Undo Me

by Miss Murphy's Dandy

Bella's POV as she says "I do" & a little bit of lemony fluff after the vows have been said. Lots of B&E dialog. It has been done before. But, not by me. My first story. And of course I own only the words on the page... everything else is Ms Myers.

My head felt unnaturally calm. Where was Jasper anyways? I knew deep down inside myself I was terrified. Not about saying yes to forever, but about what saying yes today would mean to my parents, what it would say about me as a human being.

I really had to stop thinking about myself like that. Like a human being. Those days were numbered.

I was anxious to be done with this. What was waiting for me on the other side was almost unbearable. He was on the other side. Even better, all of him was on the other side of this headache. I would finally be allowed to be with him. My lips turned up into a slight smile at the thought of this.

Just get through this. Smile. Be gracious. Try to look present in the moment, not dreaming of the not so distant future under the covers of his bed; imagining, longing, anticipating.

My long dark hair was tied up in a complicated knot at the base of my neck, an alice creation. The cream colored lace was heavy against my skin, but simotaiously cool and effortless. As I walked the bottom slid against the floor making a swooshing sound to accompany the music of my heals clicking against the tile. How incredibly ironic that we were in a church for this. I smiled at the almost sacrilegious implications of being here.

Alice was talking somewhere to the right of me, prattling on and on about my hair, my dress, the way I ought to stick of my chin out when I walked to really carry the presence that was "owed" to me on "my" day. But of course in reality this was their day. Edward's day. Alice's day. My parents', friends', long lost relation's. It was for them, not for me.

I reminded myself again to be gracious. To smile. I hoped that the attempt didn't come out looking marred and contorted. I let an image of him slip into my mind's eye. The copper tones of his hair, the marble smooth coldness of his skin, and his eyes. I couldn't decide if my imagined Edward should have golden eyes, or black ones. I was vacillating between the two when I felt Charlie next to me.

There were tears in his eyes.

"Aw dad. Come on. Don't get me started?" I whined with a real smile. One I hoped he would remember for the rest of his days. I lifted up my hand to wipe it away and Charlie chuckle-sobbed and was finished.

"You look beautiful. Really beautiful." He looked so proud. So torn between elation and depression. Like he knew I would be leaving soon, but could see how happy it would make me.

He handed me the lilies that I had set down on a corner table as if it was really now time. It was really happening.

I signed inwardly. I had come so quickly, and yet not near quickly enough. I could not even explain to myself the warring emotions flipping, tangling, and tumbling about in my mind.

This was going to be a long day.

There was piano playing somewhere within the walls of the cathedral. A piece Edward had written no doubt. His image reasserted itself inside my head, shoving the other convoluted thoughts somewhere else that I might deal with them later.

I noticed then that Alice was gone. Only Charlie and I were left in the vestibule. I felt my father's tug at my arm. The world unfroze. I was moving. The great doors of the church swung open. We crossed the threshold.

The sudden fear of falling dawned on me, but just like that the feeling faded. I would have to thank Jasper for that later.

Everyone was standing now. I was hard to see any one face among the throng of friends and family. Poking up above the crowd however, I could see the shiny black hair of the La Push pack. Jacob's eyes were bearing down on me. I could see the thoughts running across his eyes, "Don't do it Bells. Please wait! Please."

I cringed. I wished it didn't have to be this way. Wished that there were someway I could stop from hurting him with every step I took.

I forced my eyes forward again and took another step towards forever.

Another set of eyes met mine just then. They shot right into my soul and I wondered again if he really could read my thoughts.

They were warm and golden. Big saucers barreling right into me. Locking into my eyes and holding me there. The smile that accompanied them was astounding. Mesmerizing.

He was getting closer. Or rather I was. I reminded myself to breathe. I sent a smile back. I couldn't help it.

And then, all at once, Charlie was taking my hand and setting it ever so gently into Edwards cool palm. His grasp of it was kind and loving, yet firm. Almost possessive. I gave him a withering look, which he pretended to ignore.

I chanced a glace behind me only to see Alice all up jumping up and down with excitement. I rolled my eyes and turned back to Edward. He stole my breath again, gazing at me intently as if to hold each moment, make each moment a still frame in his head.

The gesture sent shivers up and down me, froze me in place, and set my heart into startling gallops and flutters. He smiled to hear it jump awkwardly around in my chest, like it knew it's time was coming to an end and it wanted desperately to get in and many beats as it could manage.

The rest flew by while I stood there; gawking like an idiot I'm sure. I remember the feel of the cold metal as it was transferred from Edward's coldness to my burning hand. I desperately wanted to step closer to Edward. To cool my raging fire with his icy skin.

I don't even remember saying, "I do," or "I will," though I remember the sound of the door slamming and the heart wrenching howl of the wolf just outside the church doors.

I knew it was Jacob instantaneously. Knew it deep down. Felt the salty water welling up in my eyes and hoped it would be interrupted as tears of happiness. In many ways they were.

But Edward also knew that they were tears of sadness. Tears of frustration, and stress, and the loss of a beloved friend. His eyes darkened slightly. Not in color, but in mood. I hated doing this to him. On today of all days. I mouthed, "I'm so sorry" to him. He shook his head infinitesimally. "Don't be." The look was genuine. I knew he was neither angry nor disappointed in me. But I was in me.

Only I could screw up our wedding. Only I could hurt him like this on the wedding he had waited for for over a century.

I took a deep breath. Let Jacob fall away. Let my humanity fall away. Let my lungs be filled up with Edward. With his love. The moment wasn't entirely salvaged, I knew that. But, I could see his eyes lighten, see his stance straighten.

I had a sudden epiphany. I was no longer Bella Swan. I was His Bella. I was Mrs. Edward Cullen. It startled me. Shocked me even. The pleasure of it ran through me. Finally, I was his. Finally he was mine. I remember what would be waiting for me at the end of this endless day and felt a flood of excitement and exhilaration.

"Tell me what you are thinking" Edward was whispering in my ear, his arm securely around my waist as we waited for our guests to shake each of our hands in turn. We were outside the church now. I'm convinced I was carried, as I have no recollection of taking a single step.

"I was thinking about you belonging to me," I said before I even realized it was out of my mouth.

He smiled and pulled me tighter to him. "I have always belonged to you" He said slowly, enunciating each word.

"Yes." I said in reflection "But tonight all of you will belong to me." Stressing the word all as my lips formed the word.

He chuckled somewhere near my ear. "you are so determined when you want to be"

"A deal's a deal" I said with a bit of sharpness in my voice. He was not going to deny me this.

"Yes love. A deal is a deal." But his words sounded almost sad.

"Buck up. You should be happy. You made me a Mrs. You got what you wanted"

He smiled softly at that. "Yes" the word slid across my ear like honey.

The guests were now emerging. My parents and Edwards' (not biologically speaking) came to stand on either side of us. Alice and the rest of the wedding party linked on to either end of the line.

Then came the troves of people. I could have sworn most must have been offered a substantial bribe to show. Although thinking of it, Alice was running the show; the after party celebration was probably worth it.

After an hour of hand shaking and thank you smiling I was wore out. I couldn't believe that after this I had more wedding tradition to uphold.

"How is this not over yet? I swear I have been playing bride since I woke up this morning. When will it end?" I pleaded with Edward as we walked to the reception area across the street. It was outside. The field was flooded with crazy lighting and fires and warming lamps. Music flooded the street and the dance floor was already half full.

"I was hoping that you might like playing bride just a little longer"

"I don't think they'll miss us if we don't show" I suggested coyly.

"I could play bride for you."

I stopped and made him turn to face me-looking as lustful as I was capable.

"C'on. Please?" I knew he struggled to resist my pleading.

"Bella." He looked deeply into my eyes, "A deal's a deal. You don't follow through, I don't follow through."

He sounded hopeful. Maybe even a little smug.

I deflated. Could it really be that awful to him to consummate his love with me? I reminded myself that he was just worried about me, about his control around me. It didn't make me feel any better. I analyzed him analyzing me.

He touched my cheek, running his glassy fingertips against my blushing skin, sending ripples throughout my body like I was suddenly made of water. We had had this conversation before. A thousand times over. It always ended in non-decision. Not tonight. Tonight it would end when I said so.

"Ok. Fine." I said with more anger than I realized. "I wouldn't want you to be late for the party. Let's go."

He smiled, but it was fleeting. He knew that in letting him win, I would indeed have followed through with his requests in entirety and that in turn he would need to recipricate. I knew he was secretly (or perhaps blatantly) hoping I would go forfeit the deal, but I was nowhere near slipping up when I was so close.

Alice was all excitement and joy. She lived (metaphorically speaking) for days like this. I attempted to mirror her expression but feared I had failed miserably when I heard Edward laughing softly behind me. I shoot him my best daggers for eyes look and he only laughed harder.

"Oh you just wait," I said haughtily.

"What do you think?" Alice begged me to praise her with her eyes. I wouldn't deny her. For someone who obviously held the upper hand in almost anything, she was very good at playing the innocent pixie her small frame encouraged.

"You really did it. I mean REALLY. It sure is something," I admitted.

"It's lovely," Edward assured her.

"Yeah. That too." I said with a smile.

"And you didn't even fall. I'm so proud Bella. You were beautiful and oh I just don't think I could ask for anything more." The poor thing was in deluding herself in an ecstasy of her own creation.

"You need to get out more," I said under my breath.

Edward scowled at me.

"Thank you Alice. Really. I can tell you worked really hard. And it shows. I don't deserve such… such… a wonderful thing"

Now it was Edward's turn to step in. "You deserve this Bella. You deserve so much more than this." His voice was low and creamy. Rich with sadness and self-loathing.

I took a deep breath. I married him. I finally agree to marry him, and he was going to act like this.

I turned around finding my niche in the cool smooth curve where his shoulder met his neck.

"You know what I meant. Now stop it before I take it all back."

"Good luck" He said tightening his grasp of me. "You know I'm an entirely selfish creature. I dare you to try"

I was cinched tightly between his two stony arms and his cool chest. He had his lips in my hair. That was better. That's the Edward I knew and loved.

"You too." Alice breathed softly. "Wait at least until you been here an hour before you start getting into the whole marital bliss bit. Jeeze." She said smugly as she pranced off in the opposite direction.

I stood still a moment longer, enjoying the closeness of him. He didn't want to let go. I was ecstatic.

There was a subtle click and I squinted at the bright flood of light that drenched us momentarily. Emmet was rather enjoying his role as photographer. Since he had relinquished the role of preacher to my mother's only wish- a priest (who knew she would decide to take up religion again so whole heartedly) he had been amusing himself endlessly in his new role.

"Smile" He said after the fact. "Oh yeah. That's a keeper" and he raced away to capture all the other great moments that were rushing on around us.

"My eyes," I said as he slipped away "I can't see a thing" Edward kissed my forehead.

"I'll guide you." I smiled. It was so cheesy. When had I let this happen? When did I start gasping for it like the air I desperately needed to breathe.

"Ahem. Testing." A tentative voice came crashing down on the party.

"Okay folks. I think it's about time for the father-daughter dance.

It was my mother.

"Then maybe we could do a mother-daughter dance?" She said smiling as she made up a new dance. The sappy crowd fell for it and began clapping and calling out to me in expectation.

Great. Didn't she know that I hated dancing?

But too late, I was already being pushed gently, but unyieldingly in the direction of the dance floor.

"You will pay," I whispered to the hand behind me.

"I hope so" he said.

My father looked awkward and uncoordinated. He was dreading this as much if not more than I was. We would look like two blundering buffoons stubbing around the floor, neither of us able to find the beat, but somehow finding each others' toes just moments too late.

"Sorry Bells" He said.

"Me too" I replied.

We struggled through the song, two pairs of left feet clomping along. Surprisingly, though the dance was a disparaging site, I was oddly glad for it. I hugged him when it was done and mouthed a heart-felt thanks into Charlie's ear.

"My turn" My mother was directly behind me when I turned around and I almost knocked her over, but somehow managed to only allow myself to ungracefully fall to the dirty ground. Only I never actually landed. Edward was holding me up. Where he came from I never knew- it was always that way with him- suddenly there saving me. Every time.

I could see Charlie blush as he realized that he was in catching distance himself but had failed to reach out for me.

I smiled up at Edward. "Nice save" my mother blurted out interrupting our moment and grasped my hand. Edward's hands released me, but his eyes stayed glued to mine as my mother ripped me from my haven.

"Oh honey. I feel like I haven't seen you all night. How are you sweetie? My little married daughter!" I tried to discern whether or not she had been drinking. Her sense of rhythm quickly convinced me that the open bar had been calling her name for quite some time.

I floundered to keep her unreasonable pace. We must have looked like a pair lumberjacks having seizures. I was mortified, praying the dance would end. The band seemed to pick up on this and may have skipped a chorus or two to end their jazz number more quickly.

"Ok mom. The music stopped!" I said under my breath as she continued to try to dip and spin me to and fro. And then my savior was back. He tapped softly, but with intent on Renee's shoulder.

"May I" It wasn't a question.

Renee seemed disgruntled but had to concede. There was no arguing with that face.

A look of relief washed over my face. Edward swept me up as the next song began. It was slow and peaceful. It was his lullaby for me.

"Oh Edward" My voice quivering. I could feel the stares of the crowd gathered around the floor. The looks in their eyes one of awe now. I was sure they were thinking to themselves, "If she could dance so gracefully, why on earth were the previous two numbers so dreadful." That was easy. I couldn't dance. But with Edward I didn't have to. He did all the work for me. Edward could dance. But what was there that Edward couldn't do?

We slipped easily into our own world. I loved that the most. That we could exist together and the rest would just fade into irrelevance. There was another flood of light. I looked around to see where Emmet was standing, but he was already sneaking off to the edge of the dance floor were others had begun to join in the dance. I was almost angry that they had joined in. This was Edward's song for me. Not for them. I suppose he wasn't the only possessive one.

He seemed to recognize my train of thought. His lips brushed against my ear and he swayed me back and forth. "I love you," he said. It was so throaty and soft: barely a whisper. My eyes fluttered shut and I sighed content. He let me snake my bare arms up around his neck, let my fingers toy with his copper locks, twisting and enmeshing them together and apart. Together and apart.

He pulled me in closer, tighter so that our bodies where pressed together as one being the only separation my gaudy lace and his refined tux. I wanted to be closer. I wanted to remove that last bit of distance. My heart was racing again, beating out its excitement in response to Edward's closeness. He took a deep slow breath in, taking me in with him. He sighed. I knew what was coming but I had no way of stopping it.

I pleaded, "No. Just a little longer. Hold me tight just a little longer" I was desperate for him. Desperate to be close to him.

His chin rested against the top of my head. He didn't release his hold and I smiled widely.

"You will be the death of me." It was a mantra I had heard before. I was the death of him. I was killing him. It killed him to be so close to me. So near me. He wanted my blood so bad he asked for death so as not to hurt me. The guilt welled up in me.

I stepped back slightly. Tried to let him know that it was okay. That he could push me away. He looked down at me deflated. I was trying desperately hard to smile to look unbreakable. Apparently I failed.

"I'm sorry Bella" His words so pained that they cut me like a sharp dagger.

I sent a weak smile to him. Kissed his cheek softly. "Don't be. It's my fault really"

The pain in his eyes changed to rage quickly. I knew it would. But I preferred it to the anguished puppy stare.

"This is completely on me Bella. How can you even think, for one instant that you are to blame."

"Alright." I conceded, "It's all your fault. Every last thing."

He was surprised. He hadn't expected that reaction.

"In fact." I said, hating myself a little inside for how vindictive and cutthroat I had become. "I can think of only one way for you to make it up to me."

His eyes searched mine. Pleading. "Name it" He sounded hopeless.

"Tonight." I said. "Later tonight."

His eyes narrowed only too aware now at what I was implying.

"I have been willing to be refused, rejected, and rebuked all day. In fact, for the last six months waiting. But Edward, you will give me what I need tonight. Because Edward, I need you like I need air. I need you so much I can't stand it. And I don't care what the risk is…" I trailed off my voice breaking. Damn. I was trying so hard to sound infallible. Trying so hard to be objective. Oh well. I tried.

I had come off sounding desperate and frantic. My calm and collected exterior was fading fast. I could feel the tears welling up in frustration and anger. I couldn't wait for that human weakness to be gone. Couldn't wait to be devoid of tears. I knew that every time I cried I stole a piece of his soul, took it away and burned it leaving him only the discarded pieces I did not want.

I was afraid to look. Afraid to see the damage I was causing. Were we still dancing? I realized that yes we were. It was a different song, faster. We were still swaying in time to the lullaby. Perhaps that's the only speed we could handle.

He was silent and it was driving me crazy.

"What are you thinking?" I whispered. He was still quiet.

"Edward I'm sorry. I want to take it back. But at the same time I don't want to take it back at all" I was rambling, trying to convince him to speak with out looking up.

His marbled hands found my chin and raised it up. I tried to resist. Couldn't stand the thought of him having to see me cry.

"Bella. Beautiful, sweet Bella" His voice was like a bell, musical and deep. He kissed my forehead, then my nose, my eyes and finally my mouth. He was slow with me. Gentle, deep, tender. He kept it soft and leisurely. My head was spinning into another dimension. I wasn't breathing.

I felt another flash of light as it flared red on the inside of my eyelids. I was going to have to have a talk with Emmet. He stopped. Reminded me quietly to breathe.

"You have to be patient with me." He said sorrowfully.

He continued, "I promise you that I will try. But, there will have to be some strict ground rules." He looked at me deliberately as if waiting for me to concede at least this much.

"What kind of rules" I wasn't playing fair. I knew that.

"Bella." His voice stern.

"I promise. I'll follow the rules" I felt like I was six.

He walked me off the dance floor to the dinner table. The food was lavish, especially if you weren't planning on eating any. I was going to have to have a talk with Alice too it appeared.

Sitting me in the chair next to him he sighed. He sounded exasperated.

"Alright then. Tonight." The word hung in the air ominously.

"Yes" I said curt and impatient, leaning in, bringing my face closer to his in anticipation.

"See." He said looking at me accusatorily. "That right there. That's no good" He frowned. I slunk back with a frown. He ignored me.

"I get to set the pace. And" he said stopping "I get to stop the pace at any point it becomes too dangerous. You" again looking at me with piercing eyes "need to control yourself. Be patient with me. I promise you I will do my best, but you have to be on your best behavior. When I say stop, you have to stop. Stop kissing, touching… whatever" he said the last word with finality.

I scrunched my eyebrows together unhappily.

He smiled. "Bella, I'll do my best. That's all I can promise. You have to know that your happiness is the second most important thing to me."

"Yeah. Yeah. Safety first. You're so predictable." I sighed.

He laughed.

"Can we cut the cake already? I'm ready for my end of the deal. Even if Mr Rule's himself is at the helm." I whined.

"I'll go check with Alice"

We were in the Volvo. It felt weird now that we were away from everyone that we were both so ridiculously dressed.

"I'm so ready to be out of this thing" I said condescendingly to my dress.

"Have I told you how beautiful you look in it by the by?" Edward asked.

"Only a million times" I said exasperated.

He smiled "You look so incredibly beautiful in the dress. Thank you Bella for marrying me"

"a million and one." I smiled back.

"And ditto." I added.

"Ditto? Really that's your response"

"What, you need it spelled out?"

"I think it's nicer that way." The smile plastered on his statuesque face.

"Fine," I leaned over so my lips were mere centimeters from his ear. "I am so glad you asked me to marry you and that you let me be your wife. I'm the happiest woman in the world." And then I kissed the space right below his ear.

I heard the engine roar and he pressed the gas pedal down farther. Objects out the window swam by in a blur of darkness and lights.

I had asked that we not go far for the honeymoon. I didn't want to have to wait any longer than I needed to. The lights of Port Angeles were coming into view.

The inn was rustic and touristy, but it was late in the session, nearly September so it was relatively quiet.

"I should have changed before we got here." I muttered. "Here if you reach back and undo the buttons I can change in the car"

"Bella. We have the honeymoon sweet, no one is inside save the concierge and I'm pretty sure he already knows. Acturally, let me revise that, I know he already knows. And besides, I will not have you changing out here in the parking lot."

"If there is no one here, what's the big deal?" I countered.

"Bella." I heard the whine in his voice. Okay it wasn't a whine. He probably couldn't whine if he tried. His voice sounded even and calm, but I knew that underneath there was a whine that only I could hear. I enjoyed that, that piece of him that only I could get.

"Sometimes you can be so miserable." I replied.

He looked wounded.

"Oh come on. Edward, I'm only teasing. Don't look so sad. You know how that just eats me up"

"You are the most dangerous creature.." He muttered letting the sentence trail off.

The room was lovely. I could tell by Edward's appraisal of it that it was sub par to his standards, but he quickly tried to hide this when he saw how much it pleased me.

I rushed around the room, opened the door so that the sound of the ocean could join us. I touched the walls, the bed, the paintings on the wall. I was ecstatic. I had been waiting for so long.

I glanced over at Edward. He looked worried and tense. This was hard for him. I tried to ignore the sense of sympathy and rushed into me. I would not concede. We would do this. I smiled in spite of myself and ran into the bathroom yelling "Human moment!"

I let my hair out of it's knot and worked strategically at my gown. I had it off and flung it into the bathtub. Underneath the dress I was wearing a new, and mildly scandalous underwear set. I was suddenly nervous. I took several deep breaths with my hand on the door. It was silent on the other side.

I stepped out hesitantly. Looking though my hair I spotted him staring out into the dark ocean. His jacket was off and the tie discarded. His feet were bare. But otherwise he was completely dressed.

I felt naked. What would he think? I knew he knew I was out of the bathroom, his hearing and smell would know me instantaneously.

I walked as soundless as I could until I was almost directly behind him. I could see now that his eyes were closed and his breathing practiced. I slid my hand into his. He squeezed mine, still facing the ocean, eyes tightly shut.

I stood there with him for what seemed like an hour. It was so quiet. All but my heart pounding out over the oceans drone,

"I want this to go right. So badly. Bella I want nothing more than to give you this."

Did I hear a "But" coming. I bit my lip and concentrated on my breathing.

"Are you sure?" He asked in desperation through his teeth.

I took a steadying breath.

"No. Edward I'm not sure. I know I want this. But I don't want to put you through whatever this is to you. A curse. A punishment. A vow you refuse to break for my sake. I want you to want me too. I want you to need this the way I do. I want… I want" and again I felt the floodgates open. When would I stop? I forced my self to focus on the ocean and breathing in and out. Keep the tears at bay I repeated in my head over and over again.

He was looking at me. Staring into me. I knew that with out looking. Don't cry. Don't' cry I said again and again in my own head, thankful once again that he couldn't hear it.

"I do." He said softly. "More than you know." He sounded beaten.

He led me over to the bed and set me so delicately on the edge. I was still repeating my new mantra- don't cry. Don't cry.

His thumb grazed my right shoulder I could feel his breath on my forehead. His hands were shaking. I looked up at him, confused and absorbed.

"So beautiful. So Bella," He paused. Hesitant. "You remember the ground rules?" He asked. His voice was shaking too.

"You can't hurt me" I said it meekly, but I meant it as encouragement. He whipped around grabbed the nearest thing: an iron coat rack and snapped it in half like it was a dried out twig.

"Can't hurt you?!" It was not a yell, but he meant it as one. "Don't you understand Bella? And I'll tell you what, that coat rack doesn't smell nearly as good as you do. Doesn't taste NEARLY as good as I bet you taste. I take that back, as good as I KNOW you taste." He was storming.

I tried to set things right.

"I understand the ground rules" I said staring into his golden eyes.

He took a steadying breath.

"You have no idea what you do to me, do you?"

"Show me."

He laughed. But not because what I said was funny.

"Too breathy. You're already breaking the rules"

I let my jaw drop and protested, "that wasn't part of the rules!"

"Well it is now." He was serious.

"Fine." My voice as flat as I could make it. Petulant even.

"Fine." Now it was his voice that was husky.

His thumb touched my shoulder lightly. He let it slide under the strap of the white bra. " You are so beautiful"

"I'm sure you are too. If only I could see you." I huffed annoyed. Definitely not breathy.

He laughed again. This time because it was funny.

"Okay" He said as his fingers leapt up to the buttons of his crisp white shirt.

"May I" My fingers were already working along side his.

"Ground rules." His voice firm and strained.

I let my fingers drop to my sides, my face pouty. He let his own fingers drop.

"Okay. But remember." I smiled and let my fingers glide up the shirt to the collar; I let them dance back down to the top button. His breathing was tight and measured.

My breath sucked in as I slowly revealed his chest. He slid his arms out and stood completely still. He was too tall. I slide my legs beneath me on the bed so I could balance on my knees. I wanted to touch him so badly. My fingers were working on their own accord. His eyes followed them. I could hear a soft growl come to his lips.

I looked up at him expectantly. He nodded a quick but weary consent. His own arms hung against his side, his fists balled up, his breathing ragged.

"You can touch me if you want to" I whispered. Afraid to speak any louder as it was so quiet. It may have sounded mildly breathy. He stopped breathing. I didn't worry. That was ok, All the better really. Then he wouldn't smell me so much and we might get somewhere.

He hesitated, but eventually his hands found the skin on my shoulders, my back, my neck, my abdomen. His fingers stayed safely away from my chest. Anywhere but there. His frosty skin burned wherever it touched. I was on fire again. I begged for his coldness. I leaned in to him. Ran my hands across his bare skin, wanted to touch and be touched, leave no land un-traveled. I mapped his skin as I went, memorizing each turn and flat plain. Worshiping them each in turn.

I leaned in closer still and let my lips kiss his cool smooth chest. He sucked in a quick breath.

"Slow the pace" each word flat and heavy.

My fingers stopped moving, but I left my lips there, waiting for the go ahead. His hands began to travel across my back again and took that to mean full speed ahead. The tension in him increased. I could feel the word of resistance begin to form in his mind, in his body. I reach up, as far and I could extend and found his lips, praying that if they were preoccupied I would have more time.

It was just a peck at first. But he let me in, let my tongue slide along his lower lip, let me search along his teeth. He was holding his breath again. Just a small while longer I thought. His hands made my skin tingle everywhere, it no longer belonged to me. It was his.

He was kissing me back, not with fury and passion, but with something very close to it. He deepened the kiss, and his hand slipped farther down my back, pulling me in, pulling me closer. I could feel him against me and I suddenly felt hot and tight in between my legs. The tension was dragging me away from my own mind. Clearing it, emptying it.

I reached back behind me wanting to give him more skin to touch. I unclasped my bra and worked to pull it off. I don't think he realized at first. In fact I'm sure of it, because, as soon as he did, his lips left my own. I continued to kiss his neck. His voice ragged and uneven, "stop." It was not a command. Barely a request. The tension inside me pushed me further, but I knew the ground rules. I stopped.

His hands were still resting against my lower back, my arms entangled around his neck, my breath coming quickly against his neck. But I didn't move except to breathe.

His eyes were closed again.

"What are you thinking?" I asked. I hoped I already knew. I hoped he was thinking of me. Only me. That I flooded his mind, as he flooded my consciousness.

"I was thinking" he stopped momentary, trying to clear his head I assumed.

"I was thinking that I was supposed to set the pace. Based on our pre-established ground rules."

"You were going too slow" I was petulant again.

He took a deep breath and looked down at me. I hoped that he liked what he saw. His breathing was far from calm, but I felt steady hands reach toward my shoulders and lay be backwards on the bed. My eyes widened in shock and exhilaration. He stepped back from the bed.

"Bella" He stopped short. What was he thinking?

"Oh Bella. You undo me."

Then keeping his eyes glued to me he unbelted his pants and let them fall to the ground. He stepped out of them and walked back to the bed, controlled. Slower than usual for him.

All that remained between us were our undergarments.

He came to rest on top of me. A smile now across his face. "I didn't think we'd ever get this far" He sounded proud and excited.

I smiled back, my breathing shaky. Our chests were touching now, my burning skin against his cool embrace. The coldness sent goose bumps across my skin.

"Are you cold?"

"I've never been so hot" I smiled.

He looked down at my chest and back into my eyes, as if looking for granted permission in them.

"Yes." I said. "Please, Edward. Touch me, please." I said both calm and smooth. I surprised myself, I was feeling neither calm, nor smooth.

He was cautious and tentative at first. Slow, barely their touches graced my body. I sighed contented. This was all I ever wanted. And I wanted it forever.

"Just feel" He said as I reached up to touch him. He used one hand to hold my arms above my head. His lips moving ever closer to my skin. My breathing was anything but calm and smooth. My heart was thumping so loudly in my own ears I wondered how he could stand it.

His fingers and tongue traced patterns across my skin. The tension inside me became unbearable. I pressed my hips frantically against his.

"Edward" Was all I could say. My mind was blank save that one word.

"Stop" he said. His lungs were not moving air.

It was harder this time than before. I wanted him so badly.

"Bella. I don't know how much more I can take." He sounded disgusted. My arms were still constrained above my head. I could not reach out to him.

"Whatever you think is best" I managed to crock out. Not even believing the words myself.

Edward laughed. He saw right through me.

"If you could just tell your heart to stop beating so fast. So loud. So strong. If you could just tell you body to not set off such an amazing smell. God Bella. I could eat you up. I want to so badly."

He had never been so candid. I should have been scared. I knew he wanted me to be. But I couldn't bring myself to be. The only thought in my head was sympathy for him.

"Edward I'm so sorry. We can stop. I promise I mean it."

"But I promised. I meant that too. Just give me a minute." His eyes focused on mine. He released my arms from above my head. "Make that two. God your beautiful" and then he got up, and practically ran to the deck.

Lying half naked on the bed I felt exposed and alone. "I told you to nock it off." I thought at my heart. "this is all your fault. Now cool it"- screaming in my own head. I took several slowing breaths.

I wrapped a throw from the chair around me and made my way out behind him. I had given him his two minutes. We didn't have to have sex, but Lord help me I was not going to stay in a bed by myself on my wedding night.

I stood behind him again. Slowly, timidly I wrapped my arms around him. I couldn't see his face. I hoped it was smiling.

His left arm found me and pressed me closer to him.

"Your so warm and perfect and… God Bella. You undo me."

"I wish you would undo me" I said to be funny. He laughed and everything seemed lighthearted and wonderful again. It would happen another night. I was okay with that. We had come along farther that I expected. Not nearly as far as I had hoped and prayed, but certainly farther than I expected.

"Lets just go back to bed now." I said with a smile. "No funny stuff either. Just sleeping. For me anyways"

He nodded but remained rooted in place. I waited. Looking up expectantly for him to turn and move back into the room. Was I holding my breath again? I wondered again what he was thinking.

Then, in a whirl I was up in his arms and he was carrying me back to the bed. I clung to him and snorted stunned. He was at my throat, kissing, licking, sucking. At my breast. I felt him whisk my underwear off my hips, felt him squirm to remove his own. The bed was beneath me then. The tension was back.

He was more savage than before, there was a focus in his eyes that had not been there before. His hands were everywhere at once. My breathing was loud and uneven. I was gasping for air, for him.

"Edward." My hips rising to meet his. His body on top of mine. Icy, hard, and pressing at the epicenter of my heat. He was suddenly inside me. It was cold and steely and painful and good. I let out a gasp and he slowed his movements. His eyes bore into my own. "Is this okay?" He asked. I had no words, but nodded my head stupidly up and down my grasping his long sleek back. Trying to hold on, to keep up.

I felt my own hips moving in time with his. And who said I had no rhythm? The rhythm was everything, my heart beat to it, my head sung with it, my breath staggered and raced with it. When he sped, I sped. Everything inside of me sped. My fingers digging in, holding on as tightly as I could. The rhythm was more narrow now, like a triangle coming to a sharp point, everything was closing into the small space. It didn't feel like it could all fit. The strings were so tight, rigged to snap.

And then I heard my name, spoken softly but fevered.

"Bella"

And my world smashed through the point- flooded into my veins my muscles my core being. I was shaking in pleasure and release. He was everywhere inside and around me. He convulsed against me letting out a held breath. He was shaking now too, quivering in an attempt to keep his weight off of my body. He was heavy as stone. Cold and smooth. Hard lines. I attempted to slow my breathing. Let my fingers run up and down his long narrow back. His eyes were still on me. He kissed my nose delicately.

"Thank you" I said.

He smiled, "A deal's a deal"

I tangled my legs with his as he rolled to his side, propping his head against his left palm. Still facing each another I reached up to touch his cheek, "you undo me" I said slowly, enunciating each word.