The Malleus Maleficarum Incident:Part One
A METMA Fic
By:
TheMischiefMakers
A/N:
This is our first attempt at a METMA fic. What happens when "new" books is
added to the restricted section of the Hogwarts Library and how do the other
books react to its presence? Read to find out the answer.
TheMischiefMakers: If you listen carefully, you can
hear the books in the Hogwarts Library speaking to one another in the deep dark
hours after midnight. Madame Pince thinks she owns the Library but it is the
books that rule. This is an incident that occurred a few nights ago as we were
hiding from Peeves who had chased us into the library.
Moste Potente Potions: Oi, Scream! You still there?
(A deafening scream is heard two rows over)
Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th
Century: Please can you keep it down some of us are trying to meditate here.
Great Good Wizarding Events of the 20th
Century: Yeah, right. That's a bit rich coming from you isn't it.
Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th
Century: Stow it!
Great Good Wizarding Events of the 20th
Century: Make me!
Moste Potente Potions: Both of you shut it!
Stray Book on the Floor: That I do.
(Screaming Book screams again)
Moste Potente Potions: What's up scream?
(Screams again)
Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th
Century: He can't talk you stupid git!
Moste Potente Potions: I'm warning you!
(Screaming Book screams again as The Monster Book
of Monsters scuttles across the floor.)
The Monster Book of Monsters: I think it's me he's
screamin' at.
Moste Potente Potions: That you Monster?
The Monster Book of Monsters: Yeah…ouch!
Moste Potente Potions: What happened?
The Invisible Book of Invisibility: Sorry, Monster
didn't see ya there.
The Monster Book of Monsters: No, I didn't see you.
Stray Book on the Floor: That I do.
Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th
Century: Of course you didn't fool! He was invisible!
Moste Potente Potions: Stow it or I'll see that you
get lost the next time you get checked out!
(Great Dark Wizarding Events grumbles, saying
something that sounds like one of the Unforgivable Curses)
The Diary of a Young Witch: Dark you know that's
not allowed!
A Stray Book on the Floor: That I do.
Hogwarts a History: You know something Stray.
A Stray Book on the Floor: That I do.
The Dairy of a Young Witch: What?
Malleus Maleficarum: Thumbscrews….HEHEHE.
(The Screaming Book Screams again)
Moste Potente Potions: Say what?
Malleus Maleficarum: Burn 'em at the stake.
HEHEHEHE.
(Moste Potente Potions scoots to the side and looks
at the odd book strangely)
The Many Lives of Dark Wizards: What's 'e talkin' about?
Invisible Book of Invisibility: Search me.
The Daily Prophet: We can't search you. We can't
even see you. Honestly!
Malleus Maleficarum: Witches must be hunted down.
Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 12th
Century: Not again! Look Malleus this is getting a little old.
(Screaming Book scream again)
Great Good Wizarding Events of the 19th
Century: Calm yourself Scream or you'll have the whole school down here.
(Monster Book of Monsters scuttles around some more
until he's under the same shelf Moste Potente Potions is on)
Monster Book of Monsters: Oi, Moste. What's that
new book goin' on about?
Moste Potente Potions: I'm not sure but whatever it
is sounds not good.
Malleus Maleficarum: Dunking
Stray Book on the Floor: That I do.
Hogwarts: A History: Quiet you!
Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 11th
Century: Who made you the warlord here, Mr. High and Mighty Hogwarts? Huh?
Malleus Maleficarum: Witches mark
(Moste Potente Potions moves farther away from the
Malleus Maleficarum)
Moste Potente Potions: Oh, I see. You're one of
Those Books.
(Screaming Book screams again louder)
Hogwarts: A History: Stow it, all of you!
Monster Book of Monsters: One of Those Books!!!!!!
(There is a rustling from all the books and dark
muttering)
Stray Book on the Desk: I don't get it.
Stray Book on the Floor: That I do.
Book on the Reserve Shelf: What do you do?
Malleus Maleficarum: Burn witches!
Stray Book on the Floor: That I do
Salem, Witchcraft and All: Yeah. Right. Whatever.
(Moste Potente Potions scuttles away from Malleus
Maleficarum more)
Moste Potente Potions: Why do I get these types of
books around me?
Book on the Shelving Cart: Those kinds of books?
Tom Riddle, I Call thee Voldemort: A Muggle book?
Moste Potente Potions: Far worse then that…
Malleus Maleficarum: Meetings with Satan…
(The Diary of a Young Witch screams and falls off
the shelf, just missing The Monster Book of Monsters)
The Monster Book of Monsters: You all right there,
Diary?
(The Diary of a Young Witch screams and faints
again)
Malleus Maleficarum: Witch!
Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th
Century (muttering to self): Of course she's a witch, tell us something we
don't know. This is a school for witchcraft and wizardry.
Stray Book on the Floor: That I do.
Salem, Witchcraft and All: Moste, what's that
book's title?
Moste Potent Potions: Don't know he keeps hiding
his cover.
Stray Book on the Floor: That I do.
Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th
Century: You don't have a cover stupid! You've been hidden under the shelf for
ages.
The Daily Prophet: Oi Stray someone was looking for
you the other day.
(Stray Book on the Floor scuttles under the shelf)
Malleus Maleficarum: The Iron Maiden.
Great American Witches and Wizards of the 70's:
Groovy man.
The Monster Book of Monsters: What did you do to
Diary here? She fell off the shelf and now she's not talking.
(The Diary of a Young Witch shudders and moans)
Moste Potente Potions: That's the sort of thing
Those books do.
Strange Dark Curses and What They Do: Is it a
Curse?
Wizards and Witches of Hollywood: Curses foiled
again!
Witches and Wizards of Great Britain and Europe:
Moste, is it really one of Those Books?
Moste Potente Potions: I believe so.
Stray Book on the Floor Under the Shelf: That I do.
Diary of a Young Salem Witch Who Managed to Survive
the Witch Trails: It sounds so familiar to me.
Malleus Maleficarum: Witches often have black cats
as familiars.
The Ministry of Magic: The First Thousand Years:
Oh, please!
The Animagi Registry: That's because some of us can
change into animals you idiot.
The Diary of a Young Witch: I don't think that's
what the book means.
Monster Book of Monsters: Diary! You alive.
The Dairy of a Young Witch: Of course I am.
Salem School of Witchcraft: A Concise History:
Thank goodness.
Malleus Maleficarum: If she floats she is guilty.
Great Wizards of the English Cinema: I thought the
line was: "If she floats…she's a witch!
The Evil that Dark Wizards Do: Naw that's from that
movie.
Experimental Magic: That was a great movie.
Malleus Maleficarum: All Witches must be burned so
that their evil will no longer….
Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts: Oh, stow it! You're
scaring Children.
Great and Powerful Wizard Children of the 20th
Century: That book bad!
Malleus Maleficarum:…be a blight on the land.
(Screaming Book screams again and Moste Potente
Potions moves so far to the side that it falls off the shelf and lands on
Monster Book of Monsters)
Moste Potente Potions: Sorry there Monster.
Monster Book of Monsters: S'right.
Malleus Maleficarum: You are a witch!
Stray Book on the Floor Under the Shelf: That I am.
Welsh Witches: Are you really?
Magical Creatures and Where to Find Them: Do you
think so?
Stray Book on the Floor Under the Shelf: That I do.
(A grumbling is heard from the top of a dusty
shelf)
The Great Salazar Slytherin: Could you young people
keep it down there? Some of us are trying to rest.
The Boy Who Lived or How to Survive the Avada
Kedavra Curse: Give us a break, Slytherin.
Voldemort: The Life of a Dark Wizard: Yeah, drop it
now before I…
Tom M. Riddle: The True Story: Hold it right there…
Hogwarts Founders: Quit it all of you! Moste, where
did this book come from?
1001 Spells Every Dark Wizard Needs to Know: Who
cares…
Pureblood: A Treatise: It is a Muggle Book after
all.
Muggle Born Wizards: I, for one care.
Moste Potente Potions: It just arrived here today
and Madame Pince Shelved it next to me.
Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th
Century: Of course she did you moron it's an M isn't it?
Moste Potente Potions: I don't…how do you know?
Stray Book on the Floor Under the Shelf: That I do.
Moste Potente Potions: Stow it, Stray! How do you
know about this book Great Dark?
Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th
Century: Wouldn't you like to know.
Witch Weekly: Lockhart…Lockhart! We love you!
Tom Riddle, I Call thee Voldemort: Oh puh-lease.
The Dark Arts: All you Wanted to Know but Where
Afraid to Ask: Lockhart, that stupid git!
Magical Me: Yep, that's me.
(All the books moan)
Malleus Maleficarum: To determine if the accused is
a witch you must first search for the mark.
Death Eaters, The Dark Mark and More: The Dark
Mark?
Voldemort, a Study of He-Who-Must-Not-Be –Named:
Not my Dark Mark. His dark mark.
Stray Book on the Desk: I don't get it.
Stray Book on the Floor Under the Shelf: That I do.
Book on the Reserve Shelf: Oh man, why am I always
the last to know these things.
Great American Witches and Wizards of the 70's:
Make love not war, man.
Book on the Reserve Shelf: That made no sense.
Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th
Century: What do you expect from an American book from the 1970's.
Moste Potent Potions: Great Dark, what do you know
about this book?
The Monster Book of Monsters: Yea' what do ya know?
(All the books whisper and The Screaming Book
screams)
All the Books: Shhh!
Moste Potente Potions: So tell us.
Great Dark Wizarding Events of the 20th
Century: Why should I.
Mudbloods, Those Annoying Muggle Born Wizards:
Yeah, why should he?
Malleus Maleficarum: Kill witches, hehehe. Burn 'em
at the steak.
The Magical Art of Cookery: Take one steak and…
Magical Gardens and Where to Grow Them: Not that
kind of stake, dear.
Best of the Best from Hogwarts: A Complete
Cookbook: Steak is a food! Stake is the word you are looking for you idiot! Can't
Spell.
Malleus Maleficarum: Witch cast their spells on the
unaware by staring with their Evil Eye.
Hogwarts, The Founding: A bit out dated there old
chap. Witches don't burn, don't you know that and they don't have Evil Eyes.
Secrets of the Unexplained: Prof. Trelawney does.
Malleus Maleficarum: Burn 'em!
Werewolves a Short Essay: Yikes! Wonder what they
did to werewolves?
Stray Book on the Floor Under the Shelf: That I do.
Harry Potter: Being a History of the Boy Who Lived
from His Birth, Through His Defeat of Lord Voldemort, Through Living with those
Miserable Dursleys and His Hogwarts Years and Whatever Follows, Updated By the
Second: Harry Potter, known as the Boy Who Lived, is currently asleep, dreaming
about the Triwizard Tournament in which another student, Cedric Diggory was
killed by Lord Voldemort. For more on this subject see chapter 98~The Triwizard
Tournament.
Hufflepuff House: A History: Alas, poor Cedric!
Slytherin House: A History: Oh shut up!
Hogwarts: The School, the Grounds and So Much More:
don't talk to him like that.
Moste Potente Potions: Would all of you just shut
up already!
(Everyone is quiet)
Stray Book on the Floor Under the Shelf: That I am.
Moste Potente Potions: Now tell me Great Dark, what
do you know of That Book!
Mudbloods, Those Annoying Muggle Born Wizards: Don't
tell him, boss.
Moste Potente Potions: Stay out of this Annoying!
Mudbloods, Those Annoying Muggle Born Wizards: What
did you call me?
Moste Potente Potions: Annoying!
Mudbloods, Those Annoying Muggle Born Wizards: Say
it again.
Moste Potent Potions: A-NNOY-ING!
(Mudbloods, Those Annoying Muggle Born Wizards
leaps off the shelf and begins to fight with Moste Potente Potions)
Malleus Maleficarum: Red hot irons should be
used…and all other items of torture.
The Unforgivables: Wouldn't Crucio be better?
(The Monster Book of Monsters jumps on top of
Mudbloods, Those Annoying Muggle Born Wizards and tries to help Moste Potent
Potions. The Invisible Book of Invisibility moves out of the way)
Death Omens, Death Omens, Death Omens: I think
he'll die.
Stray Book on the Floor Under the Shelf: That I do.
Arithmancy: The Numbers Tell All: Why am I not
surprised coming from you.
The Dead Dark Wizards: Well, we all die sometime.
Arithmancy: The Numbers Tell All: That's not the
point. She just sees Death everywhere she looks.
Death Omens, Death Omens, Death Omens: The great
Grim is hear.
The Grim: A Omen of Death or the Cause of Death?:
She had to say that didn't she.
Arithmancy: The Numbers Tell All: She always says
that.
(Moste Potente Potions, The Monster Book of
Monsters and Mudbloods, Those Annoying Muggle Born Wizards are still fighting
on the floor kicking up a lot of dust)
An Old Manuscript: Hey! Dust should be keep away
from me!
Moste Potente Potions: Aw, stow it Old Man!
An Old Manuscript: Old Man huh?
(An Old Manuscript mutters to itself as the
fighting continues)
Malleus Maleficarum: Witches often meet at night,
under the full moon to plan their spells and curses.
Book on the Shelving Cart: Oh please, not that old
rumor.
Gryffindor House: History: T'is very old at that.
Stray Book on Floor Under the Shelf: That I do.
To be Continued~ The Malleus Maleficarum
belongs to whichever 12th Century Person who wrote it and any
familiar books from the Harry Potter series belong to JKR. All other books
belong to us and our Hogwarts RPG Site: Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus~Est:
July 18th, 2000