Title: 5 Times Kurt Punched Puck In The Dick
Author: rakushi
Rating: T / PG-13
Characters: Kurt, Noah (Puck), Beiste, Beth, O/Cs, others mentioned [pre-slash to established P/K]
Genre: Humor, General, Family, Romance, Future!Fic
Warnings: future fic, dick punching
Spoilers: season 1, some season 2
Disclaimer: Not mine. There'd be continuity if it was. ;) Just sayin'!
A/N: I wanted to do a plus one, I really did! But I couldn't. Maybe it'll get added on at a later date. Who knows?
Summary: Five times Kurt (justly) punched Puck in the dick. Because really, have you seen the boy's guns?
Word Count: 1,617
Prompt: 5 Times prompt via LJ Puckurt fic meme (community. livejournal . com / puckurt/970926 . html?thread =21771694#t21771694 : Five times Kurt punched Puck in the dick. Non-accidentally. It is not sexy in any way. Neither of them have a dickpunching fetish.)
1: Fourth Grade (9 y/o)
Noah Puckerman and Kurt Hummel first met on the blacktop when they were in fourth grade. A group of them were playing soccer and Kurt asked to join. Noah made fun of his clothes and said only boys could play on his team because Kurt had obviously "caught the cooties from the girls." Kurt yells that he's mean and he'll be sorry, red spots rising in his cheeks, making Noah and the other boys laugh.
Kurt's team crushes them by 5 goals in 10 minutes. Noah cockily tells him he's lucky they went easy on the girl team because "that's what you kick like, even if you pretend to be a boy."
Kurt punches him in crotch and stomps away, leaving him whimpering on the ground.
2: Seventh Grade (12 y/o)
It's a short exchange in the hallway. It's Kurt's birthday and he's wearing a tiara to school. Puck snatches it off Kurt's head and holds it above his own. He's had a growth spurt over break and wants to lord it over his favorite pick-on target.
Kurt takes advantage of the newfound height to show him the new Tae Kwan Do punch he mastered over the same break. This time Puck just curls over on himself, arms around his stomach, while Kurt swaggers away, readjusting his tiara and smirking to himself.
3: Tenth Grade/Sophomore Year (16 y/o)
It's after practice and Puck's having a shitty day. He's knocked up his best friend's girl and she won't even let him try to be there for his baby. He's gonna damn well try because even if she doesn't want him, he wants his kid. He looks up to see Hummel standing at the door to the parking lot waiting for a lightening of the rain. He smirks to himself.
He can't really slushie the new kicker at the moment because the cafeteria's closed, and he's definitely not tossing him in dumpster since they actually need him to be unhurt for the next game. He outright grins and decides to go for the next best thing.
He pushes Kurt out into the pouring rain. The countertenor squawks loud and indignantly, turning back to glare at the laughing jock from under rain soaked bangs. Puck's actually pointing at him while he laughs like a hyena. Kurt throws his bag at him, stunning the taller boy into catching it.
And promptly punches him low on the stomach.
Well, he thought he had. The air whooshing out of Puck's lungs and the pained, soprano yelp tells him otherwise. He catches his falling bag from limp arms and stomps (read: splashes) to the covered bus stop on the other side of the lot to wait for his dad. He'd rather not be around when Puck recovers from that one.
4: Twelfth Grade/Senior Year (18 y/o)
"Noah, I swear to God, let me go!
"Not until I leave a mark," comes the muffled reply from somewhere on Kurt's neck. Kurt struggles (half-heartedly) against his boyfriends ministrations, already at his wits end with keeping a reign on his moans. Puck bites him on his pulse point, making him knock his head on the locker behind him.
"Coach Sylvester will kill me if I go back out there with a hickey on my neck!" A hard suck makes him lose concentration and moan, the sound bouncing in the empty locker room despite the cheering crowd outside. There are 4 minutes left in the last quarter, McKinley is winning by six touchdowns and Beiste is aiming for defense the rest of the game, so neither of them are worried about missing anything important.
So when the door to the field opens 3 rows over and Kurt sees the arena lights flooding the ceiling along with Beiste's bellow of "PUCKERMAN! ON THE FIELD!" he does the only logical thing to get them both out of trouble.
Beiste rounds the lockers to find her wide receiver hunched over, groaning, and being helped to a bench by his cheerleader boyfriend. She notes the pained, flushed face, sweaty forehead, and stomach cradling before turning a suspicious eye to the Co-Head Cheerio. "What's going on?"
Kurt gives her an apologetic smile, rubbing Noah's mohawk as he leans over with his head between his knees. "He wasn't feeling that well last night and refused to admit to it." Kurt shrugs slightly and gives an exasperated glance at the moaning jock before looking back at the coach. "I guess it caught up to him. I found him in a stall a few minutes ago." He scrunches up his nose at the "memory" of doing so.
Beiste nods, expression still suspicious but resigned to not sending out her first-string. She points at Kurt, "Fine, but make sure he gets back out there at the end of the game for the shake, got it?" Kurt nods emphatically, still rubbing Noah's hair.
As soon as Beiste is gone, Kurt's on his knees in front of the bench. "I am SO sorry I had to do that!"
Puck looks at him in disbelief, still cupping his dick to try make sure his balls don't fall off or invert into a vagina. "What do you mean you had to? You could've warned me, Hummel!" Kurt rolls his eyes.
"Like you can fake sick well enough to fool Beiste in 3 seconds flat."
"Yeah, but did you have to try and punch my dick off?"
"I could only do a downward punch since you're wearing your cup. Be happy I didn't try and knee you."
Puck just groans again and drops his head. "You are SO making this up to me."
Kurt sighs and rolls his eyes. "Fine, all you can eat waffles after the game. Am I forgiven?"
Puck just glares at him.
5: Some Years Later (early 30s)
Kurt squirmed on the dining room table, pinned underneath Noah and panting hard. Noah was currently trying to simultaneously remove his shirt and prove he was part vampire.
A normal day occurrence.
Except for the fact that the kids would be home soon and Kurt would prefer not to have them walk in on that. "No-aaaahh! The kids -!"
"Are at school. Relax, hun," he murmured into Kurt's clavicle.
Kurt shoved at him futilely, trying again. "The kids will be home from school soon!" Or at least that's what went through his head, because his mouth (the traitor) only let out a deep "Nnnnuuguuhhh!" as he arched on the mahogany. Noah had abandoned his neck for his stomach and chest when he heard the sound of a car door closing in the driveway.
'Well, fuck.'
Beth Corcoran opened the door loudly, keys jingling and talking to her aunt over her shoulder; Normal for the weekend. Her little brother pushed past to race down the hall to his room, making flying noises for the Jetstream toy in his hand, also normal. Tossing her bag and coat on the couch with Eliza's, Beth turned to see her papa peeling oranges at the kitchen/dining island. Again, also normal. Not normal was seeing her dad curled up on the dining room floor, moaning. Both girls stopped and stared at the sight.
"Uhhh…papa? Why is daddy curled up on the floor?" Beth asked, glancing at Kurt and then back to her father, missing the embarrassed flush rising on his face.
Kurt cleared his throat and picked up another orange to peel for Zach. "Oh, he walked into the corner of the table again," he answered, looking up to see Beth wince in sympathy and Eliza looking at him with the Hummel 'stop BS-ing' expression on her face. He blushed harder and went back to peeling. "Beth, can you go make sure Zach changes out of his school clothes before he gets marker all over them again?" Beth nodded, still looking at her dad, and walked down the hall to do as asked.
Seriously, none of them wanted to go through The Marker Incident again.
Eliza slid onto the island barstool to look Kurt full in the face. "Mom and dad texted me to make sure you guys come to dinner. Finn's bringing a date so you have to help me tease him." Kurt nodded and started separating orange slices on the plate in front him.
"You two were having sex on the table, weren't you?"
Kurt's head shot up, "ELIZABETH HUMMEL!"
Eliza held up her hands defensively, innocent face on, "What? I'm not Beth!" She pointed at him, "As your sister I'm allowed to ask you these things!" Kurt covered his face and pointed down the hall.
"Go help your niece or something, please, so we can at least make part of the hockey game before dinner," he begged. His sister huffed and hopped down to leave.
"ZACH! COME GET YOUR BARBIES OUT OF MY BED!"
"But they're taking a nap u'til Optemus saves t'em!"
"Then get Optimus and make him get them out of my bed!"
Kurt pulled open the freezer and pulled out the bag of frozen edamame. He kneeled next to Noah and held the bag over his shoulder. At this point he was just sulking on the floor more than anything else. His tanned hand reached up and took the bag, pressing it gingerly to his crotch and hissing in pain. Kurt rested his head on his palm, looking at the giant baby he called a husband. "So how many times has it been that I've punched you in the crotch?"
Noah glared at him over his shoulder, "I dunno. Lost count after elementary school." Kurt chuckled and sighed, grinning.
"Ah, the good ole days."
Noah snorted and laid his head back down. "Speak for yourself."