Author's Note: I...have no excuses for this phic. It is unapologetically stupid. To give credit where credit is due, this was inspired by the various Phantom-Characters-Do-Other-Musical phics scattered around That, and repeated playings of my (several) JCS recordings. Read at your own risk.
Authoress: All right, everyone, it's time to cast this puppy.
Carlotta: (preens) Now, what opera is we doing thees time? Does eet require anytheeng like theees? (goes into high-pitched and very irritating vocalizations)
Authoress: NO! (casts an evil glare at Erik, who is brandishing the Punjab lasso) This is Jesus Christ Superstar! It's the definitive ROCK opera!
Piangi: (flipping through his score) I dun't care whaaat you call it, theees is absolute filth! What good-for-nothing composer wrote this gar-bage?
Authoress: (grins) Why, none other than the all-powerful Phantom creator himself, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber! (Piangi shuts up) Yeah. That's what I thought. Okay, here we go. (pulls out a list) Erik, you're gonna be Jesus.
Erik: All right! I always knew that I was a Christ figure. (waves lasso threateningly at Raoul, who snorts indignantly)
Authoress: Riiight. (turns back to list) Judas will be played by….Miss Christine Daae!
Erik: Wow. That's some excellent casting. Nice work, Alaura. (high fives Authoress)
Christine: (blanches) Wha…what do you mean, JUDAS?! I can't be Judas! I'm a pretty little soprano GIRL! (advances on Erik) And what do you mean, "excellent casting?"
Erik: (withering stare) I should think that it would be quite obvious. "And look how you've repaid me, denied me and betrayed me." From where I stand, Judas is the perfect role for you, my dear.
Authoress: Yeahhh, I forgot the "denied me" part. Maybe she should be Peter, too! (Christine glares venomously) Uh…never mind. Judas should be quite enough for Christine. (ignores Christine's whispered protests to Raoul) Okay. Meg, you're gonna be Mary Magdalene.
Meg: (annoyed) WHY does everyone think that I'm a slut!?
Dan Brown: (pops out of nowhere and skips over to Meg, waving a copy of The Da Vinci Code) Actually, Mary Magdalene wasn't a slut. She was the lost wife of Jesus and the vessel for his bloodline! She was the Holy Grail! (notices the confused stares from the group) Yeah…so….later! (vanishes)
Authoress: Well….there you have it! Feel any better about that, Meg?
Meg: NO! (glowers at Erik, who winks at her)
Authoress: That's a shame. Oh well. Deal with it. Raoul, you're Pontius Pilate.
Raoul: Wait….I get to condemn him to death? (grins at Erik with elation) I can hardly believe this! Thank you, O Mighty Authoress!
Christine: Suck-up. (Raoul pouts)
Authoress: All right, kiddies, settle down. Andre and Firmin are going to play Caiaphas and Annas.
Andre: Which one's which?
Authoress: Who cares? You're interchangeable. (pulls out crazy bulb-like hats a la Norman Jewison's 1973 film) Here ya go. Have fun.
Carlotta: And I thought my Hannibal hat was bad…. (Andre pulls out her contract and threatens to tear it apart, silencing Carlotta effectively).
Authoress: Okay. Carlotta, you get to be King Herod. (Carlotta begins to sputter indignantly) No, it's really great! You get a neato costume and cool dancers and you get to make fun of Erik!
Carlotta: Can I do theees? (starts obnoxiously vocalizing again)
Authoress: Fine, fine, whatever. It's just one scene, anyway.
Carlotta: Whaaat?
Authoress: Nothing. (back to list) Madame Giry, you're gonna be Simon Zealotes. Simply because I want to watch you dance around like a fool.
Madame Giry: I….don't even have a response to that.
Authoress: Good. Everyone should follow your example. (glares at the group) Piangi's gonna be Peter. (under her breath) 'cause Peter's so unimportant that his crappy voice won't matter….
Piangi: (still sheepish about his ALW insult before, so stays quiet)
Authoress: And the rest of you random theatergoers and mob joiners can be lepers and apostles and stuff. Does anyone have any questions? (Everyone starts talking at once) Good, glad to hear it. All right, let's put on a show!