Story Title: The First Time -5 Times Jim Should Have Been Terrified And Wasn't and 1 Time He Was Terrified And Shouldn't Have Been
Story Type: Slash
Characters: Kirk, Spock
Pairings: Kirk/Spock
Rating: PG-13/NC-17
Fandom: Start Trek: 2009
Series: None
Disclaimer: They don't belong to me; which is probably a good thing -for them.
Warnings: Slash, language
A/N: Not sure how I feel about this one, but it demanded to be written -and, let me tell you, those damned sehlats can be a pain in the ass if they don't get written the way they want to. Enjoy, peeps.
5.
The first time Jim Kirk almost died, he didn't even realize what was happening; he didn't know his father was dead, his mother emotionally destroyed. He had no idea that he was three months premature and born in conditions that even full term babies would have had trouble surviving.
Both the doctor and the nurse who delivered him agreed that when he was born, and cried for the first time, that he didn't sound scared or upset -not even when he stopped breathing for almost a full minute; his eyes stared at them the whole time, demanding that they save him.
No, Jim hadn't been scared -he'd been pissed, even as a baby. It was the beginning of a life long trend.
4.
The next time was twelve years later -almost exactly to the day, in fact. Hearing his step-father talk about selling his father's antique car had sent him into a rage. Still sore from the last "disciplinary action" Frank had thought he needed, Jim had snuck the keys off the hook by the back door and limped to the garage as fast as he could.
By the time he had flown past the patrol droid, his adrenaline was pumping so hard and that rage was still singing in his blood so loudly that he didn't feel his bruised ribs while he was gasping for breath; didn't care that his mother was going to fucken murder him when she got dirtside.
When he swung off the road and headed for the cliff, he never intended to go over with the car; he just wanted to make sure there was no way in hell that the car wasn't going to do it. But when he jumped and it became clear that he might have miscalculated, he didn't get scared; even as he hung over the ledge the only thing he could think of was that he'd be damned if a fucken cliff killed him when he survived a starship explosion.
3.
Taurus IV was the stuff nightmares were made of; by the time Star Fleet were able to start evacuating people, Jim had gone down to 95lbs. and the little bit of food he was able to find all went to the seven kids that he had taken under his wing.
When security patrols had started making their way to the outer parts of the colony, they had stumbled across dead bodies, people that should have been dead and enough mental sickness to make even a solider break down in tears at the thought of it; disaster brought out the worst and best in people and, unfortunately, it was usually the worst.
They stumbled onto the cave and got the shock of their life when someone who looked barely old enough to drive attacked them with ferocity of a mother bear defending her cubs. By the time they had him restrained -as gently as possible, the soldiers were very aware of how malnourished he was- and explained who they were, he didn't relax and break down, he didn't even look relieved.
Jim Kirk -because even as sickly and dirty as he was, there was no mistaking that face- was still as mad as he had been the day he drove his father's classic car over a cliff in Iowa.
"It's about fucken time you assholes got here."
2.
Goading someone who was three times stronger then he was into a fight may not have been the best idea that Jim ever had. The fight had been exhilarating -even if he had been getting his ass handed to him; part of him wondered if maybe that wasn't exactly why the fight had been as exciting as it was.
When Spock sent him flying into the navigator's console and his hand closed around Jim's throat, Jim wasn't afraid for his life; even if this was the closest to death he'd been in years, he still didn't have that fear that every other sentient being seemed to have when they saw the end of their lives approaching.
No, Jim wasn't terrified -he wasn't even pissed like he had been so many times in the past. This went beyond all the other things he had ever felt in his life; excitement, need, want, even a small fissure of arousal all combined together to make his head spin worse then the lack of oxygen already was. Even as his vision started dimming and he could feel the bruises forming on his throat, part of Jim was hoping the feeling would never end.
1.
Watching the hull crack as they were getting sucked into the black hole, Jim knew this might be the end of everything and he felt the familiar anger well up inside of him; anger that the people surrounding him -who in many ways already felt closer to him then his blood, which opened up all kinds of issues he didn't even want to fucken think about- would never get to make their mark on history, never get to do the things he knew they were capable of.
Anger that Bones would never see his daughter again; would never get to see her go to prom, see her graduate, get married -never get to hold his grandchildren.
Anger that whatever was going on with Spock -what it was, he wasn't sure but there was something there, he would have bet anything on it- he would never get to explore it; never get to find that epic relationship that would define the rest of their lives.
Anger that a seventeen year old would never get the chance to live out his life; anger that Sulu would die anyway. Anger that he would never get to tease Uhura about her first name again; anger that he had dragged Scotty from Delta Vega just to die.
Anger at everything and everyone involved in this, but, most of all, anger at himself for not being able to save everyone.
"All she's got isn't good enough. What else you got?"
"OK, if we eject the core and denote, the blast could be enough to push us away. But I can nae promise anything, though!"
"DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!"
And...
We're both looking for something we've been afraid to find. It's easier to be broken, it's easier to hide. Looking at you, holding my breath. For once in my life, I'm scared to death. I'm taking a chance, letting you inside. -The First Time, Lifehouse
1.
"Hey, Spock, can I talk to you?" Jim asked, his voice hesitant.
"Of course," Spock answered, turning away from the open windows of the Observation Deck. When Jim didn't say anything else, he raised an eyebrow that manged to convey amusement without showing anything on his face..
"Look, you don't have to say anything to me or do whatever, I -I just," Jim stammered before he paused to take a deep breath; his heart was pounding and for the first time in his life he was terrified about what was going to happen next; because once he told Spock how he really felt, he knew everything was going to change and he could only hope Spock didn't do the Vulcan equivalent of freaking the fuck out and avoid him for the rest of their five year mission. But he couldn't keep quiet about this
"I need to tell you this -I can't ignore it any more or keep quiet about; hell, when have you ever known me to suffer in silence?
"It's been killing me, and I hope once I get this off my chest we can just go back to normal," Kirk went on, biting his lip for a second.
"Whatever it is that you wish to say, Jim, perhaps you should just, as Dr. McCoy would say, 'spit it out'," Spock suggested, curious as to what could unnerve his Captain so much; the same man who had faced down a Klingon Bird of Prey last week without even blinking.
"Yeah, maybe that's a good idea," Jim admitted, rubbing his hand across the back of his neck.
"See, the thing is… I'm kind of in love with you. Actually, I know I'm completely in love with you. I know you don't feel the same," he said, his words running together in a terrified rush. He swallowed thickly when Spock blinked at him; which Kirk knew was Spock for 'What the FUCK did you just say?'.
"And I understand that you don't feel the same way I do. I just -I had to tell you; it was starting to feel like my head was going to implode or something. I couldn't take it any more.
"Now, we can just forget this awkward conversation ever happened -we'll just go back to normal."
"Negative, Jim," Spock said, getting to his feet.
Kirk felt his stomach drop and closed his eyes; he should have known that this wasn't going to be easy. Spock was probably going to nerve pinch him and walk as fast as Vulcan dignity would let him in the opposite direction.
"It would be illogical for me to ignore your words when they mirror my own sentiments towards you exactly."
"What?" Jim managed to get out, his eyes opening quickly. He looked up and realized Spock had moved in front of him.
It felt like he was dreaming; there was no way Spock could love him, too -was there?
Then Spock took the last step that put him securely in Kirk's personal space. When he placed a hand on Jim's face and leaned over and pressed a simple kiss to his lips, Jim finally found something that would break his heart if he lost it.
But as he kissed Spock back, he knew Spock would always find him again.