"Himemiya-san, what are you making?"
"It's a special mixture, Utena-sama. It's for people who are in love."
"Oh? A love potion?"
"Not quite. It only works on people who have already fallen in love."
"Ah, I see. Well, doesn't that make it less useful, then?"
"No, not at all. It has plenty of useful qualities."
Shiori stared hungrily across the room at the red haired girl, resting her chin on her arm. The way she crossed her lungs and swung one of them might have made her appear relaxed, but in reality she was gritting her teeth and narrowing her eyes, silently seething.
The red haired girl laughed and flirted jokingly with her fencing friend, then took out her sword, completely comfortable with it, and began to thrust it with confidence and suaveness. Shiori was instantly reminded of the day they had to take a test of courage together and winced.
"I'd rather not talk about that," she said aloud crossly to herself.
It could have been a romantic escapade, but no. Every moment that she screeched while Juri remained cool and collected while others laughed gaily seemed to leave her with a bitter impression. They weren't really laughing at her, but they might as well have been. To them, it was just a fun activity to joke around and poke fun at, no matter how scary things got. To her, it was something horrible and unpleasant, and to Juri it was just a shoddily put-together display by the Occult Club.
Shiori grabbed at her ugly short hair and yanked viciously. She wasn't the kid who walked up to a bug and picked it up curiously, examining every rolypoly and letting lady bugs crawl on their hands. She screamed when she saw a daddy long legs near her, begging one of the boys to kill it for her (hadn't she ever seen a spider before? It shouldn't be this big of a deal). The first time she'd ever dealt with bugs herself was when she was backed up in one corner, wearing nothing but a towel, and the spider was backed up in another. She wanted to scream, but she was in a public shower and she didn't want to alert anyone to her weakness. Besides, she was all alone...it would accomplish nothing. She'd whimpered for three minutes, pathetically begging the spider to move and turning on the water in hopes that it would be washed away, but the stupid thing just climbed up the wall and continued to fight for its life.
Then finally, unable to take it anymore, she screamed and squashed the ugly, miserable creature it cruelly underneath her foot, then cried out as if she was the one being smothered. Afrer that piercing, shrill screech however, she had to wash it off. Silently detaching herself from the situation, she simply turned on the hot water, washed off her foot, then grumpily got out. She had been through enough. She didn't even have enough in her to yell any more...what was done was done, and she forced herself not to feel sorry for the poor beast.
Ever since then, Shiori reflected, she had gotten used to squashing bugs. She'd grab a tissue, just like her mother, and wait silently, watching where they crawled, then pounce on them without a single whimper or smidge of mercy. One time, she waited for minutes until the bug finally crawled out from behind a chair, then hastily grabbed it with her wad of paper tissue, and threw the whole lot into a garbage can. Not to walk away without getting the job done, she also sprayed insecticide into the garbage can, just to make sure, and shut the lid. If any of the other girls caught her, they would probably remark on how strangely paranoid ahe had been about something so simple as a bug. Couldn't she just have used a magazine to set it free?
No, Shiori shook her head. It had to die. She could not just look away or try to throw it out the door in hopes it wouldn't come back in. She had to be thorough about the job, no hesitation, and absolutely no weakness. So what if she overdid it. She crossed her arms too. No bug was going to get the better of her ever again or catch her whimpering like a pathetic little baby.
"Wouldn't you like to join the fencing club, too? Then you can also talk to Juri-senpai," some of the girls breathed.
Shiori had laughed from her comfortable chair, eating a bar of chocolate. "Thanks, but no thank you. I'm not huge on sports," she had replied.
At the time, they looked at her in admiration. A girl with a perfect figure, eating exactly what she wanted while indifferently sitting above the whole fencing gym. Wow.
But naturally it was fake. Shiori had crossed her legs, if only to hide how bloated and meaty they were. She had checked her waistband at least twice. No, she desperately, pathetically longed to be on the floor with Juri, duelling with her and disarming her and proving herself equal. But anyone with a brain could tell that Juri was superior, even if she didn't have a stupid obsession with her, she would have to admit that. The instant she stepped onto that floor, it would be like facing a million spiders, and losing, and watching them all laughing at how pathetic and weak she really was in the end. No, she would never give Juri that satisfaction. Sure, she could undermine her mental state easily by stealing whatever guy she wanted or messing with her locker (yes, of course she knew the combination, she wasn't stupid), but she would never stand face to face with Juri in her domain. Never.
The laughter and scuffing sounds slowly wore at her patience. The girls were growing, getting better, and enjoying it. Juri was praising them.
A pang. Maybe you should have tried to join at the same time as them. Or before them.
Shiori scoffed and clenched her fingers. There was no going back now. She had made her decision and sealed her fate; now, she would never dare to set foot on those floors.
It's not too late to join-
"Don't you dare even fucking think that," Shiori snarled at her brain.
And Juri continued, always happy, always confident, always blessed with talent and successful at whatever endeavor she chose. Shiori glared down at the blue haired boy as she teased him in a friendly, comfortable manner. Hated him even more when he blushed like a maiden in a shoujo manga. God. One time she'd tried to read the same manga that boring girl named Wakaba had been toting around, and put it down angrily. Of course the heroine was naturally good looking and rich. Of course there were plenty of handsome boys interested in her, for no really apparent reason. Of course she was clumsy, talentless, and an absolutely airheaded idiot, and yet blessings just seemed to come to her. Shiori had felt the urge to hurl the stupid book out the window and scream.
And now she wanted to do the same, just staring at the blue haired boy. By virtue of being cute and regularly near Juri, they had bonded to the point that she felt comfortable flirting with her. Same with the other girls that she joked around with. None of them had done anything particularly admirable and none of them would ever be at Juri's level, but despite how foolishly obvious and easy they were with their feelings, Juri liked them and praised them. Unlike them, she wasn't a simple-minded fan girl, she had her dignity. But in the end, they now knew Juri better than her - therefore, they had more right to her feelings.
And that was the worst. No matter what, those common girls would always have that above her. Shiori hated it.
Maybe you should stop thinking you can earn your way into Juri's heart, a voice scolded. You're childhood friends, after all. You know her better than any of these girls.
Yes, but they're closer, Shiori replied sullenly. And I refuse to be just an easy, infatuated fan. I don't want to be her kouhai. I would rather be an equal. Or more.
But well, at least practice was ending. Good. Shiori yawned and stretched, then pretended to glance away in disinterest and focus on something else. Anything other than letting Juri know she had been watching her. She then stealthily glanced down without turning her head or moving her position. Then nearly jolted.
Juri was staring up at her.
Shiori immediately glared and backed away.
She was still staring. The fan girls had left for the locker room but Juri, still clad in her fencing clothes, was looking up at her as if she expected something.
Shiori looked behind her. Nothing special to be looking at. She turned back and, taking a deep breath, met the redhead's intense stare. "Did you forget something upstairs, Juri-senpai?" She asked sweetly, her voice dripping with artificiality.
Juri blinked. Finally. "Oh, no," she replied coolly, "but actually, would you mind coming down?"
Stepping down? No way! Shiori's legs trembled as she backed a step. No, no, no.
Juri-kun, you've grown so tall! And Shiori is still so short. Why don't you stand together so I can see how big you are?
Mom, please, let's not...
Oh, Mrs. Takatsuki, that won't be necessary. Besides, Shiori has grown a lot in many other ways.
Shiori's face turned red.
No, no, no, I insist. Stand next to my daughter, right here. Come on, I'll take a picture, and then you two can reminisce about how it was like when Juri got her first growth spurt.
Juri smiled serenely. "I'm still waiting for you," she said. "Are you coming?" She asked teasingly.
Teasingly. Shiori shook her head. This didn't make any sense...why was Juri teasing her? Did she really think she was no better than any of those other stupid girls? Shiori wanted to slap that smile off her face.
But, her weak human legs wouldn't obey her. Something in that smile made it impossible for her to walk away. And, Juri was asking her to come down...didn't that imply she was asking Shiori to get down onto her level, since she was so much higher up? Taking as much comfort as she could from that last thought, Shiori grudgingly walked the stairs down and took mechanical steps up until she was just a few feet from Juri, refusing to look her in the eye.
"Can you look up, please? I wanted to talk to you about something," Juri spoke, her voice even, but ever so slightly tempting. Shiori willed herself not to blush first and looked up.
I'm not a weak, lovesick puppy like those other girls, you know. I won't fall for any of your stupid tricks and smiles, no matter how much you are used to girls showering attention on you.
"Why aren't you already part of the fencing club?" Juri asked.
Shiori blinked. Then narrowed her eyes.
"If Michiko told you to ask me, then you can mind your own business, Juri-san. I can discuss it with my own friends later." Her sharpness surprised even her. In her mind's eye, she could hear her mother remarking "What a cruel girl I've raised! Just listen to that tongue!" She almost felt guilty.
But Juri didn't seem to notice the connotations of her remark. She just laughed lightly, as if it were a good joke, and replied "Oh, no, Michiko didn't ask me to. No, I've been watching you sit overhead for all of our club meetings, and I've been growing more and more uncontrollably curious. So tell me. Why haven't you joined our club yet? Aren't we supposed to be friends?"
That hit her.
"We're friends?" Shiori asked hollowly.
"Of course we are. You're my friend," Juri said firmly.
Shiori felt her throat close in on itself, then caught herself and stopped.
"If you're trying to get me to join by acting all friendly and concerned, then that won't work on me," she warned. "I'm not like other girls, okay?"
Juri blinked, confused. "Alright, then," she replied calmly.
This was so confusing.
"So, would you like to add your name to the signup sheet?" Juri asked, producing it from nowhere. Shiori blinked. Where had that come from? "Just sign your name, and then meet me here tomorrow around-"
"Stop!" Shiori growled and seized her by the collar. "I don't want to join your stupid club, you hear? That's what I've been saying. I don't know what you're trying to pull, but I don't care at all for your stupid swordfighting, and also you look ridiculous in that uniform," she glared, waiting for the broken look in Juri's eyes.
But Juri didn't look mad or upset at all. She was just staring back at her, with her emerald green eyes quizzical and somewhat intrigued. Shiori let go and took a step back. This was too much - the way those green eyes, framed with wispy lashes, were regarding and observing and appraising her. She couldn't take it. She covered her face in her arms.
"Shiori."
No. Not that voice. Not that one.
"Shut up," she growled, "get away from me, you...you freak. I'm not interested in you."
"Shiori..."
"I'm not a creep like you, understand? I don't spy on girls in the shower or whatever weird stuff you do," Shiori hissed. "You know the fencing captain who came back? I don't know if you killed him somehow and that's why you're the one leading practice now, but I kissed him yesterday. Yeah, I have a life. I don't fool around with other girls like some insane, pathetic lowlife. I'm not crazy."
"Shiori, please listen to me..."
"No!" Shiori screeched, taking a few steps back.
Her scream echoed through the gym. Bracing herself, Shiori looked around, waiting for the horde of angry fangirls to come out and gasp.
Shiori, you...you are a freak!
She shrunk into a ball and covered her face with her arms, rocking back and forth. This was too much, she cried hysterically, tasting shame as tears and snot started coming out. Fine, let them see her. Let them run to protect their senpai from the crazy freak. Let the cultivated persona she had created fall apart and her reputation go to ruins as they learned of who she really was. She sniveled miserably. Whatever. She was used to it, anyway.
"Shiori, please, what are you worried about? You're safe...no one's watching. No one's angry at you. Please, can you listen to me?"
Shiori looked up, tears streaming from both eyes, feeling bleary. No one had come. Strange. With suspicion, she looked up and squinted at Juri.
The red haired girl smiled comfortingly and held out a hand. "May I help you up?"
Shiori shouldn't have let her have her way so easily. But she did. Despite herself, glaring at the ground, she took the hand and let the stronger girl easily lift her up. It was an incredible feat, considering how much Shiori must have weighed, and how she didn't have the strength to stand up herself - the taller girl had to put her other arm behind her back to support her as she lifted her up. Or maybe she didn't have to. Shiori knew she should resist against the extra contact, but she didn't, and hated herself for it.
They were now eye to eye. Juri stared at her.
"I'm up," Shiori snapped.
"Oh! Right, sorry," Juri replied, and let go of her hand. She kept the other hand behind her back, though, to make sure she was steady. Shiori did not thank her.
"Are you feeling better?" Juri asked quietly.
Shiori frowned at her miserably.
"Sorry, sorry. I know. How is your mother doing? Are you making sure to take all your medicine?"
Shiori bit back the urge to scream and slap her. "You know better than to ask me about my mother, I hate her! All she's ever done is make me feel like a parasite for being so high maintenance and having special needs. And no, I don't need meds any more, thank you very much - I'm not a freak, you know!"
Juri just nodded understandingly. Shiori was puzzled. When they were friends, Juri always avoided the subject of her mother and looked guilty after asking her about her medicine, though she had to do it routinely.
"I hate her," Shiori mumbled. "I wish she would just stop expecting so much of me...and telling me to be more like you. She acts like I owe her so much, like maybe if I tried harder to be normal I wouldn't have been diagnosed. Like it's my fault that she was pregnant with me when she was my age. I bet she expects me to get knocked up too...I'm so much smarter and better now, and yet she still won't acknowledge me. You know what she told me when I wanted to transfer back? She said, 'Well, are you sure they'll let you in with your grades?'" Shiori sucked in her breath. "She said, 'I don't think they'll want you back now that they know you're crazy, Shiori. That's probably why they let you leave so easily in the first place.'"
Shiori kicked at the floor, making a huge scuff mark. "I've been making sure to stay on top of my classes and haven't missed a single assignment or had a relapse in months! Months! And she still won't have any faith in me." Breaking down, she fell to her feet and hit the floor with a fist. "No matter what, I'll never be good enough. Even though she never graduated high school herself, she'll always look down on me." She sniffed. "I expect you will too."
"I would never," Juri spoke.
She looked up. "What?" She asked, her voice full of disbelief.
"I love you, Shiori," Juri replied. "I always have. Why would I ever look down on you? You're my friend," she added again.
Shiori frowned. "I don't understand you. You're acting weird today."
Juri just laughed again, as if she had said another good joke. Puzzled, Shiori slowly picked herself up and squinted at her. "You know, it's not normal for girls to say "I love you," Juri-san. It's a little improper, so you shouldn't say that too often. Unless you mean it in that way."
"Oh, is that so?" Juri asked, unruffled. "Well, then I suppose yes, I do mean it in that way. I love you, Shiori."
She said it again. Shiori shook her head.
"Friends don't say that, Juri. It's gross."
"It is?"
"Yes. Very," Shiori shuffled away.
"Oh. Would you rather hear it from a boy than me?" Juri asked sharply.
Shiori stared. "Well, yes, obviously," she replied, glaring just as intently. "I told you, I already kissed the real fencing club captain. The blue haired guy. I can't say it back to you, see, I don't feel that way about you."
"I see," Juri replied, narrowing her eyes and turning around. She unsheathed her sword and, raising it above her head, began to make several thrusts with it. Shiori stared at her back desolately.
"Unless...unless you really meant that," Shiori spoke, unsure of what she was doing.
Juri turned around. "Excuse me?" She asked coldly.
"You heard what I said," Shiori said slowly. "Were you telling the truth, or just saying that so you wouldn't lose face?"
Juri stood up taller. "I always mean what I say," she replied briskly. She looked like she did, too. Shiori gazed up at her and checked her out, sizing her up.
"You'd act on your word if called to?"
"Absolutely," Juri replied, looking almost noble. "But only when asked to."
For a few seconds she just stood there, ramrod straight, unmoving. Then, swallowing hard, Shiori looked at her and took a step forward. She gulped, then pushed the crumbly feelings down deeper into her stomach. It's just like stepping barefoot on a spider, she told herself. You can do this. Swaying her hips slightly, she walked up to Juri until they were just inches apart.
She could tell the other girl was getting impatient.
"Why aren't you starting?" She snapped.
"Well, I don't know if you want me to," the redhead replied sultrily. "I do not have any objections, but do you?"
Enough. Shiori reached out and grabbed her collar again, then hauled her in closer until their foreheads were touching.
"I hate your stupid face," she snarled. Juri just smirked. "Just say no and we can leave each other alone. Go ahead. Reject me. Call me ugly. I know I'm a freak." She grabbed one of those reddish curls and yanked on it cruelly.
"Oh, you wanted to leave? I'm sorry. Please, don't me stop you," Juri replied.
Shiori groaned. How much more did she want her to do? "Fine, you can kiss me, if that'll shut you up," she growled.
"You want me to kiss you? Okay, I can-"
"Grrrrrrr!" Shiori groaned and wrapped her arms around Juri's neck, pulling her in, and the gap finally closed. Unsurpised, the taller girl just smiled against her lips and opened her mouth wider, reaching around and grasping her waist lightly with her calloused hands. Shiori dug around frantically, desperately searching for an opening - which was given willingly and easily, far too easily. Groaning with frustration, she pulled back and threw off Juri's arms.
"What's wrong?" Juri asked. "I thought you were enjoying it... Did-"
"No, no, no," Shiori threw up her arms. "This is not how it's supposed to be! It can't be true! It...doesn't make any sense!"
"Really?" Juri looked hurt. "I'm not good enough?"
"No, I mean - well, you're a girl too, what did you expect?" Shiori exploded. "It's all wrong from the start. It's not supposed to be like this...you're supposed to be more...more..."
"More what?" Juri demanded.
"It doesn't matter!" Shiori screeched.
"Okay," Juri said meekly, and seemed to shrink. She sat down in a chair that Shiori didn't even remember. "Would you prefer me like this?"
"I..."
Juri batted her lashes and crossed her legs, then uncrossed them. "How about we try again?" She asked, holding her arms open. Submissive. Enticing.
Shiori frowned and, hating herself more and more, walked up to the chair. "It isn't going to work, you know," she barked, looking down at Juri. But Juri just looked back up at her with those long lashes and captivating green eyes, and she felt her willpower melt. Slowly, she lowered herself until she was straddling Juri's lap, feeling her face grow hotter and hotter.
"See?" Juri asked. "That wasn't so bad, was it now? Now, can I have a kiss?"
Begrudgingly, Shiori lowered her lips onto hers and felt the same calloused hands encircle her waist and pull her head closer.
"Someone will definitely walk in on this," Shiori mumbled.
"It's okay," Juri replied.
Shiori felt a funny flutter in her stomach and shifted her position uncomfortably, feeling like she was so much shorter and smaller in Juri's lap. She didn't want her fat stomach to rub against Juri's lean, defined navel and remind her of that whole pack of cookies she devoured in one go last night. "Sorry for the scuff mark," she murmured.
"I forgive you," Juri replied. Ugh. Just impale her now. She became conscious of the hand moving to her lower back. "Stop," she growled.
Juri let go and pulled back. "Sorry," she said, "I won't touch you there again if you don't want me to-"
"What are you saying?" Shiori seethed, "stop being such a weakling!"
Juri frowned. "I don't understand. You do, or you don't want me to touch you there?"
"You're supposed to be stronger than that," Shiori hissed, raising her hand to hit her in the face, but Juri caught her wrist. "You can't just give me whatever I want. Don't you have desires, too? Needs?"
"Yes, I do," Juri admitted, almost ashamed, "but I don't want to do anything that would make you uncomfortable."
There it was. Shiori couldn't stand it.
"You're not supposed to be like this," she sobbed, crawling out of Juri's lap and backing away. Juri stood up, looking concerned, about to ask what was wrong again, or maybe if she just wanted to stop altogether.
Some part of her mumbled Hey, don't get mad. A soft kiss isn't a bad thing. Just because she can control herself doesn't mean she isn't head over heels for you too.
But Shiori didn't understand words like that. Rational, calm, controlled words were never meant to be associated with her. She covered her face in her hands and sobbed. Great, now she'd lost her self respect and had a relapse. Her mother would not even be disappointed anymore to know this. Also, the cookies. She'd broken her daily calorie count too, hadn't she? Shiori sobbed, rubbing her eyes like a pathetic little animal. All she ever did was let people down. Look at Juri.
Juri stared. "Did...did you want me to do it differently?" She asked.
Shiori sniveled. "Yes," she said. How mean. It was mean and unfair. Juri couldn't change who she was. Juri didn't need to change. It was her, all her fault, not Juri's.
Juri looked down, and her long red hair covered her face.
Yeah. She'd completely let her down.
"Shiori," she spoke quietly, "do you really like me?"
Except she had changed. Her voice was deeper, rougher. Her shoulders were broad, her chest was flatter, and she had masculine features. The boy Juri stared at her, eyes still full of longing.
"Shiori," he said. "Would you prefer me this way?"
"Stop," Shiori hissed, her throat clogged up.
"All I want is to see you happy," the boy whispered. "Please, Shiori, tell me...what do you really want..."
"Stop!" Shiori screamed. "Stop looking at me like that! Stop looking at me with those eyes! Leave me alone, go away, it shouldn't be like this - you can't-"
And suddenly, she was on the floor of her bedroom, tangled up in sheets. She fell silent.
None of the girls in the adjacent rooms came to check up on her. It was still dark. The only other noise was the sound of the ticking alarm clock, ticking down to the end of the world. Or just breakfast.
Bleary-eyed and feeling just absolutely awful, Shiori looked around and grabbed in the dark, making her way back onto the bed and exhaling heavily. She looked at her nightstand and picked up the empty food wrapper. Yeah no, that part was real. And so was the part where Ruka dumped her yesterday in front of everyone, and like a fool, she begged him to take her back in front of them. No one was coming out to laugh at her because she'd already made a fool of herself.
Also it was three AM. She had only four more hours to try and fall asleep, and she already had been struggling with insomnia for the past few days.
Great, Shiori thought to herself. Fucking wonderful. Expecting to sleep fitfully, she kicked onto her side and grabbed the pillow, biting down on its corner and crying pitifully.