Disclaimer: Alex Rider series and all it's affiliated characters belong to Anthony Horowitz.
Notes: This was the first thing I ever wrote, but it was just sitting in my drafts for months. There is a slight continuity mistake at the start, because it was written before my re-reading. I don't really like it that much anymore. I am just dumping it there, so I won't need to stare at it anymore. It's weird how much has my writing style changed in just four months.
Obviously contains Alex/Ben. Alex is seventeen at the end, if anyone has any problem with underage.
anger/resignation
The first time it happened, Alexander John Rider just came back from a mission. The high left him the moment he got out of Blunt's office and if someone would amplify the video from the CCTV and then observe the boys face with a very experienced eye, they would notice the wariness as his eyes dart from side to side. He turned a corner and crashed right into Benjamin Daniels.
There must be something wrong then, considering both agents managed to not notice the other one.
"Sorry-," they both say at the same time and stop when they notice who they collided with. Ben cracks a smile. Alex frowns and averts his eyes.
And at that moment, Daniels knows something is wrong. "New mission?" he asks carefully.
"No, just reported from the last one," answers Alex, wondering, why he decided to act like this in front of his colleague, something-friend, showing uncertainty, this coldness.
"You are not hurt, are you Alex?" and the young spy answers that no, it was just a quick mission, he barely got into contact with anyone, and yes, he is quite happy, that he got unscathed home for once. Ben watches him with narrowed eyes and feels the prickle that he associates with being watched - the cameras, of course, they are still in the Bank, on the most secure floor of them all. It wouldn't be good asking Alex more here, but he knows something happened and wants to know more.
Alex Rider never comes back without scars.
And there was something about his answer. He needs to know, he cares for this unfortunate spy too much to let it go. "Care for a lunch after I am done with the grey duo?" he asks.
"Sure, should I wait on you in the cafeteria?" and Ben shakes his head, no, that will not do. "I was actually thinking of going to this little café, let's meet in the lobby."
And he can sense Alex watching him carefully before answering. "Yeah, we can talk there." That kid had him all figured out. But he knew that he wouldn't agree to it if he didn't want to talk.
Later, after they sit in the shade of a parasol, breadcrumbs on their plates, he muses if he should have asked if he wanted to learn the truth. Blunt sent the fifteen-year-old spy on a mission with a single purpose - assassination.
In a way, he is glad, because if Alex told him, it means he took it well and probably already accepted the consequences to his psyche. Doesn't change the fact that it takes him everything to not show how angry he is, at the heads, for sending him in the first place, at Alex, for looking like he stopped feeling at all.
Alex notices anyway.
fear/realisation
The second time it happened, they were on a mission in Australia. Alex supposed it was ironic in a way. A year after he got roped by ASIS into a mission on which he met Ben Daniels for the first time - the first time Fox became more than a codename of soldier who tried to keep away from things that aren't his business, the first time he gained an ally in the Bank, that wasn't just an inventor with no field experience.
However this time, it wasn't Ben who saved Alex life, it was the other way. If he could see behind him, he would see the shocked eyes of Ben Daniels filled with fear, when Alex jumped in front of him, his mind filled with no no no, please don't take the bullet for me, please, but then Alex took two not-really aimed shots in quick succession and the assailants rolled backwards as bullet embedded itself into their head. He whipped around and was expecting to be met with disappointment, because Alex didn't like people to see this side of his, the cold calculated side of an assassin, when he simply shuts down the part of his brain that takes care of showing emotions and especially not by people whom he deeply cared about, because there were so few of them. He knew there was nothing but blank on his face. But Ben's eyes were streaked with tears and filled with fear which melted into pride and something else and Alex was taken away by the strength of it. He didn't deserve this reaction, did he?
"Don't ever do it to me again, Alex," he whispered. "Don't throw away your life for me."
"I wasn't," he creaks, but then he can't continue, because his body is getting crushed by an embrace and his mind screams danger danger, because he just killed someone and they are still running on mission high and only the whispers of Alex, Alex make him not to retaliate and throw Daniels over his shoulder.
admiration/care
The third time it happened, Ben Daniels came back from a botched mission, that turned from protective detail to something much more and while his target survived it was at cost of collateral damage. Alex found him sitting in his own office - in Alex's, not Benjamin's - and if that wasn't implying that there was something wrong, he didn't know what else it would be. Not like it's easy to break into the office of one of the most guarded secrets in the building. When Ben notices him entering, he turns around in his chair, facing away from Alex and hides his head in his hands. Alex panics for a second because Ben is always the strong one and he doesn't want to be the one who is there to pick the pieces, because he himself is broken enough already and he never really understood emotions.
"Ben," he calls softly and the older male doesn't respond. Alex opens one of the drawers in his table and takes out a bag with coconut chocolate and then drops them into Benjamin's lap and sits on the floor in front of him and simply waits.
They stay like that for a minute, neither responding, Alex feeling prickles all over his skin because he hates to see Fox like this. He decides to stand up and takes Ben's chin in his hand and forcibly makes him look at him. There are no tears, just shadows below and inside his eyes and something inside Alex breaks. "Benjamin Daniels, don't you dare," he says and his brows furrow. "Only I am allowed to be the brooding child here and I need you to take care of me, not the other way around. That's not how this partnership works," and something cracks in his voice and he stares into his eyes.
There is a sob, finally and some words. "Alex please, don't come this close." And Ben sounds so broken like the dam finally broke and it let all his emotions out. "You are just making it worse."
And something inside Alex swells because this doesn't make any sense at all and so he asks. "You wouldn't understand," is the only answer he gets and the plea of please leave me alone and Alex doesn't know that the only thing that Ben sees right now is the child that died on his mission, the kid that looked and behaved like Alex so much. Just more innocent.
But Alex has none of it, spins Ben's chair around and sits on the desk and takes the bag that he so unceremoniously dropped into Ben's lap and opens it and takes one of the candies and puts it into his mouth. "I am going to sit there, not ask you any questions at all, but I am going to eat all the chocolate that you love so much and that's going to be the worst experience for you in the past few days, do you understand? Me eating your chocolate." And then he takes another candy and shoves it into his mouth and chews unceremoniously.
Ben just stares, his eyes open in wonder and there is something else now, something he already saw there once but never could put a name to it. Admiration maybe. And then he smiles and seems to finally see him. "Only you Alex, only you."
relief/autarchism
The fourth time it happens, they are hunting human-trafficking gang. However, this one deals mostly with children, selling them to people with way too exquisite tastes. Alex is all prickles and needles the first part of the mission because all he can see is the distant look that Ben had sent him when they had to part ways after arriving at their destination. Daniels is mostly serving the handler role there, a support and Alex is in midst of the chaos again and Ben didn't take it well that he had to leave him with no stable communication connection. It's several days of receiving irregular reports, from when Alex is actually safe enough to reach to him through the hidden mic, and then the connection is cut out and Ben only wants to go in and storm the place to ground, but only the knowledge that this is Alex and he won't be easily taken down stops him. He gives him three days in which he actually comes really close to undermining their assignment, because he tries to gain intel too close, too carelessly, but then he hears the whispers of his supposed torture and he decides to take matters into his hands.
There is something in his eyes that Alex can't identify when he comes to rescue him - Alex already out of the cell, followed by 10 children - and after long thought, he categorises it as a relief.
trust/understanding
Fifth time it happens, they are in Prague. Retrospectively, Alex wonders, what is it with all the spying hiccups happening in the city of hundred towers. For most people, it's just a tourist destination in Europe, no one interested in the country as a whole, yet it stands on the border between western and eastern Europe and that always causes problems. He is investigating a professor at Charles University and how the hell did that turn into discovering a secret metro station that is used by the Russian mafia and stumbling into Ben, who was meant to be actually in Ukraine, he has no idea. He is deep undercover and for several days they must act as if standing on different sides of the conflict.
There is nothing worse than interrogating your friend and showing no remorse.
He can't pull out yet, because there is still intel to gather and he looks at Alex with steel in his eyes and steel in his hand, and he hopes, hopes, that Alex can see behind the curtain. He knew the kid is smart and always had a good tell on emotions.
Alex can only see the same emotion he never was able to identify, the one that made him feel - something, something else, special like he mattered. He looks Benjamin deep into his eyes and nods and mouths "I understand."
happiness/recognition
The next time it happens, its something else entirely and they just got home from meeting with K-unit and Ben invited Alex over to his place - which wasn't irregular occurrence in the past two years - and they are both in good mood, filled with stories and warmth from knowing that their common friends are safe and sound and sane. Alex asks if Ben wants some tea and he nods and Alex goes to the kitchen and behaves like he is at home, knowing where everything is instinctually and then it hits him suddenly - this is home, Ben is home and-
Memories of waking up in empty but still warm bed, alone on the sofa, all the dinners they had together, Ben's face when Alex emptied his own soul in front of him, the coffees they shared together, the way Ben looks at him when he thinks Alex isn't watching.
When he comes back to the living room, with two steaming cups in his hand, he stops in the door and observes Ben who turns away from the TV and now watches him silently. "Something wrong?" he asks and the younger spy just shakes his head and smiles in that hidden way of his like he knows something that the other doesn't.
"Exactly opposite," and he puts the cups on the table and dips low so his face is right in front of Bens. "Do you think it would be a good idea if I moved in with you?" he asks and he swears he can feel the happiness from the older man soak right into him.
"I expected you to ask sooner," Benjamin answers and then searches for something in Alex.
Alex wouldn't know, but his face mirrors the emotion he wasn't able to identify this whole time. And it's everything that Ben needs to see, because he crosses the distance and latches their lips together, just a small, sweet kiss, just to try, to be sure.
Alex doesn't think that's enough at all, pushing himself on Ben, suddenly not only needing the simple touch but more, his hands grabbing at clothes, to consume him, to show how much he matters.
He supposes they should have talked about it, but they already knew each other too well.
After all, when you are a spy, you often need to act first and think second.