I DO NOT OWN KUROSHITSUJI, AND I WILL NOT PRETEND TO, ALL RIGHTS GO TO YANA TOBOSO.
There is a word for what I am feeling, but it doesn't happen to me. For I cannot feel such an emotion as this. It is unnecessary for my heart to speed up, and my palms to sweat. I have no need for it. Why then? Why does this small child in my arms try and prove everything I am wrong? Why does this young boy with a beautiful soul, why does he make me feel? For I should not, to experience such a strong mix of feelings makes me cringe as it peels away at my skin. The cold blood running through my veins turns hot, and it creeps up into my cheeks. How does this boy do it? What magic is strong enough to break through a barrier of cold, lifeless, hatred, and lust? Nothing. There is no magic to it, it is just his warm, pale, and limp body in my arms. Nothing more could create such a feeling of despair to course through my cold veins. Just being around him makes me sick with strong emotions. I hate it… No, that's a lie, I hate him. Right? He forces me to be a petty servant, and it disgusts me. The end result will be so utterly amazing though. I will devour his soul. It will be like no other. Even without his soul being at its peak flavor, it is still mouth-watering. Yes. He will be a fine one indeed. So I will put up with his orders, and his bratty tendencies, for one day I will be able to see his cold lifeless body lay there, and I grin at just the mere thought of it. For now his fragile sleeping body lay in my arms. Only moving for his breathing, and gentle murmurs of dreams. I shall hold him until he feels the safest, and then I will rip it all from him. His life will be ended, and his soul in my body, but then why do I feel in pain for the child…
That stupid demon. Always messing up and screwing around, he is a pointless tool. I despise him, and once I have no other use of him, I will be dead. I will rot in the pits of hell for all eternity, and I will enjoy it. Revenge is not something to be taken lightly, for if it did not exist, neither would I. I hate that stupid demon, he manages to sneak his way into my dreams, my nightmares, and my days. I can't get rid of him, but why would I? He is the best tool for my success, and I would not have a better one. Dreams very rarely appear but when they do, they always seem to be horrible, filled with nothing but him. I don't like how I feel about him, and I know he doesn't anything but loathe me… Then why am I so attached to the death of me? I don't mind sleeping while he holds me and thinks bad about me, as long as I can be near him... He hates me so much, and yet he is the only family I have, well… Besides Lizzie and the three musketeers that ruin my mansion on a daily basis… I love him, and he will devour me.
The young boy in my arms shifts, and is now clinging to my chest. What a strange human. He smells so delicious, and I can't help but take in a deep breath of his scent. Why does he challenge me so? It is as if he tries to torture me, even in this dormant state, he pushes me to limits no other could. I hate this mere human. He is nothing but a soul to quench my desires, then why do I feel a need to just touch his face? Just to brush his hair out of his face, and see the emotions of his dreams. No. I must not wake the young master, for he would surely punish me. Though a human could not injure me, it would break me for him to be in pain, and for him so slap me again would crush me. His breathing is speeding up, I wonder if he is having a nightmare…
Se..Seb…..Sebastian!
The young master started whispering my name… Stupid boy, he must be having nightmares about me taking his soul. If he was going to be so scared to give it away, why would he make the deal anyway? He could've left me out of this, it's not like I need him. He is but a poor lonely soul, wandering in a body that shouldn't exist. If he didn't exist I wouldn't have these emotions, everything would be much better. Damn this boy. Damn him to hell, hah.. he damned himself there by calling upon me. Stupid mortal. Calling upon a demon is almost a worse fate than calling upon a fairy. Those creatures can spin your words in a matter of seconds to the point where you would admit loving the things you hate most. I have had to deal with many of that kind, but it seems my young master has the same ability. I have no other feeling but hate of the boy, and yet he seems to have tricked me…
Sebastian? Why isn't that helpless demon waking me up? This is horrid. My dreams shouldn't be this… Sweet. I wish not to have dreams of him, especially ones like this. I can't help but love him though, he is my life, my death, and my in between. Why can't this monster just get out of my head? I wish he would just pack up and leave me to wallow in my sufferings. I hate him for not waking me. Sebastian, this is an order, get me out of this dream! I wish not for him to leave me completely, I only wish him to not be in my every breath. For him to let me go would kill me, and I couldn't take another loss, I fear I wouldn't wake. Sebastian means so much, and I treat him as if he is nothing, as if to trick myself into believing he doesn't matter to me. It will not work, I should stop kidding myself, but it is so hard. I need to let go of my life, I need to let my revenge swallow me whole. Until I am nothing, and then i will cease to exist. My demon will swallow my soul, and my servants will cry at my funeral. I will have a closed casket funeral. I will not let them see my pale body, lying there nothing but an empty shell. I feel almost empty now, so it shouldn't take long for me to disappear.
If I wake the boy, he might be mad, but if I don't he may be even more upset… Decisions, decisions. If I move his hair from his face I might wake him, if I place a slight kiss on his head, if he stirs... No. Why would I even suggest such a thing, I will not kiss this human, the thought disgusts me, but… No, I'll just wake him by tapping his shoulder, that will work. Wait, why would I care about the boy? He has done nothing but uses me, and tricks me into not hating him, into having more than apathy for this boy. I hate him, so why should I wake him. Let his dreams torture him. For I cannot and it is the only payback I fear I will get.. I should wake hi… No. I'm done thinking these putrid things, why would I feel guilt for this child. I can't it is wrong I shouldn't be able to feel anything anymore. What kind of butler would I be if I couldn't ignore my gut? A good one. I'll wake him up. Tapping on his shoulder, the young child opens his eye in fury. ~SMACK~
That bastard, why didn't he wake me sooner. He really is a worthless piece in this game. Did I just call my life a game? That's funny, I can see it being a game of chess, my servants as the pawns, and my demon as the knight. Of course I'm the king and nothing shall dethrone me as long as my knight is by my side. Only my knight shall end me. I will only allow it to be him, I shall take no other. I can only say this…
I took the smack with respect, saying my apologies. I believe I finally found the word I was thinking of, that feeling, emotion that I no longer believed existed. I believe the phrase goes…
(BOTH) I Love Him