CONT...
CHAPTER SIX Wade's Chrysler automobile had defective brakes, as did every other car of its year and model. The man responsible for the defect, a worker in the factory where it was made, was killed in one of these very same cars. It had been given to him by the Chrysler Corporation on the anniversary of his seventy-fifth year of distinguished service to the company. Dedication made all the more amazing when one considers that he worked for Chrysler for forty-five years before it was founded.
His body was stolen and revived on Mars, where he was transformed into a slave laborer in a Martian work camp.
So was I. What a coincidence. That man was my father. And then some.
Wade picked Ed up at the Holiday Inn.
"Where are the Dancing Girls?" asked Wade.
"I thought you had them," said Ed.
"We ll have to get some on the way," said Wade. "I know a place."
And off they drove.
"Did you bring the gun?" asked Wade.
"I expected that you would bring it," Ed told him.
"Well, I didn t," Wade said.
"Well, neither did I," Ed said.
They drove in silence from them on, stopping only to pick up the Dancing Girls and a gun.
"Either of you fellas bring the film?" one of the Dancing Girls asked.
Wade lost, then instantly regained control of the car.
"Ed brought it," Wade said.
"Did not," Ed said.
Before Wade could say "Why, you!" a red van with a peace sign swerved in front of Wade s car. The van was being driven by seven escaped convicts. Their names were these: Wade, Ed, Martin, Leonard, John, and Donald Reagan. This last name shared by two of them. What a coincidence.
The convicts eluded the police, changed their names, and lived eventually in the lap of luxury. Here is why: The leader, now named Moe, designed a black-light poster.
It became as popular as pet rocks. Pretty soon it appeared on bumper stickers and buttons and was made into a TV series starring Tim Conway. People began greeting each other by saying "And then some." The proper response was "And then some." America was happy agian.
And then some.
When the red van with the peace sign swerved in front of Wade's car, Wade jammed on the brakes, but they were as broke and as useless as my children.
A Dancing Girl screamed, as did Ed.
"Did you bring the seat belts?" Wade asked Ed.
"Yes," Ed said, taking seven seat belts from his satchel. "Quick, put them on," he yelled.
But it was too late.
The car crashed into a brick wall which had been left behind by a careless motorist. Ed burst into flames.
Wade threw a blanket at Ed. He said: "Quick, Ed, wrap yourself in this!"
Ed yelled through the flames: "I don t feel much like sleeping now, Wade. Thanks very much anyway." And it was true.
John Hinckley turned to look out the window of the Howard Johnson s restaurant on I-90 just in time to see Ed explode. And then some.
CHAPTER SEVEN "Good news on this Hinckley egg, Mr. President. It seems he's coming to Washington to commit an assassination of his own." It was, of course, a presidential aide speaking.
"That is good news, Jonesy," Reagan told the aide.
Jones was the aide's name. His nickname was Jonesy. He was unstuck in time. This allowed him long lunch hours. Sometimes, as now, he lives in the early 1980s and works as an aide to President Reagan, but sometimes he finds himself living in the seventy-second century, on Mars, a slave laborer with a radio in his head. And other times, and this is when he is most happy, he is in 1992, on Earth, when he is president of the United States with an aide whose name is, amazingly enough, Ronald Reagan. Reagy, as he is called, has a wife named Zardoz. Abraham Lincoln s wife's maiden name was Todd. What a coincidence. On Mars being named Todd is punishable by death. How sad.
President Reagan studied the life-size portrait of Jodie Foster he had woven into the Great Seal of the United States on the carpet of the Oval Office.
"Hey, Jonesy, I have presidential immunity for this, right?" the president asked.
"Yes," Jonsey said. "We took the liberty of vaccinating you as you slept."
"As I slept," the president said half to himself. The president just wanted to be sure. And then some.
CHAPTER EIGHT John Hinckley ran from the Howard Johnson's restaurant to the burning Ed. At this point he became a wanted man. Here is why: He had not paid his bill. John Hinckley forgot. The waiter would have to pay out of his own pocket. The waiter s pocket was cut from the same cloth as John Hinckley's hat.
The reason John Hinckley ran from the restaurant is this: to save Ed. He did.
"Thanks," Ed told him later.
And he meant it.
"My car is going to Washington, D.C.," John Hinckley told Wade, Ed, and the Dancing Girls. "If you are headed that way you can ride with me. If you have a mind to."
They were, they did, and they did. They had no choice. Who does?
And then some.
CHAPTER NINE Martin Scorsese sat on a bed. The bed was in a hotel room. The hotel was in Washington, D.C. So was Leonard Nimoy. So was Martin Scorsese's gun. Scorsese was writing Leonard Nimoy's name on the bullets he would put in the gun.
Leonard Nimoy was in town filming an episode of his television show. This episode was entitled "In Seach Of: Ancient Easter Eggs." He and the film crew would look on the White House lawn. The president, a longtime "Star Trek" fan, had graciously given his consent. He would even help, he promised. His price was this: Leonard Nimoy's autograph. But here is what they offered: William Shatner's son's autograph, and a pair of DeForest Kelly's socks. The president took them grudgingly. He had no choice. Who does?
Martin Scorsese unloaded the gun and counted the bullets. Then he loaded the gun and unloaded it again, counting the bullets a second time. Then he loaded the gun again.
A chambermaid, who had been eavesdropping from underneath Martin Scorsese's bed, poked her head out and asked why.
He had no answer. Here is why: He was obsessed and inarticulate.
And then some.
CHAPTER TEN John Hinckley, Wade, Ed, and the Dancing Girls drove in silence for several hundred miles.
John Hinckley broke the silence. This is what he said: "Dibs on the president."
None of the others knew what the word dibs meant. They were all from New Jersey. Ed assumed it was some sort of anatomical disfigurement and wondered why John Hinckley had brought it up. He decided finally that it must be a road game, and here is what he said: "Warts on Tip O Neill."
They drove. When John Hinckley said nothing more, Ed congratulated himself for having won. Then, not knowing why, he wept.
And then some.
To be continued (Part III to follow, soon)
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