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The Doctor, his chest heaving, rested his back on one side of the TARDIS console, as Rose relaxed against the other side. "Who'd have thought it possible?" the Time Lord exulted. "Psychopathic water nymphs. This universe never ceases to surprise and astound me."
"Doctor," said Rose, her breaths halting and uncertain, "are we really cursed? I mean, are we going to stop breathing and die?"
"Oh, no, not at all," the Doctor replied. "Ondine's Curse isn't literally a curse. It's a condition in which the involuntary respiratory reflex breaks down, so that the person afflicted has to remember to breathe. Now that we're no longer in contact with the water of Nymphadora IX, the effects of the curse will wear off. All you and I have to do is stay awake, and keep breathing, for the next three hours."
Rose, noticing that she hadn't inhaled for more than eight seconds, frantically sucked in some recycled TARDIS air. "You never notice it's there, until it's gone," she mused. "The constant in-and-out of breathing, I mean."
"Right, then," said the Doctor, jumping to his feet. "It just so happens that I once learned some breathing exercises from the great yoga master, Yoga. The first exercise is easy. Picture yourself as a lotus flower, swaying in a strong breeze…"
"Doctor," said Rose earnestly, "if you don't mind terribly, I'd like us to try out a different kind of exercise."
"What might that be?" said the Doctor. "Knee bends? Nose bends?"
His carefree grin turned into a shocked scowl. Rose was pulling her Union Jack shirt over her head, leaving nothing to cover her torso but a bra and a cascade of blond hair.
"No, no, no," said the indignant Time Lord.
"Yes, yes, yes," said Rose, reaching down to undo her zipper. "I've wanted this, like, forever, and I know you want it too. I've seen how you look at me."
"You don't understand," said the Doctor, straining not to stammer. "It's not that I don't find your body sexually appealing in a human sort of way. It's that…well, Time Lord sex is complicated. It's like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, sexy-wexy stuff…very difficult to explain."
Rose, having wasted no time, was entirely naked by this point. "Shut up and take me, you handsome hunk of man flesh," she said, her girl bits shaking like so many bowls of jelly.
Dumbfounded, the Doctor stared at his Converse trainers. "I guess this is the only way you'll learn," he said, and started to unbutton his shirt.
"That's a good boy," said Rose, leering as the Doctor removed his sneakers, his pants, and his pin-striped boxer shorts. "I can't wait to get my hands around your…what…?"
The Doctor smiled sheepishly and nakedly. There was no sound but the hum of the TARDIS engine.
"What…is that thing?" exclaimed Rose, her eyes fixed on the region connecting the Doctor's legs. "It's unnatural. It's freaky!"
"That's one woman's opinion," said the Doctor in a self-assured tone. "More than a dozen Time Ladies have told me it's the most beautiful sight they've ever laid eyes on."
"Put it away," said Rose, teetering on the edge of panicked horror. "Put it away now."
"As you wish," said the Doctor, bending over to retrieve his boxers.
Once his groin was safely hidden, he looked up at Rose, whose glazed face was starting to turn pale. "Breathe," he instructed her.
The blonde promptly gasped for air.
"I always have to remind them to breathe," the Doctor muttered to himself.
THE END