As adults will grow and maturity shows
All the terrifying rarity of truth,
As you turn to your mind,
And your thoughts they rewind
To old happenings and things that are done,
You can't find what's passed,
Make that happiness last,
Seeing from those eyes what you've become,
What you've become.
- Haunt, Bastille
9th January 1999.
It's dark outside the restaurant - cold too, but she doesn't notice.
No; her eyes are on the window and the two people sitting, laughing, in the warm.
Her husband and her daughter - her family.
This is what she lives for - these moments where she can just be happy, without any stresses pressing down on her shoulders.
Johanna Beckett smiles and pushes the door open.
She is happy.
She's never to know this was the night she should've died.
(The restaurant is beautiful and the night is perfect and she doesn't die)
...
18th November 2012
Kate Beckett loves sunsets.
Always has.
But sunsets from planes, she has discovered, are particularly wonderful.
Her eyes fall for a moment from the small window to the paperwork sitting on the fold out table in front of her and beside her, her father laughs.
"Katie, relax," he says, "you're still on holiday for a few hours at least."
She laughs too and glances over her shoulder at her parents.
Their on their way back from Aunt Theresa's third wedding and Kate wouldn't really call that a holiday.
Her mother smiles at her and Kate turns back to the sunset.
For a moment Kate feels a little jealous.
It's stupid - irrational even.
But she'd give anything to have the type of love her parents have.
Still have, even after so many years of marriage.
Kate knows her mother wants her to settle down - have a family - but Kate's always just that little bit too busy for a life.
Johanna thinks that one day it'll happen.
Kate's not so sure.
(Because Johanna didn't die she got to see her daughter grow up)
...
She's cold - Kate's been out of the airport for nearly half an hour and the street is dark.
She's heading for her office on 52nd and Lex to pick up her mail.
Her mom had laughed at that.
"Oh Kate, that can wait till tomorrow surely?"
But she had gone, walking down the November street, calling a goodbye and a promise to call at some point.
They think she's lonely.
They're not that wrong, if Kate thinks about it.
But getting depressed about it at eleven o'clock at night while walking through Manhattan is not the thing to do.
So she keeps going, turning the corner and taking a deep breath. Being lonely, however, isn't quite as bad as her parents think it is.
Her eyes fall to her office door and it's then she sees him. He's standing by the door she's supposed to be heading for and Kate has no clue as to why he's there.
He doesn't notice her, not for a second, but when he does his attention falls to her.
What the hell?
"Katharine Beckett?" he asks, "I'm Richard Castle."
He offers his hand and she takes it. "I heard you were a damn good lawyer."
(Because her mom got to see her grow up, she never became cop and never met him)
...
He wants a divorce.
That's why he finds her.
Katharine Beckett - criminal lawyer by day, kick-ass divorce lawyer by night.
Castle knows that there's not many people who are qualified in two types of law.
He guessing that there's a story behind that.
But then again, there's a story behind most things - him for example. He was lonely. That was why he married Paula Haas. Even his mother said it was never going to end well.
He didn't listen to her but in hindsight maybe he should've.
But he was lonely, wasn't he?
He's not heartbroken, not like he should have been when he found out his wife was having it off with another man. It doesn't even hurt as much as when he found Meredith in bed with her director and that was nothing.
He just wants it over.
That's why he's sitting outside her offices on a random November evening.
He just wants it over.
(Because she never met him, he thought marrying his agent was the best idea he'd ever had)
...
She ushers him to a coffee shop round the corner. It's started snowing and her hands are too cold to struggle with the keys and get in to the office.
It's warm there, too, and the coffee's good. It's there that Richard Castle tells her he wants her help to get a divorce.
She nods, but doesn't say anything to start with - she doesn't do divorce - not really. She's a criminal lawyer. She deals with crime. Not divorce, not much.
Not since she finalised her own divorce. He's not to know that, Castle, is he?
Kate tries to explain this over steaming coffee and bear claws.
He just tells her that there's a story behind that.
He theorise that once upon a time she was married - and to him she looks like a one and done type of girl - so to her this was her chance. Her chance at married life.
She nearly laughs in pause he leaves before speaking again. Castle is closer to the truth that he could ever know. He goes on to tell her that he doesn't think she loved her husband - not enough - and she just stares and feels like asking him how the hell he knows.
But then again, she never told anyone that.
She's surprised he can read her so well when all her friends complain she has ten foot high walls surrounding her private life.
Not to him - she assumes.
She tells him then, quietly - before he can continue to exploring her back story - that she qualified in family law, in divorce law, so she could leave her husband without too much hurt.
He tells a joke, she laughs.
"My daughter always used to say that I was good at inventing random peoples histories."
Kate doesn't ask about the use of past tense.
(Because Castle thought marrying his agent was the best idea he'd ever had, Alexis doesn't talk to him much anymore)
...
Kate orders another coffee and they keep talking. Castle tells her all the details any good divorce lawyer would need. He has practice in these things - this will be his third after all.
He tries not to think about how lonely that makes him.
As he talks she looks at him - wonders what it is about him that makes him so good at reading people. He was so damn close after all - to what had drawn her to specialise in that second kind of law.
She hates her mother sometimes - just a little - because it was Johanna who told her that marrying drunk at a drive through chapel in Vegas was actually legally binding. She was a one and done kind of girl - that's what Castle said - and it was true.
So she had tried, so hard, to make it work.
Such a shame Rogan hadn't felt quite the same.
Sometimes she wishes her mother hadn't said anything and she could've just thought it meant nothing for the rest of her life.
She doesn't tell Castle that, no, but they talk.
He tells her, after the third coffee, that he doesn't talk much to anyone anymore and it's nice.
He tells a joke.
She laughs.
(Because Alexis doesn't talk to him much anymore, he and Kate talk 'till gone two in the morning.)
...
She knows who he is.
Of course she does.
Her mother loves Richard Castle.
Johanna Beckett has read all his books.
She mentions it in passing - and he just nods.
He's not arrogant about it, no, he just keeps talking - asking about some of the cases she's handled. Castle thinks she'd be a good muse. He could fill so many books with her stories and he's only known her a few hours.
But it doesn't matter - he's still got a book series on the go.
Strike and Payne
Based off Ryan and Esposito - his friends from the 12th, his cop buddies who let him tag along. They're best sellers - Strike and Payne - Lightning Strike and Sharp Payne and all the assorted others have sold millions of copies between them. But with her. With her it would be different. He's not sure how but it would.
It would be different.
He doesn't tell her this - she'd probably find it a little creepy anyway - so instead they talk about which coffee's they like and what type of pizza is there favourite. Neither are quite sure how they got there from talk of divorce.
Kate puts it down to tiredness - to being sleep deprived - but she's never been this open with a stranger before. Not since before Rogan and she was married to him for a long time.
When she finally leaves she realises her keys are still with her mother and she feels like an idiot.
Castle just says that anyone could do it and it makes her smile. They trade numbers on the back of business cards and she promises to call with an appointment time.
Kate's nearly out the door when he offers her his spare room - it's only him and his mother and the house is so big.
But she declines.
She's still smiling when she re-emerges into the cold Manhattan night, though.
She hails a cab and gives her parents address and she's at their house in fifteen minutes.
(Because they talked 'till two in the morning, she feels like a guilty teenager when her mom opens the door and hands her her keys.)
...
She stays at her parent's house that night.
She's tired and cold and they have a bed.
Her bed.
Her mom asks where she's been and she says she had a meeting with a client.
Because she has, hasn't she? That's what Castle is to her.
Her mom laughs because she knows better than most that you don't have appointments with clients at midnight.
But apparently for Kate, she does - and no matter what she says to her mom she can't make her believe her.
Despite being so tired, sleep won't come for her.
She lies there and listens to all the familiar sounds of her childhood being replayed; the creaking of the pipes, the sound of the stairs when someone tries to sneak up them, the water pattering down in the shower - her parent's talking in their bedroom when they think she can't hear.
"It wasn't a boy," her father says.
"Oh, Jim, of course it was," her mother replies.
"Why don't you believe her?" Kate's wondering the same thing - because it wasn't a 'boy' as her mother put it. It was just work.
Wasn't it?
"You didn't see her eyes, did you?"
Her eyes? What did her eyes betray?
It's a question she's still asking when sleep finally finds her at three o'clock.
(Because she feels like a guilty teenager when her mom opens the door, Kate sneaks out before her parents are up)
...
She doesn't want the questions - that's what she'll say.
She makes it to her office in double quick time – turning on the heater as soon as she gets there because it's freezing.
Kate shouldn't even be there – at the office - she's supposed to be having a day off but there's work to be done and she has next to no personal life so why not put her time to good use?
Kate flicks through her emails once her computer has booted up and finds nothing pressing, nothing she has to complete immediately.
So she gets Castle's number from the back of his card and puts in on the table next to her appointment book.
Then she calls him.
Kate forgets is only ten to seven in the morning and that he's probably asleep.
She's only had three and a half hours sleep anyway – most people couldn't function at all.
But, much to her surprise, he picks up.
And he sounds just as tired as she feels.
"Hello? Richard Castle speaking?"
"Hi."
Hi? Where had that come from?
"It's Katherine Beckett, we spoke last night?"
"My memory's not that bad. Of course I remember," he says "You're kind of hard to forget."
She changes the topic after that, guiding the conversation towards appointments and price and whether he's really ready for a divorce. The answer's an emphatic 'yes'so Kate knows he's sure. They talk for a bit longer – until her cell rings and Kate realises that her mom's trying to get through to her.
She tells Castle she has to go – and seeing as they've just arranged his appointments for the foreseeable future there shouldn't be anything else to talk about.
Yet – yet they both feel like there's more to say.
But it's alright, he thinks, his first appointment is set for that morning.
Kate rings off and picks up the cell accepting the call and listening to her mother on the other end of the line.
(Because she snuck out before her parents were up, her mother decides that she's done something stupid like sleep with a married man)
...
Her mother turns up at the office twenty minutes later.
"You can tell me anything, Katie," she says and Kate gets the feeling her mom thinks she's done something terrible.
But she hasn't, has she?
No.
She hasn't.
For some ridiculous reason her mom thinks she's slept with a man whose already taken and for a moment that makes Kate laugh.
Like she has a sex life - like she has a life at all.
But her mom is actually quite worried so she tells her not to - she's not done anything like that.
Nothing like that at all.
And then Kate tells her about Rick and the coffee shop and the fact he wants a divorce.
Her mother just stares.
"Richard Castle, as in the author?" Kate nods in reply to her mothers words.
Neither of them can quite believe it.
(Because her mother thought she was sleeping with a married man, the first thing Castle hears when he arrives for his appointment is Johanna Beckett asking her daughter if she's sleeping with him)
...
Castle's her first session of the day – he's her only appointment because she's not supposed to be working.
Her mother sits with her for a bit, quizzing her about her late night coffee shop meeting.
To Kate, Johanna still sounds slightly worried – like she not quite let go of the theory that her daughter has slept with an inappropriate man.
Which is why, ten minutes before Rick's appointment, she asks Kate point blank if she having sex with him.
She can't say anything – the words won't come.
Sex? With him? Kate's known him all of a couple hours and her mom thinks she's doing that?
To make matters worse that's when the knock at the door comes.
He's early.
Oh.
And by the look on his face when she opens the door he heard what her mom said.
Oh.
Kate is thankful that he doesn't make a joke because she's not sure she could take the embarrassment.
God. Not with her mom in the room.
Johanna makes a quick escape and Castle takes her seat.
Neither say anything for a second, just revelling in the quiet.
"So, Mr Castle," she starts.
They get some stuff out of the way, primarily a written record of why he wants the divorce. Why he just wants it over.
Kate brings up the choice that he'll have to make at some point; fault or no fault but given the circumstances - the fact his wife is having an affair and his fame and wealth - Kate thinks that it'd have to be fault. Castle understands – Paula could walk away with a good chunk of his money if he goes no fault but the idea of going to court, of settling it that way brings back too many bad memories.
It cost him so much divorcing Gina and Meredith,well, his divorce from Meredith wasn't pretty to say the least, on count of Alexis. And with no fault it could all be done with so much quicker.
But he doesn't have to make the choice right now, does he?
He tells Kate this and she agrees – he can have time.
They talk for a little longer, about nothing in particular.
He tells a joke.
She laughs.
He leaves.
(Because Castle heard Johanna asking Kate if she was sleeping with him, he asks her about it when she comes out of her office ten minutes after him)
...
Kate stares at him.
Their standing on the curb outside the office – and, she realise, he must have been waiting for her.
How the hell did he know she was leaving?
And why ask about that – surely he knew she wouldn't want to talk about it? Who would?
He asks again and she turns away. His tone is jokey and it just annoys her.
She tries to hail a cab but it just keeps on driving.
It makes her even more frustrated and she sighs.
Castle laughs a little and for a moment she thinks she might punch him.
"For god's sake…." she starts.
"Why'd she think you were screwing me?"
Wow, annoying and blunt.
"Why the hell do you care?" she snaps, looking up to sky and deciding that it's about to tip it with rain.
"Just wondering." Can't he just shut up! If they stay here any longer they'll both get soaked to the bone because it's going to rain.
"Well, can't you just wonder somewhere else?"
Her eyes are still on the road but she's acutely aware of his – they haven't left her since she came out the building.
Then it starts raining and she glances over at him. He doesn't seem worried about the fact that the heavens are opening.
She tires to get another cab to stop but to no avail.
Oh, everyone hates her today don't they.
Kate casts her eyes down for a second but looks up when another taxi speeds round the corner.
It doesn't stop.
Oh, they do.
"I've got a car," Castle starts and Kate turns to face him.
"Then why are you standing here in the rain? You left it at the playboy mansion or something?" Oh, she's so pissed right now.
"No," he says and Kate can tell she's not going to like where he's going with this. "But watching you trying to hail a cab is hilarious."
She doesn't say anything to that. Kate hopes he'll just disappear off to wherever he has left his car and just leave her in peace.
She can't quite believe it's the same man she was in the coffee shop with in the early hours.
He just seems so different. Less jaded, less hurt. Maybe her sleep deprived brain made him seem more like her than he seems now.
"Do you want a lift?" Maybe there is some hope. But then again, isn't that crossing a line? Professional lawyers do not get lifts with there clients even if it is raining.
But then again, it wasn't exactly professional to chat with said client until two in morning in a coffee shop, was it?
Kate decides not to think about it too much.
So she says yes.
He drops her off at her mother's house because she really needs to set something straight with that woman.
Oh, and she's not sure she wants Castle to know where she lives.
Yet at least.
Oh, that thought did not just leave her head.
Did it?
(Because he asks her why her mom thinks they're sleeping together, her mom gives her that look when she turns up soaking wet after getting out his car)
...
Now her mom really thinks she's sleeping with him. Kate sets her right about that. About the fact there definitely not doing that. He's annoying and childish and so very smug about it. Oh, and he's a client.
Her mother laughs a little but Kate thinks she does believe her – maybe.
Her dad does, that's for sure.
Her mom thinks the girl doth protest to much but doesn't say anything.
Because it's a joke – all of it, really – if Kate was actually sleeping with him she could lose her mom knows that. That's why it's a joke.
She doesn't see Rick for a couple of weeks, not until his next appointment.
They talk about the best way to proceed; does he want to give Paula the papers or post them. Given that they still live together Kate's not surprised when he goes for the former. Then they talk about how he should tell her. It's not nice –it never is.
Then the appointment's over and Kate goes home.
Her apartment is cold and lonely and so not like home.
Not like the one where she grew up – the one where her mom and dad live.
But it does what it's supposed to and Kate's okay with that.
She and Castle have four more appointments in the next three and a half months.
Somehow she's managed to schedule his appointment last on a Friday every time.
They go to a coffee shop after the second session runs over and talk. How they get on to wedding days is a mystery to her but Castle ends up painstakingly tells her the horrors that were his. It was all pink for Meredith. Very high society for Gina and his wedding to Paula was almost like a publicity stunt.
She laughs at his description and he presses her to talk about her day.
Her wedding.
She laughs before she even starts and that makes him curious. Then she tells him about getting drunk and marrying at a drive through chapel.
In Vegas.
He laughs and while, when it happened she had though it was the worst wedding story ever, it was very funny in hindsight. They don't talk until quite as late this time – Castle's got to go because Paula's coming home and he doesn't want to explain why he was out with a random woman until one in the morning.
Not that Kate's a random woman – well, to Paula she is and he has no desire to have that conversation.
#She sits for a bit after he's gone and wonders why there doing this because of they carry on it'll only end one way and it won't be pretty. She finds his phone, on the floor by were he was sitting and realises he forgot it. She goes back to the office as it approaches two and looks up his address.
Then she takes the Metro over there.
Kate knows Paula will be there in the morning so she wants to return the cell before she gets back. She's not overly sure Castle's told her about the divorce yet and she does not want to be there when he does.
It takes her half an hour and it's raining but it's what friends do right?
When did they become friends though?
Kate knocks on the door after re checking the address so she's sure.
She's at the right apartment.
But when the door opens a middle aged red head is there and behind her, sitting on he sofa is a teenage girl.
They look awake – what kind of people are usually awake at three o'clock on a Saturday morning?
"Hello?" the older red head asks.
"Does Richard Castle live here?" Kate replies, fully expecting to be told that no, no he doesn't.
But instead the woman takes a step to the side and widens the door way, allowing her in.
"And you might be?"
"Kate Beckett. I'm, uh..." She thinks it's his mother and his kid – these people in his living room but Kate has no idea if they've been informed about the divorce. "I'm his friend."
"I'm Martha," the older one states. "and I know you're his divorce lawyer if that's what you're worried about."
Kate just stares open mouthed at her as the younger one – Alexis, isn't it – starts to speak. "Why else do you think were up at three in the morning – he was telling us about it – the fact he's ditching the bitch."
Oh, yeah, the daughter didn't get on well with the wife, did she? "But now we've told you why were here and awake," Martha says, "what brings you here at this time of the morning?"
Kate puts her hand into her jacket pocket and retrieves the phone, gesturing with it as if it's enough reason to be at his house at this ridiculous hour. "He left his phone." At the coffee shop, she nearly says, but that sounds to much like they were on a date – which they certainly weren't.
Martha nods as the door behind her opens at Rick walks out.
Wait, when did she start thinking of him as Rick?
"Beckett?"
"Hey." He's staring at her like he's seen a ghost and she's not overly sure why.
"What are you doing here? Not that I mind or anything but you don't seem the type of person to be roaming the streets like a stalker at three in the morning."
She gives him the look – a glare that sends most people running but he just laughs. "You left your phone."
"Oh, so you're not a stalker?"
Martha laughs at that as Kate hands over the phone.
She shouldn't stay but when Martha offers her a glass of wine she seems powerless to refuse.
Kate only stays for the one glass.
Then she goes.
The next time she sees him is for his next appointment and by the end of the fourth one he's ready. Ready for his marriage to end. It's taken a while but Rick wanted everything to be researched, legitimised, so he can't get blindsided by something he hasn't seen coming.
It makes Kate laugh a little, his determination. She has to admit that he's not too , he can be. But he's not most of the time. Kate's alright with that.
"So, you okay with that Castle?"
They've taken to calling each other by their last names – Castle and Beckett- because according to him it makes it a little less formal and makes her sound vaguely less like a teacher.
He says it's a cop thing.
Kate looks down to her desk for a moment, her eyes scanning it. She's looking for a document he has to read before he finally tells Paula.
"Yeah." He replies "Yeah. Sounds good."
Kate continues looking for the information but it dawns on her - she's probably left it at her apartment.
Oh.
She tells Castle this and he bursts out laughing before offering her a lift. He knows that she walks to the office most days and if not she takes the Metro.
And he needs to read the document, so she yes.
Together they get to his car – the same one she's seen before – and get in.
"You seem like the kind of guy who'd have a driver," she says, getting in to the passenger seat.
He laughs. It makes her smile a little.
"It's his day off."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Does he have every day off?"
He laughs again and starts the engine. They drive for a bit in silence but neither like it much.
"So how's Alexis?"
"She's good. We're talking more now."
Kate nods and the realises that she hasn't given Castle her address.
"You have no idea where we're going do you?" She asks, laughing a little.
"Well, no, but I'm guessing."
"Where would you guess then Castle?" He shrugs, indicating and coming to a halt at a set of traffic lights. He looks over at her before replying.
"I could go to your parents house?" ge starts "because I haven't go a clue about we're you live."
"And you say you work with detectives everyday?"
The lights change and Castle turns his attention back to the road. Kate tells him her address and he corrects their trajectory accordingly. They've been like this recently, laughing and joking together and Kate has to admit that it's nice. She's allowed to think that, isn't she?
When they to her apartment her dad's standing by the door.
(Because her mom gives her that look, Kate's been avoiding her parents but her dad seems to want to talk to her)
...
She turns slightly to say something apologetic to Castle but before she can get anything out her dad speaks.
"Katie," he says and and she thinks he sounds worried.
Why would he be worried? It's not like she's cut all contact or anything – she still phoned everyday. Yeah, she might not've seen then for a while but it's not enough to get her parents worried, is it?
"Katie," her dad says again and she realises that it's not worry in his voice but warning.
What the hell?
Behind her Castle takes a step forward. Kate thinks he's about to say something but then Jim speaks again.
"Your neighbour phoned, said he'd been here for a few hours…"
"He?"
But before her dad can reply she sees who he's talking about.
"Kitkat!" Oh god he's drunk. Her ex-husband is standing outside her apartment completely off his head with alcohol.
Rogan O'Leary.
Oh.
"Hey baby," he slurs, taking a step towards her. "Where were you? I couldn't get in!" She hates him when he gets like this and she's not particularly fond of him the rest of the time anymore. Not since the divorce. When he's like this though, sometimes, he forgets that ever happens. Kate guesses this is once of those times.
"Rogan," she starts "we're over remember?"
He just takes another drunken step. Her dad, and surprisingly Castle, both take protective step in return.
"Katie, come on. Just let me in," she shakes her head and attempts to walk passed him.
Jim goes to follow but Kate gives him a look that tells him to make sure her ex doesn't do anything too stupid. He silently agrees and let's her go. She stumbles a little on the step up to the door and Rogan speaks behind her.
"You've got…" He starts seriously – well about as serious as a drunk man can get but still, it makes her turn. However Rogan seems to forget what his point was before remembering and continuing. " you've got to be careful Kitkat."
Kate has no idea why she has to be careful but Rogan starts towards her. He stops in front of her and gestures as he speaks. "You've got to be careful," he repeats in the same serious tone. "You've got a baby in there."
She stares at him, feeling tears well in her eyes.
(Because her dad wanted to talk to her, he hears Rogan talk about the baby)
...
"You're pregnant?"
Not anymore.
It's her dad speaking but by the look on his face, Castle seems like he wants to ask the same thing.
"No" It's all she can say. "No."
Rogan looks at her like she's lying and she really doesn't want to have this conversation.
"Rogan, don't you remember? I lost the baby," she says and for a moment she can't breathe. "Don't you remember?"
It was years ago now, but if Rogan still thinks they're together then he's living in that time period in this drunken haze. She was pregnant – God and she had been so scared. But she had lost the baby and it had hurt. But she had got over it. She doesn't need it brought back up. Not all this time later.
"Katie…" Rogan says, and this time his tone is mock-warning. "We can do this….work this out"
"No."
"Please?"
"Rogan, I can't do this,.
"You can Kate, you're strong." He regards her for a moment, Rogan, and then takes a fumbling step towards her. "I love…" he starts but she interrupts before he can get any further.
"I think you should go."
"Kitkat…"
"Please."
He doesn't attempt to talk again, much to Kate's pleasure. He just stands for a second. Then he nods as coordinately as a drunk person can and starts backwards. He aims for the lift but seems to forget you have to press a button to make it appear. Castle does it for him and a second later Rogan's climbing in. He goes to stay something but the doors slide closer and he disappears.
They all just stare for a moment.
"Katie?" her dad asks but Kate just turns and unlocks her apartment door.
She enters and goes straight to her coffee table- finding the papers meant for Castle.
She stands there for a while.
She's not going to cry.
No.
She's over it.
"Katie?" Dad again.
"Just go home dad. I'll call yeah?"
"Kate," he says - he's trying to protest – trying to get her to talk about it.
She's not ready for that.
"Go dad, please. We'll talk about it – you me and mom if you want but please not now." She pauses before adding "Okay?"
Her dad agrees and she hears him leave.
That's a bit better, she thinks.
When she gets outside Castle is sitting on her front step.
She hands him the paper and he puts his hand on hers. Just for a second but he does.
She goes to speak but he gets there first.
"You okay?"
She nods to start with the tears threaten once again.
She shakes her head and he hugs her.
He hugs her.
"Shush, it's okay. It's okay."
She shakes her head against him and he kisses her hair.
She lets him into her house.
He sits on her sofa.
He holds her until she's stopped crying.
And then she tells him.
And she's never told anyone before – not about how, after nine years of marriage to Rogan she has found out she was having a baby. And how it had scared the hell out of her.
She pauses then, to look at him – and she sees his eyes, ever constant on her as she speaks and they way he looks like he wants to hold her forever.
She tries not to think about that.
Kate goes on to talk about how she'd told her husband and he had sounded indifferent to it. How that really hasn't helped with the nerves. Then she tells him how she lost he baby one cold winter's day. How it nearly killed her – both literally and metaphorically.
She never told anyone – her parents had been on holiday in Italy and in her daily phone call she had just pretended nothing had happened.
They hadn't even known she was pregnant in the first place.
He hugs her once she's finished speaking. Pulling her tight to him and whispering to her that's it's alright – that he has her now. Kate has no idea when there relationship changed from that of a lawyer and client but she has a suspicion that it was that first night in the coffee shop.
Oh well.
But then again this – him being here holding her- is crossing a lot of lines.
It is not professional in the slightest.
Castle puts a hand under her chin, making her look at him.
Then she kisses him.
Oh stupid, stupid Kate. She could lose her job, her licence. Everything.
He kisses her back.
(Because Rogan talks about the baby, Castle and she sleep together on her single bed and she realises that she's crossed a million lines she can't go back on)
...
She wakes in the dark and he's still there, by her side.
Castle's already awake and he puts his hand on hers.
He pulls her closer and her eyes shut for a second.
Kate feels like she could stay here forever.
But she can't, no, she's already crossed too many lines tonight.
Far too many.
She starts to sit and can still feel his touch on her arm.
But he lets her go.
Kate dresses in silence, trying to concentrate on the task at hand instead of what she's just left behind.
Or what she's done.
Oh the stupid, stupid thing she's done.
Rick sits up in the darkness but he doesn't say anything.
She turns to look at him before she goes, planning to go to the kitchen and think about how the hell to handle this.
Their eyes meet.
The looks switch between this is the worst mistake I've ever made and I just wish I could stay here with you forever.
Kate's not overly sure there's any middle ground.
But by the end the former wins; it was a mistake.
It shouldn'tve happened.
She goes into the living room and a few minutes later he appears.
"You should leave,"she says and he walks over to her. Castle leans down and kisses her like she needs it to breathe. He pulls always and holds her for a moment.
"It was a mistake," she breathes in to his shoulder. They stand like that for a moment, caught between guilt and love.
He wants her to tell him to stay but it's not right, none of this is right.
God, it's so wrong – she could lose her job and he's married.
He's still married.
So he lets her go.
(Because they sleep together, they can never go back to being just friends)
...
Any thoughts?
This is going to be a three shot so I should update soonish. :)