What About Now, a law and order: svu fanfic

Hello you guys!

So finally, here I am with a new one-shot. I feel like I've been writing a lot of those over the last few days, but here we are. This is set in season 8. Post-Burned. Elliot is divorced and he and Olivia are tired of dancing around the feelings that have brewed between them.

I highly suggest listening to What About Now by Daughtry on repeat as you read this!

Enjoy xoxo

What About Now [ONESHOT]

Eight years of dancing on the boundary line yet never crossing it. Eight years of pretending that whatever this thing was between them did not exist.

Eight years of pretending they were just partners.

Shadows fill an empty heart

As love is fading

From all the things that we are

Are not saying

Can we see beyond the scars

And make it to the dawn?

He couldn't sleep. It was well past four in the morning. He had to be at work in a matter of hours; three and a half to be exact. In three and a half hours he would be sitting across from the person that drove him crazy, the person that made him love her and hate her, the person that brought out the best and worst in him. They weren't talking - again; communication had been strained since she'd returned from her spontaneous six-week long undercover operation in Oregon. They were struggling; drowning in the things they weren't saying. They fought the urges of the heart and the pull that dragged them together. They were both too stubborn to say sorry and to move on from the chaotic mess that their partnership had become.

Their partnership had been strained for months. They knew what it was; they knew they were fighting what had been brewing between them, refusing to acknowledge it out of fear that their partnership and friendship would be jeopardized. But one case pushed them to the limit and that case was one that Elliot wanted to forget but couldn't forget because it set off a chain of events that nearly caused him to lose his mind. Gitano. Even the name made him shudder. He was perhaps one of the most sadistic pedophiles they had ever dealt with. But it wasn't just the case; no - Gitano's havoc didn't just rain over the children he snatched, but over the golden duo of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit.

When he closed his eyes, he could still hear the scream of the little girl, could still see the flash of the blade and the swing of Gitano's arm. He could still see Olivia grasping her neck as she fell to the ground, he could hear his own voice shouting for her, he could see the blood on her fingers. So much fucking blood. Olivia's blood.

He had never been more terrified in his life.

She pushed him away and told him to go after Gitano and he hesitated. She pushed him and urged him, and his terrified eyes remained on her as he finally stood up and ran away. Nothing was ever Olivia's fault; the whole situation was chaotic.

He didn't handle this at all. After Gitano slit the little boy's throat and left him to bleed out on the platform, Elliot actually lashed out at Olivia, said awful things to her, questioned the ability to do her job. Every time he thought about it, he kicked himself some more. She never deserved that type of treatment. He had just needed to blame someone, and she got the brunt end of it, when in the end, it had never been anyone's fault.

Then the damn warehouse. Gitano had the gun to his head. Elliot still shuddered; he had looked into Olivia's eyes and told her that it was okay to pull the trigger, a risk on his own life if it meant killing Gitano. When Olivia refused, he knew then what this was about, and he was scared to death. He knew what he and Olivia were dancing around; he could see it in her eyes and he knew she could see it in his. They were choosing each other over the job of course, but it was more than the matter of being best friends. This was about the love they had for each other; a confession that died on the tip of his tongue earlier in that day when he had gone to see Huang, a confession that he tried to express to her without saying the words.

"We both chose each other over the job; we can never let that happen again - otherwise we can't be partners."

"You and this job are about the only things I've got anymore; I don't wanna wreck that, I couldn't take it."

He wondered if she ran because he made it sound like he didn't want to be her partner anymore or ran because she realized what he was trying to say and got scared. He didn't know. All he knew is that he went back to work after a couple days, only to find that she had transferred to Computer Crimes. Even though she returned after a couple weeks, their partnership remained complicated and strained. The lingering gazes and subtle touches and inside jokes were reduced to curt nods and standing miles apart and short answers that only came about when spoken to. Things were nothing like they used to be, and Elliot was a hundred percent sure that it was his fault.

The day he came into work and found her desk completely clear was devastating. He asked Cragen where she was, and he wouldn't tell him anything other than something about a temporary reassignment. When he called her house and found that her line had been disconnected, he felt like he couldn't breathe. He knew then that this was more than her being temporarily reassigned for work purposes; he knew that she would've had to agree to the assignment in the first place. He knew why she was gone and why she didn't say goodbye. Things were strained enough, and it was easier to just go. She had run.

She had been back for two weeks, yet things were still awkward between them. This latest case – a he said, she said rape case between a husband and wife that were separated and bitter – had pushed them to the brink again. They had fought throughout the whole case, barely listening to one another; just yelling one minute and not talking to each other the next. When he did try to talk to her, she simply shrugged or wouldn't look at him as she responded. Things were tense and uncomfortable an he hated it. They never used to be like this.

Elliot sighed to himself as he ran his hand down his face. He wondered if they could see through the cracks of their partnership and make it out on the other side – back to where they used to be?

Change the colors of the sky

And open up to

The ways you made me feel alive

The ways I loved you

For all the things that never died

To make it through the night

Love will find you

He recalled the early years of their partnership, before their minds were clouded with pedophiles and rapists and victims and statements and complex feelings that they had to keep hidden. During those early years, they joked and laughed together. They hung out after work – even when he should've been home with his family, even when she encouraged him to go home to his family. They shared subtle touches; he would place his hand on her back, she would subtly touch his hand or stroke his arm. The gazes lingered, the widest smiles would break out onto each other's faces when they saw each other.

Those were the good times.

During the first year of their partnership, they fell into step together straight away, got to know each other inside out, saw each other's mistakes and missteps. By the second year, he realized how alive she made him feel; something he hadn't felt for so long. By the third year, the guilt started to settle in when he realized he spent more time with his partner than he did his family or opened up more to his partner than he did his own wife. But he could never stop himself. Something drew him to Olivia; it was magnetic almost, as if this invisible force was just pushing them closer, allowing them to see the deepest parts of each other's souls. They told each other things they had never shared with anyone else, they trusted each other with their lives.

Maybe it was by the fourth year that he realized he would die for her, and that's when it dawned on him how deep he was – he had been falling in love with her over the years and falling out of love with his wife.

Maybe during the fifth and sixth years he fell deeper for her.

Maybe by the seventh year he was in so deep that it scared him, especially when the boundary between them – his wife – no longer was a problem. He had gotten divorced, he was free to pursue something with Olivia, and that fucking scared him.

Now in the eighth year, he was terrified and lost and knew he needed to be honest with her. They needed to change this current dynamic of tiptoeing around each other again and get back to where they were; to the times where they were honest and upfront and never gun shy, the times where he felt alive with her again.

This thing between them; it was bound to find them again and this time, it was going to consume them both.

He just needed to talk to her.

The sun is breaking in your eyes

To start a new day

This broken heart can still survive

With a touch of your grace

Shadows fade into the light

I am by your side, where love will find you

She gave a small smile to the clerk at the twenty-four-hour coffee shop before leaving with the two cups in her hand. It was cold; she was wearing a pair of jeans and Ugg boots, and a blue hoodie under her green coat. She had smiled to herself when she pulled the hoodie on; it was the same shade of blue as his eyes. God – things were so complicated between them. Things had been complicated for a long time; Gitano – that was the start of this downward spiral that their partnership had been on.

Gitano screwed them up. He had pushed them to the brink, caused them to face the one thing they had been dancing around for almost eight years. They were never ready to face how much they meant to each other, especially her. For years, he had been married and that, in some weird way, made her feel safe. It meant that there was a boundary in place; no room to act on the feelings that had been brewing between them. No matter how much her breath hitched when he came around or how hard her heart would thump against her chest when those blue eyes locked with her browns, she was comforted by the fact that he was married. No room for the risks, which meant no potential of her losing the one person that mattered to her.

But when the ring came off and the divorce was final, she became scared. The safety net wasn't there anymore; she couldn't hide behind the ring and the Kathy; there was room for something to grow between them and that scared her. She had never been great with relationships. When things got too serious, she got scared and broke it off before she could be in too deep. Elliot was probably the only person she ever let in the way she had done, Elliot was the only person that she truly had ever fallen for. Elliot could fight with her, could bring out the best and worst in her, could make her hate him one moment and love him the next. There was this constant push and pull between them; no matter how much they pushed each other away, they would always pull back in and stick together.

They couldn't stay away from each other.

She shivered as the cold fall air whipped around her as she continued walking towards his apartment building, which was a couple blocks from hers. She thought about the current state of their relationship; cracks and broken hearts, screams and yells and tears and quick glances and silence and distance. She could still hear his voice in her head, the words he had spoken in that hospital corridor echoed in her mind;

"We both chose each other over the job; we can never let that happen again - otherwise we can't be partners."

"You and this job are about the only things I've got anymore; I don't wanna wreck that, I couldn't take it."

Both those statements scared her, but that second one; it scared the absolute shit out of her. She had known what he meant because she had felt the same way; he was all that she had, and she didn't want to wreck that, and she knew that she wouldn't be able to take it either if things between them shattered. But she had known then; despite the complications, he had subtly admitted his feelings to her in a way that only Elliot could do, and it fucking scared her.

So, what did she do?

She ran. She ran to Computer Crimes first, but even the complications between them couldn't keep her away. She had come down to see him on the first day after his fight with Queens SVU detective, Lucius Blaine. After she told him why she was there, he walked up to her with watery eyes and a wobble in his voice;

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She gave him the response about them needing a change and she apologized for not telling him, then followed up with; "…it was just too complicated."

Complicated was always the word to describe them; they were complicated.

She returned from Computer Crimes over a week later, when the pull between them became too strong and she couldn't stand to be away any longer. Besides, she figured that two weeks would give them both time to realize that there was no sense in the feelings they had for each other, because they had a job to do and they couldn't risk screwing it up any further. Things between them remained strained and complicated, yet she could see the complex feelings hidden in the swirls of blue whenever he looked at her. It scared her so much because they were still there, and what scared her even more is that her own feelings were still there as well.

So, she ran again – this time to Oregon; a six-week undercover operation with the Feds. She had thought being away would help them, but it only made things worse. She missed him, she dreamed about him, she longed to have him in her arms.

Now she had been back for two weeks and things were still rough between them. This latest case had been a constant cycle of talking to each other only when they fought and not talking at all. They were barely looking at each other and were trying so hard to push aside those feelings that had now bubbled to the surface. But they couldn't. They couldn't deny what was true and what had been brewing between them. Their hearts were cracked along with their partnership, but Olivia hoped that now, with the talk that they were about to have, that things could be revived again.

They needed to get things out in the open before it was too late to go back again.

She reached his complex and sat down on the front steps of the building, then whipped out her phone. She quickly sent a text and told him to meet her downstairs before putting her phone away again. She held his cup in one hand whilst using the other to lift hers to her lips, taking a sip of the warm tea to help her calm down. She told herself that the complications and boundaries and fear stopped today; it was time for them to face this head on and make an important decision. She was tired of the bullshit; she wanted to be normal with him again.

She heard the door open and looked up; he looked handsome even though it was almost five in the morning as he wore a pair of black sweat pants and sneakers along with a white t-shirt under a grey hoodie. She handed him his cup and he thanked her, before they then simply stared at each other for a moment. Their eyes locked and they saw a million and one unspoken words between them; so many complex feelings lost behind words they could never find.

Well now, it was time to find the words.

Now that we're here

Now that we've come this far, just hold on

There is nothing to fear

For I am right beside you

For all my life, I am yours

They talked; first about the case and the chaos surrounding such. They worked out their differences, talked about how there was nothing that wouldn't be done when love warped into hate. Elliot mentioned that it was one of the reasons why he never hesitated in signing the divorce papers because he'd never wanted his now ex-wife to regret him, and Olivia told him that she admired him for never dragging it out and for giving his wife a chance to go ahead and move on.

And then the conversation switched with one question that escaped her lips; "Are we okay?"

And just like that, the floodgates opened.

Elliot explained how he just needed space to disagree with her without feeling like it was going to cost him their partnership; Olivia raised an eyebrow and mentioned that he had never been gun shy before to which he responded with a simple; "Things change."

She was silent for a moment, then quietly asked; "What changed between us?"

A brief silence, then he responded; "You know what changed, Liv."

"Don't start that, El," she nudged him, giving him a timid smile; "Tell me what changed."

He dropped his head to his hands; "Do I need to tell you?"

"I would appreciate it if you did."

He sighed and looked up at her again, and it was then that Olivia could see the glistening tears in his eyes. She hadn't expected him to get a bit emotional over this, but maybe, just maybe it was inevitable.

"Have you ever had a person that just makes you feel…everything? I can't give it a single word, but they make you feel everything? But this…this person…is forbidden? Boundaries are there, and so much is at risk, but you can't help it and can't help but fall deeper into the feelings because there's a pull so strong, and this person making you feel so alive for the first time in like twenty years? Do you get what I mean?"

She swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded her head, her eyes still locked with his as she listened;

"You try to act like you don't feel it, try to act like the feelings that are brewing don't exist or that they'll just go away, but then the chaos around you forces you to face things head on and face the fact that you're fucking in love with this person. You realize that for eight long years, you've been slowly falling in love with the smile and the laugh and the eyes and the voice and the wit and charm and intelligence. For eight years, you've sat at your desk and looked across, wondering what the lips will feel like against yours and what it'll feel like to just hold this person and shield them from all harm. But for eight years, you've been fighting it because this person is your best goddamn friend and you're such a screw up, so you fight the feelings because you know that if you were to cross the line and screw up with this person, you'll end up losing everything."

She nodded, leaning into him some more as she listened.

"So you fight with this person; because they'll give it as good as they get, and you need that fight to try and suppress those feelings but the fight only makes you want that person some more; you want to push their buttons and piss them off, you want to make up with them over cups of coffee or Chinese food and beer. You want this person because they bring out the best in you and the worst in you, they make you love them and hate them in some weird way. They drive you fucking crazy, but you love it – you follow me?"

"Yeah; I follow." She whispered. He nodded, staring into her eyes as he spoke.

"And then, when you're forced to face the things you were running from – the complex feelings that have consumed you – you lash out and say things you don't mean. You question that person's judgement and abilities, yet you knew it was never that person you were mad at; you were mad at yourself and at the situation. Then, when you later find yourself with a gun to your head, you're telling that person to go ahead and pull the trigger, because you know now that you will always choose this person over the job and will fucking die for this person because they are everything to you."

She lifted a hand to his cheek, nodding her head as she stroked her thumb over his jaw while he continued.

"And of course, you screw it up again by saying that you guys can never choose each other over the job again else you can't be partners, and you tell this person that they're all you have left besides the job and that you can't wreck that, because you can't take it. You say all that because you're scared of the feelings between you and this person; you know you're a screw up and if you cross that final line between you and that person, you'll probably screw it up and lose them and you can't do that because that person is your whole fucking reason for living. And then what happens is that you realize that things came out wrong, but when you come to work to talk to that person, they're gone – they've run from you, and it's all your fault."

"Elliot, I'm so sor-" He cupped her cheek and pressed his thumb to her lips, stopping her from speaking. She knew it was important for him to get all of this out and finish what he was saying, so she simply pressed a light kiss to his thumb, allowing him to continue.

"It's your own fault that things are strained between you and that person, it's your fault that, that person has run to Computer Crimes and Oregon; a case messed things up, but you made it worse. The whole time that person is gone, you're just waiting and waiting and waiting for them to come back through the door, because you want to drag them to lunch and pour everything out on the table. The weeks pass, you deal with your new partner, you fucking kiss her because you're thinking of that person and you just want to feel something other than the pain from the void in your heart but fuck, a kiss doesn't help because it's not who you want, it's not the person that can heal you. Then, that person comes back and you're trying to be cautious – hell, you are cautious and awkward around them – but that's only because you don't want to run the risk of the person leaving again; you don't want to make them leave again."

"Never." She whispered, looking at him. He swallowed hard, slipping an arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him.

"But the pull between you and that person is too strong; you two fight and yell and scream and are awkward, but you end up right here on the front of steps of your building with that person at nearly five in the morning, pouring your heart out because you can't ignore it anymore. You sit here right now and tell that person that you'll always choose them over the job, that you just want to finally cross that line and take the risk – to hell with the fucking consequences, to hell with Tucker and IAB; you want to explore how beautiful things could be between you and that person, because this person is your person; the perfect other half, made just for you."

He reached up and brushed some bangs out of her eyes, whispering to her;

"Do you have a person like this – that's made you feel and experience all of this complicated, fucked up mess? But that makes you not want to go anywhere because you just want them and them only for the rest of your fucking life?"

There were tears running down her cheeks now. She sniffled and nodded her head, leaning against him as she spoke;

"I've had a person like this for eight years…" She paused to compose herself, then continued;

"My person has driven me insane since I met them, because I've been in love with them pretty much since the month after I met them. I was able to hide behind the barrier of a wedding ring and a wife for so long, so when that was suddenly gone, and things were open to be explored, I got scared – I get scared when things get serious. Me and my person; we fight, we scream, we argue, but we make up, we laugh, we surrender with coffee and Chinese food and beer…we bring out the best and worst in each other, we can love and hate each other, but this person is my best friend and I…I've loved them for so long."

She sniffled a bit, pausing for a second again to find the words;

"But when we were forced to face the feelings, I got so fucking scared because I knew what this person was feeling because I felt it too; it was too deep, and so I ran away from it – first to Computer Crimes and then Oregon. I hurt my person so bad and I just hope they know how fucking sorry I am for the pain I caused, and I want them to know that I thought about them the whole time I was gone, I even dreamed about them; I missed them so much. Things have bene awkward since I came back but not anymore; I'm sick of it being awkward. To hell with any consequences, to hell with Tucker and IAB; it's time to take a risk with my person."

She tilted her head up to look into those beautiful blue eyes, holding his hand that had moved to rest on her leg;

"I've experienced all the complicated bullshit with my person but here I am, sitting on the front steps, talking to my person at damn near five in the morning, finally facing what the hell I've been running from. So yeah, El; I have a person like this, they're my person and I want to experience all this good shit for the rest of our lives."

He leaned in and rested his head against hers, tears running down his face as he whispered; "Do you mean it?"

She nodded straight away, holding his face with one hand; "I mean it, with everything in me."

His lips curled into a smile, and he sniffled as he whispered; "You're that person for me, Liv."

She let out a giggle at his cheesiness and rolled her eyes before whispering; "And you're my person, El."

He slid his hand up to hold onto the nape of her neck; "Can I kiss you?"

"Not if I kiss you first."

They both laughed before leaning in properly, kissing each other deeply. She wrapped her arms around him some more as their lips molded together perfectly and their tongues twisted together. They fit perfectly together; they always had been and always would be each other's person; they were meant for each other, it was obvious from the very start.

They pulled apart and shared a couple more pecks after a few moments, smiling and laughing together. Olivia then made a joke, telling him that he was the longest relationship she'd ever had with a man and jokingly questioning who else would put up with her. Elliot smirked and simply told her that no one else ever would and he didn't want anyone else to, that he wanted to be the one to put up with her. They shared another laugh and a kiss, before Olivia then asked if he was hungry. He told her that he could go for something to eat, and after realizing that he would be the one paying, they both stood up. They knew they'd be fucking tired when they went to work in a couple hours, but it would be worth it.

They couldn't repress the grins on their faces as they began the walk down the street towards the diner where they always went to, holding hands with their fingers interlocked. It was as if a new day had dawned upon them; the negativity had finally parted ways from over their relationship, allowing room for growth and happiness to shine over them. Today had been the day, now had been the right moment. Their love had never gone anywhere, it was simply hidden behind a silence that served to distance them. They made each other all that they were meant to be and that was the most beautiful aspect of their relationship.

And now they had finally faced it before it had gotten too late to salvage what they had. They had faced it, and now something so beautiful could begin. There was a lot to deal with, but they would face it together.

They would always face things together.

What about now? What about today?

What if you're making me

All that I was meant to be?

What if our love never went away?

What if it's lost behind

Words we could never find?

Baby, before it's too late

What about now?

Finished.

I hope you all enjoyed this because I genuinely enjoyed writing it. Leave some reviews and all that! Until next time xoxo