These fics were written for the May 2012 'Milady/Milord Fic Battle' on LJ. Each author got a whole heap of prompts & the fics had to be 300+ words.

Author: Carly
Rating: Up to PG-13
Spoilers: Up to 3.20
Disclaimer: I don't own Community

PROMPT 01: Jeff and Annie are in a haunted house at a carnival. Jeff is freaked out, but he refuses to admit it. To cover up his feelings, he is super-protective of Annie, who is annoyed that he's ruining her enjoyment of the ride.

"Jeff?"

"Hmm?"

"Why do you have your eyes closed? You're missing all the fun."

"You're the one missing all the fun, dummy," he scoffed, cracking one lid open to stare at her. "I'm enjoying the ride in a completely aural sense, you should try it."

"But then I wouldn't see all the cool stuff," she said, gesturing to the blood-spattered wall to their right. "Like that dead guy with all of his guts hanging out!"

Grimacing, Jeff turned to where she was pointing just as a vampire sprang out from the wall, fangs bared. "Holy f…un. That was fun!" he reiterated with a forced smile, gripping onto Annie's arm. "How you doing? You OK? Need a manly bicep to take hold of, because I am ready, willing and able."

"I'm fine, Jeff," she said, raising an eyebrow. "My bicep's losing a bit of blood-flow, though."

"Sorry," he said, loosening his hold. Jeff inched closer to Annie on the seat of their small carriage. "It's freezing in here," he offered when she glanced curiously at him. "Don't want you catching a cold… or getting stabbed in the throat by Chucky and left by the roadside to die," he muttered.

"What?"

"What? Nothing." Jeff laughed a little too hard. "Hey, look! More things that can kill you in the night! How much fun are we having?"

Annie's eyes lit up with delight as ghostly holograms danced over their heads. "Aww, tiny baby ghouls!"

"Of course you'd find that adorable," snarked Jeff, slouching into his seat as far as he could go. "You're officially insane, Annie. You've got haunted house fever. Come on," he said, taking her hand. "We need to get you out of here before you summon Beetlejuice."

"Jeff! You can't just leap off the carriage in the middle of everything!" She held his hand tight and forced him to sit down. "I think you're the one with haunted house fever. Now would you stop fidgeting and let me enjoy the rest of the ride?"

"Fine," Jeff said, folding his arms. "But if we get murdered, let the records state that I died during an act of chivalry."

"Whatever." Annie shivered with glee when she felt cobwebs tickle her face as they rode through another dark corridor. All they could hear was a heartbeat echoing through the speakers… and someone humming. Annie glanced at Jeff. "Are you… humming Daybreak?"

Jeff froze. "… I'm doing it to make you feel more at ease?" he lamely offered. "Is it working?"

Sighing, Annie slipped her hand back into his. "Sure. It's 'heightening my aural senses' and all that jazz," she teased. "Giant baby," she whispered with a smirk.

PROMPT 02: Jeff has amnesia: what are his thoughts when he sees Annie/other members of the study group again?

Day 01

Jeff glanced around the hospital room, his head spinning like he'd gone ten rounds in a boxing ring against The Hulk. The doctors told him that he'd been in a car accident and that he was suffering from temporary retrograde amnesia, which would explain why he had no idea who the six people currently staring at him were. There was a pretty brunette with big eyes and big boobs (who he'd mistaken for a nurse at first because she wouldn't stop fussing over him), a blond who kept asking him if she could use him as a case study for class, two young guys who were in an argument about whether they should nickname him 'Dory' or 'Jason Bourne', another woman with dark hair clutching her crucifix necklace and some old guy asking if he'd broke his penis as well as his arm.

Maybe he had died in the accident and this was his very own hell.

Day 03

The six people were still here: Boobs, Blondie, Skinny Guy, Emotional Guy, Church Lady and Old Guy. And some bald man with glasses who wouldn't stop touching his chest. It was beyond weird. But they stayed most of the day, as they'd done the past three days, trying to jog his memory.

Why in the hell does he attend a school with an anus flag?

Day 06

Jeff had started to get used to his little band of misfits. He was equal parts frustrated and bemused by their behavior and had started to bank some of their traits in his mind to build up a catalogue. Jeff gazed at the nametag of the girl called Annie (she'd insisted everyone wear them each time they visited, scolding the guy called Troy for pretending his middle name was 'Butt soup'). Annie was organized. She'd created a folder for him with information about his friends, his life at school, even color-coding it. Jeff hadn't exactly read it properly (it was the size of a small island and his brain was currently in sleep-mode, come on), but he appreciated the thought – and the way she smiled at him when he thanked her.

Seriously, though, why is the school's emblem an ass? Is it run by a committee of 13-year-old boys?

Day 10

Annie was the only one who visited him that afternoon. She hadn't missed a day yet. She arrived when he'd just taken a shower and the nurse hadn't been back yet to help him with his hair. Jeff tried to banish her from the room, insisting he looked like a hobo. But Annie just laughed and called him a handsome one, running her fingers through his hair to try and get some sort of style happening. Jeff smiled and admitted that he knew he was being vain but he cared what she thought about him, you know? Annie froze before murmuring that she cared what he thought about her too.

Jeff suddenly had a flashback of himself singing 'Faith' for a Real World audition. Of all the memories, why the hell did that one unexpectedly come back?

Day 15

Annie brought some of her homework with her. Jeff studied her as she sat in a chair beside him, her stocking-clad feet propped up on the bed next to his. A smirk appeared on his face as something sprang to mind, and he asked her if he could borrow a purple pen. Annie grinned and threw a blue one at him instead.

Day 19

The room was buzzing with six voices merging into one wall of sound. Jeff was finally being released today and all of his friends were there to take him home. He'd made a lot of progress since the accident. Some things were still fuzzy, but some things were as clear as day and he had to share his most recent revelation with one very important person. Jeff called Annie over in private and took her hand, smiling at her. "Milady," he said, enjoying the way her mouth dropped open in surprise. Her eyes shining, she squeezed his hand in return. "Milord."

Troy and Abed draped the school flag over his shoulders like a cape as they all exited the hospital. 'Captain Butthole' Pierce had called him. Yeah. He was definitely on his way home.

PROMPT 03: Instead of moving in with Troy and Abed, Annie finds an ad on Craigslist advertising an apartment with three men looking for a roommate - Schmidt, Nick, and Winston. Jeff goes with her and butts heads with Schmidt.

"Who's that girl?" asked Annie, nodding at a picture frame on the coffee table.

"Who's that girl?" Schmidt repeated, pointing to a woman with long straight hair. "Just a freakin' goddess that roams the earth. Weaving her spell on the menfolk then running around leaving scars, collecting her jar of hearts…"

"Stop quoting pop songs, Schmidt," Winston warned under his breath. "You're scaring the nice potential roommate."

Annie shared a quick bemused glance with Jeff before shaking her head. "No, who's that girl? The one with the glasses."

"It's Jess," said Nick abruptly. "She's gone traveling with the, air quote, 'jar goddess' for six months, that's why we need to fill the room. Temporarily fill the room," he added. "She's coming back, yo." He bowed his head. "I don't know why I said yo. It seemed like a 'yo' moment, which I immediately regretted." Nick exhaled slowly as everyone stared at him. "So, Annie! Tell us more about yourself. This your boyfriend?"

"Jeff?" Annie chuckled nervously. "Oh no, he's my friend. A good friend!" she added, punching him on the arm. "He just wanted to tag along and make sure you all weren't axe murderers or something."

"So you're single then?" smiled Schmidt, leaning back and draping his arms across the top of the sofa. "As am I. What an interesting situation we find ourselves in."

"Stop being yourself, Schmidt," Winston warned, louder this time. "You're definitely scaring the nice potential roommate."

Plastering a smile on his face, Jeff leant forward in his seat. "Uh, Schmidt, is it? I'll save you the trouble right now and let you know you are definitely not Annie's type. So why don't you quit while you're ahead?"

"Jeff," Annie grumbled, "stop trying to help."

"Oh, and what would her type be, Jeffrey?" asked Schmidt with an equally false grin. "Guys with foreheads that have their own zip codes?"

"Well, guys who don't wear loafers for one," Jeff retorted, looking amused when Nick and Winston had to hold him back.

"These were in GQ magazine you uncultured swine," said Schmidt, struggling against his friends.

"Yeah, one of last year's issue maybe," sniffed Jeff.

"How about we show you the rooftop garden, Annie?" Nick loudly suggested, trying to regain focus. "There's a dead tomato plant up there and everything."

"Sure. Let me just take a quick sidebar with my friend first." Annie grabbed Jeff's arm and hauled him into the kitchen. "Will you quit it?" she said through gritted teeth. "This is the only place I've found that's decent, and the guys seem nice enough."

"Oh, and that includes Fabio over there?" said Jeff, folding his arms.

"Uh, hello, have you not met Pierce before? I've seen and heard everything, Jeff." Annie gave him her most formidable look. "Now, are you going to come with me to check out this garden or are you going to stay and puff out your chest in a 'who can be the most deranged caveman' competition?"

"Garden," Jeff sighed, dropping his gaze to the ground.

Smiling, Annie whirled around. "Let's go see this roof," she said brightly. "Do you guys get to sunbathe up there?"

"All the time," said Schmidt. "Swimwear optional of course," he winked. "And unlike the upstairs garden, I keep my own personal garden well-groomed…"

"Douchebag jar, Schmidt!" Nick and Winston groaned in unison.

PROMPT 04: Annie convinces Jeff to pretend co-host their own show to compete with 'Troy and Abed in the Morning'. Big mistake.

The Dean stood in the middle of the study room, hands on hips, flinching when remnants of pancake batter dripped onto his head from the ceiling. "I am appalled at what has transpired in here," he said, Annie, Jeff, Troy and Abed all not meeting his eyes. "But I am even more appalled that I wasn't invited to what I assume is a breakfast-themed wet t-shirt competition." He scooped some batter off the lapel of Jeff's jacket and put his finger in his mouth. "Mmm, blueberry!"

"First of all, no," said Jeff, taking a step back. "And second of all, this was entirely Troy and Abed's fault."

"Oh, no way are you pinning this on us," said Troy, picking a piece of eggshell from his eyelashes. "Me and Abed were just doing our normal adorable thing and then you two had to ruin it… like some kind of Britta party!"

"OK, calm down," said the Dean, standing between the two men. "We wouldn't want this to turn into a slippery wrestling match where shirts come flying off… muscles glistening with sweat…" He paused, lost in thought. "Do I still have that referee costume in my closet?" he murmured.

"Dean, focus!" snapped Annie. "You need to punish the boys for ruining my show!" She heard Jeff clear his throat. "Our show!"

"And what show would that be?"

Annie grinned. "Breakfasts wiiiith," she sang, "Jeff and Annnnnie!"

"Copyright Jeopardy theme song," Abed said.

"No one asked you, Abed!"

"I still don't understand," said the Dean. "Why does it look like a breakfast factory exploded in here?"

"Because Annie and Jeff invaded our turf and we all know what happens in a turf war," said Troy, his authoritative smile fading. "Actually, I kind of don't. I grew up in a really nice neighborhood. The old lady next door with one eye used to bake us fairy cakes."

"Thanks to jealousy, Annie thought she'd try and outshine our morning show by creating one of her own," Abed explained. "She roped Jeff in somehow, I'm assuming with googly eyes or one less button on her sweater."

"Abed!" said Annie.

"Two less buttons, buddy," Jeff chimed in at the same time.

"And then," Abed continued, unfazed, "they thought they'd try to one-up our cooking segment."

"Joke's on them," Troy boasted. "We barely know how to cook."

"So it ended up in a food fight?" said the Dean.

"Yes," said Abed. "I know we've already been there done that, but there's always room for sequels."

Annie felt sheepish as she combed some yolk out of her hair. "I'm sorry Dean. We got a bit carried away. I just got annoyed with the boys because they wouldn't let me back on their show." She pouted. "I had mugs made up with my face on them and everything!"

"Annie, we were just worried you'd be the scrapheap," said Troy, patting her arm. "We didn't mean to make you go extra crazy."

"The scrapheap?" said Annie.

"He means the Scrappy," replied Abed. "You know, the dog from Scooby Doo who came along and alienated everyone by upsetting the original dynamic. We respect you too much to let you be him."

Annie frowned. "… thank you?"

"We still wanna have you on to do guest spots and stuff," said Troy. "Just don't rearrange the apartment again," he murmured. "It's not fun trying to get Abed out from under the sofa. He doesn't respond to trail mix like Annie's Boobs did."

"So we're done here?" Jeff asked Annie. "Because I'd like to head home and mourn the loss of my new $200 boots."

"Yeah we're done. And I'm sorry about your shoes," said Annie. "Can I make it up to you by buying you some breakfast that doesn't have to be eaten off the floor?" she coyly grinned.

"I guess so," he said, a smile quirking the corners of his mouth. "Just no blueberry pancakes. They have been tainted for life."

They walked out of the room, Troy and Abed following them, leaving the Dean standing amidst all the mess. "Wait! You all need to clean this up! Guys?" He threw his hands up in the air. "Why do I let them keep doing this?" he groaned.

PROMPT 05: Jeff and Annie's daughter is dating Rich.

Jeff clutched his half-empty glass of whiskey while canvassing the elaborate function room. "Ice sculpture, cutlery, random ladies' stilettos, grand piano," he growled under his breath.

"Jeff," said Annie uneasily. "What are you doing?"

"Cataloguing things I can beat Rich to death with," he said, eyes flashing.

"In the middle of a welcome dinner at your daughter's college?"

"It'll be justifiable homicide. I'll represent myself."

Annie sighed and gently cupped her husband's face. "You need to calm down."

"How?" Jeff snorted. "Our daughter just informed us that she's starring in her very own episode of Dateline. So I don't see how we're supposed to be 'calm', Annie."

"Look, I don't understand Emma's rationale either, but we're not causing a scene in front of her new peers, you got me?" Annie rubbed her temples. "And it's more like a soap opera episode than anything else," she muttered.

"Seriously? That's your main problem right now?"

Annie grabbed Jeff's drink and downed the rest of it. "Damn my 'liking older men' DNA. Can you see where she is now?"

Only ten minutes prior Emma had been introducing her parents to her Literature professor when she spied someone across the room. Breaking into a grin she waved enthusiastically at a man, who waved back with vigour.

"I'll just be a sec, guys," said Emma. "The guy I've been seeing is over there and I want to introduce him to you." She quickly glided away, her long brown hair swishing across her back.

"I'm so excited!" said Annie, squeezing Jeff's arm and trying to see through the throng of people. "Emma's been so hush-hush the past few weeks about this new man I started to think she'd made him up."

"Like Roy?" Jeff teased.

Annie narrowed her eyes. "Hey, you do not get to use the story of my made-up high school boyfriend against me, mister."

"I wouldn't dream of it," he said with a smirk. "Did you ever tell Troy about the wonderful Roy?"

"Shut up."

Laughing, Jeff glanced in the direction his daughter had gone and immediately felt like he'd been slapped in the face. "I'm going to kill him," he snarled.

"Who? Troy or Roy? Because either scenario is ridiculous."

"No. Him." Jeff pointed to where their daughter was currently standing, holding an animated conversation with the overly-toothy but still slick-looking Rich.

Annie's mouth dropped open. "I think I finally understand all those times Abed had a meltdown," she whispered.

"What is this guy playing at?" said Jeff, running his hand through his hair. "He thought you were too young to date all those years ago, now he's suddenly a gigolo?"

"Well we're going to find out soon enough," said Annie, wringing her hands. "They're headed this way."

Jeff kept shaking his head incredulously. "But he's ancient. She may as well be dating a floating head in a jar."

"Mom, dad," said Emma, suddenly appearing in front of them. "I'd like to introduce you to my boyfriend, Rich."

Rich's eyes lit up with recognition just as a younger, blond man walked around him to shake Jeff and Annie's hands. "Mr and Mrs Winger," the young man said. "It's great to finally meet you."

Jeff limply shook the guy's hand. "Wait, what?"

"Dad, turn your hearing aids up," Emma teased. "This is Rich. My boyfriend."

"But that's Rich," said Annie, pointing at her old crush.

"Annie! Jeff!" the older man beamed. "So great to see you again after all these years." He enveloped Annie in a hug then went to do the same with Jeff, who ended up engaging in an awkward half-hug half-handshake instead. "Gosh, you two look great. You're wearing that grey hair like a distinguished gorilla, Jeff."

Jeff's whole face contorted into a storm cloud. "And you're wearing that tanned skin like a leather briefcase."

Rich chuckled. "Oh Jeff, still got that sense of humor kicking." He gestured towards the young man. "This is my son, Rich Jr. He's a chip off the old block."

"God I hope not," Jeff exhaled.

Emma glanced at her parents. "This is so cool. How do you guys know each other?"

"That is a long, long story that involves more wine," said Annie quickly, looping her arm through her daughter's. "Come on you two, I want to get to know Rich Jr a little better."

Jeff gave Rich a strained smile as Annie and the teenagers headed for their table. "Nice cufflinks," said Jeff, reaching for some form of conversation.

"Thank you! I carved them myself out of recycled wood from my grandmother's rocking chair."

"… of course you did." Jeff wandered off towards the bar. "Drink?"

"Oh no thanks."

"Good. I'm going to need the whole supply."

PROMPT 06: Jeff watches Annie sleep.

Jeff rolled his neck from side to side in an attempt to work out the kinks that had embedded themselves over the course of the night. It was almost 4am and he and Annie still didn't have sufficient evidence to use against Todd in the mock trial. They'd been sitting in the study room for hours, the smell of leftover Chinese food and stale coffee lingering in the air. Jeff couldn't help smiling to himself – it felt like the all-nighters he used to pull at his law firm. Revisiting this part of his life was interesting if nothing else, especially since Annie was proving herself to be an adept (and dare he say it, somewhat ruthless) student.

"Found anything useful in those documents?" he asked, stifling a yawn. "And before you suggest it again, we can't bring up last year's Bio incident and paint Todd as a turtle arsonist." Getting no response, Jeff turned to his right. "Annie?"

But Annie was curled up in her chair; hugging a notebook to her chest, fast asleep. Jeff instantly thought about waking her – it wasn't fair only one of them doing the work – but he knew if the tables were turned Annie would probably let him doze. Unless of course she had a breakthrough, then she'd repeatedly smack his shoulder and start yammering about making the 'canary sing for his supper'. She'd been watching too many old-fashioned crime shows with Abed and Troy lately.

Jeff didn't have anything of value to share, though, and besides, she looked far too peaceful to disturb. He reached over to try and extract the notebook from Annie's hands, but she let out a low growling sound and clung tighter to the book. Jeff quickly recoiled. OK, so she's half grizzly bear, good to know. His eyes briefly fell across his jacket, draped elegantly on the back of a spare chair, and pondered doing the gentlemanly thing for probably the second time in his life. Cons, Jeff thought, Annie appears to be a twitcher, and chances of rumpling are high. Pros, no chance of food or drink being spilt while she's unconscious. He scratched the back of his neck. Cons, sleep drool. Pros, he sighed, this will prove you're not a complete jackass whose theme song should be 'You're So Vain'.

Standing, Jeff picked up his jacket and carefully laid it over Annie's body. Still asleep, Annie nuzzled her face into the collar (don't flinch, don't flinch), her hair falling messily down her cheek. Jeff felt himself smile. Well, since we're going with rom-com moments... He softly brushed Annie's hair aside with his thumb, tucking it behind her ear. Her eyes fluttered open, taking in his close proximity.

"Jeff?"

"Hmm?"

"Jeff?"

With a jolt, Jeff woke from his slumber, thanks to someone hitting him in quick succession on the shoulder. "I'm awake," he said groggily. "Did you find something?"

"No," said Annie. "Poor Pam. This whole sham is such a yam scam."

"Sam I am?" He smiled when she rolled her eyes. "Then what'd you wake me up for? I thought cat naps were allowed."

"You were acting really weird in your sleep," said Annie. "First you were still, just snoring a bit."

"I don't snore."

"So your nose just randomly plays music?"

"… yes."

"Because that's not a whole bunch weirder. Anyway," she continued, "you were snoring and then you started to reach your hand out and, kinda, caress the air?" Jeff shot a dirty look at his traitor arm. "What were you dreaming about?" she playfully asked, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"Never you mind." Jeff said. "Wait a minute," he smirked. "Does that mean you were watching me sleep? What a stalker," he teased.

Annie threw a crumpled up sheet of paper at his head. "In your dreams, Jeff."

PROMPT 07: Jeff and Annie argue over which movie to rent at the DVD store.

"How about 'Love Actually'?"

"We have a Hugh Grant embargo," said Jeff. "Or have you conveniently forgotten?"

"Seriously, what is your problem with him?" said Annie.

"Besides his whole existence?"

"Ugh, you've got your 'I'm going to lawyer you' voice, forget it."

Jeff smirked. "What about an action movie?"

"Maybe. Nothing with Bruce Willis, though." Annie paused. "Or anything with more explosions than plot."

"So just to be clear, you've basically cancelled out every action movie ever made in the history of time?"

"We could watch a musical?" teased Annie.

"Great idea," said Jeff. "Then after that we could give Pierce a call and ask him to run us through every time he caught a STD, because our ears would have bled out by then and the will to live won't matter."

"A simple 'no' would have done it, drama queen."

"Have you checked Abed's Twitter feed lately?" asked Jeff. "There are usually a few good recommendations in amongst the Kickpunchers and Inspector Spacetimes."

"Says the man who shed a tear with me when the Tenth Inspector and Constable Lilly found one other in the reunion movie."

Jeff scoffed. "Uh, no, my eye was watering because you threw popcorn at it."

"Sure it was," Annie laughed. "I think Abed may have mentioned something about the latest Tim Burton film."

"Let me guess. It's called 'Johnny Depp wears a funny costume and does something wacky'?"

"Pretty much. How about a horror movie?"

"Pass."

"Wimp."

"Hey, at least I own it." Jeff picked up a case. "Here's a family friendly title: Cookie and Candy go to Treasure Town. Good wholesome fun."

"… put the porn back where you found it, Jeff."

He grinned. "Familiar with it, are we?"

"You walk through Dildopolis to get to your old apartment, you learn a few unwanted things." Annie sighed and shifted the phone to her other ear. "Just hurry up and come home so we can actually have some alone time."

"Relax, Shirley's baby-sitting for a few good hours yet."

"Yeah, and then after that we're going to have a very hyped-up toddler on our hands because you know she's going to feed him way too many brownies."

Jeff winced. "You win. Alright, I'm just going to grab whatever and hope for the best, but this is on you if Cookie and Candy accidentally travel home with me."

"Well if you hurry up we might have time to go to Treasure Town too," she teased before hearing a loud commotion, followed by crying on the other end of the line. "Jeff? You OK?"

"… I just tripped over three kids on the way out the store see you in ten, bye."

PROMPT 08: The Greendale Seven must compete with the Happy Endings group in some sort of competition.

"I said more pickles, dammit!" yelled Pierce, slamming a jar down in front of Troy. "These are gherkins you pickle-headed fool!"

"We've been here for a million years," Troy cried, drawing in ragged breaths. "None of the jars are labelled! I don't understand what's going on anymore!"

"Oh man, we've got a bleeder," said Britta, holding a napkin under Troy's nose. "Don't drip on the baggles or else we'll be disqualified."

"The only thing we'll be disqualified for is calling them 'baggles'," said Jeff, unwrapping more cheese.

Annie eyed the leader board. "We're still neck and neck with that other loud group over there. We need to keep focused or we're not going to win."

"There's still my idea we could use," said Abed, chopping up lettuce.

"Abed," said Jeff, "firstly, it's not your idea, it's the plot to Ratatouille. And secondly, I think rodents are up there with nosebleeds in the disqualification stakes."

Shirley wiped her hands on her apron. "Guys? I just want to say that whatever happens, whether we make the most amount of sandwiches in two hours or not, I really appreciate you all helping Pierce and I out."

Annie squeezed her shoulder. "We're going to win the five thousand dollars for your sandwich business. We promise."

"Quack! Quack! Quack!" said Abed, pumping his fist in the air. "Mighty Ducks inspiration speech," he explained to his confused friends. "Just roll with it." They all shrugged and began quacking along with him.

"Look at me now, dad!" Pierce shouted. "Who needs your damn inheritance?"

Penny chomped on a carrot while she watched the Greendale group from Dave's sandwich station. "Aww man, now they're going all Mighty Ducks on our asses. They're officially beating us at movie references."

"Yeah, well, if everyone had've gone along with my rat idea we'd totally be winning at references and we'd have an excuse to go shopping for a tiny chef's hat," said Alex.

"Both of you, less sputterin' more butterin'," snapped Jane, pointing at them with a knife. "We are in this competition to murder everyone not have a tea party."

"Actually," said Dave, "we're in this to earn me some more money for the sandwich van so I still have a job." He shrank when Jane glared at him. "But yeah, sure, murder away. Who needs a job when we're all headed for jail?"

"Serious question, people: does this apron make my butt look fat?" asked Brad, jutting his hips out. "I'm just gonna put it out there – one size does not fit all."

"Tell me about it, my buns are huge," said Max, holding some bread up to his backside. "Get it? Cause I'm using literal buns on my own buns?" He sighed. "I'm bored, is this blood drive over yet?"

Dave frowned. "Max, this isn't a blood drive."

"… I need to find two plastic cups very quickly for no reason," said Max, running towards the judge's booth.

"Alex we need more pickles," ordered Jane. "Step on it."

"Got it." Alex sprinted to the shelf of ingredients, nearly colliding with Troy on the way. "Sorry. Oh hey, you're from the duck group aren't you? Nice quacking!"

"Thanks," Troy smiled. "And you're from the group where the scary blond lady stabs the air with a knife a lot. That's pretty… cool," he said awkwardly.

"Yeah my sister's a bit intense. I'm Alex by the way," she said, holding out her hand.

"Troy. Hey can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"What the hell is the difference between pickles and gherkins? Because if I come back with the wrong thing again that old guy might have a heart attack, and I'm not giving him mouth-to-mouth."

Alex stared at the shelf. "I don't actually know. Why isn't anything labelled?"

"Duh-doy, right?"

Alex picked up a jar. "OK, so, this one must be pickle because pickle starts with 'P' and this looks like pee-colored water inside."

"That makes a lot of sense," said Troy seriously. "You're pretty smart."

"Thanks," she beamed, tossing her hair over her shoulder. "I get that a lot."

"No you don't," Max called out as he raced past with two cups.

"Ignore him," said Alex, "he's the crazy homeless guy from around the corner."

Before too long the competition was over. The 'Greendale Gang' and 'Dave's Team' were in the top tier and waited in anticipation for the results. The main judge, wearing a giant hat in the shape of a hoagie, took to the stage.

"I won't roll this out any longer," he snickered heartily. "No need to sandwich in any puns to butter you up."

"YOU SUCK!" yelled Max.

"Ahem. Right. Let's proceed shall we?" The judge looked at the card in his hand. "The winner of the Super Sandwich Spectacular for 2012 and five thousand dollar cheque is…. 'Sue's Salad 'N' Sandwich Shop' from Pawnee, Indiana!"