Elle closed her eyes, reveling in the waves of heat rushing from her freshly made coffee, and washing over her face. She held the mug close to her face, inhaling it's delicious scent. She took a short sip from the deep green mug, drinking only teaspoons of the near scalding liquid at a time. She padded over to her living room couch, her steps on the cold hardwood muffled by the thick woolen socks she wore. Elle grabbed the remote from the antique wooden coffee table in front of her before settling into a comfortable position on the couch-it's surface molding to her shape. She sighed in contentment, taking another sip from the mug and letting her eyes wander to the images on the screen. Her brow furrowed at the mention of the FBI, and she looked down at the remote, turning the volume up several notches before looking back to the screen.

"... Last night. Sources say the agent kidnapped was a member of the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI. The agent was held captive for 2 days before the authorities and Georgia PD discovered his whereabouts. We haven't been informed of his condition, but it has been confirmed that the suspect was killed in the recovery of the agent. Agent Gideon and his team declined to comment on the ordeal, but It looks like..." But Elle didn't hear the rest, as she had shot up from her chair and began stuffing clothes and passports and whatever else her hands fell upon into a duffel bag. She had to get to them. One of her team-her former team anyway, had been kidnapped. What if they had died, or been seriously harmed or... She didn't want to consider the possibilities. One of her friends had gone through something big. Despite her promise to herself that she would never go back to the FBI, she couldn't help but feel for the people she had once considered family. She wouldn't abandon them again. She needed to know they were okay. Heaving the duffel bag onto a nearby table, Elle stood still for a moment, allowing herself to collect her thoughts, and let her nerves die down. They couldn't be dead, the news had said that he had been found... they didn't actually say he was alive. They didn't... No, she couldn't think that way. She let her head fall into her hands for a moment before lifting it, a determined expression on her face, eyes blazing. She half jogged to her room, and dressed in clean clothes, grabbing some more essentials for her trip before, running out the door, grabbing her bag and continuing out her apartment. They're okay they're okay they're okay... she repeated the constant mantra in her head, willing the repetition to somehow make it true. She looked up with a start, realizing she had made it from her apartment building to her car without realizing she had been placing one foot in front of the other. A battle had been raging in her head, debating with herself whether she should continue to the airport. In her heart she knew she would, whether the team wanted her there or not. It was funny, she didn't even know what team member it was. Any one of them... would wound her if they were hurt. Morgan... Reid... Gideon... Hotch. She cared for them, though she tried to deny it. Sighing, she unlocked the doors to her 67 mustang and opened the drivers side door, stepping in, and staring at the steering wheel. She turned the key in the ignition and pulled out of the parking lot, turning into the busy traffic congested streets of New York. Her fingers thrummed impatiently against the steering wheel as she maneuvered through the mess of cars, working towards the airport...

13-14... 15-16... she scanned the numbers overhead as she searched for her seat, bouncing on the balls of her feet impatiently as the steady stream of passengers before her moved gradually forwards. She sighed in relief when she could finally fall into seat 19C, stuffing her bag under the seat in front of her, and leaning her head back against the seat, her eyelids falling closed. She made it. She could finally relax... she was on her way, she would get there within hours, she had done all she could for the time being. Finally at peace she drifted into her subconscious, her muscles relaxing in-Which one was it? Damn. Even when she was near sleep her mind had to wander back to unanswered questions and inconsistencies... it was the curse of having a profilers mind. Elle finally gave up on sleep and pondered who could be stuck in a hospital bed right now...

Her heels clacked audibly against the off white tiles of the hospital hallway. The florescent lights flickered overhead, casting a sickly glow over the rooms. Elle grimaced. She had always hated hospitals. Even more so since... The lines creasing her face deepened at the memory. She glanced into rooms as she passed them, searching for a familiar face... someone she could interrogate about the condition of her team mate. She exhaled loudly, aggravated by her lack of results. Her profiling wasn't that rusty. She had listened to the new report... knew where the kidnapping was, knew it was her team from the mention of Gideon... and she had paved a path here with her knowledge of Georgia, and the team. They had to be at this hospital. Unless...

"Elle?" She turned abruptly mid stride at the mention of her name, coming face to face with Derek Morgan.

That ruled him out as a victim...

"Derek." realization appeared on his face, though it was marred by the presence of pain, anger and betrayal. How much was her doing she didn't know.

"What the hell are you doing here?" She walked slowly up to meet him, unsure of how to go about this...

"I head someone from the BAU was kidnapped on the news, and I took the first flight out... What's going on Derek?" He frowned.

"Elle... No offense, but you left us without warning or a proper goodbye, and it cut some of us pretty good. So, though it's good you're here... consider that before you talk to anyone else. We're going through a real tough time right now with one of our own taken, and... just don't mess with them alright?"

Elle was struck by the sincerity of his words. She hadn't meant to upset them... but it had been her time to go.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly, looking down at her shoes. She wasn't used to backing down so quickly, but she got the feeling Morgan was in a fragile state of mind.

"Good. Now, how'd you find us?" A hint of a smile played at his lips, and she grinned back.

"Profiler habits. hard to break."

He chuckled lightly.

"We missed you Elle." She nodded.

"Good to hear it. I missed you too. Now... You gonna tell me what happened to shake you all up so bad?"

The smile disappeared from his face.

"see for yourself."

Elle looked to where Morgan was gesturing, leaning over to get a good look through the window to Who ever's room. She frowned when she saw it's occupant.

Reid was curled up slightly, his knees almost to his chest. His face was arranged into a deep frown. His eyes moving rapidly beneath his eyelids. He was dreaming. Or, more likely-having a nightmare.

A dark purplish bruise was forming under one eye, and dried blood stained his face under white gauze. His foot was bandaged heavily, and an IV was hooked up to his arm. He had dark shadows under his eyes, and dirt smudged over his face. Blankets were drawn up to his chin, and he shivered slightly.

"What the hell happened to Reid?" Elle's eyes were concerned, and Morgan felt compelled to fill her in.

"He... he was kidnapped by a psychotic serial killer who murdered sinners. Turns out-the guy had Multiple personality disorder, or dissociative identity... whatever the hell you want to call it, he had 3 personalities that tortured Reid for 2 days." He stopped, fists clenching as if he had to keep his anger in check. elle listened, appalled to the events of the last few days.

"He... taped it, and made us watch Reid, chained up in a freezing cold shack. H-he made Reid choose who to die. He-god. He made him play russian roulette. Then he beat him pretty good, and Reid started convulsing. He died. For a good few minutes before Tobias-the docile personality-did CPR, brought him back. When we got there... He was making Reid dig his own grave. and... Reid killed him. Shot him in the chest. But he was pretty messed up when we brought him back. He was weak... could barely walk by himself, and... he looked... broken."

Morgan trailed off, and Elle got the impression that he might break down if he continued. She had gotten the dam to break, and Morgan seemed to feel slightly better after releasing the story to someone else. Elle was disturbed. She remembered back to her shooting... to Reid. Talking to her and worrying about her, when she blew him off time after time. And now... she wasn't even there for him when he needed her. She'd have to change it. She couldn't imagine going through that psychological torture for days... she had needed a long time to get over her ordeal. Who knows how long it'll take Reid.

"I'll go talk to him."

Morgan's eyebrows shot up.

"You sure that's a good idea?"

"He did it for me. I'm returning the favor."

Morgan nodded almost imperceptibly. She placed a hand on his shoulder, smiling lightly before moving past him and turning the handle to Reid's room. He looked much too pale. And sickly.

She frowned before making her way slowly to his bedside.

"hey reid."

"Reid? Spencer?"

His eyelids fluttered, but he didn't wake up. His lips moved slightly and she leaned in.

'no. I don't want it. please. no... don't..." he muttered the words softly, but she could hear the agony behind the words. She knew that pain.

She placed a hand on his shoulder, and he bolted upright, almost knocking her over.

"Don't! No..." His eyes were wild with panic before they fell upon her and his shoulders relaxed.

"e-elle?" He asked skeptically, leaning back and wincing in pain.

She nodded.

"yep."

"What're you... what the hell are you doing here?" He closed his eyes, and rubbed his temples. She frowned at his tone. It didn't sound like him.

"I heard you got hurt."

"And you care?" His eyes flashed with anger, and she looked at him in surprise. He was never confrontational.

But looking at him-he seemed different. His eyes were older. The dark under his eyes had deepened tenfold... and broken as morgan had said.

"yeah I care. Reid, you guys were my family. Still are if you'll have me... and I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Yeah. great thanks." Reid muttered sarcastically, crossing his arms over his white hospital gown.

"Reid. Come on. talk to me."

"I'm fine Elle, okay? I don't need any help. I'll be okay in a while..." She smiled sadly.

"That's what I thought." His defensive expression softened slightly.

"I see." He looked down at his hands.

"So, because I pestered you about your near death experience, you're returning the favor, 's that it?"

"no." She said sternly. Was this what she was like after she was shot? Must've been annoying.

"I want you to talk about it. I know the feeling. I know how it feels like no one understands, and that you're alone. Helpless, But I'm here. and I know." He looked up sharply.

"You know? Really. You want to hear what happened? fine. I split up with JJ. I went around the back of the barn we thought the unsub was hiding in. ...and I got my own gun held to my head. The personalities were fighting right in front of me." His voice lost some of the anger, and he seemed to just be telling her his story, releasing the pain to someone. She was relieved.

"I was knocked out... and dragged through the cornfield." She glanced up at his bandaged head, space between her eyes creasing at the blood there.

"He took me to this shack in a cemetery in Marshall Perish. He chained me up to this rickety old chair, handcuffed me. When I woke up, there was this god awful smell... he thought burning fish innards would keep away the devil. One personality... raphael... he was there. loaded a revolver with one bullet. I lucked out the first time. Pretty soon the personality changed, and he... he hit me repeatedly on the foot... it was painful as hell. after that... the third personality came in and he... and he gave me dilaudid." His voice broke. And It donned on her. The trembling... the sickly look. He was on drugs. Reid. certified genius... the kid. It was unbelievable. But Suddenly pieces fit together. He didn't deserve this. She placed a sympathetic hand on his, and he glanced at her, tears filling his eyes. He blinked them back and continued.

"I was out. And I dreamed... I dreamed of some crappy stuff. when I woke up the second guy-charles- brought out a camera... and forced me to choose who of the specified people would die-while the team watched. I-I chose who got to live before he cut off the feed." He glanced up again.

"I'm sorry. This is too much information right?" She shook her head.

"no, not at all. Carry on."

"right... well, Gideon left me a message a while later... reminding me to stay strong and all that. Motivation. Then it was quiet for a while. The personalities let me sleep... but... Tobias kept shooting me up. And after a while I... I didn't care... I. I welcomed it." His eyes showed a momentary gleam of craving- a longing for the drug... before returning to normal. He shook his head as if to clear it, and scratched absently at the inside of his elbow.

"someone in the team messed with his plans and sent out a warning for the videos of the murders... he sort of blamed me, and beat me for a while, trying to force me to confess my sins... before throwing me back to the ground. I couldn't breathe... I... I guess I went into convulsions, or so they tell me, and then... I went limp. I died. It's funny. I have no recollection of it. No white lights or visions of dead relatives..." He smile slightly, then bit his lip- trying to keep the flood of emotions from breaking through.

"I woke up a while later after Tobias did CPR. He saved my life." Spencer stopped. tears falling on his hands despite his efforts. He cleared his throat and carried on.

"then Raphael tried to get me to choose someone from the team to die by playing some more of his favorite. Russian roulette. I refused 3 times. The chamber was empty 3 times. Then... I knew the odds were against me, so I used the opportunity to send a message to the team. The gun fired into the air after I chose. I was so... I was so scared that it would kill me. Statistics and odds can only mean so much when you have a gun in your face." Elle cocked her head to the side. She knew exactly how that felt.

"Who'd you choose?" She spoke for the first time. He raised his head.

"Hmm? Oh. Hotch. I made it a clue though. So hopefully he doesn't think... you don't think he...?" she laughed at his concerned expression. This was a glimpse of the happy go lucky genius Dr. Reid she knew and loved. But he disappeared as quickly as he'd come.

"anyway. Tobias gave me more... more dilaudid, and I'd done all I could.. I had finally given every clue I possibly could... so I gave up. Then... he heard me muttering about my mom in my sleep... about how I..." He shifted uneasily in his seat.

"sent her away. Committed her..." He said quietly.

"And he... he took off my hand cuffs... and led me outside to dig my own grave." Elle covered her mouth with her hand.

"How'd you get out of that one?"

"I... I couldn't function. My hands were numb, so he took over. He took off his jacket and... I grabbed the gun. Shot him before he could stab me. And I was there. I watched as Tobias died. I killed 2 murderers. But I also killed an innocent man caught inside his head. I couldn't save him. Then... then the team showed up. and They took me here." He wrapped it up quickly, and Elle had the distinct impression that he was glossing over something. Something that he couldn't tell the team about... She frowned at the satchel placed with his belongings beneath his bed. He couldn't have...

"That's it?" she questioned.

"Is that not enough?" He asked testily, his voice raising. She looked at him.

"Yeah. Yeah I'd say it's more then enough. I'm so sorry Reid. I should've been here for you." He shifted again.

"Yeah well. You couldn't have done anything."

"But I could've. You knew with me. You pursued me and got to the truth. I owed you that same courtesy." He smiled slightly for the first time.

"I was useless. I gave you some childish logic when you were hurting and sent you on your way."

"No. What you said helped me in some strange way... And I wouldn't have expected more from someone who'd never been in a similar situation. No one gave me better or worse advice than you."

He snorted.

"seriously. and reid. You're alive. Hold onto that. 'you won'" He glared at her.

"You did! You killed him. He' s dead, and you're right here. You beat him. You won. it's the same thing Reid. We beat our demons. We overcame them and got out of it alive. And you went through hell out there. But you're okay. Or you will be. And I know the teams proud. Worried as hell... and proud." He smiled again.

"So. Thanks for telling me. do you feel better?" He considered this for a moment.

"A little."

"that's all I'm asking for."

She stood to leave.

"I'll come see you tomorrow, okay?"

"please." He looked up at her with deep brown eyes, and she knew he'd be okay. Someday.

"I know you're in there Reid." Elle raised her fist to the door again, and knocked insistently.

"Reid! Open up!" She sighed impatiently. It had been about a month since she had last seen him- they had talked for hours at the hospital before he was released. She hadn't seen or heard from him since.

"REI-" her yell through the door was cut off as the door swung inward, Reid appeared in the gap. He looked dreadful. He was unnaturally pale, the dark circles under his eyes more prominent against his ghostly white skin. His eyes were unfocused, and his hand shook on the doorframe were it rested.

"Reid?"

""whatdyou want?" His speech was slightly slurred.

"what the hell is wrong with you?" She forced the door open and strode inside. He rolled his eyes.

"make yourself comfortable..." Reid's voice dripped with sarcasm. She turned on him, her eyes blazing.

"Reid. I can't believe you're doing this. I know it's hard, but this isn't the way to get over it!" he raised an eyebrow.

"I don't know what you're talking about." she barked out a humourless laugh.

"Don't play dumb Reid. It doesn't work for you." She paused and looked meaningfully at him. Disappointed.

"You're high." He fell onto his couch and sighed.

"I'm-I'm just..."

"Don't deny it. You've been shooting up since I left, and if you weren't high out of you're mind right now, you wouldn't have left the vial out where I could see it." He frowned as his eyes fell upon the tiny bottle on the kitchen counter.

"I... I'm sorry."

"you're sorry?" She nearly snarled at him. His head fell, his shoulders began to shake, and she spotted tears falling into his lap. Her expression softened.

"You're destroying yourself." He looked up at her, his expression now fierce.

"It's the only... the only way. I go through hell... I have nightmares. I'm... I'm drowning... and the only way I can forget is with this. And I can't resist this craving... it doesn't let up. It's awful... it makes everything blurry. It Breaks something in my mind... every time. And the team... they know. But I just-I can't quit. There's no way I can stop taking this now... and I'm- I'm an addict." He finished his speech with the admission and his eyes fell.

"reid. I understand how much you want it. I understand the need to escape the images and memories that are so potent and painful it suffocates you. I understand that terrible need to escape your own mind. To blur the edges of reality and forget. But you're going to kill yourself. And your beautiful mind. I understand more than you know. But... but you've gotta stop." Reid was crying in earnest now, a constant stream of tears staining his cheeks.

"I know."