One Million Tears

by Ani Peachy Plumstar

Hazel has always loved her best friend, but what would she do, if one day, He was suddenly gone?

I was trying to make sense of what he was saying, like he didn t even care that he was hurting me, he kept saying I can t do this anymore I m living a lie His words were typed in blood red font and they stared me in the face,
"Hazel, this is it, I want to die, and I will die, I have a hunch as to where my father keeps his.." .
How can he do this? My mind was frantic as I tried to think, He seemed so happy today at school ..
Oh GOD!
Happier than he had in weeks!
He had already made up his mind! I started to panic, because Quinn wasn t the type of person to joke about serious matters like this, this was bad.
"I'm on my way"

I typed quickly and reached for my phone getting ready to dial 911, but quickly rethought, if they got there before me he would know that I had called and they would surely take him away to a mental hospital.
Surely, he would hate me. So I threw myself at my keys and headed to my car, not bothering to put my seat belt on, I slammed the gas and darted down the road pushing my poor little Honda to reach the fastest it could go.
I turned on to Cherry, and threw my car in to park before it was completely stopped. I jumped out not even making sure my car was stopping. With tears streaming down my face I raced up the stairs to the front door and threw myself in to it with no avail. He had locked the doors. OH GOD! I prayed that I wasn t too late, I shoved the thought violently from my mind as I threw his mother s garden gnome through the front room window, surely he heard that and would come down the stairs then I heard the music,
hard, heavy and loud, he wouldn t hear! OH GOD! I climbed through the window ignoring the cuts I was getting on my hands and all over my body as I pulled myself in, the pain was terrible but I ignored it. I ran limping up the stairs to his room. His familiar Do not Enter sign meaning nothing to me as I shouldered in to the door, knowing it would be locked. Nothing. I pounded on the door with my fists, screaming at the top of my lungs Let me in, Quinn,
It s me! Come on baby let me in! He couldn t hear me! I ran to the next room down, his brother s room ,his brother was a known criminal, surely there would be something to break down a door . I looked around, YES! A crow bar! I grabbed it and raced back to his door prying at the lock and the hinges not sure what would break first. Then with a snap, the door broke, I kicked it open I tried to assess the situation as I stepped in how bad was it really? OH GOD!
Bad.
I froze. A scream building in my throat as I watched as everything happened in slow motion. He had headphones on, on top of the music that was blaring from the stereo,his back was to me and the gun he held in his hand was pointed at his head. I screamed NO! QUINN! DON T! as I stepped forward, he placed it in his mouth and pulled the trigger. I couldn t close my eyes in time, the damage had been done. I watched as the top of his head exploded, as the gore hit the walls, as a layer of my best friend s blood covered my face and my body, his blood now mingling with my own. I watched as his body fell back and then lay in a bloody pool on the floor. Then the screaming started. My screams were rising from me as I ran to his body, crying and screaming at the same time, I lifted his head in to my lap, not caring that his head was ripped to shreds and it was now leaving chunks on my once blue jeans, I pulled my phone out of my pocket trying not to think about his blood on my hands and dialed 911.
Hello, 911 what is your emergency? MY FRIEND! I screamed, HE S SHOT HIMSELF! COME QUICKLY, PLEASE! I begged, sobbing out the words. I could hear the hysteria in my voice, I couldn t believe this was happening Maybe It wasn t?
Calm down ma am how do you know this? Where are you now? she asked calmly I M HERE! IN HIS ROOM! I was too late! I whimpered and I heard her gasp, and then say Okay, I m sending them now, I see that you are on cell phone, the GPS has given me your location, stay on the line with me, I want you to get out of that room, and I CAN T LEAVE HIM! I screamed, NO, I CAN T LEAVE HIM! A new wave of tears started and I hung up the phone.
I held him to my chest and started to rock him, He was getting cold and the color was leaving his face. I was cold too,
my whole body had gone numb, I felt sick and I wanted to throw up, but I couldn t leave him, not like this. I had failed him in not noticing, in not getting here in time, staying was the least I could do I knew he was unhappy, his family was terrible to him, but I hadn t realized he would go to this extreme. I then heard shouting, and I was sure they could hear me screaming my sobs. Then two police officers came bounding up the stairs, turning in to the room, guns drawn, I heard one say,
DEAR GOD! Get her out of here! but to me the words had no meaning I had no clue how to string a sentence together. All I knew was I had to protect Quinn, so I just kept rocking absently, my hand stroking his bloody face.
She s in shock, I wonder how long she s been here? once again no meaning behind the words. He spoke again.
Was he talking to me? I looked up, I could see from his face that he was concerned but the words he spoke I didn t understand. He watched my frantic expression as he tried to move my dead friend s body from my arms, I held tighter.
I watched the other cop go in to the hall, his hand covering his mouth, he looked green. When he returned he brought with him a lady dressed in dark blue uniform, she had one arm behind her back. She said to me in a friendly voice, as if she were talking to a baby,
We are here to help, I m so sorry for what you have endured today . She trailed off and put the hand that was behind her back next to my arm, she was holding something but I couldn t see what. I felt a sharp pain and then my arm started to feel numb, but I didn t care, I held on to him with my other arm. My eyes started to droop and I was getting weak. I stopped screaming, I hadn t realized I still was, and then I was dead too.
When the darkness faded away, I could see him! Quinn, he was here! It was all a dream, it was a terrible, terrible dream and now I was awake! I ran to him and threw my arms around his neck and kissed him hard, the way I had always dreamed, now seemed appropriate.
But it was all wrong, I couldn t feel him. He smiled at me as I pulled back, I was confused. It hit me then, the nice lady had stabbed me, I was numb, but there was a fact I was missing. I didn t care what the fact was, I was just so grateful that he was alive. I wondered what on earth had made my mind conjure up such viciously vivid pictures of him laying there his head in my lap, the back of his head a gaping hole, I shuddered. He held me tightly and whispered in my ear,
Oh Hazel, if I would have known that you were coming I wouldn t have done it, I didn t think you were really going to come, either way I figured it would be done by time you got there, the doors would be locked so you couldn t see me, I never imagined you loved me so much you d break in without a second thought. What was he saying? How did he know about my dream? If I would have known, I wouldn t have done this to you. Done what to me? What was he talking about? He pulled back from me, and looked at me with longing eyes, I m so sorry, Hazel, I loved you too. Then he started to walk away from me, I reached for his hand but my hand went right through him, shocked I fell to my knees, and I began to feel pain, pain in my heart, pain in my arms and legs. Suddenly I was in his room again just like in my dream, his head was in my lap I could see the blood on my own hands, and the horrible mess that was in my lap, I could hear my screaming as I rocked back and forth again this time it wasn t as real it didn t seem as real because I still couldn t feel, I couldn t feel how cold he was getting but last time I could, last time I could, last time I could? ..OH GOD!
I woke up screaming and thrashing but I was being held down but no hands were visible, and the hold was so tight.
I screamed louder when I realized that I didn t recognize my surroundings, I screamed but no words could be formed,
Help me! I was trying to scream but, I couldn t remember how to form words. Finally someone walked in, she was holding a needle and she looked like she had an intention to use it on me, I fought against my invisible restraints with little reward. She looked at me and then called for someone by the name of Mary. When Mary walked in the lady holding the needle asked her,
Why won t she stop screaming? with a hint of annoyance in her voice and on her face, but it was completely washed away when, Mary responded sharply,
She watched her best friend shoot himself in the mouth yesterday. She has every right to scream. She said in a weak voice as she wiped a tear away from her eye. OH GOD!
OH GOD! It was true, he was dead. OH GOD! I stopped screaming and just started to cry, I tried to lift my hands but they too were bound tightly at my sides, I didn t bother with a struggle I just wept. The lady named Mary beckoned for the other girl to follow her, and they both left. The woman with the needle seemed to forget its purpose as she left, I wished that she would come back and like the nice lady from the dream, it had to be a dream, and send me in to oblivion. I wasn t ready to be awake, I couldn t handle this But I wasn t awake, I was still dreaming, these thoughts couldn t be true! I was dreaming, that happens sometimes right?
You know you re dreaming while you re dreaming, still it seems real though you know it isn t ..Right? I willed myself to wake up. I couldn t. The annoyed lady from earlier, came back in to the room, she looked apologetic.
Do you need anything? Are you hungry? Thirsty? Anything? I looked at her for what seemed like forever.
She was pretty and she looked tired she had bags under her eyes. Wow, this was a vivid dream.
I m still dreaming, I replied Can you help me wake up? I don t want to dream this dream anymore. She seemed surprised by the calmness of my words, a flash of an emotion, sympathy? flashed in her eyes.
I...I don t I can t , she stuttered and trailed off she seemed to be choking on words.
Then she turned on her heal and left, muttering something under her breathe that sounded like denial .
I didn t know what that meant or even if I was meant to hear it, I tried to relax; I would wake up in time.
This nightmare couldn t possibly last much longer; the night had to be coming to an end.
Soon my alarm clock would blare in my ear and I would mechanically go through my morning routine,
shower, dress in to the first clothes I touched, then head down stairs to eat, then back up to brush away the evidence.
A very boring routine, but I now longed for it, it would mean that I could go to school and tell Quinn what a crazy dream I had had about him. I almost chuckled, thinking about what he would say,
Trying to kill me off in your dreams again, Hazel? He would laugh lightly and then he would ask me if I had finished the Biology homework, and if he could copy it quickly. I would watch him as he leaned over the paper, wishing that I could tell him how I felt about him. I had known him since I was just little, our moms had been best friends since high school, and we had always been together. When I had turned fifteen I had realized how madly in love with him I was, and that I could never tell him, surely he would laugh, and ask if I was high, or something to that degree. I could never tell him how much I love him. I would watch his hair fall in his eyes and he would jerk his head back suddenly to move it.
Suddenly, my dream- daydream turned in to his bedroom with me on the floor, his bloody, mangled head in my lap, my face splattered with his blood and my clothes, once colorful, now red, blood red. NO, NO, NO!
I don t want to see this again! I had dreamed it once not again! My eyes snapped open and I started to scream,
only this time I screamed words. I screamed words that I didn t even understand; I didn t know what they meant.
OH GOD! IT WAS MY FAULT, OH DEAR GOD HELP ME! I COULDN T HELP; I COULDN T HELP! I COULDN T GET THERE IN TIME! OH DEAR GOD LET ME WAKE UP! It was then that the woman who was not named Mary came back in, the needle in her hand.
She whispered something but I couldn t hear her over my cries, and once again I felt the sharp pinch as she shoved the needle in to my arm, I felt the heaviness, as the drug spread through my veins I was slipping in to a darkness, oblivion, my sweet oblivion,
I welcomed it, and I prayed that I would die and this is how it would be.
Not heaven, not hell, just beautiful nothingness, a black hole.
I woke to pain, frustratingly far away pain. When I opened my eyes,
I wasn t sure how long I had been floating in the nothingness, days, weeks, months,
I gulped, years? I must have been incapacitated for a while because I was now in another room,
on what must have been a different bed. I wasn t being held down. I tried to find the source of the pain that had woken me. I lifted one hand and looked at it, there was blood, my stomach lurched, and I looked away not caring what had happened to my hands, I wondered, has the sight of blood ever made me squemish before?.
I wasn t being held down anymore so I tried to sit up. I was so weak,
when was the last time I had actually moved? Finally I managed to sit up, my head spun, I was so confused I couldn t remember what I dreamed of but I remembered that it was terrible. How could a mind be so vile?
I pulled my knees to my chest and sat on the bed resting my chin on them. I winched at a dull pain in my stomach as my thighs pressed up against it, and lowered my legs to lift up my shirt, I had deep gashes along my mid section, there was blood there too, not as fresh as the blood on my hand but enough to make me gag,
So I looked away. For the first time, I looked around me and took in my surroundings. I was on a bed, with generic wooden head and foot boards, very plain, with white sheets and light blue and pink blankets, light from many washes I d guess. I looked around the room and seen that there, in the other corner of the room was another bed the same as the one I was on, and in between was a sink and two shelves meant for personal items clearly. Above the sink was a space meant for a mirror but the mirror had been taken out and it made the room look very desolate and depressing. The walls were brick and I realized that everything was very institutional, but I had no clue where I was, nor the slightest idea of why.
I looked at my bloody hands again, trying not to think of the red sticky substance as blood, I seen that I must have gotten gashes in my palms in the past few days. I could see new marks, I must have been tense in drug induced sleep because my nail marks were what caused my new bleeding, I must have been squeezing my hands in to fists very hard, because I also had blood and bits of my scabs under my fingernails. My eyes trailed up my arms where similar gashes were covering my arms they were deep and jagged like broken glass had been dragged along my arms, similar to my stomach. My legs had it too. What the HELL had happened to me? My mind was so foggy,
the drugs no doubt, but shouldn t I remember something? The last thing I actually remember happening was I came home from school, parking my car out front of my parents house, and then it seemed that I had no idea what actually happened I remember knowing that I was dreaming but what was the dream? It was vicious and terrible, but what?
I looked to the door and seen that facing my door there was another room with a bed in the same spot as mine.
I decided to find people, maybe someone I knew, maybe someone could tell me why I had these gashes and why I was here.
I tried to stand, gingerly; ready to fall on to the bed the moment my knees gave in, surprisingly they held me. Okay,
I thought, here goes nothing. I walked to the door and saw that to my right there was a bathroom right in between the two rooms, and to my left an open area, there were tables scattered here and there and a little area where comfortable looking chairs were snuggled in to a cozy little semi circle. In the middle of the open area, there was a desk and a lady who looked nice standing next to it taking a woman s blood pressure. She looked up at me, stared, then her face broke in to a smile and she said,
Hi, Hazel, I m Joann, after I m done with Naomi here I ll get your vitals and then we ll see about getting your cuts cleaned up alright? she was a bigger woman but she was pretty, her short hair was blonde and the back was spiky, like a pixie cut but the front was longer and it was tucked behind her ears as she took Naomi s pulse then her temperature. I stood there awkwardly, waiting; when she walked over to me she had her stethoscope and the blood pressure cuff. She motioned to a chair and for me to sit, I did, and she wrapped the cuff around my arm being very careful with my cuts and scrapes.
How did you sleep? she asked with a grin, You ve been sleeping straight for 24 hours, I was starting to wonder what they gave you at the hospital. Her grin melted away You look confused though, what do you remember? Her eyes looked sad as she took my temperature; I thought about it, what did I remember? Parking my car after school and the rest was a blur. When she was done and taking my pulse I admitted that I didn t remember much, just the part about my car. She said that that meant we had a lot of ground to cover, I wasn t sure I wanted to know what that meant.
Chapter two:
Resurfacing Joann brought me in to an examination room; she started to explain to me that it was procedure to document any wounds that were had prior to my admission, so they could be sure that if I left with any new marks an investigation would have to happen. She asked me if I had any tattoos or scars and asked to see them I told her that I had no tattoos but scars I had plenty of because I am a klutz, and it was hard for me to avoid them.
She noted my cuts and scrapes and I asked her if she knew what had happened to me. She deliberated how to answer myquestion and then slowly answered.
Yes, I do but my job depends on that I help you slowly remember and then help you deal with what you remember.
There for I can tell you that your cuts are because you climbed through a broken window, but I cannot though tell you why you climbed through the window. I have to ask you other questions to trigger you to remember. I was quiet for a while thinking about the window, what did I have to do with a window? My mind showed me an image of my hands holding a garden gnome and tossing it, in my memory I heard shattering glass. I broke the window, and then climbed in? My face must have blanched because she asked urgently What did you remember? I remember breaking the window, but I still don t remember climbing in, or even seeing it break for that matter. I sat there, stunned, why would I break a window? And with a garden gnome? It seemed to me that I had been in a hurry to get in the house, although I would much rather use the door. I then wondered whose house was it I had broken in to and why? My parents were going to kill me when they found out; I was pretty much a criminal.
I also had a terrible dream while I was asleep at the hospital, at least, I think it was a dream, I remember that it was horrible,but I can t remember it .. I trailed off, Joann was biting her lip like I had said something essential but would jeopardize her assignment for her to tell me.
Try to remember your dream; in time when you do remember it, it may be helpful. She had regained her composure so quickly I thought that I had imagined the pained look on her face. Then she started to clean my wounds I sucked in my breath sharply as she dabbed at my shredded skin with the alcohol laced cotton ball, I couldn t think of anything but the pain as she wrapped the gauze around my stomach,
I swore. She looked up at me in a reprimanding fashion, then her face got more playful and said Just kidding, I don t care if you swear around me, she leaned her head in closer and said just don t do it around the other staff members they get pissed. Joann wrapped the last of my scrapes in bandages and then stood up.
She glanced at her watch, and handed me some sweat pants and a tee shirt,
You might prefer to wear these. It hadn t occurred to me that I hadn t been wearing the jeans and rainbow sweater I wore home from school, they must have been ruined by the glass. I silently changed out of the hospital gown that I had been put in while I was in the nothingness, and tried not to think about how creepy it was that while I was unconscious someone had taken my clothes off, while I changed in to the soft and warm blue sweats and the tee shirt from an old concert in 95, Well at least I could be comfortable, even as a criminal.
Hey cool. I said pointing to my back Boston was at this concert. We started towards the door and she said You like Boston? Heck Yes! I love those Guitar solos, I laughed I love all music. Smiling, she glanced at her watch again.
Ummm, you re parents are going to be here soon, as soon as you woke up we called them. They want to see you. My eyes got wide and my head spun, my parents were coming to kill me. I admit I was exaggerating but not by much,
I had broken in to someone s house, they weren t very likely to be very happy with me.
You aren t in any trouble, I can tell you that much, your intentions were pure. What did that mean? So I wasn t a criminal, but I had broken in. Confusion gripped my body and refused to let go. We left the examination room, dread filled me. My parents would probably give me a talking to anyways. As I walked back in to the large open area, my heart stopped, they were already here. I wished for an alternate universe, I wanted to disappear. I could see their expressions already, my fears were forgotten when my mother rushed to my side and embraced me with such a fierceness it startled me, especially when she started to sob.
Hi Mom, I managed to croak,
Um, owwww I said lightly and she jumped back, apologizing.
No Mom, I m sorry, I started to cry I don t know why I did it I can t remember yet, my voice broke and I looked down at the tiled ground and started tracing the diamond shapes with my eyes. She picked up where I left off but not on the note Ithought she would.
None of this is your fault! She said sounding slightly hysterical,
This is all the fault of that damn.. Mrs. Hokkaido, might I remind you what the psychologist spoke to you about? Joann said quickly,
and my mother bit her lip and said nothing else, but continued looking at me with a pained look on her face.
The way she was looking at me confused me, weren t they supposed to yell at me and tell me how disappointed and appalled at me?
Hazel, My father said after school, that day, do you remember what you did? He looked to Joann to assurehimself that his question was alright, when she nodded lightly he looked smugly at my mother and then back at me. I really hoped that they weren t fighting or arguing because of me.
I remember parking the car, in front of the house, I answered slowly, willing my memories to come back.
Then in the exam room I had remembered breaking a window, with a garden gnome, I said sheepishly,
but I don t know anyone who has garden gnomes so .Oh my god.. I trailed off, and looked from my mother to my father, and then to Joann, they were all leaning towards me as if I had made some great observation.
That s Quinn s house! His mother s garden gnomes are out front the sudden vision of running up to his house filled my mind, OH NO!
I had broken in to my best friend s parent s house!
I broke in to Quinn s house? I asked in horror, I didn t miss how my mother flinched at his name, oh no! He hates me now! For me that fate was worse than death, he was everything to me!
Oh God! He probably hates me now! I have to call him and apologize to his parents! I put my head in my hands, why would I do that? I couldn t understand my actions, not at all.
His parents forgive you, Hazel, I spoke to them this morning, they just want you to get better soon. My mother said, and I panicked Did you talk to Quinn? What did he say? The pained look my mother had earlier returned as she said No, I didn t talk to Quinn, I m sorry Hunny Those words seemed to have triggered something.
Suddenly, I was on my knees, clutching my head, I could see it, I could remember!
I remembered turning on my laptop, and started to work on an essay, when the little box at the corner of my screen said, Quinn has logged in, and quickly disappeared. At that moment our chat box popped up;
Ding!
Quinn says: This has been the crappiest week of my life Hazel says: Awww, that bad? You seemed pretty happy at school today. What happened do you want to talk about it?
Ding!
Quinn says: Nah, I already figured out how to fix it Hazel says: ?
Ding!
Quinn says: .
Hazel says: Quinn you know you can tell me anything, come on tell me what are you going to do?
Ding!
Quinn says: Fine.. I m going to kill myself I remembered taking a deep breath but getting scared, and worried, I knew he wasn t one to joke about death.
Hazel says: Quinn you know that s not something to joke about .
Ding!
Quinn says: I m not joking Hazel says: Quinn! What the hell are you saying! Why would you do that to me?
Ding!
Quinn says: I can t do this anymore, I m living a lie Ding!
Quinn says: I hate this, my family is fake, my mother is a bitch, my father is an asshole, and my brother is a freaking criminal! Yet we have to pretend for this entire town that we aren t an unhappy dysfunctional family! I m sick of this! I already know that my father has a gun somewhere in this damn house, I WILL find it.
Hazel says: I am sure that this isn t the answer Ding! It seemed as though the alerts were getting louder.
Quinn says: Hazel, this is it. I want to die. I WILL die, I have a hunch as to where my father keeps his ..
Hazel says: I m on my way Ding! I heard as a grabbed my keys and ran for my car. I remember driving recklessly to get to his house,
and jumping out of my car before I knew it was parked. This time I didn t see myself going through the actions,
I was reliving them. I threw the gnome through the window and climbed through, I could feel the pain of the glass slicing through my jeans and through my sweater. The pain was too much!
Then I woke up.
When I opened my eyes, I found myself on the floor, with the familiar concerned faces of my parents above me.
My mother crying with her hands fluttering around me helplessly saying what do we do? , and Joann, who also looked concerned but overly curious. I knew she wanted to know what I remembered because I must have been talking,
but I had a question first.
So because of the rule, you can t tell me what happened after my memory stops, right? I could hear my voice shaking That depends on what you remembered. Joann answered calmly.
Okay, I answered slowly,
{ Is Quinn okay? My parents exchanged nervous glances, and I felt tears coming to my eyes "He's okay right? Can't you tell me that?" Tears streamed down my face I told them what had happened and the conversation, the conversation that was burning in my head, me driving to Quinn s house worried sick about him. Joann looked in her files, she flipped a few pages and wrote somethings down. My mom rubbed my back while I waited for the woman to say something, anything I just wanted to know... Finally she spoke; "I have to make a quick call to the psychologist, I'll be right back." I felt like I was going to die, Why couldn't she just tell me? If He was okay.. Then he was okay. If He wasn't... My stomach sank and I started to shake violently. If He wasn't okay then... then I didn't know what I would do. My mind started going fuzzy, I started seeing the word 'GUN' in bright red letters and "I want to die". The red of the letters turned to blood. My stomach churned, I closed my eyes but the words were still there, and getting bigger... I opened my eyes again. It was still there!
I was dizzy. I was trying to blink the words away but they weren't disappearing. No, instead of fading they got brighter and bigger until the blood they were made of started dripping. I tried to back away from it, I didn't want it to touch me. i tried to cover my eyes with my hands but as I looked at my hands I saw that they were covered in blood, my stomach was overwhelmed and I threw up, there was blood everywhere around me,and I was covered in it, I threw up again. The blood was rising... It was going to swallow me up, as it reached my chest I realized I was screaming. and then I felt a small pain in my palm and the blood drained away.
I could see the room that I was sitting in before only this time I was on the floor again, against a wall. Joann was standing in front of me, holding a mop. And my mother was standing in the corner crying on my father's shoulder. I leaned my head up against the wall and brushed my hair back. I was so cold yet I was sweating, I felt sick, I wanted to sleep, I wasn't really sure what just happened. I looked at Joann.
"You did good." she said," we'll get you some painkillers ASAP and you can go to sleep." I tried to stand up but it was no use...I was so weak, so I just sat there slumped up against the wall until my father picked me up and took me back to the bed that I had woken up in. He stroked my cheek and whispered that everything was going to be okay. I started to cry.
"Daddy, I don't know what's happening anymore." I sobbed, I had a good feeling that I didn't want to know either.
"I know, Sweetie, I know..."
The Nurse then walked in with the needle of redemption in her hand.
Secretly I was glad, I didn t want to think of all the possible outcomes of the scenario that my mind could conjure up, I laid in the bed trying not to let the words I saw flow anywhere near the surface of my coherent mind as I waited for the nurse to give me the oblivion that I loved, I could already tell that my love of the oblivion the drugs gave me was probably going to get me nowhere fast, regardless, when I felt the needle enter my vein with a sharp pinch, I was sure I smiled as I fell back in to the oblivion that was my haven.