I wonder if I will ever see your face again
And I know that I will find a way to shed the skin
It's simple, I know that I will suffer in the end
*KT*
Moon was shining down on the Earth, snow twinkling like glitter beneath its light. There weren't many stars in the sky to see- city lights hid them more than the clouds. Still, you enjoyed the sight. Though the night was cold and the bench you were sitting on was wet and freezing, you gladly spent your free time staring up at the moon, a small smile on your face. Your breath turned into mist as you breathed out. Childish joy danced in your heart and you breathed out of your mouth on purpose, chuckling. You were feeling like a mighty dragon.
Snowflakes danced around you, falling down on the, already snowy, ground and you. They melted quickly upon meeting your skin, small drops of liquid sliding down your face. It was chilly and you wrinkled your nose at the sensation but didn't make a move to wipe off the water or get up to your warm, cozy, home. It was empty and loneliness lingered inside like an evil ghost.
Sighing sadly, you closed your eyes, your happiness bursting like a soap bubble. Months have passed yet you still had mood swings. Happy then sad, strong then weak and crying. Your heart twisted uncomfortably, the weight you were trying to ignore becoming too much. Guilt and shame gnawed at your insides like worms.
You should have made him go to the hospital, urged him more to see a doctor but no, you just listened to his promises that he will do it in spring. Maybe then, Tetsuya wouldn't have died and you wouldn't be alone, broken, and fighting to keep what little of your sanity has remained. You shouldn't have gone on that trip, you shouldn't have left him alone for a month.
You should have come home the moment he told you of arrhythmia, of breathing difficulties and high then low blood pressure.
Tetsuya was all alone, probably feeling the end coming near, going to the doctors. You should have been there by his side and taking care of him, not away on a vacation. You bit your lips, keeping in the sobs bubbling up in your chest. You shivered, pulling your coat closer to you as if it was the only thing keeping you from falling apart.
He must have hated you during his last moments. How could he have continued loving you when you have abandoned him? You dug your nails into your skin, scratching until layers came off and blood stained your fingertips. Your skin was too hot, too uncomfortable. It was like something was crawling beneath it. Anger boiled inside you and you glared at the snow your feet were buried in- like snow was to blame for all the things you've done and haven't done.
Snow continued to fall as you continued to blame yourself, suffocating on the guilt.