were inside, and Leia closed the ramp, Chewie set Han down outside of his quarters.
Sputtering in anger, he shook his finger at the Wookie. "Chewie, if you ever do that again, so help me…"
What will you do, Cub? Lock me in my room? The Wookie chuckled at Han. You could not have walked that way without aggravating your injury and then you would be back in the MedCenter again. And that is what you do not want. Am I wrong in this?
Han grumbled, but didn't argue.
I thought so. Now you need to go to your bunk so that we can take care of you.
"But I just got out of the Medcenter," Han whined.
"And you'll be back there if you don't listen to us." Leia reminded him, her hands crossed in front of her.
"Fine." Not to be outdone, Han crossed his arms in front of him, and wobbled, almost losing his balance. Instead he played it off as casually leaning back against the bulkhead. He jerked his head back, indicating his cabin behind him. "Think I'll go check out my cabin. Make sure everything's where it's supposed to be."
You're not fooling anyone, Chewie woofed. Go lie down before I carry you in there too.
Han gave him an offended look and carefully turned and with great precision walked into the cabin. After the door closed behind him, Leia looked at Chewbacca.
"You were kind of hard on him, weren't you?"
No, Little Princess, he expects it. If I treated him differently he would think there was something seriously wrong with him.
Leia looked past Chewie at Han's quarters.
Go to him, he won't say so, but he needs you.
Not knowing how to respond, Leia nodded. She made a brief knock on Han's door and then let herself in. He was sitting on the edge of his bed with his head bowed
"Han?"
"Hey," he said, and rubbed his eyes.
"I think you need to get to bed."
"Is that an offer, Sweetheart?"
Leia ignored him and bent down and removed his boots. He watched her with tired eyes. She batted her eyes as she looked up at him and gave him a coy little smile as she noted her position kneeling between his legs.
"Anything else you need?"
Han barked out a laugh and shook his head. "Not tonight, Princess. Rain check."
"In your dreams," she said and stood up.
"You have no idea," he murmured.
"Take off your pants."
"Say what, now?"
"You need to sleep, and I'll need to change the bacta patch when you wake up. So, take off your pants."
"You're a pushy Princess. You know that, right?"
"Of course, I know that. How do you think I get things done?"
Carefully, Han stood up and undid the fastenings on his pants, and he wobbled ever so slightly. Alarmed, Leia deftly slid his trousers down his legs and he raised a foot, one by one to step out of them. He gave her a resigned sigh as he looked back at her.
"You're treating me like a child!"
Leia couldn't help it, she smirked. Han looked like a petulant little boy. Hair ruffled, tired, standing in front of her in his underwear and whining about going to bed.
"I can't believe that you didn't proposition me."
"Too tired and sore, Princess. If I could take care of it myself you wouldn't be here," he grumbled.
"Does this hurt your pride?"
"Letting my guard down enough to get shot is bad enough! But almost dying from it?" He huffed. "Friggin' embarrassing."
Leia smirked and then disappeared into the fresher and came back with a glass of water and a couple of pills in her hand.
"Do I hafta?" He grimaced.
"Yes, you do."
"They taste terrible!" he pouted.
"Take the pills."
Grumbling he took them from her hand and swallowed. "There, happy?"
"Ecstatic. Now can you lift your feet up or do you need help?"
"I can do it, I'm not completely helpless." He took a deep breath and steeled himself, then without a word he lifted his butt off the bunk, settled it on the bunk and carefully swung his legs on to the bunk, and stretched them out. He shifted, cursing under his breath, until he found a tolerable position. Then he exhaled and closed his eyes.
"Goodnight, Han."
"'Night, Princess," he murmured, sleep already claiming him.
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It was quiet with only the Falcon's heating systems currently running, the hum was somehow comforting, and it was starting to lull Leia to sleep. It was nice being warm for a change. It was her turn to keep watch on Han, but he appeared to be resting comfortably, and she was really tired. The chair she was in was uncomfortable at best. She rubbed her neck trying to relieve the tension there.
"You okay there, Sweetheart?" Han's voice growled at her and she jumped at the unexpected sound.
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"
"I hurt, but I'll survive."
"I'm glad you work up, it's time for your anti-biotics. And some more pain killers."
"I don't want the pain killers. They make me groggy."
"Take them one more time and if you're good in the morning I'll let you get off them."
"On one condition."
"What's that?"
"Come to bed with me."
Leia scowled at him.
"No, Princess. All I mean is that you're tired, I'm tired and too drugged out to do anything anyway. We can sleep. I think you need some sleep too."
"No, I'm fine."
"You say that all the time, but I know better." He sat up, wincing as he did so. "Okay, give me the pills."
Leia got his pills and another glass of water and handed them to him. Han stretched back out on the bunk and patted a spot beside him. "Come on, Leia. I'll behave, I promise."
Leia considered her options. He really did seem all right, and she was tired. Sleep sounded so good to her. She ignored the inner voice that told her how nice it would be to be held in Han's arms and kept warm by him.
"C'mon. Please."
Leia gave up on her inner battle and gave him a nod.
"Ya aren't gonna sleep in that, are ya?" Han jerked his chin at the snowsuit she was wearing.
She gave him a look of reproof.
"C'mon, get comfortable, ya wanna sleep well, don't you?"
He did have a point. Turning her back to him, she took off the outer jacket and thermal snow pants which left her in a plain white chemise and plain white underwear, both rebellion issued. She stood and looked at him uncertainly.
While it wasn't the stuff of his fantasies, she was still enchanting. He wished he felt like doing more, and at the same time, was glad that he didn't. Instead he gave her a sleepy smile and patted the bed beside him.
Cautiously, Leia walked over to the bunk and with Han holding the blanket open, she gently rolled under the covers and into his warm arms. She was overwhelmed when he smiled down at her, unable to hide the happiness in his eyes. He leaned down and gave her a sweet, chaste kiss and then cleared his throat like he was going to say something, but then clamped his mouth shut.
"Han?"
"Nothin', Sweetheart. Just, thanks for takin' care of me."
"You're welcome, Han."
Han settled back on the bunk as Leia settled back against him.
Content, they both closed their eyes and settled into sleep.
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Leia was loathe to wake up, for the first time in ages she was warm and comfortable and felt protected. She snuggled against the warm body at her back and sighed before her eyes flew open. What warm body at her back? Where was she and who was she with? What had she done?
She calmed herself and listened, hearing Han's soft snoring behind her, and she relaxed. She allowed herself a few moments to breathe in his scent and his nearness, to take comfort from the simple act of being with him, of being held in his arms. She was surprised at the serenity it gave her, the security that she didn't know she needed. Deeper emotions swirled beneath the surface of those thoughts and she pushed them away, she only wanted to make sure he was healthy, she had no other intentions towards him.
But still, argued the voice inside of her head, you're here in his arms and you've slept better than you have since the Death Star. It was true, and she knew it, but she didn't want to explore the depth of her feelings for Han. She just wasn't ready.
His breathing pattern changed, and she could tell that he was starting to wake up. She heard him mumble her name in his sleep and he pressed closer to her. She was both apprehensive and intrigued when she felt his hardness against her back. And somewhat mortified when her body, seemingly of its own accord, pushed back against him. He groaned into her ear and it sent waves of warmth through her, and she felt uncomfortably warm at her core. What was it that this man did to her?
"Han," she whispered, wanting to wake him up, but not knowing what she really wanted to happen next. "Han, wake up."
"Leia," he whispered into her ear and sleepily kissed her cheek. "I'm dreamin' about Leia." He tightened his hold and pushed against her again and she thought her world might explode. The feel of him against her went right to her center and she turned over to face him so that he couldn't do it again. In hindsight she realized that was maybe not her best decision.
"Han, wake up," she said a bit more loudly.
He groaned and pulled her against him, his lips slowly moving along her neck.
Leia began uttering a string of Alderannian curses under her breath because she realized she didn't know what the hell she wanted him to do.
The lips moving down her neck suddenly stopped and a pair of sleep hazel eyes, darkened with desire blinked at her in confusion.
"Leia? What the hell are you doin' in my bed?"
"You invited me here, don't you remember?"
She watched as the sleepy through processes worked through Han's mind and dawning comprehension as he looked back at her.
"The pain killers."
Leia nodded.
"And I invited you here cause you were tired and I thought we could both get some sleep."
"Yes."
Han became aware of the fact that he was pressed up against her and when she moved, he groaned. "Honey, I'm thinkin' this was not one of my better ideas. Maybe you should get out of the bunk now."
"I think you're right. Do you need to use the fresher?"
"Yes, but you can go first, just don't take too long."
Leia took her snowsuit with her and did her morning cleanup routine and emerged a few minutes later dressed and ready for her day. Han was sitting up in bed and looked relieved when she entered the room.
"Why don't you ask Chewie to make some Kaffe and I'll be out in a few."
"Not until I change the bacta on that wound."
"Oh, yeah, right." He grimaced, and Leia had the distinct impression it wasn't just from the wound. "I still need you to go talk to Chewie about the kaffe and give me a few minutes. I'll call ya when I'm ready for the dressing change."
"Okay." She agreed and excited the Captain's bunk allowing him his privacy.
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Han called for her about 15 minutes later. He was standing, but leaning against the wall, clad in only his boxers. "I wasn't sure how you wanted me, Sweetheart."
"Lie down on the bed, please." Leia said, pulling a chair next to the bunk as Han gingerly laid himself out as requested.
"Sure you don't need me to remove anything else?"
Leia just glared at him and Han chuckled.
Then she inspected the leg wound that had almost killed him. Bacta was an amazing substance and had done a substantial job at healing the deep blaster wound. Though the skin was still new and fragile, there was remarkable progress. He might have a scar from it, but better that than dead. She was relieved to find no signs of infection either. In her best bedside manner, she applied a new coating of bacta and changed the dressing. She was rather surprised at how quiet Han remained during the entire process.
"You all right?"
Han grunted what sounded like a yes.
"I'm not used to you being so quiet," she prodded.
"I'm thinkin'."
"About what?"
"'bout us."
"Han, there is no us."
"But there could be, I mean, I know I'm not good enough for you, but sometimes I still think there could be an us. That maybe somewhere, deep, deep, down, that maybe you kind of like me," he said into his pillow. "Do you ever think that? Do ya ever imagine what we could be like?"
"Han, I can't answer that."
He scowled. "Course not. Why would you ever think about that?"
What Leia didn't tell him was that she thought about it often, too much, truth be told. But what good would it do to have personal feelings when she had a rebellion to run?
"Huh, no answer? Guess I'm right. Ya done?" With a snort of derision, Han pushed himself off the bed and pulled on his loose sweat pants, and a loose shirt. He gave Leia a sour look and disappeared without further comment.
Leia quietly put the medical kit back together, mentally scolding herself for not having said something to Han, for not having given him something of her feelings. But how could she do that when she couldn't see a future for them because of the war, because of her obligations, because of his. No matter how much she might want it.
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She was dismissed the next day. There was simply no other way to put it. When she came to check on Han, he wasn't in the Falcon. Instead she found Chewbacca busy working on some wiring in the cockpit.
"Where's Han? He needs his wounds tended to."
Chewbacca poked his head out from under the panels of the cockpit and growled unhappily.
"So he's not here?"
Chewie shook his head and bared his teeth and made a rude sound.
"But I need to tend to him."
Chewbacca's eyes softened as he regarded Leia, and he shook his head. He gestured towards the ramp indicating that Han was out there somewhere.
"Do you know when he'll be back?"
Chewie shook his head.
"But who will take care of him?"
The Wookie huffed, and pointed to himself. He did not look like a happy Wookie.
Leia found that she felt oddly upset by her dismissal, by Han's refusal to see her. Hiding her feelings, she put a smile on her face and left the Falcon.
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Leia wandered into the mess hall that was at a lull between meals and deserted. She poured herself a cup of the godawful coffee that was already cooling off and took a seat at a corner table, resting her cheek on her hand.
What was it about that man that both attracted her and at the same time made her crazy? He was far smarter than most people gave him credit for, and she saw through his mercenary façade shortly after they destroyed the Death Star. Han had a heart, a big one from the glimpses he allowed her to see, from the glimpses that snuck out without his offering. She also knew that she was somehow the target of Han's growing infatuation with her because that's what it obviously was. How could it possibly be anything else? It just wasn't possible that it could be more than a crush on his part, or on hers for that matter.
And there was an incredible physical attraction, she couldn't deny that any longer. Han was an incredibly handsome man. He was put together very nicely. She noticed how the bloodstripes fit over his muscular thighs and calves, how his ass was so firm and appealing. And the few times she had seen him without a shirt allowed her to note his firmly sculpted chest and muscular arms. And his face, easily as handsome as those silly heroes on the continuing dramas that she had watched as a child. His hair never wanted to stay in place, he had a scar on his chin that gave him even more character, and his eyes were a kaleidoscope of browns and greens, ever changing depending on his mood.
She stirred her coffee, completely lost in her thoughts.
And Han was the only one that treated her like a woman, like a real person and not someone to be forever placed on a pedestal. Instead, he provoked her, he argued with her, and he made her laugh. He brought her back to life after the death of her homeworld, and for that alone she owed him more than she could ever repay him.
In many ways he was the complete package, everything she wanted, really. Smart, handsome, witty and far more compassionate than he wanted anyone to believe. He cared about her, there was no doubt about that. For some reason though, he thought that he wasn't good enough for her, he thought that was why she didn't want him.
It wasn't that at all, he was her equal in so many ways. He couldn't help his background any more than she could hers. But he kept saying he was going to leave. How could she risk her heart knowing that he would leave soon?
She wasn't sure how, but she had to find a way to let him know some of this. He needed to know that she cared for him and the reason she was holding back from exploring more with him. He deserved that much consideration.
Frowning, she finally began to drink her now cool coffee.
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Han sat alone in the frozen observation deck that looked over the dismal forever white landscape. It was cold here, but no colder than anywhere else on this damn frozen ice cube. He stared unseeing at the desolate horizon.
That damn Princess!
He had to admit that somehow, she had wormed her way into his heart, and she had done it without even trying to. But who was he fooling? He'd had it bad for her ever since the Death Star rescue. He loved that she was smart, brave, strong, and challenged him. She was nothing like any other woman he had ever been around. She was so mature that he often forgot how young she really was. He was acutely aware of it when he first met her. The attraction was definitely there but he somehow reminded himself to behave, to not try to seduce her because of her age. But over the last two years it seemed she had matured even more and was wise beyond her years. Resisting her was next to impossible, but he couldn't act on those impulses because he didn't want to scare her away.
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
She was too much for any one man. Too much goodness, too much intellect, too much courage, and too much selflessness. What right did any man have for that? What right did he have? None. The answer was none.
Han kicked at an imaginary pebble and frowned.
He shouldn't be mad at her if she didn't want to pursue a relationship with him, just because he wanted it didn't mean it was something she would want. She deserved better than him, he had always known that. So, he needed to get over himself and get his head back in the game.
One of these days he needed to get his ass in gear and go see Jabba, even if that meant that he had to leave the rebel base. That he had to leave Leia.
His heart clenched at the thought.
Damn, Solo! You have it so bad for that little snip of a woman. Wonder what she'd think if she knew that she held your heart in her hands?
He closed his eyes for a few moments and let his imagination loose. He imagined holding her and kissing her with abandon as she kissed him back with equal eagerness. He could feel her body as he held her against him, her kisses burning down his body as they explored each other, their clothes scattered on the floor; the wedding that would never be, they stared into each others eyes with love shining from them as they exchanged their vows; and a baby, a beautiful baby produced from their love.
Han thought his heart would stop with that imagined image, one that he never knew he wanted until this very moment.
He opened his eyes and wiped away some snow that must have fallen on his cheek, there was nothing else it could be. He was startled to see Leia standing a few feet in front of him.
"Leia," was all he could manage, still inwardly reeling from where his dreams had taken him.
She studied him with somber eyes and he felt vulnerable, exposed, even though there was no way she could know what he was thinking.
"Han," she nodded at him, but her face remained unreadable.
"Ya want somethin'?"
Leia shoved her hands deeper in her pockets and studied Han's unhappy face. "I wanted to talk to you."
"So talk."
"It's just that…well…I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression."
"What impression might that be?"
"The impression that you're not good enough for me." She met his gaze. "It's simply not true."
"What is it then?" he asked and stepped over to her, stopping so close that she had to look up at him to meet his eyes.
"It's just that…well…I do think you're good enough for me. You're the only person that treats me like a real person. The only man that treats me like a woman and not some sad little Princess that needs to be protected." She paused. "And I'm grateful."
"How grateful?"
"Grateful enough to admit that you're a good friend, a really good friend, and that I don't want you to leave."
They studied each other intently for a few seconds before Han drew Leia into a surprising embrace. He silently kissed the top of her head. He held her and rocked her, murmuring her name against her hair. She pulled away and looked into his face.
"Don't leave, Han. We'll find a way to pay off Jabba."
"And if I stay?"
"I can't promise anything. I have too much to do."
Han stepped away and blew out his breath, and he watched as it hung in the air and then dissipated.
"I know, and I understand. I just wish it was different. I wish…never mind."
"What do you wish, Han?"
"I can't tell you, your Worship. It wouldn't mean anything to you. It's ridiculous anyhow."
"I doubt that. And I can't give you my opinion if you don't share it, can I?"
Han just shook his head.
"Are you still mad at me?" she asked.
"No. At least not at the moment." His mouth turned upwards in a quirky smile which she found oddly endearing.
"We're better then?"
Han nodded, and Leia exhaled in relief, she had been unaware she had been holding her breath.
"I can tend to your wound?"
"Ya don't need to, Sweetheart. It's good enough that I can take care of it on my own, and I should be cleared for flight in two days."
She frowned, worry still on her face. "You're supposed to take it easy for a week."
"Says who?"
"The Med Center."
"And you want me to listen to them?"
"Yes, I do. I don't want you to relapse, or I don't know, tear something."
"Tear somethin'?" Han smirked at her. "Like what, Princess?"
Leia flushed as she realized she was looking at Han's bloodstripes. "I don't know, something."
Han laughed and pulled her to him again. "If it will make you happy, I will stop at the MedCenter."
"Good."
"But on one condition."
"And what's that?"
"That you have dinner with me on the Falcon."
"Why?"
"So, we can eat. Maybe talk a bit. Play cards." He shrugged.
A slow smile spread across Leia's face and she nodded. "I can do that. "
Han put his finger under her chin and looked into her eyes. Leia swallowed as she became lost in the darkening green of his eyes, and the rest of the world ceased to exist. He leaned forward slowly, giving her a chance to move away but she couldn't. Then she felt his lips on hers in a gentle but lingering kiss. He drew away his eyes searching hers, watching her reaction.
She touched her lips with her fingertips for just a moment and then looked at him with some wonderment. "Why did you do that?"
"I've wanted to do that for a long time, Leia. You're a beautiful woman."
"Am I?"
"You don't know that?"
She shook her head. "Why else?"
"You want more?" He seemed amused. "All right. It's not a lark, Leia. It's not a bet. It's not to get into your pants. Well," he grinned at her, "not just that."
"Then what?" Her expression was earnest.
"It's because I care for you. A lot." Han swallowed, his expression somber until he shook it off and smiled at her again. "I want you to know that I'm not playin', that you mean a lot."
Leia nodded and dropped her eyes, unable to meet her gaze. "You mean a lot to me too."
"You like me?"
Leia looked at him and rolled her eyes. "You really are such a nerfherder. What do you think?"
Han's grin nearly split his face and he surprised her by pulling her to him and dropping kisses in her hair as he held her tight. She squeaked, and he released his hold. She laughed at the concern on his face.
"Now, to the MedCenter."
"I was hoping you wouldn't remember."
"Come on. I'll escort you, so you don't wander away."
"That means you're coming over for dinner, right? I mean, it is an agreement."
"Yes, it's an agreement."
"Good." Han looked smug. "Oh, Chewie will be there, and I think I'll invite Luke too. I haven't seen the kid for a few days."
"I'd like that."
"Better and better," Han murmured softly but Leia heard him anyway.
Han hesitated at the door of the MedCenter, but Leia pushed him though. She laughed as he began to grumble, knowing that it meant he was back to his normal, fit, and irritating self. Maybe there were possibilities in life after all, even if they involved a handsome, irritating smuggler.
THE END