Disclaimer: I don't own ER, nor it's characters. I cannot ensure your enjoyment, although one would hope.

Author's note: Just one thing you would need to know, this takes place after Susan and John broke it off, and that's it. The rest should be revealed in this chapter and the next. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the show…well, the story rather.

THE PAST I OWN

Chapter One: Don't

Alone he stood in the darkened cold hallway in the ER. He knew the hallway and the occasion. The fear that raced through his veins made him nauseous as a woman passed and continued down the empty hall. "STOP!" He pleaded without any reply or sign she had heard him. "Stop," his voice cracked, "don't go. Don't go that way. You can't go in there." Approaching the exam room door she paused for a moment almost as if she considered his plea. "Don't," He whispered with emotions that dripped of the letters. He watched the door swing to the position it had previously been in, before the woman entered the room that lay beyond it.

Falling to his knees, tears of sorrow and helplessness fell into his hands. His body shook with pain that couldn't be measured. For what seemed like longer than minutes he stayed there, crouched in defeat and broken. Another figure began to move down the hall in the footsteps of the woman who had gone before. Lifting his head his tear streaked faced gazed at the man's back. "Please don't." His voice was cracking again, almost horse as he reached out his hand, knowing he couldn't touch him. "Don't! Just stop! Don't go in there! You can't go!" But the figure continued and another wave of despair and failure washed over the immobilized man.

Once again the door shut and he exhaled anything left within him; he knew the hell that awaited them. Falling completely to the floor his body suddenly convulsed with pain. The pain he knew to well. Contorting he reached for his back and screamed without relief. Tears and wails the only solace he could find, and even that inadequate and useless.

Lying on the ground the taste of blood filled his mouth, the sound of music and laughter filled his ears from the party he knew was yards away. Eyes shut, all he could see was her face, covered with terror and pleading for him to save her. Save them. Succumbing to the pain, to the reality that filled his senses with him still in the hallway. It was his hell, the hell that followed him through the years, through the relationships, through his life. It was the hell that was unrelenting and would sometimes hide for periods only to reemerge with a vengeance and renewed zeal. He could feel it all like the day it happened.

Returning to reality with a gasp, John Carter sat up in bed. He exhaled a sigh and wiped the sweat and tears from his face. Glancing to the left he stared at the clock that read 3:47 AM. Defiantly it glowed, daring him to return to the world of sleep and dreams. Releasing his head into his hands, he then slowly ran his fingers through his hair. Sleep wasn't an option. Most people couldn't return the dreams they had left, but somehow, perhaps by some subconscious curse or the responsibility he bore, he could return to the moment he left. Sleep was done.

Slowly he slid out of bed and began to methodically stretch. One quick move and the pain would stick with him longer than he would like. Moving silently he turned on the shower and while waiting for it to heat up he continued on to the kitchen and bee lined for the coffee maker. This was the best he could do, this was the only makeshift answer he could summon and he took what comfort he could from it.

……

It was a slower than usual morning. Conversation and laughter had formed around the admit desk. As the shift changes began a natural crowd had begun to come together. "Let me tell you man…" Malik stated to Jerry as they discussed some sporting event that had ended with a nice profit. There were at least four major conversations flowing, and people moved in and out of them with a grace that only comes from years of long shifts together. Haleh, Abby, Luka, among others smiled and laughed, enjoying each other's company. Leaning against the desk Susan sat back and quietly watched. She was listening to bits and pieces, simply enjoying being in the ER. An experience that came at random moments and made the insanity that was usually the reality more than worth it. The words of Luka filling her head as she abstractly gazed, "and it turns out the guy was a retired cop. He used to be on the bomb squad." Susan listened as she thought about the movie Speed. Keanu Reeves was hot. Pondering the actor she saw the doors automatically open as Carter made his way in and without looking over at the loud group he headed for the lounge.

Something's wrong. Susan knew it. It had been hard to let him go. They were still friends, but withdrawn. Not that she could blame him. It had been sudden and out of the blue. Their relationship had been progressing slowly, but that's what she had liked about it. That's what she had needed, she knew he understood that. The reasons she had come back to County, to Chicago, had almost everything to do with what she was trying to get away from. Perhaps it was also what she was trying to find as well. Maybe that's why he had taken it so hard when she told him. He had also put on a front, but she knew John Carter, and his front was admirable, but a front none the less. It was obvious to her, that day in the workshop. The bonds that tied him to Abby, a stranger could see them. He was hurting now, dealing with something and he wasn't talking to her. Not that she really expected him to, but she wanted him to.

With out her seeing, Abby was watching. She had seen John come in. She had seen the look that had registered on her new friend's face. She knew Susan had broken up with John because of her. She knew that as much as Susan denied or acted other wise it hurt her. Most upsetting, no one was talking about it. Abby wanted John to talk to her, Abby wanted to talk to Susan about it. Susan wanted to talk to John about it, and who knows who, if anyone, John wanted to talk to. He certainly wasn't making any moves, but then none of them could blame him. The worry on Susan's face revealed all she already knew to Abby. She could remember the days when that look would come across Carter's face when she would talk to him.

Reemerging from the lounge, he slowly wrapped his stethoscope around his neck. Looking from a distance he saw the group. For a second he locked eyes with Susan. Breaking the glance he walked down the hallway and disappeared. A quiet place is all he wanted. The patient situation was fine, everyone was doing nothing. A quiet room where he could be alone, perhaps alone with happier thoughts.

Watching him walk away without any type of gesture or communication Susan shut her eyes and sighed. Seeing it all happen, Abby too exhaled and glanced down at the floor.