Red Ed's POV, a fullmetal alchemist fanfic

Everywhere I turn I hurt someone…

But there's nothing I can say to change the things I've done.

I'd do anything within my power,

I'd give everything I've got.

But the path I seek is hidden from me now…

Brother bear, I let you down.

You trusted me, believed in me, and I let you down.

Of all the things I hid from you, I cannot hide the shame,

And I pray someone, something will come

To take away the pain…

There's no way out

Of this dark place.

No hope,

No future.

I know I can't be free…

But I can't see another way…

And I can't face another day…

It is my constant companion.

He's always trying to tell me that he's to blame too.

Anything to keep me from blaming myself.

I smile bitterly. What a futile attempt.

I glance down a bit, feeling the weight of it again.

Guilt.

I spot the red of my coat.

Hmm. I wonder why I wear this.

I've seen so much red you'd think I'd be sick of it already…

But maybe that's why I do wear it, for the memories. So I can never forget. After all, it was always my fault…

He's staring at me again. I know Al knows what I'm thinking. Quickly I recompose myself. But I slipped up again. He knows.

But I don't think he knows all of it. If anything, I will keep him from knowing that. Hah, I think bitterly. He doesn't know. It's more than emotion. It's simple logic.

And it is true; had I simply listened to him that night instead of stubbornly persisting, perhaps I could have prevented this…

So many times, I'd just been too stubborn. But what else can I do? He's all I have left, and I can't have him worrying over me. I just want to fix everything…

But it is still so red…

It happened quite often. During the lighter times, it's haze would cover me, a light fuzz as I quite effectively shut up anyone who dares to insult my… vertical… issues.

The haze turns into a thick sheet when I think of… him. That no-good father of ours who left… but I guess that was my fault too. Even through the blanket, the guilt won't leave…

Once I let it in, they followed me everywhere. I suppose they just go hand in hand.

The red comes, and then the guilt. Perhaps if I just left the red behind, I could rid myself of the other…

I've seen it so much more since then.

The haze became solid. Much too solid.

I cannot suppress the harsh shudder that ripples through my spine. It's still there… I can never think of her without that image butting in and taking over. It tears my head apart.

It was all over the floor… I was alone, and that red was so much darker. Filthy. It was all over our basement, and I will never forget…

It was so red that night. I couldn't stop it. The red was surrounding me too. I didn't understand at first. I was too far away from that…

Another shudder.

But it made sense later. It was me. I was red.

Impure.

And also alone. So very alone.

But I cannot hate the red completely. I hold to it for him.

Because my red bought him back.

Maybe not her…

But at least I got part of him back.

From there it followed me like a plague.

Perhaps if I ran fast enough, clung hard enough to determination and desire, maybe then…

But it followed me everywhere.

I thought I turned my back on it the night it engulfed our house. Never again whole. No more refuge. Huh. Just like my soul…

And then I thought things would get better…

Nina.

Another harsh shudder.

That alley, that wall… but before that, the red was all over my hands… that maniac's blood.

And I felt it seep through my gloves. There was nothing I could do. But still…

Another useless clap, and I couldn't stop myself from slamming my palms to the stone wall.

The wall. So unforgiving. So cold. So red.

I couldn't hold my tears in then. But I was still a child.

And every day since…

How many have I watched die, or killed myself?

Too many. It shouldn't have been this way…

This wasn't what we wanted…

I couldn't let it happen again.

I would shed no more tears.

I had to be strong.

For Al.

My saving grace. A comfort.

Mantra. Chant. Whatever you wish to call it.

But that is my purpose.

Find the stone. Return Al to his body.

A sudden pause.

Ironic.

Oh, SO ironic. For me to realize only now.

Red. The color of our desire, the object we seek.

And the blood of all those who will have to die for it.

The truth.

And the truth behind it.

It has nothing to do with the stone.

It never did.

I was running away.

I clung to some hope, some chance at being clean again.

But I cannot. I am stained.

I am impure. The red has pierced me to the core.

Blood. All on my hands.

So why did Al suffer?

He is innocent. He is pure.

I am not.

He doesn't deserve this.

Another dead end.

And he suffers.

I don't think I can take much more.

But I can't cry. Not anymore.

For Al.

Be strong.

Look after each other.

A wave of shame.

I'm sorry.

I failed.

And I know I've disappointed her.

Guilt of the sinner. Drenched in blood.

All my fault. It always has been, always was.

Father left.

Mother died.

I would not listen. Al suffered. A body lost.

So many. Dead. Dying. Injured. Bleeding. How can I even keep track?

I can't. And they deserve more than that.

But I can't let the rest see.

I have to be the strong one.

My resolve should be strengthening. I am living for Al.

But…

I don't think I can handle anymore.

The nightmares don't stop.

The guilt weighs heavy and smothers me with the scent of iron redness… seeping through it.

I am alone. I am a sinner.

For Al.

I get up. Another lead.

Please let it be worth something this time.

I don't really know what happened.

They've started appearing.

Not quite red.

Well, they were, at first.

But they've gone pink now.

But always across. Never down.

I can't. Not deep enough.

Maybe someday.

It seems to be working.

After I've done it, I have to hide it.

But I don't think he knows.

And that's ok. Because he doesn't have to.

I've finally found a way.

Maybe…

I give up. There is no sense in all this.

Everything I saw there only confuses me more. I understand, but I don't. And it kills me.

I hate this limitation.

The guilt grows heavier.

But Al can't carry it. Even if he wanted to.

Because it is not his.

My fault.

My sins.

My brother.

For Al.

It scares me that it's not working.

But I am going deeper now.

I fear the release weakening.

I can't…

The pain feels so good.

I think I'm addicted to it…

No. I can stop. I just don't want to.

I owe it to those I've hurt.

And it will never be enough.

For the first time, I go down.

The cold feels so good.

It is so indifferent.

It does not judge what I've done.

A silent assistance.

And that's it.

The red consumes me.

Drowning me. All the blood of those I hurt.

Coming back for retribution.

I don't fight.

I feel…

The red turns darker.

Filthy, like that night.

No.

Black.

It's too much…

They are back.

And I see it again.

I don't want to enter.

But I do.

Everyone I care about, those who died because of me…

I don't know what I want.

Her arms are around me.

I haven't felt this embrace.

Not in four years.

But here she is.

"Why are you giving up?"

I feel her disappointment. Sorrow.

Grief, more guilt.

I can't do right.

Even her embrace cannot cure it.

And that scares me.

But she knows what will.

"Will you go back?"

"Why?"

"For Al."

And I feel something.

It is familiar, but it isn't in the gate…

It's him.

And suddenly the weight is gone.

He can. He can cure me.

I have to try.

"Yes."

And then I know I'm back.

I know because the guilt comes to take it's familiar place, sitting heavy and unforgiving in my heart, dragging down my soul to drown in sorrow and blood.

And the pain.

I thought I could escape.

But it will only follow me.

I can only try. Try to atone.

Slightly, only slighty.

And he is right there.

But it feels different.

He doesn't feel worried, but…

I can't make it out.

I have to apologize. I can't begin to atone without a place to start.

But he will hate me.

I would have left him.

Alone.

Like that.

"Al…"

The words strangle in my throat, caught on all my sin.

I try again, desperate to get it out before it renders me forever mute.

"Al, I-"

"Let's be strong together." He cuts me off.

I stare. All the things I learned previously, all the pain. Gone. I can't understand. I thought for sure…

He has more than enough reason to hate me… But I can tell he doesn't.

His words are more than just what he said.

I had always tried.

I thought I could fool everyone with my façades. I knew they were fake. Somehow I suspected he would always be able to see through them, but…

Not like this.

He didn't just know.

He knows.

I never fooled him at all. He's not just my kid brother anymore. I always thought I had to lead the way. I wanted to be strong. I thought it was to be the responsible one, to protect him and watch over him.

But he always knew.

And he let me.

He never questioned because he knew from the start.

I have been fooling myself.

And I just can't take it anymore.

I can't stop the tears from falling. I don't understand. I've never cried this way before.

It feels different from grief.

I don't let myself cry often. But I still know what they all feel like.

Not like this.

His arms are around me, and I feel him.

He can't. He can't even feel this simple gesture.

I hug him tighter, and the tears continue to fall.

"Al…" I don't know what I'm trying to say.

"I know."

And I realize he does.

"You always have." And that was it.

He is the only one who can relieve me of my guilt. My pain.

I thought I could handle it alone.

Stupid. Stubborn. Prideful.

I see it now. I never could. I can't spurn his help any longer.

He was the one who took away the pain.

I don't want to. But he seems determined to carry my mistakes.

If it means he can help… it's all he wants.

I can't push him away anymore.

Maybe I can let him share the burden…

"Yes." He replies.

So much in that one word. It could have been answer to a million questions or more.

I'm not quite sure what he meant.

I am still unsure.

Yes.

Red.

I've seen it so much.

But without it, I wouldn't have experienced. And I wouldn't have known.

It is my favorite color now.

It is my reminder.

And my hope.

It pulses in my veins.

It won't rest.

And neither will I.

It has meant death, sorrow, and pain.

But now I will see it as my brother.

Because that same red gave him back to me after my fatal mistake.

And he does not blame me for it.

Never has, never will.

And I will give my all to yet another person I have wronged.

The guilt is still there.

This doesn't change what has happened.

But in that moment, something did…

I will not give up.

Al will not let me, and I certainly will not allow myself to anymore.

I can feel a burning in my soul.

It is red.

Our bond.

Unbreakable. Strange, I cannot think of a better word. That doesn't even begin to cover it.

I abandon the attempt.

Much to my relief, he does not mention that time.

Nor do any of the others, who were apparently very concerned at the time.

I smile a little.

There has been so much blood.

But this runs stronger than any stains found in my soul.

Because he can bury beneath them all and wipe them away, if only for a moment.

He lets me continue to be strong.

He will continue to let me lead.

And through the pain, I will continue.

He is there.

And always will be.

A bond stronger than blood.

His promise.

And mine.

Our love as brothers.

Red.