Two Pedophiles and a Brony, by Dickfart
Jiraiya and Naruto were on a journey adventure, until nasty Jiraiya started gawking at twelve year old girls bathing in the hot springs.
"Oh brother," said Naruto. "I'm gonna get some ramen. Believe it!"
And as he got some ramen. Believe it! Itachi and Kisame appeared menacingly behind him, and used Psychic to lift him up by the neck. It was some fuckin Darth Vader shit, homie.
"Wot r u doing?" said Saucegay, wearing nothing but lace panties and bunny ears. One twelve year old male, one old guy, and all girls spiraled into a whirl of blood from their noses.
Of course Naruto was knocked out by pre-teen hormones, nature's favorite puppet string. Meanwhile, Sasuke was sad that Panties no Jutsu didn't work on Itachi, who was his super secret crush three levels deep into his subconscious rabbit hole.
"Foolish little brother. You've killed Orochimaru!"
"Isn't that a good thing?" said Kisame, who recalled that Itachi was molested by Orochimaru seven times before he completed a full thought about Sasuke, and when he woke to the injustice he inflicted Orochimaru's cult all with cancer, which is why that Kimi-mimi-billybob died of a ruptured sphincter while Gaara had sand in his vagina. Rock Lee was there too.
"I needed Orochimaru to comprete the last step in my masturbate," said Itachi, with a straight face.
"Don't you mean master plan?"
"Dude, I already forgot what the fuck we were talking about. I'm dying of ninja cancer just like all of Orochimaru's peasants. I'm also tripping on acid right now, so could you like use smaller and prettier words? My toes hurt."
"OK," said Kisame, and they huddled together like a married couple and watched My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
"Can we watch too?" said Naruto, with a bowl of ramen and two tampons in his nose. Sasuke was only in his panties still, so Itachi took off his Juggalo robe and covered his little brother's nearly naked form.
"Itachi," said Sasuke.
"Wut?" said Itachi.
"Why won't you love me?" said Sasuke.
"Because you're twelve," said Itachi. "Shut up. It's Rainbow Dash."
He took out his Fluttershy fleshlight and started jerking off, occasionally swatting Sasuke's hand away when he tried to cop a feel.
"FUCK!" said Jiraiya, bursting through the door. "I was totes swimmin' in iddy biddy tiddy."
"Gross," said Naruto. Itachi stood up and cast Microwave no Jutsu on Jiraiya's head, which immediately exploded into chunks everywhere. Kisame, being a stereotypical shark, hopped into the chunks and slurped them all up. Yum yum!
That was the last jutsu Itachi ever would cast, as the microwaves from his brain sped up the rate of decay in his body as well as beefed up all the cancer cells. Coughed up blood once and died, his last words to Sasuke being, "Tell... my waifu... Rainbow Dash... I'm sorry... Fluttershy... was th... e only one... in stock... bleh." And he was dead, and Kisame chewed on his corpse like beef jerky.
"You know what's funny?" said Naruto, who didn't care because him and Kyubey were both tripping on acid.
"What, stupid fuck?" said Sasuke, crying like a bitch. Itachi's hoodie was still warm and smelled like him.
"The fangirls expect us to make out right now."
The End