This story takes place in season 20 but Noah, Jesse and Frannie don't exist, and Amanda isn't pregnant.
I found the photo for this fic on Google, so credit goes to the person who made it.
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"Hey, come on in. Glad you could make it."
The woman standing in the hallway gives Olivia a tentative smile, long hair cascading in a waterfall of golden waves around her shoulders, makeup done to perfection, and a soft baby blue sweater peeking out from beneath her un-zipped coat.
It seems rather odd for Amanda Rollins to be stepping into the entryway of her apartment on Christmas Eve, especially since the blonde detective isn't accompanied by the rest of their squad, but this had been a last-minute decision for Olivia to avoid spending the evening alone; an idea that had sprung to mind while listening to Fin and Carisi talk of the fun-filled holidays they were about to have with their respective families.
As per usual, Olivia was intending on spending Christmas by herself, but during a recent lunchtime conversation focusing on the upcoming festive season, she had remembered a comment that Amanda had made years ago about never going home for Christmas. While observing the younger woman during their discussion, she had come to the conclusion that Amanda would most likely be alone as well, and that's when the plan had begun to form; the two loneliest members of the team uniting in their shared misery of the holidays, making an effort to conquer the Christmas blues and finding some joy together.
Amanda had been quite hesitant at first but had gradually warmed up to the idea of spending a few hours at her lieutenant's place on Christmas Eve, Olivia promising tasty food and good alcohol and no in-depth conversation, and Amanda had seemed satisfied by this proposition. Despite actually wanting to have company on Christmas Eve instead of wallowing in the familiar despair of being by herself, Olivia has no desire for this visit to be anything deep and meaningful; just a lighthearted evening between a boss and subordinate who have managed to carve out somewhat of a friendship over the past little while, and not a depressing walk down memory lane that involves bonding over the unhappy holidays of their youth.
They stand there awkwardly by the door for a moment, before Amanda gives her a sheepish grin and holds out a large bottle of wine for Olivia to take. "I know you said I didn't have to bring anything, but I figured there can never be enough alcohol, especially at Christmas."
"Amen to that," Olivia laughs appreciatively, nodding her approval as she takes note of the expensive brand and motions for Amanda to come further inside so they can stop hovering in the entryway.
Once the younger woman has removed her winter jacket and boots and they are sitting at opposite ends of the couch in the living room, the awkwardness returns and a crackling, tension-filled silence stretches out across the small space, like neither of them know what to do or say now that they're not surrounded by a group of fellow cops. Olivia realizes that they haven't spent much time alone over the years they have worked together; that in most cases, it's a party or a funeral or some other kind of work-related event whenever they see one another away from the precinct and nothing of a more personal, casual nature.
"Do you want some wine?" Olivia finally asks, eager to be rid of this quiet unease and enjoy a nice evening together.
"God, yes," Amanda replies instantly, a note of near-desperation evident in her tone, and Olivia isn't sure whether to be offended or amused by this, although she privately admits that she feels the same; that alcohol might be the best way to break the ice between them.
Hints of guilt and shame are simmering beneath the surface once she has poured generous glasses of red wine for each of them and they are sipping contentedly at their drinks while gazing at the brightly lit Christmas tree in the corner, Olivia immediately feeling more comfortable now that the booze has been brought out. She knows that it shouldn't be this way; that they shouldn't have jumped straight to the wine instead of making an actual effort to settle in and chat before introducing alcohol to the situation, but there is something about Amanda that has her feeling slightly on edge at the moment.
The other woman looks delicately beautiful in a way she generally doesn't when they are at the precinct; a softer, more feminine quality to her appearance that is usually hidden underneath hardened features, a gruff voice and attitude, and no-nonsense ponytails and pantsuits, while dealing with perpetrators in the interrogation room or out in the field conducting interviews and chasing suspects. Amanda has always been extremely attractive, something that Olivia had taken notice of right away upon their first meeting several years earlier; but the way she looks now, so gentle and pretty, her pale face bathed in the colorful glow of the Christmas lights, has Olivia's heart rate quickening and a disconcerting tingle residing at the juncture of her thighs.
She clears her throat gruffly and straightens up rigidly on the cushions like she is in pain, trying to shake off these unwanted feelings that have become much more common lately, and notices Amanda throwing her a surprised glance in return. Olivia gives her a tight smile and mutters something about having a cramp in her leg as she leans forward to pluck the remote from the coffee table, turning the television on as a distraction and flipping rapidly through the channels in search of anything silly and humorous.
She settles on "Christmas Vacation", a classic Chevy Chase holiday film that she has always enjoyed, a more genuine smile stretching across her face when she hears Amanda's instant laughter at the antics playing out on the screen. A swell of relief rises within her as Olivia sits back against the cushions again, taking a big gulp from her glass of wine and realizing that she has forgotten to set out the food to go along with the alcohol. Amanda seems completely unbothered by this, not wondering where the Christmas goodies are or mentioning that she is hungry, and Olivia shrugs as her head spins slightly with the warmth of the booze, deciding that she will worry about it later.
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By the time the first movie has ended and the next one is halfway through, Olivia is thoroughly relaxed and more than a little buzzed, her head lolling comfortably on the cushions and her eyelids drooping pleasantly as the alcohol swims through her veins. They have been chatting easily throughout the length of the films, seemingly unaware that their bodies are gradually inching closer to each other on the couch, until Olivia suddenly notices that Amanda is sitting so closely beside her that their arms and legs are occasionally brushing together.
Rather than commenting on the proximity of their positions or subtly shifting away to put some distance between them, Olivia stays right where she is and revels in the nearness of the younger woman; content with how the evening is progressing so far and glad to finally have someone to share Christmas Eve with instead of spending the night alone. Watching the usual cheesy holiday films and getting drunk on large quantities of wine is a lot more fun in Amanda's presence, the blonde detective now very pink-cheeked and heavy-lidded herself, grinning lazily when Olivia turns her head to look at her.
The rapid beat of her heart is making itself known once again as they gaze at each other across the scant amount of space left amidst them, and Olivia scrambles for something to say when she has the abrupt, intense urge to kiss the smaller woman. "So what do you want Santa Claus to bring you for Christmas, Amanda?" is the only question that she can think of to ask, stifling an embarrassed groan at how lame she sounds.
"Liv, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Santa isn't real," Amanda whispers with an adorable hiccup, the small squeak that emits from her lips making Olivia grin. "You'd think a lieutenant would be aware of that sort of information."
"For god's sake, Amanda, I know that. I'm just kidding around," Olivia chuckles with a roll of her eyes, choosing not to mention how out of sorts her detective is making her feel. "But if he was real, what would you ask for?"
"Sexual satisfaction," Amanda replies bluntly with no hesitation whatsoever, and Olivia manages to swallow her mouthful of wine just in the nick of time before her jaw falls open and she bursts into stunned laughter.
"Sexual satisfaction from Santa?"
"Ew, Liv, no!" Amanda guffaws in hilarity, throwing her head back as she joins in with mirthful giggles, blue eyes sparkling and golden waves tumbling around her shoulders. "I would prefer someone a little younger than Kris Kringle, thank you very much. But you know, not too young. Definitely not someone my age."
"Someone your own age is too young for you?" Olivia replies with an arch of her eyebrow, trying to tamp down the rush of hope and arousal that cause of flurry of butterflies to erupt inside her stomach.
"Well, yeah. I appreciate being with someone a little older; someone who has maturity and experience," Amanda explains casually, twirling one silver-painted fingernail around the rim of her wineglass in a languid, hypnotic way that has Olivia briefly transfixed.
"Maturity and experience don't always go hand in hand, though," she points out, taking a generous gulp from her own glass in an effort to calm her racing heart. "You can have one without the other, or maybe neither of them."
"Well, that is true," Amanda answers thoughtfully, leaning over to place her drink on the coffee table and settling back to fix Olivia with an unreadable expression. "My last boyfriend was a decade and a half older than me and he thought it was okay to cheat on me with prostitutes, so I think that shows a definite lack of maturity and self-control."
"Oh, Amanda, I'm so sorry," Olivia replies in a hushed tone, the levity of the conversation falling away for a moment as she frowns at the other woman in sympathy and concern.
Amanda shrugs and gives an indifferent wave of her hand, one side of her mouth lifting in a gesture that might pass for a smile. "Thanks, Liv, but it happened several months ago. I was hurt and furious when I found out about his shitty, inexcusable behavior, but I'm over it now. I mean, he was quite experienced but the maturity was lacking, as I said. So I guess you're right; they don't always go hand in hand."
Olivia swallows hard when she finds herself picturing Amanda in bed with some random, older man that she is just hearing about for the first time, unsure if she feels jealous or turned on by the lewd images running through her mind, and shifting uncomfortably on the cushions to relieve the ache at her core.
"The sex was really good," Amanda continues in a faraway voice, as if lost in memories of the past and not realizing the effect she is having on her boss, Olivia inhaling noisily and then letting out a rough cough to smother the sound. "But sometimes that's not enough, you know? Sometimes I need more of a connection; someone who gets me on a deeper level and isn't just there for a good time, especially if we're supposed to be in a committed relationship."
There is a short pause before the younger woman continues speaking, her gaze fixed firmly on Olivia again and her tone distinctly more sultry now. "But I wouldn't turn down sex, if the right person asked. It's been such a long time. Sometimes I want a connection and sometimes I just want to lose myself in the moment and not think too hard about it. It really depends on the circumstances because every situation is different."
"Yeah, I get that," Olivia replies in a somewhat choked manner, taking another giant gulp of wine to try and ease the dryness in her throat, casually crossing her legs and noticing the smirk on Amanda's face at her failed attempt to play it cool.
"You do, Liv?" the younger woman responds lightly as she drapes an arm across the back of the couch, Olivia feeling the barest motion of a palm skimming over her hair. "So sometimes you're looking for a connection, but other times you just need a good fuck?"
"Amanda..." Olivia trails off with a sharp gasp, her breath catching in her throat and a fiery red blush heating her cheeks with the intensity of a blowtorch, her fingers clenching so tightly around the stem of her glass that it nearly shatters in her hand before she loosens her grip. "Look, I know we're not exactly sober here, but we probably shouldn't be having this kind of discussion..."
"Why not?" Amanda challenges softly, Olivia letting the other woman take the wine from her and set it down on the coffee table, their gazes locked together with a fervor that sends a shiver along her spine. "We're both adults and we're not at work right now. We can talk about whatever we want. We can drink whatever we want. And we can do whatever we want..."
The hand that has been stroking ever so gently through her hair is now slipping beneath the thick dark locks to give a tender squeeze to the back of her neck, Amanda's body pressing against her taller form and the younger woman's sweet breath warming her face. Amanda's mouth is hovering so tantalizingly close to her own, pink lips plump and shiny, the blonde detective smelling so good and looking so breathtakingly beautiful that Olivia can't resist closing the tiny gap left between them.
Their lips meet tentatively at first, caressing together in a slow and careful exploration of each other's mouths, before the kiss deepens and they are anchored on the cushions in a passionate embrace, Olivia's arms winding tightly around the slim figure that has melted into her chest. Her hands are brushing up and down the back of the soft blue sweater, fingers grazing through golden tresses that feel like silk to the touch, and her brain is spinning in wild circles, a combination of alcohol and euphoria and doubt; hardly able to believe this is actually happening.
"I forgot to put the food out," Olivia murmurs into Amanda's mouth, as the thought suddenly occurs to her once again. "I'm not being a very good hostess."
"What?" Amanda replies with utter confusion in her tone as she pulls back to regard her with a frown, slender arms still looped around Olivia's neck. "What are you talking about?"
"The food that I bought for tonight...it's still in the fridge," Olivia explains while she struggles to catch her breath, chest heaving as she glances at the alluring hint of cleavage peeking out from Amanda's sweater. "I think we got drunk so quickly because we were drinking on empty stomachs when we should have been eating something, and now this we're doing this instead of watching movies..."
"No, Liv, we got drunk so quickly because we've consumed almost every single drop of booze in your apartment," Amanda snickers with delight before Olivia sees the flicker of concern on her flushed features, a pale hand coming up to stroke along her cheekbone. "Are you worried about that? Because I'm perfectly capable of consenting, Liv. I'm not that wasted. I know exactly what I'm doing and I know what I want. But I do think you're right about eating something..."
Olivia arches into the smaller woman's body with a ragged gasp when she feels nimble fingers glide between her breasts and over her stomach to rub softly between her legs, strong thighs instinctively squeezing Amanda's hand and trapping it there for a moment. She is dangerously close to exploding already, her jeans and panties pasted to her skin with dripping arousal, and she doesn't think she has ever felt anything this pleasurable in her entire life, her previous sexual experiences not even comparing to a few minutes of merely fooling around with Amanda.
There is something about the blonde detective that ignites a flame within her and sets her soul on fire, making Olivia yearn for certain things more than she ever has in the past, and the combination of alcohol and desire and those deeper, more meaningful feelings that she doesn't usually allow herself to have, are making her mind whirl and her head ache. She recalls Amanda's comments about needing to feel a connection sometimes, and although Olivia assumes that this is not one of those times and it doesn't apply here; that they aren't in a relationship and are just indulging in a good fuck, as the younger woman had so eloquently put it, the chaotic mixture of events that are unfolding gives her pause.
"Liv..." Amanda pulls away again with another frown, removing her hand from the juncture of Olivia's thighs and cupping her cheek urgently. "Are you worried that you're too drunk to consent? Is that why you were mentioning the food? Do you need to stop? I'm sorry if I went too far-"
"No, it's okay," Olivia says softly, grabbing the other woman's hand and threading their fingers together to bring their joined hands down to rest in her lap. "That's not it...well, not exactly, anyway."
"Well, what is it, then?" Amanda prods gently as she nudges Olivia with her shoulder, big blue eyes wide with confusion and worry. "Talk to me. Tell me what's going on."
"It's a lot of things," Olivia whispers as she tries to wade through all of the complex thoughts and emotions swirling through her brain, finding it difficult to think clearly.
"Like what?"
"Amanda, we shouldn't be doing this," she replies delicately, trying so hard to be articulate with her explanation but knowing that she is failing miserably.
"Why not?" Amanda sounds more confused than ever now, those cobalt orbs practically boring a hole into Olivia's face with the intensity of her stare. "I don't understand. If this is because of work; because you're my lieutenant and I'm your detective-"
"That's not exactly the reason either," Olivia interrupts quietly, tucking a strand of hair behind the younger woman's ear and the full weight of the situation becoming even heavier when she takes Amanda's words into consideration.
"Ugh, Olivia, then what?" She can practically feel the exasperation radiating from the small blonde plastered against her, and Olivia is suddenly desperate to put some space between them while she tries to figure things out.
"I can't have this conversation when I'm drunk," she mutters as she scrambles unsteadily to her feet and nearly bumps into the Christmas tree while trying to regain her balance. "I'm going to end up saying something that I regret."
"Oh?" Amanda looks distinctly hurt now as she huddles into the couch cushions with her legs folded into her chest and her arms wrapped around her knees, Olivia's heart aching at the rare show of vulnerability from the other woman. "If I'm not good enough for you, it's fine, you can say it."
"What? No." Olivia sighs harshly and scrubs her hands over her face, trying to find some sobriety beneath the thick layer of alcohol that is making this conversation so much more arduous than it needs to be and causing Amanda to misinterpret what she is saying. "That's not it at all. Quite the opposite, actually."
"I'm too good for you?" Amanda answers doubtfully, giving a skeptical tilt of her head as they gaze intently at each other.
"I just mean that it has nothing to do with not wanting you," Olivia corrects in frustration, raking her hands back through dark hair that is no longer sleek and tidy and is standing out in knotted tufts around her head.
"Liv, you're talking in circles here," Amanda sighs wearily, shifting on the cushions as they continue to stare at one another with rapt attention.
"That's because my mind is running in circles," Olivia groans impatiently, wishing she hadn't drank so much and had been able to exercise a bit of self-control. "I can't think straight."
"No kidding," Amanda chuckles in agreement, gesturing to their kiss-swollen lips and disheveled clothing. "I can't think straight when I'm around you either, Liv."
Olivia shakes her head, a hint of a smile pulling at her mouth as she wills the room to stop spinning so she can finally say what needs to be said. "That connection you were talking about earlier..."
She watches as Amanda nods encouragingly and motions for her to keep speaking, the smaller woman leaning forward on the couch.
"Well, as I've gotten older, that kind of connection has become more important to me," Olivia clarifies softly, carefully sidestepping a couple of gifts from Fin and Carisi that are poking out from beneath the tree. "I need to feel connected to the person I'm with and know that they feel a connection with me as well."
"I can appreciate that, Liv, but I think you're making this way more complicated than it needs to be," Amanda replies quietly, giving a slight shrug of her shoulders. "This was just supposed to be a fun night where we let go of our stress for a little while and relax; where we don't have to think too hard and over-analyze everything. Everyone else always gets to have these amazing Christmases, so why can't it be the same for us? Why can't we have a nice break too? Why do we always have to be miserable?"
"An amazing Christmas for you involves sex?" Olivia confirms dryly, quirking an eyebrow at the younger woman and noticing the deepening flush on her cheeks.
"Well, having sex is a hell of a lot better than what I usually do at Christmastime," Amanda answers bitterly as she throws her hands into the air, her pretty features pinched with emotion. "Spending it at bars, drinking away my sorrows while I try not to burst into tears in front of the bartender and constantly having to talk myself out of leaving to find the nearest casino."
"Oh, Amanda." Olivia's voice lowers to a whisper, an immense wave of sorrow overtaking her and wishing she had thought to invite the detective over in previous years, so neither of them would have to suffer through the holidays alone.
"I was happy when you asked me to come over here tonight, Liv, especially when you told me that it was just going to involve booze and food and no deep conversation," Amanda admits so softly that her voice is nearly inaudible now, blue eyes glittering expressively in the lights from the Christmas tree. "I was so ready to have a fun, lighthearted evening with no responsibilities." There is a short pause as Amanda clears her throat, her tone ragged when she speaks again. "And I was hoping we could extend to that some other activities, especially when you said you understood that sometimes it's about connection and other times it's just about losing yourself in the moment..."
"I do understand that," Olivia insists gently, taking a step toward the couch where the other woman is still huddled. "But it doesn't mean that's what I want for myself. It was okay when I was younger, but now..."
"What do you want now, Liv?" Amanda prompts in a hushed tone, blinking up at her as Olivia takes a second step closer.
"You," she replies simply, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips as she watches Amanda's eyebrows pull together in another confused frown.
"But you have me, Liv. I'm sitting right here in your apartment, offering myself to you. And you're turning me down."
"I'm not turning you down," Olivia assures her tenderly, unable to stand that look of hurt and rejection on Amanda's face and eager to make it go away. "I just want more than one night. I don't want to have this incredible, intimate time with you if you're just going to leave right afterwards; if we're just doing this because it's Christmas Eve and neither of us have anyone else to spend it with."
"Who said I was going to leave?" Amanda challenges with both eyebrows raised high on her forehead, shifting to the very edge of the cushions like she is about to stand up as well. "Maybe I want the same thing. And maybe there's no one else that I would rather spend Christmas with, or any other time of the year, for that matter."
"Now who's talking in circles?" Olivia responds wryly, trying to tamp down a sharp spike of hope that rises swiftly through all of the doubt and perplexity that this evening has brought. "Based on what you said earlier, I thought you just wanted a good fuck tonight and nothing more."
She swallows hard as Amanda's eyes instantly darken with arousal at her words, and the younger woman gets off the couch to saunter over to her with an enticing sway of her hips, placing her hands lightly on Olivia's waist. "I do want that, Liv, whenever you're ready. But I also want more too. You can have great sex and a deeper connection with someone at the same time, you know. It is possible, even though it's not a combination I've been able to find with anyone so far. But maybe I can find it with you."
Olivia's breath catches in her throat at Amanda's last sentence, the other woman's voice dropping down to a whisper as the words are spoken with a soft hesitance and longing, the detective's front teeth biting down on her lower lip as they gaze nervously at each other. Olivia very carefully wraps her arms around Amanda's back to draw her even closer, her mouth pressing gently against her temple to impart a sweet kiss upon her skin before trailing down to a plump pair of lips, her eyelids fluttering closed in pleasure when Amanda slowly begins to respond.
They hold one another tenderly in front of the brightly lit tree, bodies molding snugly together as their tentative gestures give way to pure passion, Olivia's heart exploding with joy at the unexpected turn this Christmas has taken and wondering what awaits them in the new year.