Title: When I'm Gone
Author: Laura (KeepTheFaith)
Feedback: Is what I live and write for, leave it here or send it to aeryncrichton@hotmail.com
Links: If you want it, just let me know
Disclaimer: Buffy belongs to Joss Whedon and ME, I'm just borrowing them
Pairings: Buffy / Spike
Setting: Songfic to 3 Doors Down "When I'm Gone"
Subject: Buffy & Spike encounter in Spike's crypt during season 6, set after "Wrecked"
Rating: R
When I'm Gone
Every time Buffy was in a particularly foul mood it rained in Sunnydale. It wasn't bad enough that she had to patrol the cemeteries and search through every other seamy place frequented by vampires and every other dangerous, blood thirsty monster? No, because tonight she got to patrol right in the middle of a downpour of epic proportions.
Her blonde hair was slicked to her head and even though she'd had the foresight to pull it up into a topknot, tendrils had pulled free during her battles tonight and were plastered to her cheeks and neck. She knew she must look like a drowned rat.
Without picking a direction Buffy's feet led her to the door of Spike's crypt. She knocked and was pleasantly surprised when the door opened.
There's another world inside of me that you may never see
There's secrets in this life that I can't hide
"Can I come in?" Buffy asked, while Spike stood rooted in front of his door.
"Yeah, sure, come in," Spike invited, stepping aside and motioning her to come inside. Not that the Slayer needed an invitation before she could enter a place like he did, but it was the polite form. He really wasn't used to politeness though, not from Buffy. At least not when it was directed at him.
Once she was out of the rain an involuntary shiver ran through Buffy's body as she stepped into the path of one of the many drafts in Spike's crypt. Looking around, she noticed it was remarkably watertight considering the deluge outside.
"Can I get you a towel and maybe some dry things?" Spike asked.
Buffy nodded, as she answered, "that'd be lovely." Another shiver ran through her body as she hugged her arms around herself in an effort to conserve what little body heat she had left.
Spike's platinum blonde head disappeared as he walked down the stairs into his living quarters. His disembodied voice rang out, "did you want to come down?"
"Sure," Buffy answered, before she had a chance to give his offer much thought. Right now, drying off and getting warm were her priorities. She climbed down to the lower level and stood off to the side of Spike's living area, trying to keep the puddle around her in a contained space.
Somewhere in this darkness there's a life that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away or maybe I'm just blind, maybe I'm just blind
Somehow once he made it to Buffy's side, his intentions changed. He wrapped one of the towels around her and offered, "let me get your hair for you."
Buffy nodded. Simply having a large, dry towel wrapped around her felt like heaven. It reduced her shivering to a manageable level.
Spike reached up and pulled the binder out of her hair. From behind, he reached up to towel dry her hair. Once he'd dried the soaked strands as best he could, he walked around her and extended his arm toward her, offering her the towel he'd just used on her hair.
When their hands met, a jolt of electricity blasted through them, rooting them in place, their fingers still touching and their eyes locked in a near trance. Buffy found herself taking a tentative step closer, so she could weave the fingers of her right hand with Spike's left. She glanced down, noticing how well their hands fit together.
Spike's thumb absently caressed hers in an almost rhythmic, repetitive motion.
So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone
Buffy reached up to caress Spike's cheek and found herself drowning in the aquamarine depths of his eyes. There was nothing she wanted more than to see herself reflected in his gaze. It amazed her that such ocean blue eyes could radiate so much heat and fire that they almost thrummed a pulsing drumbeat of desire.
Her towel fell to the floor, baring her to Spike's hungry gaze. A burgundy t-shirt clung to her like a second skin. Rainwater had drenched her outside and in the drafty interior of Spike's crypt, her nipples puckered to pebble hardness, making them visible even through her bra.
Her black boot-cut jeans were likewise slicked to her skin, which caused yet another shiver to quake through her body.
"You cold love?" Spike asked.
Buffy nodded, then reached out to touch his face, playing her fingers over his well defined cheekbones like a concert violinist caressing a Stradivarius.
Spike wasn't sure where he stood with Buffy. They'd had sex, but as much as he'd like to label it something more, he was sure she hadn't. His encounters with Buffy would blaze in his memory for all eternity or until he was turned to dust. Their significance to her was debatable.
A tender touch from Buffy was like a shock to him system, unexpected... it threw him. Spike wasn't sure how to react. What to say. So he waited for her to do the talking or to show him what it was she wanted.
Everything I am and everything in me
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be
Buffy took the final step that brought her into Spike's arms. His lack of body heat sucked the remaining warmth from her body, causing yet another tremor to run through her from head to toe.
Spike's reaction to her shivering was practical. He tipped her head up to look into her hazel eyes before he went any further, to ask, "will you let me dry you?"
Buffy nodded.
At her agreement, Spike reached down to peel off the burgundy t-shirt and unhook the red bra she had on beneath it, drawing it away from her chilled and clammy skin by the straps and letting it fall to the floor. He continued to undress her, bending down to unzip her black boots and pull them off her feet, then he unbuttoned her jeans and pushed them down her legs.
Buffy stood there with only a pair of white anklets and black satin bikini underwear on her body, unashamed by the heat Spike's gaze sent blazing from her stomach to the tips of her fingers and toes. Her face flushed under his hungry eyes.
I'll never let you down even if I could
I'd give up everything if only for your good
Spike stood up and instructed, "turn over."
The extreme lassitude that Spike's ministrations had induced caused Buffy to obey Spike's curt command without demur. He knelt over her back, pushed the long, blonde locks that were already drying into a curly mass out of the way and began to work his way from the nape of her neck down her back. When he got to her panties, he hooked his thumbs through the sides and slid them down her legs. He rubbed the damp black satin between his thumb and forefinger, before he tossed the panties aside. Then he ran the soft cotton towel over her toned legs from her buttocks down to her toes.
Spike stepped back from the bed, taking a critical look at the effects of his ministrations. The damp towel was clamped in his right hand as though it was his lifeline. To what, he wasn't quite sure.
So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared but you won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone, love me when I'm gone
Spike threw the towel aside, then turned back to the bed where Buffy lay sprawled out in lazy abandon on her stomach.
A low growl escaped his throat as the demon inside him fought for control. Spike would have liked to take little nips all the way up her body, drawing blood along the way from her ankles to her silken neck, oh so temptingly bared and gently arched. There was one other thing he'd like to do...
Buffy rolled over onto her back and held out her arms. Her eyes held a seductive promise, a wicked glint that hinted at her intent.
When your education x-ray cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends
"What do you want?" Spike asked.
"I need you Spike," Buffy admitted. "To touch me, hold me in your arms, kiss me" she requested, "and let me touch you." Every time that she and Spike came together she found herself coming back for more. No matter how much she wanted to deny it, she needed him. She ached for him when they weren't together and found excuses to seek him out.
Spike didn't need a more explicit offer. He pulled off his t-shirt, kicked off his boots and had his black jeans and boxers off in seconds.
Now roaming through this darkness I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this but part of me is gone
She could feel her heartbeat as it quickened, her breath as it caught in her throat.
Buffy ignored the little voice inside her that told her that this was wrong. That Spike was the big bad and he'd only hurt her. At this moment she didn't care. She wanted him, needed him... had to have him and only him.
In the candlelight, Spike's fair hair caught a glow that almost put a halo round his head.
He was her dark angel, her forbidden desire. The embodiment of everything she shouldn't want, but perversely did. She didn't want the eternal life he'd been granted as a vampire, but she wanted the freedom to come and go, to do what she wanted when she wanted, even if what she might do was wrong or bad. That was denied her as The Slayer. Because her duty bound her to this place, to the eternal fight of good versus evil. A fight that could never be won.
A fight that would bring her life to a brutal end. Maybe not in the next heartbeat, or the next hour; but inevitably it would happen, maybe tomorrow, next month or next year. It had already happened twice. Her fate was inescapable.
She couldn't count on any more than right now, this very moment.
So hold me when I'm here right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone
Spike picked up Buffy and laid her back down, putting her head gently onto his pillow. He stretched out beside her and looked down at her fragile, glowing beauty.
When she reached out and tangled her fingers in his hair, he let her pull him down for a deep, drugging kiss. Tonight was hers. Any night she wanted him was hers. He was hers.
Spike loved Buffy.
Vampires weren't supposed to have a heart, and he didn't have one that beat. But she magnetized him, pulled at him with the inexorable force of a black hole. No matter how many times they fought, he could never bring himself to push it to the limit, to find out which of them was better by going for the kill.
Everything in him that was good and even the demon inside him belonged to her. She was his blazing sun, his effervescent moon, all that kept him even close to sane in this lunatic world.
The end of her existence would put out the light in his. Oh, no doubt he'd continue to exist, but without Buffy his life would be bleaker than the sunless unlife he'd endured for over a century as a vampire.
Everything I am and everything in me
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be,
Laying down beside Buffy, all he wanted was to hold her, touch her, show her his love, since he couldn't bloody well tell her without having her push him away. Again.
Spike had never thought to be this close to Buffy again. Oh, he'd dreamed, hoped, and desired to find a way into Buffy's affections. But he hadn't been sure she'd invite his touch again. Most especially not like this.
They'd brought a house down, practically on top of their heads the first time they succumbed to passion. But she'd denied that it meant anything and tossed him aside.
Yet she'd come here to him, instead of going home tonight. Spike chose to believe it meant that she cared. How much? Maybe even she didn't know the answer to that question.
I'll never let you down even if I could
I'd give up everything if only for your good
Spike had given up on evil, for the most part. He'd given up gambling, maiming and killing. There was no killing or maiming of humans since the Initiative had put that damn chip in his head. When it came to the vampires and monsters that Buffy was in the fight against, that's where he could lend a hand. He'd offered to add his preternatural strength to hers many times. There were even times when she'd let him help, but it wasn't bloody often, not nearly often enough.
He wanted to show her his tenderness, but all Buffy sometimes let him contribute was his strength of arms in a fight. So he gave her what she asked for. Someone who'd take her back in any fight or go down in her stead, to preserve her life.
There wasn't anything he wasn't willing to do without if he could just have her and her love... or a prayer that it might be his someday. And right now, with Buffy in his arms, anything and everything seemed possible.
So hold me when I'm here right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared, you won't always be there,
So love me when I'm gone
Spike ran his hand down Buffy's arm, smoothing it over her hip and down the outside of her thigh.
Her eyes closed for a moment as she savored the sensations that his touch aroused. When she opened them once again, she found an amused smirk on Spike's face.
"What's so funny?" Buffy asked, in a tone of mock affront.
"Nothing," Spike stated. There was no way he could admit that his amusement was directed inward, at the way Buffy could wrap him around her little finger with the slightest crumb, the merest hint of affection. He reached out to brush a couple of curly locks out of Buffy's face, his fingers lingering on the curve of her cheek and feathering to the nape of her neck as he bent down to kiss her. Spike's lips brushed Buffy's lightly like the flick of a butterfly's wings, teasing like a whisper.
Buffy let him plunder her mouth with his expert tongue. He knew where to probe, where to linger and where to lick or suck to get a reaction out of her.
Finally when she was breathless, Spike pulled back a moment simply to look at her.
Maybe I'm just blind
"Please, please hold me," Buffy begged Spike.
Spike wrapped his arms around Buffy, marveling at the way her slender form fit perfectly with his, like a jigsaw puzzle needing just two interlocking pieces to be made whole.
Buffy held onto Spike for dear life. She wasn't entirely sure where she ended and he began. Truthfully, didn't want to know, she only wanted this feeling to go on forever. If she could pick out one moment to stretch out into infinity, this would be it.
Being held by Spike made her feel safe. Protected. Cherished even.
It was absurd, but true. Being nestled in his arms made her feel like she was home.
So hold me when I'm here right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone
Buffy tipped her head, to find Spike's soul stealing gaze locked with her own. The need in his eyes could melt a saint and Buffy had never made any claims to sainthood. She wanted Spike and the look in his eyes made it quite clear that he wanted her every bit as much.
She threaded her hand through Spike's hair, pulling his head down for a thorough kiss, while she rocked her body into a position straddling him, bringing her body into intimate contact with his arousal. A low hum thrummed through her at the contact, breaking free through her lips and entering his mouth, along with her curious, yet adventurous tongue.
Spike raised himself to a seated position, with his back against the metal headboard, adjusting Buffy's position to give himself a bit of relief from the torturous contact that had him nearly ready to explode. He pulled her closer to gain access to her breasts, while he reached down between her legs to find her wet and ready.
Everything I am and everything in me,
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be
"Buffy," Spike gasped, as he felt her fingers playing with the most sensitive portion of his anatomy.
"Spike," Buffy replied, as he slid home. Then words were beyond her capability as they arched into one another, their bodies melting as they rocked in unison, expanding and contracting, their heat building like a pulsating stream of plasma arcing from the sun's corona during an overactive sun-storm.
Spike ran his hand down Buffy's back as tremors rocked through her.
He rested his forehead against hers, waiting for her breathing to ratchet down.
It surprised him that she'd accepted his tenderness, rather than pushing for the brutality she'd seemed to crave in every other encounter between them.
I'll never let you down even if I could
I'd give up everything if only for your good
So hold me when I'm here right me when I'm wrong
When Spike raised his head, he found Buffy's eyes hooded and downcast, as though she were uncertain. Of what, he wasn't quite sure.
It almost made him believe that he mattered to her. That she wasn't simply using him. The she needed more from him than the roughest, wildest, most intense sex play of her life. Not that he'd given that to her that tonight, but she hadn't pushed his back up against the wall either. Daring him to push back, which he finally could do now, since the chip didn't prevent it, at least with her. It was just that he really didn't want to hurt her.
It wasn't that he didn't enjoy that side of her. But there were other times when he'd felt closer to Buffy. And he still wanted that... craved it, with the ferocity of a man dying in the desert longing for a sip of cool, clear, spring water. There was the time she'd come to see him in his crypt after he'd endured Glory's torture to protect the Nibblet. He'd almost been able to convince himself that she really did care for him that time. Then there was the time Spike had sat beside Buffy on her front porch and awkwardly patted her shoulder in an attempt to offer comfort to her after her mother's death. Joyce's death had rocked his world too. Not like Buffy's. Or the Bit's... but it tore a bite out of his undead heart, not as much as when Buffy died, but...
He'd longed to hold even a tiny piece of Buffy's heart for so long, the way that she owned all of his. And always would. Whether she wanted it or not. And most of the time he thought she'd never want it, no matter what he did.
Tonight, Spike finally felt like he'd made love to Buffy and she had let him, she'd participated even.
You can hold me when I'm scared, you won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone, love me when I'm gone,
When I'm gone, when I'm gone
Buffy looked up to find Spike's laser bright azure gaze focused on her face. The intensity of his stare made her tremble. She wasn't sure she could quite explain why.
Coming to Spike, letting him shelter her from the rain and touch her tenderly instead of pushing and taunting him to fuel their encounter with a fiercely, white hot sexual energy that pulsed between them only to leave them consumed to ash in its wake, had left her feeling strangely soothed. Content even. There had been times when she'd wished that their encounters would incinerate them both, instead of leaving her filled with self-loathing and regret afterwards. Not just for what she was doing to herself, but for the way she was using Spike, simply to feel... anything.
Tonight wasn't like that. It wasn't even close. But in a way, it was more frightening.
Maybe she was finally ready to look Spike in the eye and admit that she felt something for him. Buffy wasn't sure that it was love, even though she knew that Spike loved her. But it was something tender and rare, a spark of wonder filled her when Spike touched her. And she didn't want to let that go. Because after dying twice, she finally realized that life was precious. Even hers.
Buffy thought she might finally be ready to live again. She reached out and cupped Spike's cheek with a feather light touch of her hand. After all, this was what being alive was all about.
The End