[Hey, everyone. It's been awhile since I wrote anything. Well, this doesn't much make up for it, but I hope it's good for a laugh in any case. Keep an open mind when reading through the story - I did it purely for entertainment purposes, and that mostly my own.
Kingdom Hearts is licensed to Square Enix and Disney, though I could have done without Disney's involvement. Why can't we play Riku in the game, again?]
"Hey, Sora, remember what I told you about the Paopu fruit?" Riku asked, tossing one of the yellow star-shaped fruits from hand to hand as he regarded the shorter brown-haired boy with a mischievous smile.
Sora looked up at Riku with a puzzled expression, and slowly nodded. "You mean that thing about if you share one with someone, you end up together?" he asked, leaning back against the trunk of the leaning tree.
Riku nodded. "Yeah. You ever try it?"
"Of course not," Sora scoffed. "That's just a story."
"Maybe. Maybe not," Riku replied nonchalantly. Then with no warning, he tackled Sora to the ground and shoved the Paopu fruit in the younger boy's face. "C'mon, scaredy cat! Try it! We'll give the other half to Kairi."
"No! Riku, geroff - mph!" Riku had managed to shove part of the fruit into Sora's mouth, effectively cutting off any protest. The silver-haired teen grinned triumphantly as Sora was forced to either swallow or choke.
Sora swallowed.
Riku rolled off the other boy, clutching the uneaten half of the fruit. "Okay, let's go give the rest to Kairi. You two can be L-O-V-E-R-S - ack! Sora, what are you doing?!" Riku scrambled to get away from Sora, who had leaned forward and started stroking his thigh. Sora followed Riku's movement to start playing with the other boy's shining hair.
"Riku, your hair is really pretty. I never noticed before. It's so soft and shiny…" Sora murmured dreamily, combing through Riku's hair with slow, drunken movements.
Riku's eyes widened and he shoved Sora away from him. His gaze was drawn first to Sora, then to the half-eaten Paopu fruit in his hands. Was it what had caused Sora to act drunker than Wakka at last year's Fourth of July party? Riku shook his head in frustration. Was Sora having some kind of allergic reaction to the fruit? As he stood there deliberating, Sora continued his amorous advances, slowly stripping his shirt off to display a pasty pale, thin chest. Even if Riku had been gay, which he wasn't, the sight would have turned him off of guys forever.
"C'mon, Sora, let's go put you somewhere until the effects of the Paopu wear off," Riku sighed, grabbing his friend by the back of his pants and forcibly hauling him down the board bridge to the main portion of the island.
"Whatever you say, Riku. Oh, hey, lookit, there's Kairi. Let's say hi. Kairi is pretty," Sora drooled.
Riku rolled his eyes, then turned towards the pink-haired girl running towards them. "Hey guys, what's up?" Kairi asked cheerfully.
"Help me get Sora somewhere safe. He hate the Paopu fruit and now he's gone all," Riku paused to flap his hand in Sora's direction to indicate the other boy's state of being, "messed up in the head."
"Kairi! Awwww, you're so pretty today," Sora sang.
"Wow. He's even more stupid than usual," Kairi observed, then shrugged. Together, she and Riku began dragging Sora further down the board bridge.
But then Kairi tripped on one of the loose boards, and her weight pushed them all forward. Riku and Kairi landed on the bridge painfully hard, but Sora went flying between them and fell into the ocean water below. Riku and Kairi looked over the side of the bridge to make sure Sora hadn't drowned - it would be a pain to drag his corpse ashore - and breathed a sigh of relief when a familiar spiky head bobbed to the surface.
"Oooh, what's that?" gurgled Sora's happy voice from below them.
Riku and Kairi looked on in a mixture of horror and amusement as a slimy wet round shape emerged from the surface of the water beside Sora.
"It's a giant squid," breathed Kairi.
Riku cocked his head to the side. "You sure it's not an octopus?" he asked.
"No, it's a squid!" protested Kairi, and Riku sneered at her. "How would you know? It could be an octopus," he said. "I've seen one before!" yelled Kairi. "No you haven't! I bet you don't even know what a squid is, let alone what one looks like!" Riku retorted. "That's not true! I know perfectly well what a squid looks like, and I've seen an octopus before too, and that thing down there is definitely a giant squid! So there!" Kairi hissed.
"Stupid." "Jerk." "Liar." "Flat-chested chick!"
As Kairi and Riku proceeded to beat the crap out of each other, Sora was having a nice, one-sided chat with a squid that was several times larger than him. "Hello, Mr. Squid. I'm Sora. You're a pretty squid. Your tentacles are so long, and your eyes are so big and round. I bet you could do a lot of things with your tentacles. Hey. What are you doing, Mr. Squid?"
Mr. Squid, who thought that this entire ordeal was rather idiotic, opened his mouth and swallowed Sora whole.
Riku and Kairi paused their fight long enough to realize that Sora had been eaten and that the squid/octopus was sinking back down into the water.
"Oh no! It ate Sora!" yelled Kairi.
Riku shrugged. "He was starting to get annoying, anyways. Hey, want to go to the Hundred Acre Wood and kick Pooh around a little bit?"
Kairi didn't hear him, as she was too busy having hysterics. Which is surprising, seeing as how she hadn't been paying attention when the eating of Sora had actually taken place. "Noooo! Sora! Now you'll never know that I loved you! You'll never share a Paopu fruit with me! You'll never know that Mickey Mouse was your real father! You'll never - hey, wait, you bastard, you still have my Oathkeeper keychain! Give it back, you spiky-haired freak!" She dove into the ocean in hot pursuit of Mr. Squid and his latest meal.
Riku sighed and threw up his hands in disgust. Then he took off towards the mainland and his house, to live a relatively normal life without either Kairi or Sora to screw everything up for him.