aren't you tired (of all of the violence inside of you)
one
In Devon she can breathe deeper.
It's as if she suddenly realised her lungs had been operating at half capacity for so long. But then it felt like every organ had been twisted, painful and dark since she lost her child and wished she could have gone with him. While that pain, that physically crippling blow to gut was still a constant Michelle had thought she had grown better at hiding it. That she'd use the momentum of bitter betrayal to carry on, at least for the short term.
She hadn't even noticed that she was barely breathing.
Carla's new life seemed to fit her, all cable-knit jumpers like some fashionable Scandinavian drama and a new sense of still calmness. There was a history to the place; quaint old buildings, wide open green spaces and imposingly jagged coastlines where the wind whipped stinging salt water into the eyes of those brave enough to take on the winter months.
Plenty of room to breathe, freedom to fill her lungs without someone closing in upon her and pressing her down.
It was a relief as much as it was a new type of pain. Like slowly relearning how to use muscles that had been left in a state of sad atrophy.
And Carla was a steady presence behind her, never intruding, just a reassuring steadiness at her shoulder ready for whenever she may be needed.
Michelle would have pointed out the role reversal because for once Carla was not the one hanging just past the brink of disaster. But her friends open expression had her hesitating before being too cruel. It felt like the longest time since she had wanted to do that for anyone. She should have known that she didn't have to try to be soft and tactful around her friend. Carla even beat her to mentioning it, pouring out large helpings of alcohol and voicing her friends thoughts only moments after she had forced them to stay inside. It had been said with a wry self deprecation and they both had laughed and laughed in a way that was real and helpless but oh so freeing.
While the world battered them from every direction somehow this woman had become the one constant she had left.
She finds herself wondering absently what her brothers would have thought of her current situation; taking coastal walks in the south west with her high maintenance sister-in-law, clinging to each other's arms against the uneven ground and bitter weather as they traded sarcastic remarks. Wondering if the pair of them had changed too much or if their loved ones would still recognise them.
The loss of her siblings had become an almost comfort knowing that if anything really existed after this life then Ruairi would never be alone. Maybe that was enough of a comfort and maybe she had enough still to live for to keep herself alive and most defiantly kicking. Besides Paul and Liam would never let her hear the end of it if they were reunited too early and she suspected Carla would follow her just to tell her off. It was easier to remember that here.
It felt strange to smile again, like the numbness wearing off after a trip to the dentist. She smiled a lot around Carla. Cried a lot too because she knew she would not be judged or pitied. But right now she was smiling, a small genuine quirk of the lips as she fondly watched Carla flip her hair over her shoulder as she bent slightly to unlock the front door so they could escape the elements.
"Any sane woman would have invested in sensible footwear when they move to the middle of nowhere. Those things are hardly recommended for walks along the beach." Michelle quirked an eyebrow at the offending footwear as she nudged the front door shut with her hip and unwrapped the borrowed scarf from her neck.
Carla simply glared at her, dropping her keys on the nearest cabinet and moving into the kitchen to turn on the kettle. Her voice raised when she shouted over her shoulder as Michelle took her time removing her gloves and coat.
"These are as sensible as my boots go babe. If I can make it blind drunk across wet flaming cobbles in Jimmy Choo's I can hike in these."
Michelle was smiling again, snorting with amusement as she followed her into the kitchen, cheeks and fingers tingling at the sudden change in temperature after being outside so long in the middle of winter. She thinks of all the times Carla had fallen back on the street both physically and metaphorically, but she seemed stable enough here. Twice as large and more solid than the shell of a person she had become in the last year at her former home.
"Not that you'd want to though" she found herself replying without really thinking.
"I'd rather die."
Even as the kettle rumbled along to announce that the water had boiled Carla had already changed her mind and was reaching for large wine glasses rather than mugs. Michelle moved around the space with ease even though she had only been there a day and a half. Being around Carla was calming she was one of the few people left that she didn't want to hurt, who talking to didn't make her skin itch and her teeth ache.
Carla did not filter her every word or offer empty condolences. She didn't shuffle awkwardly not knowing what to say instead she had greeted her with a tight hug and launched straight into conversation like they had never been apart. Carla acted like she knew the pain was constant, that random words wouldn't be enough to make all the trauma come rushing back for it would never leave.
They would have to talk about the sudden reason for Michelle's visit but there was no hurry, no reason to dismiss the comfort from decades of friendship.
The glasses were pushed into her hands as Carla's rings clinked against the wine bottle she fetched before ushering them both into the other room and nudging Michelle towards an elegant settee. Her friend plonked herself on the neighbouring armchair, dramatically sliding her legs over the armrest and then having to contort her body further as she reached over to fill both glasses. Her hair was darker now unlike the sunny colour she had bleached it before leaving Weatherfield and still windswept from their time outside. Michelle smoothed it back down for her before quickly squeezing her friends fingers where they held Michelle's glass steady. When her eyes filled with tears this time it was because this almost felt like home.
"I really did miss you"